Longing
So
so
much longing

It’s that undeniable
Magnetic feeling
That draws me in
Unforgivingly

It makes me want
To crawl out of my own skin
Just to get closer to you

It makes me want
To lock you away
Just so I don’t have to share

It makes me crazy
This
Unstoppable
Longing

I crave to be your arms
Constantly
Endlessly

It’s as if you have
Infected all of my being
Down to the soul

I ache knowing
That my arms
Aren’t wrapped around you

But instead are wrapped around me

The lonely flicker of life
wanders through the sands,
knows each grain,
never seeing the same dunes twice.
The sun rises
and greets.
The moon comes
and cools.
Long days and nights,
so much to do.
Keep safe during the day,
be productive at night.
Water growing thin
however,
survival is guaranteed
for it doesn't require much.
Many seek to take everything,
but it has many swords to protect.
Invaders promptly depart.
The desert
is no place
for a life.
Which is why I thrive.

What was fun at first
makes me sick now.
You were enticing
and inviting.
You showed off
your whistles
and bells,
but you just go in circles.
You are a never ending,
unstoppable force.
I thought that
consistency
and predictability
was what I wanted.
But I was wrong.
Adventure calls to me
and you spit in its face.
I am tired of this ride.
The same old thing
has gotten boring now.
I want excitement
that is why I jumped off.

I am out of everything.

I’ve poured out so much over you,
but you are a ghost,
a phantom,
a beautiful
blissful
dream.

The feeling of feeling
clouds my head
and takes over my judgement
every
single
time.

It's like a shock
bringing me back to life,
and then it fades
leaving me cold
and alone.

You are that sweet whisper
bringing the life back to me
for just a moment.

And I live for that moment
no matter how fleeting it may be.

You **** everything out of me
and, yet
I still let you
take
everything
because for a second
you also give me everything.

Halfway between
city lights and starry nights
is where you will find me.
My heart yearns to wander the cosmos,
my brain keeps me grounded with reality.
I am only at peace
when I am somewhere
amongst the clouds.

He hit me like a brick wall on a Friday night
with a force so overwhelming
I started falling.
Our eyes met and something unbelievable happened.
A feeling so right stole through me,
the kind of right that should be illegal.
I saw the beginning, the end, and everything in between.
All of his highs matching all of my lows,
there was an intricate balance.
Tears in the past,
smiles in the future,
and an endless amount of memories in the present.
I saw it all.
Absolute happiness walking hand in hand with undeniable fear,
It was all there, right before my eyes.
A future,
a life,
something that I always dreamed of finding,
but believed that I would never have.
And in that moment, I felt something rise from the brokenness.
Because when I looked into his eyes,
I saw an achievable perfection.

I once believed
that monsters hid
under the bed
and in the closet.

I never knew
where they truly resided:
within me.

I am cursed.
My monsters
told me so
last night when they kept me awake.

You see, they show
their ugly faces
all night long
and remind me
to stay awake,
or else they’ll get me.

A restful night,
a pleasant dream,
these things I’ve only hoped for
but do not actually know them.

Because I live a haunted life.
And once you are haunted,
you will never know peace.

I lie
in the darkest parts of you,
and everyone.
I wait
in the shadows of your heart,
and everyone’s.
Sometimes, you never see me.
Most times, I come out to play.
Once I have control
you never are the same.
I am the reason that people are ruined,
but nobody knows where I came from.
You.
I came from you.
You created me
then gave me to the world.
But you never knew about me.
I am the unexpected
byproduct of failure.
But I am not hate
or jealousy
or envy.
I am just toxic.

Lub dub
Lub dub
Skip
Is what I felt when I met you
That skip
Was like power jumping
Off of the moon
And free floating in space
It was like leaving my body
And being slammed back into it
And to think
I haven’t even truly seen you yet
I can’t even imagine what that skip
Will feel like
When your eyes meet mine
When you hold my hand
When you kiss me
At what point will it no longer be a skip
But instead a stop

I am ash.
My flame?
Gone.
My fire?
Doused.

