F
A
T

A three letter word.

However "fat" is more than just a word.

Fat is a label.

A label that is filled with so much hatred and disgust.

A label that has so graciously been bestowed upon me.

A label that I am stuck with and carry around like a disease.

It's a label that has defined me for years and still does to this day.

Fat.

I'm the fat friend that people avoid.

I'm the fat kid that gets picked last for things.

I'm the fat friend that people are embarrassed to be around.

I'm the fat kid that will never be good enough.

I'm that fat kid.

And nothing is going to change this title that has been placed upon
my head like a crown of thorns.

Nothing.

Not even:
Starving,
Exercising,
Purging,
Restricting.

Nothing.

And this label has tainted my image like the black paint that touches the surface of water and spreads like a virus.

I am no longer more.

I have been stripped of all other labels.

I am that fat kid.

F
A
T

Fat.

I open the pages of my own skin and let the words that I have kept secret drip into the sink.

You deserve someone better than me. But no one wants you as badly as I do.

I always want you to be happy.
But it hurts to know that you're happy without me.

"Why are you still stuck on her?"
"Why can't you move on?"

Because . . . if I don't have her, what do I have?

I looked at her and she looked at me. She didn't have to say a word because in her eyes I found the answer. She didn't want me anymore.

There's nothing worse than being stranded in the vast ocean of possibilities and unknowns of what life could've been like.

Just sitting there with nothing.

No hope... no comfort in sight.

Only the endless and unforgiving horizon of regret.

Being stranded as long as I have leads to overthinking and unrealistic dreaming.

And now I'm drowning in these thoughts and dreams of what my life could've been.

What life would've been like if I had decided to get up and dance, if I had not let myself get in the way, if I had gone to see you more often, if I would've told you how I felt.

These thoughts are killing me.

Pulling me under the rough currents and ripping the breath straight out of my lungs.

I'm dying to know what would've happened if I was brave and not engulfed in my anxiety.

But now all I can do is brace for the next wave of despair and regret and hope it doesn't take me with it.

Hunger scares me.

I am scared of the comfort it gives me.

I am scared of the pride I feel each time my stomach rumbles.

I am scared of the success that I feel when I don't eat.

But most of all, I am scared of how ok I am with this hunger.

The day I met you I knew you were going to be special.
When I met you I knew I had just met the best friend of my life.
When I met you I knew things were going to be different.
I knew that one day I would start to fall for you.
And I knew that I would try to fight these feelings in an attempt to save our friendship.
But here I am.
Falling for you anyways.
I knew it would hurt.
Because when you fall you always hit something.
But I did it anyway.
And here we are, worse off then when we started.
All because I decided to speak up.

I fell.
And I hit the hard surface of reality.
I mean what was I thinking.
I was never good enough for you.
I'm still not good enough for you.
Now here I am.
The remains of my shattered ego spread out all over this cold, cold concrete floor of reality.
I'm at the bottom.

I knew I would be here after what I had done.
I knew that this would be the price I would pay for feeling.
And I knew that I would wish I had kept my mouth shut.
And I was right.

She is a little all over the place, that's for sure. But the good news is that when she loves, she loves big. And when she loves you, you know she loves you.

But that was my problem because she fell in love with you and not me.

Why is it that you moved on so easily?
Why can't I?
It's not fair.

Why is it that he gets to be happy with you?
Why can't I?
It's not fair.

Why is it that you get my friends?
Why can't I have them?
It's not fair.

Why is it that you picked on me?
Why couldn't you just leave people alone?
It's not fair.

Why is it that I'm so ******* lonely?
Why can't I just have one person?
It's not fair.

Life isn't fair.

"They never knew what they had until they lose it."

But what if I did?
What if I knew exactly what I had?

I tried so hard to hold onto it because I could never find something like that ever again.
I wanted it to last.
But I guess it was never up to me.

Isn't that worse?

Knowing what you had and it leaving anyways, despite your best efforts.
Knowing that you weren't enough to make it want to stay?

Isn't that what heartbreak is?

What more can I do?
I've given you all of me.
What more could you want?

I fell for you.
I fell hard.
I did my best not to because
I'm not the one who deserves someone like you.
It ***** because I didn't want to ruin what
we already had.
And I knew you wouldn't feel the same.
But I couldn't help it.
I'm so sorry.

I'm a slave to this heartache.
You've got me shackled up in chains.
Every time you speak I praise it like it was the voice of God and I trail in your steps.
Like a dog being pulled on a leash.

I know that I won't be able to keep this up much longer.
I can't stay chained to you forever despite how much I wish I could.

Because it's not healthy.
I can't keep running back to you just because you're lonely.
I can't keep comforting you when you're upset.
You'd never do the same for me.

I can't keep being your last choice when you're my first.
So I must release myself from your grasp and run.

Not because I don't love you, but because you don't love me.

There's a cloud over my brain.
The haze keeps sadness from causing a storm.
But this fog blocks out my ability to feel happiness and to enjoy the sun.
The overcast makes it so I don't feel anything.
I wish the weatherman would say it'd storm one day so that maybe I could see the sun again.

I hope you ache when our song comes on.
I hope you're tortured by the memories we made together.
I hope you hurt when you see things that remind you of me.
I hope that you feel the same pain as I do.

I'm over this **** game we call life.

I can't win.

I'm never good enough.

I'm done trying.

I quit.

I wish I could get out of my head and into others' so that way I could see myself from their perspective.

Then I'd know if my life is worth it or not.

Do I pick the rose? Do I pick the wildflower? Do I pick the daisy? How do I pick when the garden is full of beautiful flowers?

Tightly closed eyes spark imagination
Finding some place that is safe
Safe from broken glass and shattered hearts
A place that is not so fragile

Trembling hands go numb
They search for something familiar
Hoping to stumble upon comfort
Something to give them feeling

Holding back venomous secrets
My lips settle on a familiar friend
Inviting a new poison to drown my secrets
Praying it will work this time

I'm so sorry that my best isn't enough.
I'm so sorry that I disappointed again.
I'm so sorry I let everyone down again.

"You deserve the world man. And I am not the world."

You were my world.

Our friendship died and has been buried. But I come back to the grave to reminisce on the good days we used to share when I'm feeling low.

We get high to float out of the lows that we feel inside.

Even though we're done, my heart still goes "!" when I think of you.

Cover up the pain.
Help calm my brain.
So my thoughts slow.
No one can know.
My sadness has been slain.

Can anyone stick around unlike everyone before
Is this too much to ask for
Or is it bound for me to be a chore
Do I make people's hearts too sore
Or do they just get bored

I don't wear long sleeves. I'm not afraid of the judgment. I'm not a bad person for that ways that I've tried to **** my sadness.