Today, a man asked me if I'm happy. I thought about his question for a moment. I mean, there's nothing wrong with my life. I have a great family, I adore my friends, I'm going to a college I love, yet I still feel empty. I told him "yes" anyway. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know you're lying." I thought my facade was convincing, but I guess I'm losing my talent.


                               B.S.

Your
Last
I
Love
You
Sounded
More
Like
An
I'm
Sorry



                               B.S.

Day 1: No, you're not gone. You're just busy. You're still mine.
Day 2: Why did you leave. I can't breathe. How could you do that?
Day 3: I'm okay.
Day 4: *******. I hate you. I hope I never speak to you or see you again.
Day 5: I love you.
Day 6: Please come back.
Day 7:  You're the biggest *******. You never deserved me.
Day 8: I miss you.
Day 9:  God, you hurt me so badly. Why do I still want you?
Day 10: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Day 11: You promised me forever.
Day 12: I don't need you.
Day 13: I feel empty.
Day 14: I'm fine.


                              B.S.

I'm so sorry that I keep pushing you away.
My chest tightens at the thought of being in love.
I've been hurt so many **** times that it physically makes me sick to think about falling for someone again.
God, you mean so much to me, but I have no idea how to show it.
I'm scared.
Terrified for that matter.
I don't want to get hurt, but I don't want to lose you.
You make me happy, but I can't show you.
You make me feel again, but I won't tell you.
Because of you, I genuinely smile, but I won't let you see.
I just want to crawl under my covers and pretend I don't exist.
I don't want to fall for you.



                               B.S.

It's curretly 2:18 a.m. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor drunk and crying so hard I can't breathe. There are so many things going through my mind. My current thought is what I did that was so wrong that you treated me like ****. I loved you with everything I had and more. I was the one who would stay up with you until ungodly hours trying to convince you that you are important. That you are loved. That you are special. I was the one who loved you through thick and thin. I was the only one who was there when you felt broken. I was the one who was constantly there for you. I was the one who would do anything for you. I was the one who would give up everything for you. I was the one who tried so hard to make you happy no matter how badly I was hurting. I was the one who loved you. That wasn't enough for you, though. You pushed me down and every time I tried to pick myself back up, you'd push me down harder than the previous time. You drained me. I was hurting and you didn't care. The only time you seemed to care was when I was planning on leaving because I couldn't take it anymore. You were selfish. All you thought about was yourself and what you were gaining from me. Even when you finally tried to let me go, you drew me back in with your stupid "I love you's" and ******* it, I can't believe I fell for that. The only thing I gained from you was self-hatred. You're the reason why I hate myself. You're the reason why I'm so insecure. You're the reason why I can't stand myself. You're the reason why I can't be alone for long periods of time because who knows what I'll do to myself. You claimed that you loved me, but you don't do that to someone you love.


                              B.S.

Abandoned buildings, towns, homes, and everything in between have always sparked my curiosity. Each of them have a story to tell which I yearn to hear.  

Maybe that's why I've always been so drawn to you.


                                  B.S.

It seems to me as though people don't take the chance to get to know other people anymore. It's all about physical attraction and getting with that one person that everyone wants. Maybe we know each other's names and maybe where we're from, but do we know each other's pet peeves or biggest fears? Hell, do we even know each other's favorite color or birthday? The answer to that question is no. We don't. But one thing that I've found is that you'll never know someone better than that person that decided to sit next to you on the airplane on your way back home for the holidays. Maybe airplanes aren't the most intimate place to have deep conversations, but you're stuck with that person for god knows how long and chances are, you'll never see them again so why not open up and ask this person questions about themselves? I've met many different people when I've traveled by myself and I couldn't be more grateful for the opportunity I had to get to know these people. Ive met an old man from Australia who couldn't keep his mouth shut about a girl he had a crush on when he was twelve. He crashed his bike while she was sitting on his handle bars after they snuck out of their houses to see each other. I've met an older woman who found my college textbook about Confucius to be one of the most interesting books she's read after I let her borrow it for awhile. I've met a teenage girl who was traveling on her own to go see her family in Italy and told me about everything that she wishes to accomplish one day. I've sat with a boy I've met previously once before who I never knew had a thing for old cars and loves cold weather. But you know what the best thing is? You finally notice how people look at you. That old Australian man, yeah, he had the goofiest smile I have ever seen after I told him that he had one of the sweetest love stories I've heard in my entire life. Even as he shut his eyes to try to take a quick nap, he was still smiling. And when I could feel the older woman's eyes on me while writing my paper about Chinese philosophy, I caught her with bright eyes and the slightest smile on her face when i turned to look at her.  That girl traveling alone, well, I don't think I've ever seen a bigger smile after I told her that she's going to accomplish great things in her life. And that boy I sat with, couldn't stop smiling no matter what I said. Every time I'd turn to look at him, I'd catch a glimpse of him smiling before he turned his head to hide his face. All I'm trying to say is, I wish that maybe one day, I could get to know you as well as I know these people I've met on the airplane. I wish that maybe I'll finally have the chance to see the way you look at me.