Just a shadow
of what I once was,
the faded glory
slowly blowing away.

How did this happen?
I was strong,
mighty,
feared.
Now I am nothing.
I am ash.

When did this happen?
Just a second ago
there was a spark.
All you need is a spark.

Now nothing burns.
The embers are gone,
the spark has fizzled,
and I am ash.

I am a woman.
I’ve got full, pink lips
and pretty eyes,
soft, smooth skin
and a delicate frame.

If only you knew.

My full, pink lips
hold back a scream.

My pretty eyes
shed enough tears to end the drought.

My soft, smooth skin
has been black and blue.

My delicate frame
violated.

But nobody wants to see that.
They don’t want the truth,
they want the desirable woman.

The one who smiles and says she’s okay.
The one who is so good at pretending
everything is okay
until it is.

So I wake up every morning,
put on something pretty,
apply some makeup,
and do my hair.

I hide who I am,
and pretend
because I am a woman.

How wrong of me
to spit
and swear
and wear pants.
How wrong of me
to ball
and bleed
and sweat.
Hushed voices,
such a shame.
How bout you bring it
to my face *****?
Isn’t it terrible!
She’s all *****.
Isn’t it horrific!
She looks like a mess.
My daughter always
is prim and proper,
and she is a filthy
wannabe
man.
Well excuse me ma’am!
Sorry the dress doesn't fit
and the make up isn't my shade
and the heels are uncomfortable.
Just because I don’t look
all prim and proper
doesn’t mean anything.
I’m still a ******* lady.

To the one who falls in love with me:

I am not easy to love,
and for that I am sorry.

You see, so much
so so much
has happened to me.

I wish I could explain,
but the damage took over
a very long time ago.

My spirit barely clings to life.
I want you to understand,
It’s not my fault,
and it’s taken me forever
to finally see that.

After the abuse
and the assault
and the torture
I became broken
and I remain broken.

I survived everything,
but surviving isn’t living.
I stopped living for a while.

It was so hard to keep going
especially in this body.
But I pushed forward,
even when I did not want to.

As much as I would like to say
that I’ll be whole again soon,
I have accepted that
there isn’t always
a light at the end of the tunnel.

But, that’s okay.
I found comfort in the darkness,
and I do know
that one day the hardship will end.
Whether that end be death
or true recovery,
I’ll never know.

Please understand,
I am begging you.
I know that I am hard to love.
I have so many cracks
and problems
that it’s hard to see the good
sometimes,
but please try.

Please don’t give up on me.
Please give me a chance.
Because I promise you,
when you make it past
my arsenal of defenses
you’ll see all of me.

The challenges ahead
are meant to push you
to your absolute limit.
I cannot be hurt again,
so I will test you until
you are deemed worthy.

So, be patient
and find the will to go on,
like I did.

And when you make it,
when you see all of me,
it will be worth it.

Because that’s when
you’ll truly understand
everything about me,
everything I’ve been through
everything I’ve worked for.

And then,
and only then,
will you truly be able to love me.

what a joke
love
the thought of it
is repulsive
the feeling
disgusting
why
because today
***
is
love
*** is *****
*** is everything
love
is
***
our belief lies there
we have reduced
incredible feelings
to nothing but
sinful actions
its okay
everybody is doing it
but why
why make love
over having love

What a feeling
Getting so high that you truly can’t come down
Soaring to a different plane of being
So far off the ground
The kind of high that gives you the toe curling tingles
One that you feel in your gut
Euphoric
Your heart stops beating for a second
And everything moves in slow motion
Then you crash
And it feels like your dumped in ice water
The heat rushes to your skin
The butterflies take off in your belly
Every nerve ending fires
And you start floating

