.

She said it to me again today,

and every time I hear it

it feels just as wonderful as the first time

when I hoped it wouldn’t be

the last time

.

Left alone, the abyss of failure
closes in,
for days it seems like weeks,
though months are now reduced to counted minutes

Coffin’d stances form the stoic barricade
which surrounds my hope
in picket lines of untrained defectors

I claw at its lid,
thrashing mightily to my sides
as collections of miseries
flood this chamber of my coerced sleep

“I am here!” I shout,
hearing my words
echo in distance dance halls
two stepping on my memory,
spitting above where I lie

Here - a relevant term
as columns of disbelief carve themselves
from my mind.

Forgotten, left for dead,
erased from the blackboard
by the firm swishing hand of fate…
reduced to dust (I don’t feel like dust)

Blisters climb my arms in search of answers,
none can be found here,
where ever the hell here is… yet, I am here

My brain circles the skyline in desperation,
the gutters below cry, trash strewn as if it were me
sleeping off my drunk
in that Frigidaire box

“I am me!” I cry to the empty corridors of someone else’s life
One I’d rather be
Or one who would rather not?

…….

Someday my file may lie open,
atop a desk,
a partitioned sanctuary of hidden ethics,
beneath the crumpled Cheeto’s bag,
now layered with stale orange crumbs

maybe someone will see

maybe someone will wonder

or maybe still forgotten

.

Nothing more than a pretty smile

There she was chasing a rabbit
with 1 am coffeecakes and weak tea
She didn’t notice I was watching
from the branches of an olive tree
A lone smile hidden amongst
swirling smoke rings in a foreign accent

To the gazebo she ran
with its straw grass tables
and pleated cushions in hibiscus
print fabric no one would sit on

My eyes followed her as she
darted around manicured boxwoods
and cherub statues spitting water
onto sleeping lily pads,
following the same schedule
as the other…identical

She came upon a dandelion
and asked politely, “Pardon me,
but have you seen a…”
The **** interrupted,
“Didn’t…don’t do drama dreams
dancing deliriously down
donut distracted ditches”
“That’s dumb” she replied
with a giggle and a snort

This must be her fun, I think,
trying to catch a white ball of fur,
big, then small,
then smaller still like a
thimble seeking a thread,
when now she is stopped
in her ziggy zagging tracks
by a June bug singing,

“I see, I see, in front of me
Dessert, dessert, set out for free
A chocolate pie, a chocolate pie
in menus written on the sky”

Perplexed she climbed upon its back
and flew, holding onto
red leather shoulder pads
with black dots changing shapes,
ducking winged arches that
covered the vestibule they
soared through when a sharp turn
pitched her to the opposite side…

Landing with a thud,
her new dress now soiled
between the wrinkles in time
that had ticked away
on a clock faced sun named Ray

She cried carrot tears,
orange sherbet streams
on peach tone cheeks,
marmalade miseries
and mango miscues
piddling on her patent leather shoes,
ready to give up

When it appeared, hopping happily
Jumping into her lap
and licking her face
She caressed its fur, removing
sticker burs and scratching
just the right spot, as its right rear leg
thumped with joy

Then lifting the bundled bunny
to her face, she kissed it tenderly
with wild cherry gloss lips,
or should I say…kissed me
for you see, all along, it was me

And you thought I was nothing more than a pretty smile…..

clandestine calculations on ticker tape streamers
add to up to nothing in the vast scheme of time and space

when words fall from trees like levees breaking,

**** it

girl scouts to the rescue, if cookies can float
lined with sand bag intentions while rising waters
recede faster than the hairline of the mayor pro tem
collecting donations as his sister jumps rope
tied to the anchor of his city washing down the street

cleaning the gunk and glitz from gutter spammers
stealing passwords and paper boats
from unsuspecting children taking the day off from school
because the rains came and lemon trees no longer leaked
when anyone was looking,

ah lemon trees,

very pretty

.

