Imodium, imodium,
Such a wonderful drug
If my *******'s a drain,
Then imodium's the plug

Rusty radiator water,
Pouring from my behind,
It splashes so high,
I risk going blind,

But Imodium to my rescue,
Fixing me up in a jiffy,
Back to when pooing,
Merely gave me a ******.

A vision of my poo, 
Haunts me in my sleep,
I don't want to leave you,
Words it whispers whilst I weep

But the neighbours complain,
The stench is too strong,
They demand I send it away, 
Along with its pong 

But I don't want to lose my poo,
I don't want a final goodbye,
And everytime I try and flush,
I just break down and cry.

I have a haemorrhoid, 
It causes me much pain,
I once strained too much,
Unfortunately dislodging this vein,

Sometimes it causes hemorrhaging,
Especially when lacking fibre, 
I wish I could fix this with duct tape, 
Like a lavatory dwelling Macgyver

Or maybe some elastic bands,  
Potentially it could fall off, 
Then I wouldn't have to check my *** 
When letting out a cough.

Last night I had an Indian,  
And today I have the runs,
It struck me in an instant,
Now unable to sit on my buns

I told them I want a dopiaza,  
With some chicken tikka on the side,
Now my pants are brown and moist,
From society I'll have to hide

I'm stranded inside my bathroom,
Fearing even the shortest walk,
Knowing if I pass a person outside,
About my stench they'll start to talk

I advise you stay clear of this cuisine,
For the sake of all your hineys,  
I know that next time I venture out,
I'll be opting for a Chinese.