Fire surrounds me
Burning so hot and aggressively
Yet the flames that lick my skin don’t hurt
Instead they fill me with passion and determination
The power and strength necessary for the quest ahead
It burns away the restraints holding me back
At last
I am reborn
At last
I live

There’s a familiar tug on my heart strings
One that I haven’t felt in some time
Although it’s strange
It’s also comforting

I never realized how much
My soul yearned for music
But even though I’m out of tune
I’d love for you to play me a melody

The spirit within me starts to sing and dance
To your notes
Because even though I’ve never heard it before
I already know this song

Enslaved for so long
In this despicable hell hole
Chained, broken, ******
While a wild sea thrashes over me
Deafening me
Weakening me
But one night
During the eye of the storm
I look up
And see her staring down at me
With a voice like thunder
“Rise and take your rightful place”
Then the storm overtakes me again
But I find the will
To free myself from these chains
I demand to be freed from this prison
By order of the goddess who believed in me
I no longer answer to the sea
It answers to me

I am surrounded by idiots
you known nothing
of what I've been through
so don't empathize with me
don’t pretend like you know
you don't see what I see
when I look in the mirror
you say you can understand
but you haven't been the thief
stealing your own dreams
or the killer
murdering your hopes
or the ******
******* your life up
to see yourself as your own worst enemy
takes a special kind of view
it takes damaged eyes
you know nothing
of what I have been through
so don’t be an idiot
don’t say that you know
just keep to yourself
stay in your bubble
keep out of my way
because my life
would **** you

Calm
Stillness
You’ll find me at the center
A memory flashes
One tear escapes
A ripple forms
And now the calm
And the stillness
Become a giant wave by the time it reaches the shore
One thought
One moment
One tear
Can shift the balance between peace and destruction
And that peace,
Once it’s disrupted
Is so hard to find again
Because who can tame a stormy sea?

As I am once again
left with no goodbye,
I shall still send my sweet wishes.
My dearest, my darling,
sleep and dream.
Dream of daring sword fights,
dream of being a hero,
but, most importantly, dream of me.
My spirit is with you, all through tonight
it sleeps alongside you
because that is where I long to be.
The last traces of your lips
consume my every thought,
and I hope and wish that
the feelings can conquer
the space in-between us.
For you are so far away,
I can no longer feel your presence
between the sheets that we share.
My dearest, my darling,
wherever you wander off tonight
in your subconscious, just know,
that I bid you goodnight.

When I am with you
I feel nothing
I feel everything,
why is that?
It hasn't been that long,
yet you have this power over me.
A power I cannot explain,
a power that electrifies,
a power that calms.
What a feeling.
A high so great
I’m floating in space,
but grounded firmly
as if I'm at the earth’s core.
Free and trapped.
A jump off a cliff,
thrill,
excitement.
Stopped by the bungee
safety,
security.
What is it
about you?
I cant identify
why
my senses are on fire
and chilled on ice.
What is it
about you?
I want to know.
I need to know.
For my curiosity grows stronger
with every day.
My spirit yearns to understand
why.
Why you?
Why this?
Why me?
The feelings of two extremes
trapped in one body,
trapped in me.
A thrashing ocean on the surface
yet I find peace underneath.
Heat on my skin
but I shiver.
Volts run through my veins
whenever you are near.
A system shock to my brain.
I want to know you.

Whispers
endless voices
brushing so gently across my skin
the sultry tenors
seep like molasses
over me
creeping
steadily
into my heart
mind
soul
snatching my breath
with those thick
heavy
vibratos
leading me
down
into darkness
into death

Most people wouldn't thank you
for what you did.
But I am thanking you.
Despite everything
inside of me telling me not to.

I am thanking you because
without you
I would have never become great.
Without you
I would have never realized my true worth.
Without you
I would have never learned to love myself.
Without you
I would have never known my breaking point.

So, thank you.
Thank you for absolutely wrecking me.
Thank you for turning my life upside down.
Thank you for making my life hell.

