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I wonder what goes through your head
As you lie awake at night.
I wonder what you thought I'd say
When you said you weren't right.

Do you know how I pictured you?
The fun one that never rests.
But now I see your sadness.
It sinks anchors in my chest.

I see you yelling for help.
I see you stranded all alone.
I know your looking for something,
Maybe someone to call home.

I think you need help
But I'm too close to you.
You need someone further away
With a different point of view.

You expect me to share your weight,
To bring you in to safer shores,
But I'm finally shaking my blues,
What gives you the right to give me yours?
All the **** that I said
about how ****** up your heart is
now seems to be stripped off
lying on the bedroom floor

And the clock on your wall
is tic-talking to me now
tail dancing to secrets
its cat eyes motion to the door

But your head on my chest
weighs me down like an anchor
keeps me under the lighthouse
drowning just off the shore

And the worst of it is
you know exactly what you're doing
and you know what it takes
to have me crawl back for more
You said I was just a street rat
An Aladdin with no Abu
But if I only had three wishes,
I wouldn't waste a single one on you
The first would be for money
The second would fix my crooked jaw
and my third and final wish
Would get me the **** out of Agrabah
It first served as a conduit.
Somewhere pure to place
passions, pressures and people.
Now this place has become a board
where we must match
eachothers movement
with our own critical thinking.
Each tile filled with recycled lies
hidden within fresh new lines,
where every throw of the dice
could win you the round
or move you back in the ranks,
desperate and drained,
deservedly so.
The totems we've chosen for ourselves
move hastily through the rules,
guidelines and restrictions,
hoping that the next 'chance' card
we draw
might instead read 'fate,'
and that the game will finally cease.
We had no idea the kind of plan they'd constructed
It seemed like any other night until the gunshots erupted
We had no idea that they would come by the sea
It's like they knew exactly where our weakness would be

We awoke in the quarters that they let us share
In less than a minute, we were dressed and prepared
We passed Captain Troy, Composed Mike and Voltaires
We chased down our checkpoint as they headed for theirs

We got past the doors and down the east gate
We passed a few bodies, now resting in fate
Out in the horizon were blazing, sinking ships
Reminiscent of the feeling that this could be it

It was the final battle of this three year feud
A ****** war zone - confined in youth
Endless explosions rained over me and you
The last thing illuminated would be the truth

We finally met our squad at the watchtowers base
When I noticed the calming assurance on your face
We all loaded our guns to await your command
When a shooting star fell just as you raised your hand

The bomb went off and left me shaking my head
But that's better than those injured, unconscious, and dead
You yelled and reminded me to do what it took to survive
To not pity the others, not while we were still alive

Just as you told all the women and men to fall back
Our group was ambushed, caught in the sneak attack
They grabbed you first and you said, 'I love you, now run!
This war isn't over, they haven't yet won!'

So I rushes inside, barred the doors behind me
Where the crippling pain brought me to one knee
They came and they pillaged, they took you in the night
But I wiped the tears from my eyes, and got ready to fight

There were a few other soldiers, one friend I knew well
I sight for sore eyes, he could compose himself
We held the main hall, it was our prison cell
with the enemy at our door, we prepared for hell

Mike was at the window, "oh god, we've been betrayed"
When the doors swung open and life was dismayed
A few shots were fired, there was no time to reload
But we don't turn tail and run, we took the warriors road

The infantry men trapped Mike who began to weep
As the bayonet blade sunk its edges in deep
He screamed out to me "Things are not as they seem"
The rest of us kick,
we bite,
we scratch,
and we screamed

Oh dear lord, how loudly we screamed





The final bastion broken, our defenses crumbled
With a sword to our throats we kneel to be humbled
I look up to meet my executioner, and her cold view
A mans last words killed the surprise, I knew it was you


The blade cuts clean
Just as your lies do
I hear when you're upset, a walk calms your mind
It explains why you're in stride all of the time
I know, right now, I'm the cause of your feverish pace
I'm the reason you've took to the trail and covered your face
So I suppose it makes sense that I should apologize
I know you love your shoes, but take this walk in mine
The souls they share - they're already worn
The toes are scuffed and the laces torn
They've been everywhere I've ever tried to roam
Eyelets have seen it all, except a peaceful home
The right tongue, it sometimes slips and lies out right
And the heel has turned, but not without a fight
They know how to cut shapes, they've kicked ideas around
Their views on life and the world are quite profound
The curve where your arch rests, it almost feels divine
They could be a perfect fit, yeah, they're my size nines
If you'll hope for hope
I'll hope that I can, too.
Between the towers and the marble
something drew me to you.

Because you're trying to get something.
I think that it's inner peace.
but you won't find that here,
no you won't, not in me.

And even if I were right,
you would tell me that I'm wrong.
You don't want a man to save you,
just someone who plays along.

So I've stopped answering the questions;
I side with you in false awe.
But wonder and adventure
are both dishes best served raw.

I've introduced you to my friends,
we've all danced the nights away.
And yet I still feel lonely
when you ask why I can't stay.

