I'm so sorry that I keep pushing you away.
My chest tightens at the thought of being in love.
I've been hurt so many **** times that it physically makes me sick to think about falling for someone again.
God, you mean so much to me, but I have no idea how to show it.
I'm scared.
Terrified for that matter.
I don't want to get hurt, but I don't want to lose you.
You make me happy, but I can't show you.
You make me feel again, but I won't tell you.
Because of you, I genuinely smile, but I won't let you see.
I just want to crawl under my covers and pretend I don't exist.
I don't want to fall for you.



                               B.S.

The winter air was fresh and cool,
but became more harsh
as the night went on.
It traveled through my body
at an optimal speed leaving
no nerve untouched by
its frigid breath.
It stung my skin,
turning it a bright
rosy color.
That was nothing, though.
It started numbing my cheeks,
traveling to my hands
and every other part of my body
that was exposed to the dangers
of the winter.
The icy feeling sunk deep
into my bones and every crevice
it could find which caused
my body to tense up
and shake so uncontrollably
that I couldn't function properly.
The sad thing is,
this is what it felt like to love you.


                                 B.S.

Day 1: No, you're not gone. You're just busy. You're still mine.
Day 2: Why did you leave. I can't breathe. How could you do that?
Day 3: I'm okay.
Day 4: *******. I hate you. I hope I never speak to you or see you again.
Day 5: I love you.
Day 6: Please come back.
Day 7:  You're the biggest *******. You never deserved me.
Day 8: I miss you.
Day 9:  God, you hurt me so badly. Why do I still want you?
Day 10: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Day 11: You promised me forever.
Day 12: I don't need you.
Day 13: I feel empty.
Day 14: I'm fine.


                              B.S.

Your
Last
I
Love
You
Sounded
More
Like
An
I'm
Sorry



                               B.S.

Did he make you smile so much your cheeks were sore?
No.
Did he kiss you the way the sun kisses the horizon at sunset?
No.
Did he ever get so lost in your eyes that the only way to release him from the trance was by closing your eyes?
No.
Did his hands shake at the thought of losing you?
No.
Did he ever admit when he was wrong?
No.
Did he want you and only you?
No.
Did he tell you that you meant so much to him that if he lost you, his whole world would collapse?
No.
Did he send chills up your spine the moment his skin touched yours?
No.
Did he allow you to be free to make your own decisions?
No.
Did he make you the center of his world?
No.
Did he love you more than you loved him?
No.
Did he allow you to free yourself from him so that you could be happy?
No.
Did he remind you of how much he loves you everyday?
No.


I'm sorry, but he never loved you.




                              B.S.

I don't miss your lies.
I don't miss how you used me.
I don't miss how you never cared.
I don't miss how you hurt me constantly.
I don't miss how you'd yell at me.
I don't miss how you made me cry.
I don't miss feeling alone even though I had you.
I don't miss telling you I love you.
I don't miss contemplating whether I should leave.
I don't miss how I was afraid of you.
I don't miss how angry you were.
I don't miss your threats.
I don't miss how you treated me.
I don't miss you.


                              B.S.

Loving you reminded
Me of a lightning strike;
Metoric, powerful, and fierce.
Everytime your skin
Brushed mine,
It felt like you
Sent billions of volts
Of electricity through
my body  
Leaving no nerve untouched.
Your fingertips shocked my skin
Everytime you put your
Hands on me,
Leaving intricate scars
Across my body.
Your kisses stung, but I craved them.
You were dangerous,
Yet wondrous.  
And I was drawn to you.


                               B.S.

If he tells you he loves you but doesn't ever prove it, let him go.
If he pushes you down more than he picks you up, let him go.
If he doesn't make you smile like he did the first time you saw him, let him go.
If he's the reason why your pillow is soaked with tears every night, let him go.
If he ever threatens to leave you because he doesn't get his way, let him go.
If he's cracking your heart a little more everyday, let him go.
If he makes her smile while you're sitting alone crying, let him go.
If he makes you hate yourself, let him go.
If he tries to change you, let him go.
If he forces you into things you don't want, let him go.
If he's the reason for the empty feeling in your chest, let him go.
If he leaves and comes back whenever he pleases, let him go.
If you've given him more than one chance and he ***** up again, let him go.


