The past two weeks I have been doing my own thing.
It actually feels pretty good.
I have been just chilling at the house and working and doesn't seem like much.
But it feels really good.
I know now what I am going to do with myself I just got to keep pushing and I will be where I want to be.
With the advice of two friends that are still there for me. Shockingly.
They have helped me and pointed me in the right direction.
For that I thank you both.
I must let go of the past and move on with my life.
I am starting to let go of the past to continue on this road.
I feel like I have made a right turn.
I must seize the day now and let the darkness of my past go.
I have little time left to turn my life around before the big day.
For all the people I have hurt and betrayed.
I am sorry for my actions and wished things could've been better.
Someone told me that the stuff I have done was in my head and I didn't think about it. The exact words that was told to me was I had a mind set and didn't realize it was "well I'm gonna hurt them before they hurt me" in a sense that is true. I didn't even realize until someone told me.
I have one more thing I have literally only told one person and they understood.
Even after everything I have done to hurt them. They were still there for me.
They were in the same position as me and understand everything I'm going through.
I must finally put my destiny in my own hands and follow my dreams and as should you. The reader.
I will seize the day and grasp the opportunities I am given.
You only get one shot in life and I don't want to miss out anymore.
I must make myself happy and a better person now to truly be who I want to be not just for myself but for the people around me.
Well who's left anyways.
Life has given me plenty of curve *****.
I am ready to step up to the plate and make a home run.
Carpe Diem (Seize The Day)

I'm gonna be honest with whoever reads this. The man I am today is not who I wanted to be. I've hurt the ones close to me and I can't stop it. This time I've ruined things and there isn't not turning back. I've lied and cheated on the one that was suppose to mean the world to me. What is wrong with me? Will I ever be helped and saved. The best thing for me to do is to stay away. I never thought I'd say this but you wasn't the walking disease. I am. I'm a plague. I honestly don't think I'll ever see my happy ending. I feel like Lex Luthor who tries to justify his mistakes. I can't do that. I will not allow that. If you ever read this I truly am sorry. I may be a ****** up person and hard to show emotion but you still mean something to me. I'm sorry for doing what I did. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you. I don't deserve happiness for everything I've done. You do deserve the world and a lot more. I hurt you badly and I will never truly forgive myself for everything I've done. Maybe one day I'll be forgiven. Hopefully one day I'll be the best and loyal man a woman could ever dream of.

The tears that are running down my face is from all the pain I have bottled up for so long. The bottle has smashed and the water works are running. I can't take that much anymore and don't know if I can take anymore. Will there ever be a time that I can actually feel again? That I can actually be happy again and go on with my life. I guess only continuing my life that I seriously want to end I will find out. I have no one. No one to talk to about my feelings. About how I feel without people saying I'm psychotic. I don't know if I can take another day of this. Restless all the time and feel nothing but pain. It has went on for quite sometime and don't know if I can take it.

For all the people that has liked my stuff on here thank you for everything. I love you all.

My life I feel is at a stand still.
With little to no friends I struggle.
My life is like a ******* hole full of emptiness.
I try to continue with the mask on my face and it starts to crack.
I am being pushed into a corner and don't know what to do.
I try to get help but no response.
I try to help others even when they never help me when I need it.
My life is a complete disaster.
I have lost my feelings for life and everyone in it.
I don't know.....how to feel anymore.
My mind, heart, and soul is lost.
****** into the void.
I am just an emotionless person trying to be happy when I know I can't.
Wondering upon this earth studying. Learning. How to makeup emotions and feelings.
Trying to make myself feel again.
I really don't know what to do or think anymore.

I continue my life.
I still wonder why.
My darkness has come back.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I still wonder why I feel the same.
I've tried everything and still no light.
Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be truly happy.
I have a ****** up life and still do.
I found my light after awhile of searching for it.
The question is will the light come back?
Come back to get rid of my darkness.
So I can actually start to love my life again.
To truly cherish the precious life I have.
Only time can tell.
But time is catching up to me.

As I walk through the valley of pain and regret, I see the rocks crumbling around me.
Surrounded by my past. Old emotions and memories I shouldn't be thinking of. Sometimes I wonder why? I continue to walk hoping that the rocks will stop falling so I can continue to my path with ease. Things haven't been good in my life. It does have its moments. My life is like a cloudy day. You don't know if it's gonna rain and storm. My life has been full of pain and regret and little light. As I try to continue on with my dull life I ask you who is reading this. Should I continue? Should I go on and move forward and hope for the best? I am confused and in my emotions and old memories that I shouldn't be thinking of and don't know what to do. I ask you.....the reader. Should I?

I sit here and type this wondering a lot of things.
I have been through a lot of pain.
I have been through a lot in so little time.
Sometimes I wonder.....
Why?
You still mean everything to me and still will do anything for you.
All I want in return is your love.
Please don't ever let go when you wrap your arms around me.
Kiss me out of the blue and just randomly love on me.
I'm sorry for my mistakes.
I'm still here to make things right.
Yeah I'm still scared that it might happen again.
Yes I sometimes questions our relationship.
I'm just scared that it might happen again.
I'm scared to lose you again and that's why I'm doing whatever it takes to put that smile on your face.
To see you happy and make things right.
To see that smile on your face and for you to be yourself makes me so happy.
Feeling your arms around me and your lips touching mine are so amazing.
I can be a handful at times.
I can be irritating too.
But please don't give up on me.
Please don't ever give up on who or what you love.
Because I love you and I will never give up on you.
Just please don't leave me.
Please keep loving me and don't stop.......