You haven't put that much together
to not have an answer by now.
It either means you're empty headed
or a tease, but I'm in doubt.

You just don't feel this way,
not as often as me.
And if that's the case,
then I guess we'll never be.

Girl, I still feel alone
when you ask me to stay
because I still feel alone
each and every other day.

See, a man needs something
that he can hold on to,
and that's either his chivalry
or a woman like you.

Yeah, it's either a bottle
or a woman like you.

You know, it's either his faith
or a woman like you.

I swear, life sure gets hard
without a woman like you.
Like having the courage,
but being far from a lion,
I have no straw man,
but a heart to stitch
I have a great mind
Yet it's over oiled
And I've wandered the road
In search of all I've missed

I don't look like a night tremor
But I am
Oh, I am
I don't look like the Fisher King
But I am
Oh, I am
I don't look like a night tremor
But when you dream of fields
I am the burning emmer
I don't look like the Fisher King
But when I lost my mind
it seems I gained everything
I may play with this one a bit more. But for now it will stay as is, it will remain organic.
You were never the target
so I never really missed
Close to home was the spot
I intended to hit
And as for the mark,
I'm not sorry to've took aim
But she was just a simple pawn
in an exemplary game
I believe the exact example given was, "It's like hitting on a girl in hopes to attract her best friend."
It's been a day,

     It's been a nostalgic day

There are plenty thoughts in my head
To keep me up and awake

You said the right things
          the right way
at the wrong time
     on the wrong day

And now we'll never be okay
Nothing could ever be okay

   Again



.
.
.


Shopping at The Wedge
     I ran into an Ex
We started talking again
   We both only wanted ***
We kept in touch,

               we craved the touch

But I left her again,
          Because it felt like too much

     too soon

Much too soon,
     I couldn't handle being alone
with a lover in the room


(Dot)
(Dot)
(Dot)



Sometimes I'm desperate
Sometimes it's desperate for me
Drowned in a cruet
Sometimes I just need to breath

Oh God, I'm trying
          Why can't you see
Please stop taking everyone
     I love
                          away
from me
They sat Together
on the porch with Their hot chocolate
now beginning to chill

He had so much to tell Her
how He felt
how He saw Her
how much She mattered to Him
He was so embarrassed to share His feelings
He was even worried
as to how HIs breath made clouds in the cold air
Hers were not as noticable

there were many things keeping Them apart
the slight mount of snow building between Them
the frigidness of the cold air
and the secrets

the secrets
hanging around Him
like the halo of the snow angel
She had made earlier that night

the love He had for Her
as refreshing as the cool air
against Her soft cheeks
yet He was afraid of it

He took Her hand in his
stared Her in the eye
and gathered His courage

then She said "I Love You"
Not to sound full of myself, but I really like what I did with the capitalization in this poem. It might not be the strongest thing I've ever written, but I still like it quite a bit for this reason.

2006 - Creative Writing high school class
I am afraid
that we can't coexist.
For I am a writer
and you an actress,
and the one thing between us
is quite simply this:
The two, dear,
just don't mix

Now, a writer is one
who likes to make stories,
creates onsets and ends,
crafts his dramas from worries.
He sees the whole world
connected by string;
he knows that one simple pluck
could change everything.

Some call it 'fate,'
and it's called 'life' by a lot
but amongst us creators
it is always called Plot.
Every itch has a reason,
each whisper a whim,
within any characters past
lies a reason to win.

But the actor can only see
from their own point of view.
They must master their character;
how they think and what they'd do.
They expend all their energy
trying to be someone else
while the writer's too busy
trying to figure out himself.
I started to shave my beard from my face
Because someone had said that it had changed
But I was afraid that my youth had passed
So now I just have a mustache
This is for those
Who wear a sleeve on their heart
Because its cold, needs warmth
and it likes the dark
And this is for the ones
with hands on their time
who need a little break
just to clear out their mind

It's funny how a women
can make your head spin
Just like the *****
we've been chasin'
A pretty smile
and a bashful look away
can make you feel
like everything's okay
Forget about pain
and every lost fist fight
her soft eyes
make this the perfect night
I can see her
drinking her ***
I can see me
falling in love
I can see her
sizing me up
I can see me
falling...

In love
in the bathroom hallway
You've got her up
between a rock wall and a hard place
You can see the pleasure
written on her face
and have to imagine
how her lips taste
Too drunk,
every sense has gone numb
Your fingers fumble
on the trigger of her loaded gun
when she asks,
"Do you wanna get outta here?"
You catch your breath
while she grabs one last beer

I fell in love
with the way things used to be
I always come close
but it never comes easy
You have to make love
before you fall into it
Or maybe it's a lie
thats been made up for the kids

All alone,
my mind's over analyzing
I reconnect
with the romantic inside me
I wonder if
this will ever mean anything
Is that my guilt
or my heartbeat racing?
It's probably best
to slow down our pace
Calm myself,
splash water over my face
I finally think
I'm starting to cool down
when someone starts
shooting all the lights out