Standing alone in a room filled with sadness
Photograph smiles in a frame on the shelf
Ashtrays are filled with a death wish still breathing
Lighting another in spite of myself

A hand full of pills and a glass of Jack Daniels
And old black and white, I think Lauren Bacall
Through heavy eyes, I am still thinking of you
Only the floor there to meet as I fall

When on the door comes a knock unexpected
Shattering plans that I must put on hold
Closing one eye as I look through the peep hole
A shadowy figure is there in the cold

Twisting the lock and then turning the handle
Chilled is the blast that runs into my face
There I find death with his sickle untarnished
Needless to say my sad heart starts to race

“What are you doing, you can’t be that stupid
It’s not your time for this world to depart
Just for some girl who has left you here crying
Wanting to die for a **** broken heart”

I stopped and I thought and I heard this thing speaking
Then shoved my finger inside of its chest
“I’ll do as I please you know not what you’re saying
It’s time to go and I think it is best”

“God what a loser, oh wait, I meant Satan
Fine, suit yourself, we’ve a place you can lie
Swallow those pills but I’ll take that Jack Daniels
I will get thirsty while watching you die”

I thought of her and what I would be leaving
How much it hurt she had found someone new
Then of my heart that was shattered in pieces
The sound of her voice when she shouted, “we’re through”

That she is happy with somebody else
How every scar of my life has now bled
Why would I want to give her satisfaction
Knowing she’d smile if she heard I was dead

Then like a bolt or a light bulb exploding
Came a decision as clear as a bell
I’ll stick around in this room filled with sadness
It’s definitely worse than that place he calls hell

“Violins are for sissies” she said
“I play violin” I answered
“I like sissies” she replied

.

Look at you cowering, haunted by fiction
Shapes at the window of menacing tone
Tearing your hope into shreds as you lie there
Gazing at ceilings and feeling alone

Afraid to put both of your feet on the carpet
Hands neath the bed will be slicing your skin
Each tiny noise a volcanic eruption
Stalking your mind, it’s about to begin

Puddles of stench line the gutters of nowhere
Terror the class that has taken a seat
Staring at clocks on the faces of buildings
Waiting for dark so their bellies may feast

Appetites strung on a line made of nightmares
Low in the middle from gathering weight
Clouds overhead cast a blanket of secrets
Hiding the moon in its delicate state

Claws on the ground carry wings carved of leather
Eyes crimson red dripping stares at the door
Paint if you like for an X tells them nothing
Only when feeding they’ll even the score

Shadows on avenues lurk past the railings
Low tenor moaning their late evening song
Hide in the corners, but still they will find you
Cry if you must for it won’t be too long

Peer from the covers, your fears they are waiting
Calling your name in an echoed refrain
Lapping reflections from water so stagnant
Remnants of filth tossed about in the rain

Know this my friend, in a term used defiant
Answers aren’t penned in some book on a shelf
No fancy title with gold colored letters
All that you need can be found in yourself

Break free these chains that are holding you tightly
Open your eyes, there is so much to see
Breathe in the air for the sun it is shining
Shake off the rust and be all you can be

Always there’ll be someone bending the darkness
Pulling and dragging each star from the sky
Show them your wings spun of pride woven fabric
Give them a smile it is your turn to fly

You can beat anything you set your mind to
No matter what someone else has to say
Hold your head high, watch the monsters now fleeing
This is your time and today is your day

.

He sat across the table behind a crystal ball,
wearing a weird hat that looked like the roof
of the Taj Mahal, dark rhinestone encrusted glasses
and a colorful suit straight off of the
Sgt. Pepper album cover
The patchouli incense was a nice touch but
not necessary, at least for me

“What do you see in my future?” I asked
He thought for a moment
then hummed some strange melody,
(I think it was a Taylor Swift song)
before saying, “I can not see your future,
I can only see what will happen ahead.
Your future is behind you now,
it is out of my hands.”

