Take a gun to my head, blow it all away.
I don’t want to see your faces.
It’s too painful to remember you, it’s too painful to remember the memories.
If you’re going to haunt my life at least do it during the day, night is my only break but lately you haven’t let me sleep.
My eyes are open; my body is moving through the motions but I’m not really here. I’m somewhere far away in a beautiful world that I can't escape to often.

Knifes **** me, I’m bleeding I’m going to die.
I think of everything that has happened in my life. I had a picture in my head of how my life was going to be, how I wanted my life to be. But it’s over everything is over.
I lye still thinking.
  I’m thinking of my mother and how I wish I had made things ok with her. I’m thinking of my grandmother she is like my mom; I love her so much.
I always thought she would die first I was wrong.
I’m thinking of all the books I’ll never get to read now.
I’m thinking of my baby cousins who will grow up not knowing me.
Oh God please help me! I made a mistake.
I love you dad, I’m sorry. I slowly close my eyes knowing it’s over.
The pain is over, the yelling, the fighting is all over.
But it’s really not all over I open my eyes and see a white room with a T.V. on the wall and a cross above the doorway. It’s a hospital, did someone find me?

You’re killing me slowly. Can’t you see that I’m in pain?
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I cry when no one can hear me. I don’t smile anymore. I feel so sad at times I want to die.
Every day is another battle I have to fight!
I can’t love anyone or trust people because of you. Why did you leave? Why did you reject me I was just a baby when you gave me up? What did I do? Was I not good enough for you?
Even when I was older you rejected me again. But I want to see you.
  I love you. Please don’t go again. I need you. Don’t leave me alone.  Because I don’t know if I can keep fighting alone.

The sun is peeking through the fog; I’m sitting on the bench it’s for 4am or maybe 4 30 I’m not exactly sure. I hear the birds; the wind is blowing slightly on my face. I have some coffee; I wish I had tea though but it reminds me of you. I have so many things on my mind part of the reason I woke up at 4 I’m sure it was 4 this time. I have been sitting and thinking for hours. My coffee is cold now, the sun came out from the fog the wind is still blowing but a little more now. I should go inside and socialize but I’m tired so I’ll just keep sitting until I feel fine again.

I can’t subject you to my horrors, I can’t do it anymore.
It’s a new day but everything is the same except for the sky.
I’m tired of living each day and have nothing change, but I’ll look back a year later and realize everything really has changed.
Why do the bad things have to stay and keep torturing my sleep, my life and my brain it’s killing me.

What are you going to say at my funeral now that I have died?
Here lays the body of a girl, a friend, a person who had dreams. A person who wanted to do many things.
She is no was beautiful, she never thought she was beautiful. She was insecure and unhappy, she was serious and depressed.
She didn’t like her body, the way the fat held on and never let go. She hated the way she smiled when everyone else complimented her on it.
Here lays the girl that never got a chance to live she was only 15 years old. Her 16th birthday was in November, but she felt that she had been here too long.
Here lays the girl who will never read another book or ever get married. She will never have kids; she will never be able to make the same mistakes her parents did.
She is dead and it’s all over, the pain, sadness, and depression. Her demons will no longer torment her.

you're in my veins,
and I just want
you
out.
it's my fault,
you begged for me back,
I said no
every time.
but sometimes,
I still have to remind myself why
I can't text you
and tell you I still miss you.
I still see you in my dreams.
I can't listen to your favorite band or wear your t-shirts anymore.
at 1 in the morning sometimes I cry
and I'm blaming you.