But most importantly,
thank you for walking away
and never looking back.
Because while you rode off
into the sunset
I had to fix myself
and now
I'm better for it.

Hair standing up,
tingles down my spine,
flutters in my gut.
What is happening?
It’s like an electric current
replaced my blood.
Coursing through
every
inch
of
me.
A power so sensational.
A power I fear.
It struck me like a lightning bolt,
fast,
hard,
life altering.
I dare not speak its name
for it retreats as fast as it came.
So I stand and embrace it.
I let it flow through me.
I willingly become its host,
despite the fear
because
I’d rather know it
and lose it
than never feel it at all.

I remember it all

Heart racing
Clammy skin
Muscles tight
Insides coiled

Screams stuck in my throat
Bile churning in my stomach
Tears filling my eyes
Fists ready to fight

I was frozen
Like ice
Like a statute

Something
Touching me

Unwanted

Feeling like a caged animal
Thrashing against the chains

Wanting to have my soul
****** out of my body

But I did nothing
I said nothing

And with every
Brush against my skin
It felt like knives

But I would have preferred the knives

And with every
Movement inside me
It felt like death

But I would have preferred death

Death would have been easier than this

It rings

Hello?

Yes, its me
just checking in.

Oh, hi.

It’s been a while,
can we talk?

We really shouldn’t.
I left you.

I know, but
I really miss you

I miss you too.
But this is what is best.

Can’t we just
see each other
one
last
time?

I…
I…
Yeah,
but it’s the last time.

I promise!
The last time.
See you at the usual spot?

Meet you there.
I’ll see you soon, my sweet high.

Like sap, lazily seeping down a tree
Through the cracks in the bark
From the peak to the earth

Or a breeze, gently lifting the leaves
Shaking the young branches
Creating a whistle

Or sunshine, surely warming the air
Rays peek through the treetops
Heating what’s below

Or the fog, swiftly setting in
Hugging the forest floor
Trapping souls in a hazy stupor

Goosebumps cover my flesh
And my breath quakes
As the call envelops me
And I wander deeper into its sound
Until I’m lost

Alone,
in the prison
that is my mind.

The jailbirds’ whispers
raise all the hairs on
my skin.

“Give up”
“You’ll never be good enough”
“Just end your
pathetic
miserable
life”

I cannot take
this torture
anymore.

So, I killed the jailbirds

Before they could **** me

Two roads diverged in a wood
and I, I was forced to take the road less traveled by.
The road that’s cold,
the road that’s lonely.

Being on this road
is something that I am not used to.
I am used to soft morning kisses
and goodnight hugs
and shared everything.

But now that I am here
I see something new,
something strange,
something I never knew that I needed.

Seeing a new height
above the clouds,
my mind is clear.

Losing you
wasn’t a loss.

Because in losing you
I found the sun.

Been on this battlefield
for what seems like forever,
but it’s only been 960 days.

Fighting the enemy
every
****
day.

This faceless enemy
doesn’t follow
the conduct of war.

It strikes whenever
it feels like it,
whenever I am the least prepared.

This faceless enemy,
with a name so scary
I dare not speak it
for it might creep up on me
and attack.

Constantly beating
down on me.
An endless force
that never retreats.

I have to find the will
to hold the line,
to keep it from breaking through.

As the number of days increase,
the risk of loss because greater.
For if I lose now, I fear I may never recover.

It was heavy.
The weight of the world
fell on me, and it was heavy.
All the moments of my life
I have carried this weight.
My body was tired
from it.
I could no longer do this,
I could no longer support this.
Crash. My knees hitting the dirt.
Crack. My body failing me.
Screams from my friends
Ringing in my ears.
“Help her!”
“Save her!”
They knew
the weight I carried
was hard for me
but they did it anyways.
Forcing nutrients into me.
Giving me more weight.
Weight I had to carry
not them.
Weight I could not
live with,
weight I hated.
For I was too heavy.