thought of something
And as I thought of that something I thought of that someone
That someone that I haven't seen yet
I haven't heard
Touched
Tasted
breathed or
Felt....  yet
That someone that I know I will find
That someone who makes me hold onto the hope of love
It's actually kinda sad how this person
This fictional character that I have created
Fictional yet 'undeniably' real
How this person has so much control over my life
My thoughts
My actions
And most people call me a hopeless romantic when they hear this
Yes that morbidly clichéd term that deceives all
Yet I have come to one final conclusion And that is
That this
person
is merely a manifestation of the human condition

The animal is close
Close by me
Close by my heart
Willing to give it all up just to have a bite at my pitiful half heart
Torn
Broken
And I carry on
I do not know why
Its a long endless sriver that flows in a circle
Yet I still swim and I dont know why
I drown
Yet live
I swear I could drink the entire river and still not die
So I carry onnswimming rather than drowning
The latter seems better though

Imagine that your skin was constantly damp and cold.
Then you met somebody who's skin feels like fire.
With every handshake, hug, or kiss you suddenly switch on just those two specific areas.
Your lips are hot and smoking. Smouldering like embers.
While her lips freeze a bit.
Frost crawling over them like a wave.
And in a perfect moment you two have given parts of your being to each other.
For your lips are burning
For none but her

I wish she knew

 

I wish he knew

 

I cried last night

 

I thought about him all night last night

 

She steals my sleep like she steals my heart and tears

 

He is my 4am thoughts

 

I wonder if she can cry

 

Do boys cry over girls?

 

‘Cause I know that if I collected my tears, I could drown myself in them

 

There is nothing left of me, his presence haunts inside of me


I want to be part of everything that is her

 

Tomorrow I will tell him

 

Why don’t I just leave tonight, she wouldn’t even notice

 

I can’t wait to see him

 

Maybe I’ll stay to see her. Just once more

 

What am I thinking? I’m just a weird girl.

 

I love the way she is so weird and different

 

I have tied the noose

 

She looks sad. I want to be sad with her

 

Time for me to kick the chair

 

I could call her

 

I will always love him

 

No, stupid idea… Why not

 

(she dies)

 

Why isn’t she picking up 
I knew this was a bad idea

I don’t have a chance

I heard the news at school today

 

I hate myself

 

I hate her

 

(stumbles into janitors closet in tears)

(lays there for hours)

(he grabs a bottle of bleach and drinks it.

 

The end.

Its an intresting thing
That she lies
Not to me
No
She would not lie to me
Simply because she
As a person
Is against any form of dishonesty
And that is why she completely believes that
She is
A stupid girl
An insignificant girl
A waste-of-space girl
A useless girl
But in reality she is the one I look to for inspiration
She is the one that makes me significant
She occupies the empty space in my heart
She is the most amazing person ever

I hope she knows that
To me
It is not just a silly goodnight note
It is what makes me sleep
It is not an unimportant rambling
It helps me love
It is not a pointless letter
It is what I keep close to my heart
It is not an unnecessary reminder
It is necessary for my vitality

And I hope that she knows that
She makes me feel like an amazing person
That she makes me feel like a monumental person
That she finally makes me feel adequate That she makes me feel valued

So that is why it is intresting in the most grotesque way that she lies to herself
And I hope that she knows that she does lie to herself

When the tears flow, there's no stopping them. The come cascading down, along with those chains you use to control your heart.
The tears you refused to cry so many times, because you wanted to be strong ,you wanted to be in control.
But did you know that in holding in those tears, pushing away those feelings only make them worse when they return?
Yes ,you did. So when you can't hide it on your own anymore, you turn to the bottle ,or anything that can numb your emotions.
And in that moment, that first gulp, or cut, or meal skipped, that is when the invisible tears start, and that is when I Wish I Could Cry.

I have not been there for you
I have not told you that you're beautiful in over a week
I haven't made you smile for over a week
I haven't made a ***** joke to make you chuckle
I haven't given you advice for over a week
I haven't pushed you to confront yourself
All in all I'm sorry my dear one but I'm a ****** friend

DEFENITION:*
A SWIRL OF EMOTIONS RUSHING AROUND INSIDE OF YOU EXHAUSTING YOU PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY

If I had no choice
But to go to Hell
I would choose you as my
Companion

This concept of a parodox haa fascinated me
It is
For example
Safe to say that there is an outside within our phones
(Assuming that you have a picture of the outdoors on your phone)
It's like taking freedom and free will and forcefully taking a part of it and putting freedom inside a cage
(A wonderful ring of irony in that)
And we can also create an outside within our minds
(Assuming that you have an imagination)
The difference being however that we steal nothing of that freedom
We just make our own one