I'm blacking out
in a barroom bathroom
Waking up
in a ballroom bedroom
The ceiling fan
is spinning softly
but maybe it's the bed,
or maybe it's just me

Well I guess
this is already going down
It's far too late
to try and turn back now
She can feel something's off
by the way I'm breathing
So she whispers
that she really needs me
Tomorrow this will mean
nothing to her
even as she guides
my hand up her skirt
I decide
to get this over with when
the darkness steals
the night away again...
The thin line between lust and love
between the moral boundaries of right and wrong
between consciousness and oblivion


Been having writers block lately, probably because of the stress of moving, changing jobs and personal relationships; I wrote this one beginning to end, in one sitting, to kind of force something out of myself in hopes that it will get some creative thoughts flowing over the next few days.
Your words seem often sheeted
by waves of mystique
Like sand by the ocean
out on the beach.
They pour over your lips
like waterfalls in your head
They come crashing into pools
of what's already been said
I'd love to dive in deeper
submerged in sadness and lies
To bathe in your holy spirit
like an infant first baptized 

Your eyes are like white wine
they help to calm my nerve
Your nerves are like explosions
they catch my eyes as they deserve
Your skin sets my skin on fire
whenever we don't touch
I feel the flame encase me
like a casket forged in rust
Your frame holds the painting
that is your beautiful soul
Your hands, unlike my burdens
could only be mine to hold

Your assets only intrigue me
you carry yourself so well
You drape yourself in clothes
to cover your beautiful self
Your modesty is mesmerizing
your humbleness deserves merit
You carry your lust inside you
like a bomb waiting to be lit
The words you've whispered to me
shoot contradictions like a gun
Contradictions like my ability
to write love poems to no one
Be new here and question
     What it all could mean for you
Become familiar here and marvel
     At all that you can learn
Earn a space here and discover
     Through your errors and failed attempts,
          Your shortcomings
Spend enough time here and realize
     Everybody falls short somewhere
Spend more time here and theorize
     Your wounds mean far more than any others
Grow up here and fortify
     Your weaknesses into strengths
          Your scars into shields
Grow old here and know
     Your scars weigh much less with time
          It's the scars of those close to you
     That become the burden
Grow wise here and learn
     Your wounds mean far less than any others
Die here and understand
     The body is just a vessel

          Eventually,
     It all fades away
A child learns to walk
his way to becoming a man.
A man learns to sit down, shut up
and listen to the master plan.
Seems kinda backwards 
to a guy like me,
so I'll keep walkin' on,
keep bein' free.
They say the grass is greener
on life's other side
so I took a trip,
I went for the ride.
I arrived and I saw
a new point of view,
I showed up refreshed,
feelin' somethin' new.
So I decided
that I'd stay for a while.
Got better reacquainted
with my inner child.
I spent my youth workin' hard
tryin' to grow up,
at twenty years of life I realized
that I hadn't lived enough.
So I opened up my heart and mind,
started trustin' everyone
except those who won't accept me,
those relationships are done.
Peace and love
and all that other good stuff
too many other people
just don't look for it enough.
But I started to accept it
once I opened my mind,
once I broke on through
to the other side.
Trap me in a room
with some normal populace
I'll be antisocial
in my head makin' lists,
'cause I wanna be sure
I don't end up like them.
My life, mind and time ain't as simple
as the suit and tie men.
But put me in a place
with people dyin' to be free
I'll have a smile on my face
and a reason to be me.
I'll enjoy myself,
I'll dance, laugh and love
and know Gods smilin' down on me
up from above.
He didn't give us life
to fill with work, stress and tears,
he never expected us
to face all our fears.
He loves us and he wants us
to be happy and free
like bluebirds in the sky
doin' whatever they please.
3 & 1/2 years later: I wrote this, but never really lived it at the time. I feel I'm much closer to this now than I ever could've hoped to have been when it was written.

How silly that it's one of my most read pieces...
That day the grass boiled,
the sky churned
and the trees melted.
That day I felt better
than you will ever comprehend,
I felt a joy that can only be described
as purely indescribable;
I was the king of my own universe,
tucked neatly away
behind a small suburban neighborhood
where the flowers sold secrets
and the hills truly had eyes.
I was the god of a bridge that evening,
it only stood because I willed it to.
My consciousness was not as sturdy,
gaining omnipotence
took the wind right out of my step.

