I.
I would like to say
that I've given those silly things

II.
I should tell you
I no longer wait for the pages of my comic books
to leap to life
to fight

III.
But that would be a lie,
so I'll just say

IV.
If you meet someone who
believes in heroes,
don't make them stop.
We're getting through the ******* day:

V.
So my crutch is something fictional
something I will never be.

VI.
Take it to your ******* grave,
the words you'd say to me.
"Child's stories" and "fake" and "not real"
Do you think I don't know that?

VII.
I do but it's easier
to get though the day
pretending I have
someone to save.

I.
You make blood look delicious.

II.
That's wrong,
and I wish I could say it with conviction.

I.
And they told me
"All sin is equal in the eyes of god-
and so, you're loving a woman
is just as bad
as if you'd killed one."

II.
I do not
understand god.

I.
Don't listen to sad music
when you already feel like crying.

I.
Let's begin by taking all our clothes
and packing them into a trunk.

II.
Let's begin by packing up our fridge
we'll put it in a cooler.

III.
We can shove them in our car,
please stop and grab my sunglasses,
we're going to need a flashlight
two pillows
and a sleeping bag.

IV.
Come on quickly let me
grab your hand
and we'll start -
I've got a map.

V.
We'll go from here to there
and stop at every town in between,
I'll make us dinner,
you make up the bed.

VI.
Quick, jump in,
I want to begin.

I.
You're
a driving force ,you're
a maniac ,
in the best of ways.

II.
You're calm and
collected,
you're handsome.

III.
I'm not in love with you, and
I wouldn't want to be.

IV.
But I do love you.

V.
I don't think I've ever been
so lucky
to call someone my friend.

I.
"Ready soon?"

II.
"Ready now."

III.
"Come on, young lady."

IV.
And it's don't call me that,
and
I'm too afraid to say it
but what a dagger
in my side.

V.
I'm not young lady
anymore,
but I just can't seem to
tell.

I.
Never read over poems from when you were falling in love.

II.
Never plants flowers you cannot water.

III.
Never paint walls you don't want to live inside.

IV.
Never buy a dress you don't feel manly as hell in.

V.
Never pick up a guitar if your fingers already hurt.

VI.
Never forget your medication.

VII.
Never forget it twice in a row.

VIII.
Never refuse candy.

I.
I've only gotten one
college recruitment letter.

II.
It's from an
all girl's school.

I.
They name every hurricane after
a woman.

II.
So she changed her name
to hurricane.

I.
A veritable clusterfuck of bodies
and I've told no one,
I swear.

II.
But that brown shirt
loose enough to hide my chest
and long enough to hide my hips

III.
I was "he"
I was "bud"
I was "son".

IV.
I was
happy.

I.
Everyone would like to be
beautiful
now wouldn't they?

II.
Don't get that
word near me.

I.
Hey.

II.
Hi, I'm Will.

III.
Will?
Where have your last two letters gone?

IV.
With my femininity.

I.
You know
you go somewhere for inspiration
and all you find is

II.
"Remembrance"
"To those who died"
"Rest in peace"

III.
And the occasional
"I'll stand with you
in this *******
battle"

IV.
I want to poem
that is not about a battle
I want a poem
that says

V.
Good,
you've ******* made it.
Good on you.

I.
Look at him
picking daisies

II.
Would you call him
less of a man
for loving flowers?

III.
His anatomy protects his manhood
While mine de-validates it.

I.
The dark scared me
so much last night

II.
That I didn't sleep
until I could hear
birds

I.
What a ******* disaster
If only I could scream in this house

II.
I want to cry
and thrash
and I want someone to hold me back
****

III.
I made a mess of your shirt
I'm sorry.
Thank you for the clothing
it makes me easier
in my skin
that is all wrong.

I.
I am
forgotten
by some

II.
And I am
learning
so slowly
to live with that

III.
It's so
hard
I hope you realize

IV.
And I'm not angry
you've done nothing with the intention
of hurting me

V.
Maybe I'm clinging to that
it's an honest mistake.

VI.
Maybe it's not.

VII.
But I don't blame you
in the least,
I guess.

I.
She is
gone

II.
She fell away
look what's left

III.
He is not beautiful
he is not adorable
he is not any of the words
that you called him a year ago

IV.
He is strong
alive
funny