                                B.S.

I felt so safe around him. Little did I know how dangerous he actually was. He was toxic. With snap of his fingers I was under his command. He could make me do anything even if I wasn't willing to do it. I like to tell myself he meant nothing, but he meant the world to me and more.
He made me hate myself, but I loved him.  
He hurt me more often than I'd like to admit, but his sweet nothings could make me forget everything in an instant.
He made me want to die, but he's the reason I'm still alive.
He picked me up, but pushed me right back down into the dark abyss I was previously in.
He told me he loved me, but he's the reason I can't stand myself.
I was scared. Scared of what I would be without him. He made me who I am.  I was addicted, but I lost him.


                      
                                  B­.S.

Comfort is laying my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat while you run your fingertips up and down my spine.
Comfort is you holding me so close to you that I can almost feel your blood pulse through your veins.
Comfort is you randomly kissing me throughout the night while I'm asleep next to you.
Comfort is feeling your lips leave trails of kisses down my neck to my collarbones.
Comfort is feeling your fingers weaved through mine, tightening whenever someone got too close to me.
Comfort is missing your lips when I lean in for a kiss and all we can do is laugh at how clumsy I am.
Comfort is hearing you whisper sweet nothings in my ear while you run your hands down my body.
Comfort is tangling my fingers in your hair while you kiss me deeper than you ever have before.
Comfort is feeling your skin melt into mine.
Comfort is you.



                               B.S.

It was almost midnight  and we were all looking out the window wondering what trouble we could get into before we all went home for winter break. We realized that it is the night of a meteor shower, so we decided to go outside and have a look.

One shooting star.

So we waited a few more minutes until the next one came.

Then there were at least three more shooting across the sky.

It was magical to me considering I've lived in a city my whole life and there's no way to see the stars unless I drive out to the middle of the desert.

I started running in a different direction to get a better view and my friends yelled at me to come back, but I didn't listen. We walked all the way to the football field. Everything was locked, so we crawled under the gates and walked down to the middle of the field.

I could see the sky stretch in every direction for an eternity. There were so many stars that it looked as if someone spilled glitter and spread it across a black canvas.

A few minutes later...
We thought someone was coming, so we laid in the grass hoping to blend in with the darkness. There was no one. We left anyway, though and I had the bright idea of going to the top of the parking garage to get an even better view.

One shooting star

Two, three, four, five...

They just kept coming.

There was one star in particular that caught my attention, though. It seemed to have been dragging across the sky for at least 20 seconds. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but I've never seen that happen before.

I wonder if that meant something.

We laid there until our bodies started tingling and going numb and we couldn't stand the cold any longer. It was almost 2:30 a.m. and we finally decided to go back.

That night may not sound like much to you, but that's one of the best memories I have.

I finally felt free


                                 B.S.

Distance doesn't always
have to be measured in
how far away a person
physically is. Someone
can be sitting right next
to you with their leg
pressed against yours,
and their hand on your thigh
but it can seem like they're
miles away.



                              B.S.

People always talk about finding "the one," the one who completes them and makes them feel like a unified being. I hate to break it to you, babe, but you're not "the one" for me. You're much more than "the one". You're more like the "the seventeen" and maybe even one day you'll be more like "the sixty three". Now you're probably reading this and thinking "what the **** are you even saying?" Which is a valid question because I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time either, but you already knew that. What I mean by this is you're not just one big lump of you. There's so many different you's that's put into one body. There's a you that makes me laugh uncontrollably and a you that makes me want to tear my hair out. There's also a you that knows how to calm me down and a you that protects me when I can't protect myself. There's a you that walks me to my car even when it's just a minute away. One day, there might be a you that argues with me about what color we should paint the walls of our living room and who knows, there might even be a you who loves your kids more than anything, but a you who puts your foot down when you think they're getting out of line. So, no. You aren't "the one." You're the endless amounts of you and I want them all in every possible way.