I woke up
swearing I'd never eat
another mushroom.
The ice sifting in my glass
melts as the full moon sets
Another vice, constricting,
like a tightly wound corset
I can't be around so many people
in such familiar atmospheres
without a mixed drink and a cigarette
intervening through my beers

On her phone, at the table
She seems alone but not ashamed
I wonder if a single person here
could even guess her name
For a little liquid courage
I finish up my drink
I transfer to a closer chair
and ask on what she thinks

"I've got a past consumed by lovers
and a future filled with death
But the only thing I've ever wanted
was someone else inside my head
I want to hear somebody understand
that I don't always feel so fine"
I think I start to fall in love
as she pirouettes her glass of wine

She tells me how she grew up
on shattered hopes and dreams
Yet everything she's ever needed
has been well within her reach
The scars that she has
they paint a vivid history
A reminder of the past
A tour guide, makeshift, just for me

We talk a little longer
We joke and we sing
Halfway through her bottle
her ride informs us she's leaving
She says "I think I'm gunna miss you
when I'm alone laying in bed
Unless you want to take me there
and tuck me in instead"

We head out to the main street
where I hail us a taxi
She says she wants to split my headphones
and hear something relaxing
So we listen to Alcoa
Cab Rides & Cigarettes
I never knew that such a sad song
Could evoke such an affect




I dropped
her off
and left

But I'm glad
that we
had met
At an old friends birthday party,
and I knew you'd be there, too.
Look at me: I've finally got a belt on
and I finally laced up my shoes

Now look at you:

Everyone eating out of your palm
fed by silver, across the room
But remember what the bald kid once said:

"There is no spoon"

The web of life's had us connected
A Taker, a Leaver
The renown rejected
And The Story of B wasn't what I expected

But at least I finally
                                finally read it

Again,

Your nose and cheeks,
lupus red,
The blush of wine
leaves you out of breath
Like the bite of a wolf
that leaves you closer to death



You can't escape the web
“If the world is saved, it will not be saved by old minds with new programs but by new minds with no programs at all.”
― Daniel Quinn, The Story of B: An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit


I have a new favorite book.
Like a lion made of paper mâché
Caught up in an earthquake
They think I look so brave
But I fall apart on shaky days
So,
It's been a couple of weeks
and I'm starting to see:
there isn't much else
that you need from me.
It seems that for you
lust is simply enough,
you forgot about love
once you learned how to ****.
I'm surprised that your sweat
never came out in black,
that the heat never caused
ink to bleed off your back.

Now,
I've seen plenty of woman
use two men as a whole
I'm just not used to fulfilling
the physical role;
I've always been the one listening
on the phone late at night
wondering what your resting head
on my chest would feel like.
But now I'm the one
with my arms 'round your waist
who knows exactly how bitter
your lips always taste.

And,
it took me a while
to finally discover
that of these two halves
I was meant for the other.
Previous women all found
that I'm too thoughtful and kind,
that instead of stroking your ego
I'd rather pleasure you mind.
They say nice guys finish last,
it's the age old curse,
at least it made me feel good
knowing that you finished first.

So,
I'm calling it quits
while I've still got my head,
before I get used
to the scent of your bed,
because every time
that I've ever tried to talk
you tell me your busy
or you're out for a walk.
I just need to find someone
who wants to know me,
wants to dissect all my thoughts
and know why I breathe.


At least I know I can make you scream
We talked.
We got together.
We drank.
We left together.
We ******.
We slept together.
We dreamed.
We woke up together.
We laughed.

I left.

You never responded to my texts again.

At least you didn't continue
to lead me on.
I don't have to spend the time
asking myself
what's going through your mind.
          (I will anyway,
     but at least I don't have to,
          I'm not drawn in by misleading texts,
     words you tell my friends,
          or more drunken ***)

At least I know I was just a body,
used to keep you warm.
It's more than I can say for some others.
Hell, it's more than some others can say for me.
The womb of the mind
births a child of fear
10 word poem
Its paralysis in wonderland
Ignoring all the things you can
Building a soapbox out of buried hatchets
On which you finally hope to take a stand

Will you ever be this young again?

I don't know, but don't get mad
when I ignore your gender, man


We split the toll for the long road home
We find ourselves questioning things
that they never wanted us to know

Pioneering sinking ships,
- still being told to 'row!'
A routine change of quarters,
Pushing on every border,
Until you finally feel you've found a home


Where is your light?

                               Where is your soul?







I guess we've got a ways to go
The infinite serpent
that devours his own tail,
as he reaches the end,
is back where he began;
restarting the journey
inside out

I don't know what's more shallow,
me or the graves that I've dug.
I can't tell what's more empty,
my heart or the ones that I've loved.
I don't feel what's on fire,
Is it my eyes or the bridges I've crossed?
I wonder what's more winding?
My thoughts or the path that I walk.
I can't decide what's more frightening,
the ghosts that I carry or the people I haunt.
I cant see what cuts deeper,
the dagger you've drawn or the things that we want.

The infinite serpent
that devours his own tail,
as he reaches the end,
is back where he began;
restarting the journey 
outside in
There's eyes in the back of my head
and fingers,
outstretched,
looking for anything they can

for something,
though they do not know what
A smile - A wink
A feeling in their gut

Something found, yet never read
Something that words just cannot capture
Their voice inside your head
The feelings of a rapture

A love, so fresh
that it could never be again
The feeling of new fingerprints
held tightly in your hand

A high
Unlike any substance can procure
Someone who understands you
who wants to feel what you endure

I've felt it once before,
yet no matter how I try,
I cannot recreate it
and I still cannot find why