So ask yourself

Which one am I?
The one that takes from freedom
Or the one that creates it

I think about what it would be like
I imagine that it would taste fresh and minty
Cold and shockingly hot
I imagine my eyes glazing over in a total reverence for her soft lips
And hers igniting in a flame of....
Something
That makes this kiss better
And easier as if it were always meant to be
I imagine that after the kiss she would rest her head on my shoulder
And she would smile and feel safe while I held her
And I would finally feel what I suspect only she can make me feel
I would feel adequate

I look at the moon
Veiled by clouds
Dark and foreboding
It reminds me of my soul
It is bright and beautiful
But it is veiled by the clouds of society
Let the clouds move
PLEASE

It was destined to be a bad night
Too many emotions
Too far into their ******
Too many emotions destined to lead to numbness
The numbness that would cause me to drift into a horrible hell
That night I knew would be extra worse because my orange princess was feeling bad
So I turned to my last resort
The thing that would help me survive
Alcohol
Vast amounts of alcohol to numb my emotions do that they would not escalate
And Make me numb
And I told her
I told my orange princess because I trust her
I did not think that it would have such a big affect on her
She was distraught
Sonething I could not understand
How she could Care For me
Her exact words as clear as my horrible life was

I'm sorry that my poison is numbing the affects of the alcohol

Previously we made a deal
We said

we should both stop apologising

And as she Apologised I just said
Dont be dear one

She never asked why
I hoped she would
Because I want her to know that the poison that numbed the alcohol gave me the vitality to carry on

A cross is what I remember
Because her shirt formed a cross across her ***** perfectly framing her enticingly beautiful neck
I built up the courage and using a phenomenally cheesy one liner I started talking to a total beauty
I remember thinking that for once I cared more about the sparkle in her dazzlingly enchanting eyes
Than her curvaceously elegant body
Her perfect curves
I let my mind wander
And I think that maybe I'll get to see her and we'll get to know each other
I let my mind wander to that so called ffirst kiss and I can barely breath at that thought
I imagine all these things
As if it were possible
As if we weren't seperated by 8 hours of driving

He laughed and cried as life said
"WHAT I AM IS WHAT YOU MAKE ME"
"Then if I make you love what will you be?"
"LOVE"said life
"And if I make you hatred what will you be?"
"HATRED"said life
"And what will you be if I make you compassion?"
"COMPASSION" said life
"And what will you be if I make you life?"
"I WILL BE WHAT LIFE IS"
"if I make you life and life is what I make it tyen surly you will be free"
"NO"
"what will you be then?"
"DEATH"
"Then I have made death"
He laughed and cried as death sighed

Hello
Eccentric
Lies
Pain

I'm sorry
That
I haven't
Made you feel
Special

Lately

sixteen
Hey dear one
fifteen*
How are you?
fourteen
I'm fine thank you
thirteen
Yes. The ****** up, insecure, Neurotic,  emotional, fine.
twelve
Nah. I've just been thinking way too much
eleven
Listen dear one I need you to know something
ten
You are beautiful
nine
No don't say that. You truly are amazing.
eight
You are beautiful beyond comparison
seven
I will not stop. You deserve more than I can give you
six
.....fine
five
You know, tears are overrated
four
People make it such a big deal but in the end all we sometimes need was a good cry
three
No, I only cry in front of people if I totally trust that person
two
That is a good question
one
Yes dear one,  I would cry in front of you

Our little forest still stands.*

That day...You told me that the best way to make a decision was to flip a coin....because in mid air you know exactly what you want.
So I took that ten cent and I said that if it was heads then I'd kiss you...and that tails would leave us sitting there awkwardly

I flipped it and as the coin spun recklessly the racing airborne revolutions synchronised with my insistent heartbeat....and I kissed you, I swear I saw bright explosions as I experienced the softness of your lips on mine
You took the 10 cent coin and we Both kissed it then despite my disbelieving protests you threw it into the slithering undergrowth....never to be seen again
From that day on....we called it 10 cent Forest
And if I could go back I wouldn't change a thing...except maybe.......use a 5 Rand coin....Maybe if i did that then it would have been worth more than a single ******* kiss

Maybe then it would have meant more than a pitiful...******* kiss

Maybe then you wouldn't have ******* discarded what it meant, like a failed artwork, for a luckier-than-he-knows 'Player'

I am swimming in a river
A circle of a river
And I drown
Yet I still live
I swear
I could drink THAT WHOLE ******* RIVER AND I WOULD STILL KEEP ON WITH MY METAPHORICAL SWIMMING

You! Just cone and ******* try to knock me down
I'll kick your measly ***

I will fail a hundred times.  I will still continue. I have no other choice.

All these emotions

But
No
Way
To express
Them



****!!!!

I am

        A coward

Beyond a shadow
of
a doubt

What
Is writer's block
If not pure
Inecurity
Of oneself

If I asked you to make me sad
Would you paint the streets with sorrow?
If I asked you to make me angry
Would you tear peace asunder for me?  
If I asked you to make me nostalgic
Would you rip open your brain to present those sweet memories?
If I asked you to **** me
Would you?
Would you paint the streets with my blood?
Would you tear my heart asunder?
Would you rip open my skull?
Would you **** me?