                                    B.S.

He's everywhere. You can't escape the grasp he has around your entire being.

He's in the last boquet of flowers he gave you which have been sitting on your desk for months. They're about ten shades darker from the first time you set eyes on them. There are fewer petals and they're much more fragile than your mothers fine china.

He's in the last drop of ink of your favorite pen which hasn't been used since the time you wrote about how much he meant to you.

He's in that T-shirt that he left crumpled on the floor in the corner of your bedroom that's stained with your mascara from that time you cried so hard you couldn't breathe. He stayed to try to comfort you, but the night ended with your bare skin whispering, "please don't leave" as his said, "I can't stay for long."

He's in the echo that rings through your ears every time the door slams shut. But it's not the sound of the door that unthreads your heart little by little, it's his voice repeating "goodbye, I'll see you soon." over and over again.

His presence is everywhere, although he isn't physically there. It's not like he ever really was. You sit there and wonder how someone you thought was so beautiful, could have left you with someone so ugly. Heartache and hope. You hope that maybe he'll come back, but you know that he isn't. He was never planning on coming back. All that you have left is the ghost of him, or who you thought he was.



                               B.S.

Fall in love with the way his voice shakes when he tells you he's scared to lose you
Fall in love with the way he smiles when you kiss his cheek while he's trying to sleep
Fall in love with the way he gives you goosebumps when he whispers sweet nothings in your ear
Fall in love with the way his fists clench when he gets frustrated because he can't explain how much you mean to him
Fall in love with how he plays with your fingers when he's lost in a conversation with you
Fall in love with the way his voice can calm your most vicious demons.
Fall in love with the way his lips melt into yours every time he kisses you
Fall in love with the way he brushes your hair out of your face so he can get a better look at you and tell you how beautiful you are.
Fall in love with how much he annoys you and pokes at you, but makes up for it by drowning you in kisses.
Fall in love with the way his laugh travels through your entire body, exciting every nerve.
Fall in love with the way his eyes light up and his lips curl into a crooked smile when you tell him that you love him
Fall in love with the way he falls asleep with his arm wrapped around you and pulls you closer when he wakes up for a quick moment
Fall in love with every piece of him

I've always had a thing for tales of forbidden love and twisted love stories.

Maybe that's why I've been craving you.


                                 B.S.

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Let it out
Open you eyes
Look them straight in the face
Tell them you love them
Walk away without turning back*


If the person you love is making you feel like you're being held underwater for an ungodly amount of time, here's your sign. Do yourself a favor and let go. It doesn't matter how much you love them because I guarantee they don't love you as much as you love them. They don't care about you as much as you care about them. They're a leech, ******* out every ounce of energy you have left. You don't need them. If it hurts more to tell them you love them than it does to think about what it would be like if you lost them, you need to let go. You need to rip yourself off them like a bandaid. It's going to hurt, but you'll be okay. As a matter of fact, you'll be better off than you were. I promise.*



                                 B.S.

I hate you
I hate the way you laugh
I hate the way your eyes squint when you smile
I hate your long, skeleton-like fingers
I hate your freckles that scatter across your nose and cheeks
I hate your long legs
I hate your body
I hate your messy brown hair
I hate your bruised skin
I hate your knobby knees
I hate the way you laugh
I hate your voice
I hate how you wrinkle your forehead
I hate how you lock your heart away from people
I hate how negative you are
I hate how you let people use you
I hate how you can't tell people "no"
I hate how you give in so easily
I hate how you care about people who don't give a **** about you
I hate how you love people more than they love you
I hate how you fall for lies
I hate how you care about what people think
I hate how you try so hard to please people
I hate how ditzy you can be
I hate how you can be so clueless to the outside world
I hate how you make the same mistakes over and over again
I hate how you let things get to you
I hate how you're so forgiving
I hate how you give everyone a chance
I hate how you give people second chances when they don't deserve it
I hate how you feel guilty about everything even when you've done nothing wrong
I hate how you let people take advantage of you
I hate how sad you are
I hate how you hide your feelings
I hate how you bottle everything up until you blow
I hate how you break people's hearts
I hate how you don't care
I hate how you don't have motivation to do anything
I hate how you get annoyed so easily
I hate how you're willing to do anything for people who wouldn't even lift a finger for you
I hate how you give yourself to people to fill the void inside you
I hate how your body constantly shakes because you're always nervous about something
I hate how you feel trapped
I hate how your chest gets tight when you think about how much you miss him
I hate the way you treat yourself


I hate how much I hate myself*


                                B.S.