Love is the answer,
that's what Rivers sings to me
But it's also a cancer,
and it makes no difference
what you believe
Buzzed freestyle after a really awesome night.
The devil stands beneath us
In a cold orchestra hall
All dressed up for the winter
Even though its early fall
She's either laughing or she's crying
Which it is I do not know
But she wields it through her fingertips
Unto her cherry wood cello
"Forgo all the secrets
That are twisted in this spire
Lay them unto me
And I will walk them through the fire
They'll smell of ash stained brimstone
From the moment they arrive
But the fact that they've been whispered
Should make you feel you're more alive


Not everything perceived as evil
Has always been that way
Sometimes revelations
Are best saved for another day
What was once seen as an omen
Could be a blessing in disguise
Sometimes the coolest thing you'll ever touch
Is the fire in his eyes"
There's an angel up above us
He's just listened to a song
And he understands it's meaning
Although it wasn't very long
This devil sold a secret lie
Now she fears it's far too late
If she could turn back the hands of time
She would ask for a clean slate
Cynthia is the devil.
She has come to do the devils work.
They say that déjà vu occurs
when your soul happens to be
in sync with the universe;
when you are exactly where you're supposed to be
exactly when you're supposed to be there.

They also say it's a glitch in the matrix.

I don't know what to believe,
But I believe I haven't known what to believe
in this exact situation before.
I get laden back
After having too much to think
10 word poem
I'm like smoke
I begin to blow
Through the concrete
and through the snow
And no one you'll ever know
Thinks the world moves too slow

Except me

Another night another choke
Another ignorant bloke
I feel the world is a stage
So I dance every day
Center stage of the masquerade
and I know we're all feelin' safe

It's like a jungle sometimes

It makes me wonder
Where's the thunder?
I saw the lights but couldn't feel em move
A ******-snack without the due
I couldn't feel the groove
Unless it' was in the amplitude

Another outrageous night

Out of sight
A state of mind
Control everything all of the time
Like the Pharaoh, The Sparrow, a king
Forget everyone
yet retain everything

On top of the world, on top of me

It's all about heart and compatability
And your faithfulness, it spoke to me
I don't think I've ever heard the truth
But the things you see could be your truce
I bet you think you've got me figured out

But none of your words ever left my mouth
Buzzed freestyle
If we're all stars then I want to be a super nova
Not just another white dwarf
I want to be big and bright and expansive
And I want to bring everything my warmth
I don't want to be close to imploding
At least not ever again
I want to give life and shine and my heat
To everyone I can
But what happens when two stars collide
I don't know if you know-
They either **** each other quickly
Or come together to grow
And while I never want to collapse at all
At least not any time near soon
I tell myself I'll get close to another star again
And take a chance to see if we're immune
To see if we could shoot across the sky
Right past other lonely stars so far away
Reaching new galaxies and planets
Turning night cycles to day
But that's only in perfect circumstances
Where I find a perfect matching soul
Because the other truth - the other option
is that we'd both become black holes

The truth is I'm afraid.
Coming to terms with the realization that bettering my life by gaining a real adult career,  focusing on bettering my health, and trying to be a more respectable, happier person overall isn't fixing my fear of commitment and love like I thought it would.
This is your candle to burn,
The wax you long to flux?
You will this wick to blaze?
Then light our match with your crux

I'm a wise owl in sheep in wolf's clothing
Interpreting every cautious move made running with the pack
And you're exactly what you appear to be
You're ghostly traits just as transparent from the back
I am the pretentious walking dead man
Far too good for my own rotting flesh
I guess thats just the way she goes
down
Like any devil in a blood red dress
Last call only tends to last a little while
Until another bitter day calls for a God forsaken night
I am the self-forgetten first born
Passing lessons down after making no first decisions right
I've been on top of the town
Still wet from arctic lengths of time trapped under ice
I keep a hold of others' darkest secrets
ruling this game of thrones and still playing it nice
I'm a king in beggars clothing
I have everything I need and no reason to boast
I don't find joy in you're possessions
salvation found in being no one is a reason to coast
You've lost the fire that kept your spirits up
and have become another mindless ******* bore
when we're old and reacquainted
I'd like to see you convince me that I haven't lived more

"When they unearth these passages
will I appear to be proud?
Not if you're listening close enough.
Not if you're sounding it out."
I swim up the mountains
and climb through the ocean
Not a secret was sold
before the notion
The language of bodies
speaks so well
Not even the soul
questions itself
Pure energy,
harnessed
but not controlled,
being used in the most primitive,
****** way;
The essence of both
fire
and dance,
Making love
in one beautiful
moment
I used to love
being all on my own
That was until
I had you in my home
We'd have music play
and all the lights would be on
I haven't flipped a single switch
since you've been gone

I used to love you
like a shark loves the smell of blood
And now I'm stuck missing you
so ******* much
We used to play games
like opposing teams
But those battles were never
as bad as they seemed

I miss your face
I miss your hands in mine
I miss all the gloomy days
when you'd let your sun shine
I miss your mistakes
Hell, I even miss the lies
But I don't regret the fact
I left tears in your eyes