Letting go is one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes there's nothing else you can do. Yeah, I know you love him. You're more important, though. I promise that you will be okay without him. Don't let him drag you down no matter how much you love him because I guarantee he doesn't love you as much as he claims to.



                               B.S.

Today, a man asked me if I'm happy. I thought about his question for a moment. I mean, there's nothing wrong with my life. I have a great family, I adore my friends, I'm going to a college I love, yet I still feel empty. I told him "yes" anyway. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know you're lying." I thought my facade was convincing, but I guess I'm losing my talent.


                               B.S.

It's curretly 2:18 a.m. I'm sitting on the bathroom floor drunk and crying so hard I can't breathe. There are so many things going through my mind. My current thought is what I did that was so wrong that you treated me like ****. I loved you with everything I had and more. I was the one who would stay up with you until ungodly hours trying to convince you that you are important. That you are loved. That you are special. I was the one who loved you through thick and thin. I was the only one who was there when you felt broken. I was the one who was constantly there for you. I was the one who would do anything for you. I was the one who would give up everything for you. I was the one who tried so hard to make you happy no matter how badly I was hurting. I was the one who loved you. That wasn't enough for you, though. You pushed me down and every time I tried to pick myself back up, you'd push me down harder than the previous time. You drained me. I was hurting and you didn't care. The only time you seemed to care was when I was planning on leaving because I couldn't take it anymore. You were selfish. All you thought about was yourself and what you were gaining from me. Even when you finally tried to let me go, you drew me back in with your stupid "I love you's" and ******* it, I can't believe I fell for that. The only thing I gained from you was self-hatred. You're the reason why I hate myself. You're the reason why I'm so insecure. You're the reason why I can't stand myself. You're the reason why I can't be alone for long periods of time because who knows what I'll do to myself. You claimed that you loved me, but you don't do that to someone you love.


                              B.S.

I hate you
I hate the way you laugh
I hate the way your eyes squint when you smile
I hate your long, skeleton-like fingers
I hate your freckles that scatter across your nose and cheeks
I hate your long legs
I hate your body
I hate your messy brown hair
I hate your bruised skin
I hate your knobby knees
I hate the way you laugh
I hate your voice
I hate how you wrinkle your forehead
I hate how you lock your heart away from people
I hate how negative you are
I hate how you let people use you
I hate how you can't tell people "no"
I hate how you give in so easily
I hate how you care about people who don't give a **** about you
I hate how you love people more than they love you
I hate how you fall for lies
I hate how you care about what people think
I hate how you try so hard to please people
I hate how ditzy you can be
I hate how you can be so clueless to the outside world
I hate how you make the same mistakes over and over again
I hate how you let things get to you
I hate how you're so forgiving
I hate how you give everyone a chance
I hate how you give people second chances when they don't deserve it
I hate how you feel guilty about everything even when you've done nothing wrong
I hate how you let people take advantage of you
I hate how sad you are
I hate how you hide your feelings
I hate how you bottle everything up until you blow
I hate how you break people's hearts
I hate how you don't care
I hate how you don't have motivation to do anything
I hate how you get annoyed so easily
I hate how you're willing to do anything for people who wouldn't even lift a finger for you
I hate how you give yourself to people to fill the void inside you
I hate how your body constantly shakes because you're always nervous about something
I hate how you feel trapped
I hate how your chest gets tight when you think about how much you miss him
I hate the way you treat yourself


I hate how much I hate myself*


                                B.S.