Have I always loved you or was I in love with the idea of being in love with you? Loving you wasn't all that I made it out to be. I imagined loving you would feel like the crash of the waves of the ocean hitting my waist while hearing the laughs of kids who are just meeting the beach for the first time in their lives. I imagine loving you would feel like rainy days in the summer that last for three days straight and make the grass and plants look greener than ever. I imagined loving you would feel like the first warm day of spring after enduring the bitter winter for three months. I imagined loving you would feel like discovering the most beautiful place I  just recently had the privilege of exploring.  But what was loving you really like? Loving you felt like getting the air knocked out of my lungs after falling while ice skating when I was a kid. Loving you felt like my first skinned knee after falling off my bike while learning to ride it without training wheels. Loving you felt like the first time I got too drunk and the room started spinning and nothing could stop it. Loving you wasn't all I made it out to be. Maybe I didn't love you, maybe I did. All I know is, that's not what love is supposed to feel like on my side. Maybe you loved me, maybe you didn't. I know the words you spoke, but I don't know what went through your head. I just hope the next girl who loves you feels something different than what I felt.

Did he make you smile so much your cheeks were sore?
No.
Did he kiss you the way the sun kisses the horizon at sunset?
No.
Did he ever get so lost in your eyes that the only way to release him from the trance was by closing your eyes?
No.
Did his hands shake at the thought of losing you?
No.
Did he ever admit when he was wrong?
No.
Did he want you and only you?
No.
Did he tell you that you meant so much to him that if he lost you, his whole world would collapse?
No.
Did he send chills up your spine the moment his skin touched yours?
No.
Did he allow you to be free to make your own decisions?
No.
Did he make you the center of his world?
No.
Did he love you more than you loved him?
No.
Did he allow you to free yourself from him so that you could be happy?
No.
Did he remind you of how much he loves you everyday?
No.


I'm sorry, but he never loved you.




                              B.S.

You told me you wanted me.
But you already had her.
You told me you needed me.
But it was obvious you needed her more.
You told me you wished I was there with you more than anything.
But she was already there.
You told me I meant the world to you.
But she was your whole world.
You told me you were in love with my eyes.
But you were lost in hers.
You told me you wanted to kiss me.
But her saliva was already on your tongue.
You told me you loved me.
But you were in love with her.


                                B.S.

I remember the first night I met you. You greeted me with a smile, and god, that smile could have ended wars.

That same night, you told me that I'm beautiful accompanied by a "good night" text.

The next few weeks of being with you consisted of the same exact routine.

You seemed almost perfect from what I could  tell.

Every time we were together, it was a little after 11:00 pm and we were always busy laughing and kissing, ignoring the movie you had playing for the past forty five minutes. (Although, it didn't really matter considering you had an awful habit of starting the movie where you left it playing the last time you watched it.)

You finally asked me to turn off your t.v. so it could just be me, you, and the dark.  

We laid there with our bodies pressed together enjoying the silence. I'd feel your fingertips running down my side, to my hip, and you'd slide your hand up the back of my shirt so you could run your hand down the vertebrates of my spine.

You told me that my skin was soft and you couldn't seem to keep your hands off it. If I close my eyes, I can still imagine how it felt to feel your skin on mine. The goosebumps still appear even though I know you're not really here.  

You always had a thing for staring at me far too long for my comfort. I covered your face, you kissed my hand, and after I removed it, you stared at me so intensely for a few more seconds, it was as if you were trying to dig out my secrets.

And don't even get me started about your lips.

Every time you kissed me, it always felt like it would be the last, but it wasn't. The last time you really kissed me, I had no idea I would never feel your velvet lips on mine. I thought you'd stay forever and I'd never have to go a day without kissing you, but boy, did I have a very unpleasant surprise coming my way.

We'd fall asleep in each other's arms every single night we were together, even though we both knew I had to be back in my own bed within the next hour or two. I'd wake up, check the time, and you'd whisper how you didn't want me to leave yet and how you'd miss me too much, but you couldn't stay with me because I had to wake up for class the next morning.