No, I don't miss the pain
and I don't miss the fights
Now that your gone
I'm fast to sleep every night
I don't miss waiting on you
or being your mother
But I do miss the joys
of having a lover

I feel so bad
for leaving you lost
But you were eating my soul
and it wasn't worth the cost
I don't miss the fears
I don't miss the mistrust
I only miss the feeling
of there being an "Us"

Yeah, I only miss the feeling
of there being an "Us"
For a friend who needs a little time, now that she's going through a tough transition.
The leather was ice cold
in my car and my backseat.
So, we spread out my suitcoat
like a blanket on the beach;
not enough to make much difference,
but it kept the sand off of our feet.
I guess this was the perfect getaway,
a fitting end to a bitter week.
A never ending itch
I can only ever start to scratch
Scared of being scared,
Like backing out of a suicide pact
I surround myself with people
who don't know any better than me
A sea of others gasping for air -
The only place I've ever learned to breathe
I numb myself to their level
Until a comfort washes over me
Surrounded by unlocked minds,
Tying mine down to feel free
I'm drowning in an ignorance
While my best friend eats his LSD
He says I'm trying to run away
By rooting here, like a tree

A map unfolds the way
I think I'm supposed to take
Yet I'll just lay here all day
Until fate shakes me awake

I'm over this, but I can't get out
Loosen the ego in oatmeal cream stout
I'm over this, I can no longer get lost
But I'm already here,

                              so I'll do my best

No matter the cost
'All I want is for everyone to go to hell
It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself
all I want is for everyone to come to hell
there we can be free and learn to love ourselves.' - Mr. Buckley
I don't expect you
to ever really understand
I just wish you had 
the courage to give me one chance
I know you haven't 
seen all the things that I've seen
And trust me I've seen 
far too much of everything
I don't know if it's the drugs
or the path I've chosen
I bet it's both mixed with 
how the blackouts always close in
I'd trade the world away
and all of its stress
for seven simple seconds 
lying next to you in bed
Staring into your eyes
talking deep about life
I bet those seven seconds
would bend the rules of time
Cause I could spend forever
swimming through your velvet voice
And you can tell us whats in common
between me and the lost boys
Time would keep us captive
it would **** off all our pains
like this overdose of Nyquil
slowly coursing through my veins

Just give me a sign
I'd make the right move
Just give me a rhyme
You make it so smooth
Just give me the time
I'd give all mine to you
Just give me a line
You always speak the truth
Go
Go
Growing up has taught me
The kind of man I’m meant to be
I’m not happy when I’m succeeding
and I’m not pretty

Keep your distance
Keep your distance
Keep your distance
From me

I still haven’t figured things out
I doubt that I ever will be
peaceful, coming to terms with that
Makes me feel more free

Keep your distance from me

I used to write of a man lost at sea
Of a mountain man
Of things I’d like to think
I could strive to be

Keep
Keep
Keep your distance from me

I’m drowning on solid ground
Burning and crashing
Surrounded by a thriving town
Burning and crashing
By friends who would never let me down

Keep your distance from me

Please
Oh please
Just give me peace
Covid, losing my job, being comfortable with losing my job, not being comfortable with being comfortable.... it makes a dude write, I guess
Everyone I meet these days
likes to ask me what I do
And I was hoping until recently
that the answer might be you
But she took my hand when Sandra Bullock fell
and then she took me home to *****
And now my moral standing stands alone

and it's contradicted, too
She tried the fiery reds
like love, hearts
and the end of cigarettes
Like the sun rising on a brand new day
But she's tried too much
and they've become a cold, sad grey

Like an elephant
who remembers acquaintances from the past
revisiting their graves
like an old iconoclast

She once tried all of the blues
Tight ripped jeans and salty rivers
for a lover, their eyes the same hue
She even tried to swim out into the ocean spray
But she's tried too much
and they've become a bleak, empty grey

Like the clouds of a storm
on the Fourth of July
******* the joy from
explosions in the sky

She confided at times in the colors brown
The pitch of her own eyes, of sand
and her old hometown
She tried to sculpt her feelings in clay
But she's tried too much
and they've become a dry, calloused grey

Like stones of a castle
built to keep others out
She's locked away in her tower
with a head full of doubt

I hear that, these days, she dabbles in black
Like emptiness, nightmares,
and crooked witch hats
Not unlike the swan in the ballet
But at least this is one color
that will never turn grey
You wake up,
in a world moving too slow
to ever be significant,
and while laying in your bed
you realize something:

Nothing's changed, except who you're *******

---

Twenty years later,
you wake up in a different bed
horrified by a single thought:

Everything's changed, except who you're *******
You are the answer
You are the question
You are indulgence
And you are mass discretion
I am the student
I am the teacher
I am the sinner
And I am the preacher
You are the rabbit
You are the fox
You are both inside
And outside the box
I'm empty pockets
with future wealth
I am acknowledgment
with assassin like stealth
We are practically strangers
Yet we know each other so well
We're riding high on Ferris wheels
While on our own carousel
We are together
Yet at times far apart
We know not where we end
But we know where we would start
(8:20 P.M.)
I'm out my back door
and into the cities
I've got my hat, phone, wallet,
lighter and keys.
It's a short little walk,
the gas stations not far.
I see where they parked,
I enter the car.