handsome, maybe

V.
Those are words,
they probably don't seem like
much.

VI.
Not much,
but oh god,
when he hears them
they sound like heaven.

I.
And the panic attacks
they're getting worse
spiraling down

II.
It is okay to cry
but crying by myself
is terrifying
and I can't do it

III.
It's like
breaking a plate
when you know you are out of glue

I.
Every day like
a knife but not
for knives are defined
and days are
fluid

II.
Every minute
like an hour
but not,
for hours are long
and minute are sometimes
nothing but a blink

III.
Time is a fickle friend,
because no matter
how often
you go to see them
they keep mocking
never
constant.

I.
You keep
me
grounded
set
in stone

II.
You keep me
settled
on the
ground.

I.
In every
hello
I want to convey
that there is an
i love you.

I.
We are
built on laughter
how can I
mention
tears

II.
Even knowing
you're terrified
you need a hand
a hug
to hold

III.
I'm terrified
because
we are built on laughter

I.
Terrified
of the hours
between myself and tomorrow
terrified
of the time
I'll spend
tomorrow

II.
And when you say we don't need superheros.
This is precisely
what we need them for.

III.
Let me hang
onto your hand
lest I should
fall

I.
He fell for a woman called
Fate

II.
But his wing-man
was Coincidence.

I.
We need
heroes.

II.
I do not believe in
the kind of heroes
that I want to believe in,
that I want to be.

III.
I would like
to carry a shield
a sword
a gun
I would like to become a fighter
when I got angry
I would like to be
genetically messed with
to be strong and fast.

IV.
You know
every book you ever read
they say it's not the strength
it's the honest
love
good
morals.

V.
Where would those
be
without the force
behind them.

VI.
Make me into a superhero,
and then
I can be good
because I'll
have to be.

I.
I don't know you anymore
I don't know your friends
or your place.

II.
I missed
forgot
stopped saying hello when we passed
on the street.

III.
I heard
there was a man
and he was your father.

IV.
I heard his heart
gave up on him
only forty-eight
and gone in a flash.

V.
It's not beautiful,
and we're not heroes.

VI.
And now I regret leaving you
you must have others to turn to but
look what I've done.

VII.
It hurts for you in my chest,
It goes still for you in my mind.

VIII.
But you'll never
accept help from me
not now
because you don't know me
anymore.

I.
And her therapist said
A++ diagnosis
on my part when she told her
I'd done my own research.

II.
What had I said? I said
Trauma
Depression
Social anxiety
I don't want
my diagnosis to be correct

III.
Please
tell me something good
can come of this

IV.
Tell me
you can fix her
because I can't fix a thing
and it's the worst
thing I've ever done
to watch her
fall apart

I.
You wanted to assume
and you still do
you say
that because I can't
live the way
you want me to
I'm wrong.

II.
It is
impossible,
I would
die
I hope you
understand.

III.
Compared me to
a ******
a thief
a torturer
simply because
I couldn't eat how you wished.

IV.
It's ridiculous
how you
go about things.
Assumptions
Assumptions
Assumptions
And where did that ever get you?
Except a handful of
broken bones.

I.
Of all the pieces I want to be
I never dream of being
the whole puzzle.

II.
Is that
wrong?

I.
All the way from Spain,
the best letter I've ever been written.

II.
I am
amazed
by the sudden spilling of things.

III.
I want
to travel the world
with anyone who
will come.

IV.
I want
to live.

I.
If only
she could love the body she's in
as much as
I do.

I.
I lost
the painting
in the paint.

II.
All over
my canvas
were supposed to be
splatters that made
a
scene.

III.
Look now what I have.
Neither a scene,
not anything else.

IV.
Merely
a set
of splatters.

I.
We were
like ships that pass
in literature.

II.
You and I
we danced
for three years
that felt like a night.

III.
I never loved you,
because I
never loved a man.

IV.
My one regret
in being
who I am today
is I can't be who I am
and still be friends
with you.

V.
Slept light
listened to
that singer
bet you didn't know he was
gay.

VI.
Bet you didn't
know I was
either.

VII.
Remember when
it was flirting
and lies from both ends
but we were so happy
because we knew
what was lies
and what was truth?