“I don’t understand?” I questioned
thinking to myself I have definitely
been ripped off this time, twenty bucks
down the drain
“How could you let her go?” he queried
staring intently into the glass orb
“She was your future, your everything.
She made you what you were,
brought out the best in you
and you let her go, you gave up your future.”

That hurt…it hit me hard as I felt
tears well up in my eyes at the thought of her,
of us and then my sadness became anger
as I shouted at him, “What gives you the right
to say these things to me?”
With that he removed his hat and glasses
and I felt a wave of anxiety grip me.
“Because I am you,” he said staring at me now
and not that ****** ball

A lump the size of Everest grew in my throat,
it was me, he was me
as I nervously asked, “Is there any hope for happiness
in what will happen ahead then?”
Staring at myself I waited for the answer
which I already knew…then we spoke in unison,
“No, there is not.”

.

Her smile is always first to me

but it is at the end
of these long, lonely days

when dark clouds
invade her world and her
heart hurts that I think

making her happy is the

last thing I should do

-
**Sinking slow the mire
Of touted soldier’s stare
Blindfolded, seeing inside
Stood straight of knotted shame
Condors perched waiting
My last cigarette damp
Lips nicotine cracked
Useless circumstances cry
Unforced tears fall
Guns raised and aimed
Bayonets point a finger
Discharged of itchy indexes

Ripping antique flesh
Puncturing vital statistics
Sorrow in tattooed blood stains
My dense skull explodes
Shards of bone fly
Dotting soiled landscape
In a mosaic of lost dreams
Shattered with one foul mouth
Loose like the cannons
Flanking the homeland
As I consume the sludge
Of final foolishness

.

*O’ crooked branch and magpie’s claw,
yon rusted chains a’ sway this night
Clutch tight a sign “The Seagull's Squall”
of splintered wood and storm clouds fight
Old tavern lone this craggy shore
where angered waves accost the sand
and drenching rains from heavens pour,
whilst thunder boasts its loud command

On creaking stools with painted legs
'long the bar, a gathered crew
Expected flow from aging kegs
a frothy crown this lagered brew
Fills tankards held of one now gone
'midst pewter death in golden ale
In drunk'n stupor sorrows shown
lost at sea, his soul last sailed

Watching cloaked of shadowed mist
in darkened corner, lingered smoke
O’er long goodbyes on echoes twist
and couraged voices soundly spoke
Weaving tales a' journeys past,
voyages beyond the deep
Ports o’ call and forth day cast,
of treasures that abound to reap  

When one, a glass above his head
beckons silence, moments slow
Respect, our mate now swallow'd dead,
entombed within the depths below
Then hearty cheers and farewell speak,
this touching scene if one would be
A ghostly tear now falls my cheek,
this fallen mate they cheer is me

.
Cantilever tombstones
Gathered in a row
Broken bits of someone else’s deed

Weeds are overgrown
Thorns about the snow
Endless come the struggles as you bleed

Ravens are amassing
High above the trees
Searching for remaining shards of bone

Circling intruders
Cutting through the breeze
Waiting as your sins you now atone

Thicket mangled wings
Fractured fighting fear
Carving sad initials on your skin

Thunder clouds approach
Storms to gather near
Drenching darkened sorrows now begin

Iron barred protrusions
Block the jagged way
Keeping you from exiting this place

Fall upon your knees
This your ending day
Every thought of you to soon erase

Fade into the gravel
Claw this frozen earth
Quickly 'fore a morning sun does crest

Bid a found farewell
Far beyond your birth
Time has come to take your final rest

=

Chaliced of dreams in a drunken condition
Staggering phrases now leak from my pen
Courage is spilt from a bottled delusion
One hundred proof as all time does suspend

Kissing the floor in a faceless direction
Slurring each word that does tumble my page
Combing the gray, forceful discrimination
Cursing a mirror that challenges age

Lips painted fire, poetic her features
Low cut and staring, a phrase slips my tongue
Desired conclusions in walk away stanzas
Pour me another, the night is still young

.