(8:30 P.M.)
Kelsey grabs my hand
and looks me in the eye,
she ignores the centipedes
she sees,
or at least she tries,
she then calmly explains
she's out-of-bodied
the entire car ride
and how she's been
counting the stars
even though its not quite night.
She says we're swimming
through the mountains
and climbing up the seas
but from where I'm sitting
we're still in the back seat.
I ask, "Hey, what's she on?"
"I think LSD.
But don't worry, it's cool,
she's dating the guy
throwing this thing."

(8:40 P.M.)
It's a twenty minute ride,
crammed into the Taurus,
but Ashley's in the front,
getting shots poured out for us.
"To a good night!"
We laugh and proclaim,
we down the first drinks
and start the pre-game.
Hennepin then Franklin
then Grand avenue.
We've already got a buzz
now were smokin buds, too.

(9:05 P.M.)
We pull up
just as the suns going down
and as the moon peeks her face
out from under the clouds.
There's already some kid
face down in the grass
some brilliant soul's pulled his pants down
and sharpied his ***.
I guess he shouldn't have passed out
with his shoes still on;
hopefully nobody patrolling
sees him lying in the lawn.

(9:06 P.M.)
The second thing we notice
are the angels on the porch
They've already bent their halos
and lost their wings, of course.
The beautiful brunette
with half her head shaved
turns to welcome us
with a big friendly wave.
With a smile on her face she says,
"Hi! I'm Mel!
Welcome to our party;
welcome to Hell!"
"Where should we put our drinks?"
"Just leave em in your car!
We've got three kegs
and our very own bar!"
We're escorted inside,
in front of at least a hundred people,
and brought to the roof
with a sign that reads Steeple.

(9:20 P.M.)
Jon's tipping a bottle,
just waiting for Kelsey.
He asks her right away,
"Babe, will you marry me?"
She's too far gone
to know what to say,
so he wraps her in a hug
that makes everything okay.
It's clearly a cute joke,
just some little spiel,
but Kels is so high
she thinks that it's real.

(10:30 P.M.)
We all decide its best
if we leave those newly wed
because, to be frank,
there was a lot of PDA going on in their bed.
Mel starts to lead us
down the winding stairs,
by now the broken halo
escaped from her hair.
She said seeing Kels and Jon
made her feel lonely
so she needs another drink
and wants to get to know me.

(11:45 P.M.)
As it turns out
she's a good partner for pong;
but now she wants to sneak off,
to go rip up her ****.
So we take a trip down the hall
and slide through her door.
let me preface this part:
I never expect to score.

(11:50 P.M.)
She gives the lighter a spark.

(11:53 P.M.)
We're making out in the dark.

(12:15 A.M.)
The silence is broken,
we hear someone scream.
We look at each other,
"What the Hell could that mean?"

(12:20 A.M.)
We're scared, so we joke
about what it could be.
The most likely reason?
Something scared the heavens out of Kelsey.
We say she's probably worried
about alien transplants
and the whole entire time
I'm not wearing my pants.

(12:21 A.M.)
"The cops are here!"
I jumped and ran from her bed.
I don't think I'll see those red skinny jeans
ever again.
I manage a quick goodbye
and then I'm into the Hall.
I find my friend Ashley
and our sober cab Paul.
"Kelsey's with the cops
and Tom left with Nancy,
our cars down the road,
lets head to the street."

(12:25 A.M.)
As we sneak out the back
we hear the cops speak:
"The first kid we found
had **** drawn on his **** cheeks."

(1:05 A.M.)
After a while
the three of us arrive,
back to my place,
though we started with five.
The drive back was extended,
even if Paul was driving well,
because in my drunken stupor
I made him stop at Taco Bell.
We head through the porch,
My roommate's still up.
He asks if we wanna drink
and then goes to grab cups.

(1:50 P.M.)
After a few rounds of Kings
Paul's on the couch, fast asleep,
and James went downstairs,
It's just me and Ashley.

(2:00 A.M.)
We turn a movie on
and we sit in my bed.
We discuss all the things
going through both of our heads.
For three straight hours
she flirted up some guy
'til his girlfriend walked in
and started to cry.
She called Ashley a *****
who swore she didn't know
while dude stared at the ground
and said, "Sorry, bro."
Ashley had enough,
she hates being called a guy,
so she winded one up
and kissed her fist to his eye.

(3:00 A.M.)
We didn't watch the movie,
we just talked some more,
until we fell asleep
keeping one another warm.
Two old friends,
two trips in different Hells
and the only thing to do afterwords
was to laugh at ourselves.
Two old friends,
who's hunt for love was a blunder,
who consoled their loneliness
by wrapping up in each other.
The times aren't meant to be read with the poem, just to give it more style, aesthetically.
I woke up drowning
in the sleek black ocean
of unfamiliar pavement.
The cries of worry,
sorrow and shame
bled together as one.
I was asked questions
in what seemed like strange tongues
and responded with foreign answers.
And then, suddenly,
the road swallowed me whole,
like a pill, with no water.