You told me you wanted me.
But you already had her.
You told me you needed me.
But it was obvious you needed her more.
You told me you wished I was there with you more than anything.
But she was already there.
You told me I meant the world to you.
But she was your whole world.
You told me you were in love with my eyes.
But you were lost in hers.
You told me you wanted to kiss me.
But her saliva was already on your tongue.
You told me you loved me.
But you were in love with her.


                                B.S.

Let me tell you about the first boy I fell for. I mean, really fell for.

He was different. Not in a sense that he was strange or anything like that, but in a way that he was different from most people. He had a similar thought process to me and we actually understood each other. Whenever he would start talking about something that interested him, his eyes would light up and he would put his hand on my thigh, squeezing it whenever his story got more intense. He never broke eye contact with me when it was my turn to speak. He actually listened to what I had to say and no one has ever done that for me before.

I fell for his smile the first time I saw it. I don't know why I was so drawn to it, but I was. It was contagious.

I fell for his eyes. They were dark brown, almost black and extremely easy to get lost in. Everytime he would smile, his eyes would almost completely shut because of how big he was smiling. It made my heart melt.

I fell for how his hand fit so well in mine. Everywhere we went, our fingers were interlocked so tight that nothing could break through us. In fact, whenever someone would get too close to me, his hand would tighten around mine and he'd pull me closer to him. He made me feel safe.

I fell for the way he would look at me. We would be lying next to each other and I could feel his eyes on me. I'd look at him, smile, and cover his eyes with my hand telling him not to stare at me. He would reply with, "Don't tell me what to do. I'll stare at you all I want!" All I would do was laugh and kiss him quick on the cheek.

I fell for the way he touched me. He was always touching me one way or another. He would usually run his fingertips down my side to my hip and up my back. If I got lucky enough, I would feel him brush my hair back and gently kiss my neck. I couldn't help but smile and have the urge to kiss him over and over again.

I fell for the way he slept. Even then he had to be touching me, otherwise he would wake up and drag me closer to him. He looked so peaceful. I couldn't help but kiss his cheek and run my fingers through his hair.

I fell for the way he kissed me. It was natural. His lips seemed to melt with mine and not once did he try shoving his tongue down my throat. His kisses were addictive and I could not get enough of them.

He seemed perfect. Sadly, I didn't find out how big of a ******* he was until it was too late.



                                B.S.

Comfort is laying my head on your chest listening to your heartbeat while you run your fingertips up and down my spine.
Comfort is you holding me so close to you that I can almost feel your blood pulse through your veins.
Comfort is you randomly kissing me throughout the night while I'm asleep next to you.
Comfort is feeling your lips leave trails of kisses down my neck to my collarbones.
Comfort is feeling your fingers weaved through mine, tightening whenever someone got too close to me.
Comfort is missing your lips when I lean in for a kiss and all we can do is laugh at how clumsy I am.
Comfort is hearing you whisper sweet nothings in my ear while you run your hands down my body.
Comfort is tangling my fingers in your hair while you kiss me deeper than you ever have before.
Comfort is feeling your skin melt into mine.
Comfort is you.



                               B.S.

You don't love someone if you can leave them for days without warning.
You don't love someone if your happiness means more to you than theirs.
You don't love someone if you can lie straight to their face and not feel the slightest bit guilty.
You don't love someone if seeing them cry doesn't shred your heart to pieces.
You don't love someone if you get angry at them for being upset and they don't open up to you right away.
You don't love someone if you make them feel guilty for things that are out of their control.
You don't love someone if falling asleep to their voice isn't the most comforting thing to you.
You don't love someone if their laugh isn't your favorite sound.
You don't love someone if when you look into their eyes, you see a reflection of yourself.
You don't love someone if when you kiss them, your mind doesn't go completely fuzzy and you can still remember your name.
You don't love someone if being in their arms doesn't feel like home
You don't love someone if you allow your friends to talk badly about them and you agree.
You don't love someone if just hearing their name doesn't make you smile.
You don't love someone if making them happy isn't one of your top priorities.
You don't love someone if you can admit that they love you more.