*I opened the rusted iron gateway
bound in chain and wire, to find a landing
caked in muddied footprints, scattered about like roaches
Magpie shadows course the rain soaked streets
and puddle patterns reflect temptation as light flickers
from second floor moan filled parlors, painted nails scratching

Navigating the fog entrenched alley, garbage bins fallen
create a maze of skinned shins and bloodied lips
when I come to an arched opening, only hinges remain
The staircase up is dark, creaking under my weight
I count the holes collected in plaster walls yawning,
prior frustrations showing no mercy

The stench of tar and factory waste wallows,
catching me stumbling through the opening to the roof,
gasping in the ever thinning air
Dark clouds retaliate for earlier lost days
when stale bread pudding was a treat
served to those of less fortunate standing

What life is this to lead anyway, empty pockets
and hand me down promises, watching shadows below
taking chances and knocking up opportunities
Red door, black door, be careful which you choose,
for one color leads to the lower city,
the underground where ***** flows like crazed sewage

The other holds within ****** fantasies
and red lipstick smudges,
but beware when jiggling those tarnished handles
with your best foolish grin,
the cost is what you can't afford to lose

Swine roam the busy square freely,
splurging on last night’s tossed garbage,
grunting approval in an off key symphony
of stringless digestion, slobering regurgitation
beyond the blinded eyes of the others
lost indefinitely within themselves

Street lamps spit hot oil through fractured glass
dripping onto the formal evening wear
and diamond brooches worn by the elite,
making their way to the opera house where marble steps
are lined with evergreen topiaries
losing needles to the addicts of the night

A carriage passes, glazed eyes peer from lace curtains,
hidden hands roam freely the velvet seats and occupants,
as painted wheels follow ruts in the worn cobblestone
Smoke spews from stained brick chimneys and cracking mortar
discoloring the moon and choking stars
with a filth to be reckoned with

I sit on this rooftop alone, looking down,
scarred legs dangling over the edge four flights up,
wondering if anyone would care if I jumped
When startled by a noise behind me, footsteps perhaps
I turn to see the beautiful silhouette of a woman, flowing hair,
hand extended, "I would," she whispers...

.

Tweezers work magic,
it doesn’t hurt near what was expected
as the irritant is finally removed
from below the skin

It’s not a void, just a space,
quickly forgotten
soon to be just an illusion,
a rapidly fading echo

Silenced in grey tones
painted on chipped concrete
over dripping graffiti
unreadable at best

Finding sidewalks go both ways,
coming and going
so as not to miss the signs
for merchandise return

Where crowds gather
with department store bags in hand
hoping for a free sample
of the latest kool-aid flavor

While soapbox speakers
boast of past achievements,
wearing armor suits
proven to be defective

Complaining as doorways are boarded up
with rough edged 3/4" plywood,
secured with drywall screws
from the inside

And the world spins,
the sun sets and rises,
because in the end it is just another day,
with one less splinter

'

Looking back
on pre-written lines,
folded paper in busy drawers,
laughing at the contents,
thinking of the past
when words came
from someplace else
and meanings felt deeper
than those in this
empty notebook of
spiral bound remnants
stuck in circular hell
staring at me from my desk,
pleading for a friendly pen
to decorate its remaining pages
in something other than
disappearing memories

.

*I said some words
as we stood in the garden
Opened my mouth
while the soil was prepared
Asked something stupid
when new seeds were planted
Knew it was wrong
neath the arbor we shared
Causing her pain
by the daisies now blooming
Hurting a friend
as the daffodils cried
Watched as she left
through the garden gate slamming
Fell to the ground
saw the flowers had died

.