You walked me home every time, even though it was freezing outside and you were exhausted from a long day at work. Our hands were constantly  clasped so tight it seemed as if they had melted together and nothing could get between us. You made sure I was safe before leaving me with a sweet goodbye kiss.

You'd text me when you got back home and would tell me goodnight even though I just saw you ten minutes before that.

My clothes smelled like you. My hair smelled like you. God, even my skin smelled like you. I'd fall asleep with my sleeves pressed up against my nose because it helped me forget that I had to sleep without you for the rest of the night.

I'd wait all day to see you again. The hours dragged on forever. I couldn't wait to be in your arms again. I have never craved someone so badly before. You were different.

Unfortunately, this all came to a halt. I still remember the last night I spent with you. I even remember what outfit I wore. I had no idea I would never see you again. I knew you had to leave for a little while, but not forever.

I lost you.

I didn't know why. I wondered what I did wrong, but come to find, it wasn't me who ****** up. It was you. I didn't understand why you did what you did, but you told me you had your reasons. You had no valid excuse of hurting me, though. You were at a loss for words until I was sending you paragraph after paragraph and you finally had some ******* to come up with.

I hope she was worth it.

I could have loved you. If only you gave me the chance.



                             B.S.

I don't miss your lies.
I don't miss how you used me.
I don't miss how you never cared.
I don't miss how you hurt me constantly.
I don't miss how you'd yell at me.
I don't miss how you made me cry.
I don't miss feeling alone even though I had you.
I don't miss telling you I love you.
I don't miss contemplating whether I should leave.
I don't miss how I was afraid of you.
I don't miss how angry you were.
I don't miss your threats.
I don't miss how you treated me.
I don't miss you.


                              B.S.

I hope she makes you feel weightless. I hope she makes you feel warm. I hope she makes you smile. I hope she does everything I couldnt
I hope she doesn't make you sad. I hope she holds your hand so tight that nothing can get between you. I hope she kisses you softly
I hope her heart aches when you're not around. I hope her lungs collapse when you leave. I hope her bones shatter when you scream
I hope you remember who loved you more than life and would do anything for you. I hope that's enough to twist your insides into a knot.


  
                                B.S.

I hope you find someone who falls hard for you.
I hope you find someone who loves you at 1pm and loves you even more at 3am.
I hope you find someone who throws bits of food at you and laughs as loud as they want in fancy restaurants and doesn't care what other people think.
I hope you find someone who lights candles and makes you tea while watching your favorite movie.
I hope you find someone who wakes up in the middle of the night and covers you with a blanket so you're not cold.
I hope you find someone who wakes up in the morning smiling at you and kisses the top of your head while you're still sleeping.
I hope you find someone who is willing to pick you up from your house late at night  when you don't feel well because they want to take care of you.
I hope you find someone who picks you up and dances around the kitchen while they're making you dinner.
I hope you find someone who sings at the top of their lungs because they know it makes you smile no matter how obnoxious they sound.
I hope you find someone who holds your hand while driving.
I hope you find someone who reminds you of how important you are.
I hope you find someone who tries to makes you smile even if you're mad at them.
I hope you find someone who surprises you with your favorite candy on days you feel low.
I hope you find someone who randomly grabs you and kisses you like it's the first time all over again.
I hope you find someone who's not afraid to feel absolutely everything for you.
I hope you find someone who doesn't let you cry yourself to sleep while you're laying next to them.
I hope you find someone who gets drunk and goes on late night walks with you.
I hope you find someone who writes you letters just because.
I hope you find someone who will find you a rock or shell on the beach to keep as a memory from your adventure.
I hope you find someone who puts in as much effort as you do.
I hope you find someone who tries to love you more than you love them.
I hope you find someone who loves you with everything they have.  
I hope you find a love so strong it consumes you.

"Stop."
"Why?"
"Please just stop."
"Come on, you'll like it"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Just no."
"I'll make you feel so good."
"Please don't. "
"Tell me why."
"I'm not ready for that."
"I want you so bad."
"That's too bad."
"Come on baby."
"No.......please stop. Please."
"Why aren't you wet baby?"
"...."
"Go down."
"What?"
"Go down."
"No."
"Come on. Please?"
"No."
"Just for a second. Come on babe."
"I don't want to."
"Let me have you."
"No."
"****, please? Just go down for a second"
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I'm not ready. I don't want to."


This is where things got physical and God, let me tell you, I've never felt so violated. I hate myself. I ******* hate myself.



                               B.S