I woke up floating
in the bright ambience
of an unknown struggle.
Needles prodded,
strangers argued
and loved ones watched on.
Confusion set in,
'Did I do something wrong?'
they told me just to lie still.
And then, abruptly,
the morphine surged
and the night fell away.


I woke up relaxed,
the I.V. saw to that,
as did the OxyContin.
Five stitches,
one for each separate time
my body bounced against the blacktop.
A fractured skull,
splintered like a rotting stump
struck by the dullest hatchet.
A broken leg,
encompassed in a new kind of boot,
for once on the receiving end of support.

And now I'm confined to the shrunken world
I map out with each small, slow step.
It seems I'm to die of boredom
rather than in the middle of Round Lake Boulevard.
Was riding my bike on August 8th, my 22nd birthday. I got hit by a truck. Happy birthday to me.
Everything my new friends say
Is drowned out by a light rain
While the acid on their tongues
Starts to pull each of them away

They'll be climbing trees all ****** day

DJs playing on the beach
With sand settling beneath my feet
The ***** and powders meet
And it starts to feel like ecstasy

At least that's what they're telling me

I spot you, so tame
Intrigued by your frail frame
I knew that it would come to this,
It is my favorite game

I stride across the sand, asking your name

The two of us walking through the trees
Your mini skirt inches above your knees
I start to get the sense
You do whatever it is that you please

I begin to think you're the one who's playing me

You say you hate a late bloomer
That people need to grow up sooner
And that all these ****** up kids
Are just another type of tumor

The universe has a meta sense of humor

And now you've got me alone
But you're losing control
You've crossed the thin line
Between belligerent and 'in my zone'

Oh God, I should have known

We are all what we hate
I like to call that fate
And it's why those filled with distaste
consume things that sedate

I've got you figured out, and that's checkmate
We look for Satan with the same intensity
that my mom and dad looked for God.

In retrospect
my parents were always pushing me to expand my consciousness
by huffing glue or gasoline
or chewing peyote buttons.
Simply because they'd done their time,
wasted their teen years
lolling in the muddy fields of Vermont
and the salt flats of Nevada,
naked except for rainbow face paints
and a thick coating of sweaty filth,
their heads festooned
with fifty pounds of fetid dreadlocks,
teeming with crab lice
and pretending to find enlightenment...
That does NOT mean I have to make the same mistake.

Sorry, Satan,
once again I've said the G-word.

Without breaking stride,
Leonard nods and points
to indicate the former deities of now-defunct cultures,
now warehoused in the underworld.
Among them: Benoth,
a god of the Babylonians;
Dagon,
an idol of the Philistines;
Astarte,
goddess of the Sidonians;
Tartak,
the god of the Hevites.

My suspicion
is that my parents treasure their sordid recollection
of episodes at Woodstock and Burning Man
not because those pastimes led to wisdom,
but because such folly
was inseparable from a period of their lives
when they were young
and unburdened by obligation;
they had free time, muscle tone,
and their futures still looked like a great, grand adventure.
Furthermore,
both my mother and father had been free of social status
and therefore had nothing to lose by cavorting ****,
their swollen genitals smeared with muck.

Thus,
because they had ingested drugs and flirted with brain damage,
they insisted I should do likewise.
I was forever opening my boxed lunch at school
to discover a cheese sandwich,
a carton of apple juice,
carrot sticks,
and a five-hundred-milligram Percocet.
Tucked within my Christmas stocking
--not that we celebrated Christmas--
would be three oranges,
a sugar mouse, a harmonica,
and quaaludes.
In my Easter basket
--not that we called the event Easter--
instead of jelly beans,
I'd find lumps of hashish.
Would that I could forget the scene at my twelfth birthday party
where I flailed at a piñata,
wielding a broomstick in front of my peers
and their respective
former-hippie, former-rasta,
former-anarchist throwback parents.
The moment the colorful papier-mâché burst,
instead of Tootsie Rolls or Hershey's Kisses,
everyone present
was showered with Vicodins,
Darvons, Percodans,
amyl nitrate ampoules,
LSD stamps,
and assorted barbiturates.
The now wealthy,
now-middle-aged parents
were ecstatic,
while my little friends and I couldn't help
but feel a tad bit cheated.

That,
and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to understand
that very few twelve-year-olds
would actually enjoy attending
a clothing-optional birthday party.

Some of the most gruesome images in Hell
seem downright laughable
when compared to seeing an entire generation of adults
stripped **** and wrestling on the floor,
grasping and panting in frantic competition
for a scattered handful of codeine capsules.
This is a found poem. I found it in Chuck Palahniuk's ******.

Madison is the thirteen-year-old daughter of a movie star and billionaire who wakes up, dead, in Hell. She soon finds herself and her nearby cell mates, who make up an almost Breakfast Club of the ******-like group, journeying through Hell to discover just exactly why they've all ended up there.
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