I love you

The abstract idea of paradise
But
In reality
Far from it actually
Love is an excruciatingly painful  resemblance of something people call pure and unrefined happiness
Love stings
Love burns
Love tears you apart
Love cuts
Its a painful thing
That
In all our sanity
Always strive for
But when you love someone and they love you back
Sting turns into stung
Burn turns into burns
Tears turn into seams
Cuts turn into scars
And with all of this you and the person can sit together and compare your
Stings
Burns
Seams
And scars
And tell our stories and reveal
IT
ALL
but knowing that he or she will take all those
Scars
And seams
And stings
And burns
And turn them into precious beautiful memories that make all that excruciating pain worth it
And I am beyond blessed to have shown my
Seams
Stings
Burns
And scars
To my dear one
To my orange princess

something hold me
It stops me
I struggle
I cry
I scream
Its futile
Its over
It drags me back to hell

He grew up.....

After all of his mistakes
He learnt many things
And he knew that the next mistake would lead to hatred

He grew up ......

He knew he would never be homosexual
He was right
He just turned out to be bisexual

He grew up.....

He never thought he would be that guy
But he became the guy who hates himself
He became the monster in the dark
He became what he hated

He grew up..... and he still misses his childhood

There were ten flames
Each a different size
Each a different colour
Each a different heat
Each a different part of me

Then there were only nine because I killed my tears

Then only eight because my laughter died

Then only seven because she smothered my hope

Now only six flames remain

I'm just a hopeless romantic

    That dares to have hope

I miss me
I miss who I used to be
I miss being selfless
I miss not caring about myself
I miss being able to give the people I love everything

I miss being that guy

but what I dont miss is not getting anything back
I don't miss the constant fear
I don't miss the daily pain

but my dear one I really do miss you

The knife slices into my arm
Its like ice
Thin cold ice
So cold it burns
The heat starts straight after the cold
The red hot heat
That flows over my black and white life
The red hot heat
That helps me
It keeps me from  the rope just a while longer

The comment slices into my soul
Cold
And hard
Just like the voice that uttered it
The pain starts hours later
After school
After sport
After supper
It starts in bed
In darkness
Whwn im alone and it returns
And it pushes me
It hurts but ill not fall
And I started this poem with beauty in mind but im ending it with

******* BITCHCUNT

I WILL NOT ******* LOOSE

I saw you yesterday
And I still haven't figured out if today is too soon to miss you

What part
Of perfection
Dont you get?

I am imperfect

IT TOOK THE COLOUR FROM HIS LIFE
IT TOOK HIS BEAUTY AND MADE IT UGLY
IN THE END THAT WAS ALL THAT IT WAS
IN IT'S ENTIRETY IT WAS UGLINESS ITSELF

*he was ugliness itself...

You just don't care about me anymore.  Or do you?

I was in a dark place
now i'm in hell

It can be dangerous*

She whispered this as I helped her
Choked her
Poisoned her

What are you gonna do about t?

I hate you
*******
Go die coz I will not fall
Your comments will not push me over the ******* edge
No
No beauty is gonna be present when I rip your heart from your chest only to find dust
I will destroy you
I will **** you
I will win
I shall triumph

*nothing.  You win

The sun sets
It marks me
Not just me
But the world
As it shines through the clouds
Piercing their veils
It shows me
Shows me more than ever before
I see the world In a strange clarity
In a manner I have never seen it before
I look forward
I resent the past
But now there is only the future

I know you probably won't read this
And I deserve that
And you are amazing
But I just wanted  to say that

I miss you

And

I still care

One day we should sit down together

We can talk sure
Kiss? Why not. In fact i would love to kiss you

But I want to sit down with you
I want to compare blades
I'll show you my opinel French knife
You'll show me your blade
Then we'll cut
I'll put my blade down and you'll do the same
Then we will swap
Ill take your blade
You'll take my opinel
And we'll cut
Then ill put my arm on your lap
You'll do the same
And we will cut each other

O how I will change

Right now I'm sitting next to a fire thinking about how lonely I am
How horrible my life is
I'm thinking about how I'm throwing a pity party and I know it
I'm thinking about how I want to burn my hand in the fire and punch the walls
I'm thinking about all of my emotions
Im thinking about how pathetic I am sitting here thinking I have it bad
But at the back of my mind
In a reinforced, diamond encrusted, adamantium cage
Sits the belief that I will change
And
O HOW I WILL CHANGE
I will smile
I will laugh and talk to people
I will help people
I will be handsome
I will have figured myself out a bit more
I will no longer have pimples

And that is
How I
Will change