VIII.
You
wouldn't
remember
would
you.

IX.
Talk to me about
school.
Not there
for copying the math
am I?
Is that
hard
for
you?

X.
Do you
miss me?

I.
To look at me
you'd think
I was a model.

II.
How many times
has a girl
said "I'm
jealous of your perfect waist
your hips
the way your ribs all show."

III.
Don't be jealous,
be thankful
it's not you.

IV.
I am
beautiful
in the right
that I am sick.

V.
I have no
weight on my bones
because my stomach
cannot make it stick.

VI.
Don't wish you
were like me.
As much as you want my shape
you do not want
my body.

I.
She thrashes
against the sides of her
stomach
arms
legs.

II.
She is as beautiful as
the night
the day
the dawn
the sun
and moon
all in one
and yet
she hides away.

I.
Look at
them all

II.
I knew them
as children
we were all in the woods
I thought
they are so much more then I
am

III.
I figured
they would always be
so important
so much

IV.
And they are
but they
are no longer happy

V.
I wanted to see them
in six years
I wanted to see how happy they would be

VI.
Six years
and look
lungs full of smoke
wrists covered in scars

VII.
I'm
worried
about
you.

I.
It is beginning
to be whispered now.

II.
"She's sick,"
and indeed
they're right.

III.
Spilling it
like spilled coffee
the world's most used
psychoactive
they all scatter in awkward
worry
for safety of someone
they care nothing for.

IV.
Do they really believe
that I am
a different human being
then I have been for two years
now you know I'm sick

V.
Because I am ill
because I cannot eat sometimes
and others cannot stop
because my body cannot get enough food
it doesn't know how to process half the things
I put in.

VI.
Because I am ill
because I cannot sleep sometimes
and others cannot stop
because my body cannot get enough rest
it doesn't know how to shut off the thoughts
and sink.

VII.
I get asked
"Do you have an eating disorder?"
because I am so skinny
there is nothing to me
I am not more then
Ninety-eight pounds on a good day
I have never been
one hundred.

VIII.
No.
I do not
have an eating disorder.

I.
You are as though
the night had seeped into a bag
and someone had sealed it off.

II.
You are a trap -
you are trapped.
Your mother closed up the doors to
opportunity
and shut you down
and you told me
"It was better
when she
drank."

III.
You do not want
to be anything anymore
except for
to be
away from
home.

IV.
Drive them away with a sword
built of words.

V.
If only they listened
you would.

I.
It's been
raining

II.
For someone
with so many painful muscles
painful bones

III.
I know it's
too cold outside for me

IV.
Where does a butterfly go when it snows?
If I were the butterfly
would my wings be broken?

V.
Keep quiet
little love

VI.
Am I
anything more then the trees
am I anything less
they take the rain and grow
and I shatter
at the slightest touch

VII.
A butterflies wings
are ruined
and though she sips the water from the stream
she is nothing
in the rain

I.
The three of them
they were all laughter

II.
There were two
one was me
another was her
and the third
the third was him

III.
As if no one loved her
as if no one was crazy about her
as if no one thought she was beautiful

IV.
As if he wasn't important
as if his life had no meaning
as if his life didn't have any reasoning

V.
As if
as if I'd keep them forever
couldn't have both
didn't seem allowed, did it.

I.
There is
A speck of dust on her lashes
How enchanted and delighted
I imagine it must be

II.
There are
Emotions tearing her up inside
How guilt ridden and unsure they must be
To have hurt something
Like the dawn of springtime

III.
Were she
To sit beside a flower
I am sure it would melt in shame
For never having been beautiful

IV.
Tackled countless times
Tricked by her own mind
She is more likely to believe
In a world where she is afraid
Then one where she can stand

V.
A slippery *****
She is
But one that catches you
At the bottom