You and me were always with each other
Before we knew the other was ever there

Destiny carves its path through lives,
filling needs unknown until it happens
Bridging gaps of empty terrain
where love is sensed, felt
on dark days like eyes watching,
as our hearts wait for that one
planned to accompany us on the journey

You and me we belong together
Just like a breath needs the air

So many comparisons play,
moving pieces to spaces, uncovered
Sliding down chutes, climbing ladders,
believing that something waits, something good
Inspired to keep going, following the lines
drawn in tingles on skin,
need becomes clear as we are found,
where we always belonged

I told you if you called I would come runnin’
Across the highs the lows the in betweens

You’ve taken my hand and showed me
things are not always as they seem
Until you find them in your shadow,
lifting you when you fall, gently,
caressing your soul in unexplained notions,
safety and comfort with merely the touch
of caring fingers, wrapping arms, a voice

You and me we’ve got two minds that think as one
And our hearts march to the same beat

Your eyes, my eyes, we see identical patterns,
curving about skylines in high rise tempos
As we walk together, one step after the other,
but two steps towards the other, always for the other,
in whatever direction they choose,
syncopated movements hand in hand

They say everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person

These scars of past seasons, cold winds blow
across arid deserts of details and misgivings
Cloaked in love’s blanket, blind spots
accepted beyond yesterdays, erased by tomorrows
Put away in box with a lock, no key is available
not that it is wanted anyway

Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you’re riding through the dark

This light that leads from your smile,
your understanding, your acceptance
reflected back as a mirrored image
Enhancing the beam of this forever feeling,
strolling down avenues of pleasure for
happiness is always a two way street,
northbound, southbound, together

*Oh that’s you and me…

.

We don’t look like they do,
graphic replicas of a life in tatters,
drifting on lonesome clouds
Dove’s wing spread
capturing the wind,
waving goodbye to an existence
that dreams in black and white,
fashioning commercials
like chip and salsa dispensers

Camouflaged by sadness,
greens and browns woven in corduroy overalls
Contemplating the loss
before the beginning creates a title
and words have only meaning
for other who chose to read
and believe that each day
is a jewel in the crown of the month

Floating on seas of discontent
even though heart shaped sails
reflect on horizons
much closer than they appear
but still so far away
that silhouettes resemble unmentionables
as others keep a watchful eye
for anything that even seems
like a tide fueled rumor,
just because they can

Still, we don’t look like they do,
maybe because our visions come through
a brilliant sunrise and we realize
we do need somebody
and we won’t hesitate to cherish,
quietly of course,
those who come to touch us
in the wake of our dreams,
hiding in plain sight,
disguised as no one
in particular

.

The morning sky is dark
as I stand in the shadows waiting
on an empty Tuesday disguised as a Monday
Hoping for a happy welcome but finding silent
rejections in unwritten emotions left
elsewhere for those who remember
what it’s like to smile within the
playful intentions shared,
and a frown is all I am left to wear

All I wanted to do was love you and
feel like I was someone you cared about,
not a brittle twig lying underfoot
waiting to be stepped on
as you run to the others
who beckon your heart,
make you feel special,
give to you those things that you need,
unlike what I bring, embarrassment
wrapped in a frilly bow

Still I am here writing to you,
hoping my words, my verses are read,
so you understand how I feel,
all the while knowing full well
I don’t meet up to those who . . .
those who satisfy your needs,
those you can't wait to be with,
those who make you happy,
those who overshadow my sunshine
in a place that is much brighter,
a place where you thrive,
a place that you love,
a place I am not

.

"So quiet that I might hear my own heart beat if it weren't broken"

Your silence wraps me like a worn blanket,
thin and frayed, providing no warmth,
no protection from the cold that invades
my every pore as I sit here
shivering with fear, questioning every
shadow moving outside of the window,
lurking, as if sneering
at this emptiness drenching my soul
with worry and doubt

Lost inside these four walls,
stained and patterned of past dreams,
folding within the plaster nightmares
and faded rectangles where
pictures of us once hung,
smiling faces, memories
I miss those times, our times,
God I miss you

My eyes wet, red and swollen,
nervously seeking any minute reassurance,
even the faintest of whispers
that you somehow still care
And as I listen, counting dust particles
in the muted sunlight,
cowering in this corner,
hearing only silence
echoing in the empty chambers
of my broken heart