    

                                    B.S.

I had the same dream over and over again and I had no idea what it meant. Someone was trying to **** me in my own home, and everytime they went to stab me, they missed. It was terrifying especially since I had no idea who it was.  The last time I had the dream, I saw who was on the other end of the knife. It was me. I was trying to **** myself.

Maybe I was trying to tell myself something. Maybe  that I do have the strength to keep living.




                              B.S.

You meant the world to me. You kept me sane when I thought I might go crazy. You were my escape. I was okay for a little while after you left, but ****. My heart feels as if it has sunk deep into my chest and went into hibernation. I feel so numb and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. There's not a lot I feel anymore, but God, when I think about how much I miss you, I can't help but tear up and feel like screaming. It's been three months and it still hurts the same. My heart stopped the day I lost you and it hasn't started beating since. Maybe that's a good thing, though.



                               B.S.

I am not going to sugar coat it, I hate you. I hate you for making me fall in love with you when you **** well knew we weren't going to work out. Why wouldn't we work out? Oh, because you're a ******* liar. I have no idea who you are. Your whole being is non-existent to me. You're not real. The sad part is, you didn't even fight to make me stay. There's no way in hell I would stay either way, but it would have been nice to know you actually did love me. Obviously every "I love you" was a lie too. I meant nothing to you. I hate you for making me feel important when we both know I am nothing. I will always be nothing. I'm just everyones toy that gets tossed in the corner whenever they're tired of playing with me. That is all I will ever be. I just wish you saw me differently.


                                B.S.

It was almost midnight  and we were all looking out the window wondering what trouble we could get into before we all went home for winter break. We realized that it is the night of a meteor shower, so we decided to go outside and have a look.

One shooting star.

So we waited a few more minutes until the next one came.

Then there were at least three more shooting across the sky.

It was magical to me considering I've lived in a city my whole life and there's no way to see the stars unless I drive out to the middle of the desert.

I started running in a different direction to get a better view and my friends yelled at me to come back, but I didn't listen. We walked all the way to the football field. Everything was locked, so we crawled under the gates and walked down to the middle of the field.

I could see the sky stretch in every direction for an eternity. There were so many stars that it looked as if someone spilled glitter and spread it across a black canvas.

A few minutes later...
We thought someone was coming, so we laid in the grass hoping to blend in with the darkness. There was no one. We left anyway, though and I had the bright idea of going to the top of the parking garage to get an even better view.

One shooting star

Two, three, four, five...

They just kept coming.

There was one star in particular that caught my attention, though. It seemed to have been dragging across the sky for at least 20 seconds. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but I've never seen that happen before.

I wonder if that meant something.

We laid there until our bodies started tingling and going numb and we couldn't stand the cold any longer. It was almost 2:30 a.m. and we finally decided to go back.

That night may not sound like much to you, but that's one of the best memories I have.

I finally felt free


                                 B.S.

"Why are you jealous of the moon?"*

This could go one of two ways. I can either be super sappy and try to sound poetic by saying something along the lines of: "The moon is this beautiful force that draws me in. Whenever I look up at it, I'm breath taken and I forget about everything I don't want to think about for a moment. I want someone to feel that when they look at me and the moon has billions of people looking at it in that way. I just want to be adored."

But the reality of it is:

The moon is surrounded by the stars and that sounds a hell of a lot better than being down here surrounded by idiots.



                                 B.S.

Im tired.
I'm really ******** tired.
I'm tired of the lies.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
I'm tired of not being enough.
I'm tired of getting hurt.
I'm tired of being heart broken.
I'm tired of caring too much.
I'm tired of hiding my feelings.
I'm tired of running away.
I'm tired of being used.
I'm tired of being manipulated.
I'm tired of being pushed around.
I'm tired of feeling weighed down.
I'm tired of being me.

I'm
    so
        ****
              tired


                                 B.S.