there are no stars in the sky
but there you are smiling,
bright enough to outshine even the sun.
a plane flies overhead
not quite a shooting star
but i make a wish anyway

at the end of the night
i find myself
once again
alone
because of course i am
alone
when have i ever been anything
other
when will i finally stop being so
lonely

I thought i could count on somebody
to hold me up as i fall
to hold me together as i crumble.
but here i stand
alone again
and tired
of myself.
and the sun now shines
through the cracks in my mind.
iwant to be warm
but im always cold
and i feel myself turning to stone.
and cold metal fills my lungs.
and im choking on shards of glass.
im biting my nails, and spitting out dirt.

when i die
bury me with my baby teeth
so the little girl i used to be
knows she was loved
and remembered
dont let her be forgotten

all this love inside me and still i am
lonely
but not like i used to be.
it doesnt ache the same way.
im not weighed down by this impenetrable grief,
rather it is something that i carry with me.
a brooch of misery pinned to my lapel
this sadness, is so delicate
like a flower, watered with my own tears.
when people say it gets better,
is this what they mean?
do they mean that the depression never goes away
but becomes a quiet hum in the back of your mind, forever playing its solemn tune?

falling back to bad habits
to keep me comfort in these days that are too inconsistent for my liking.
i feel the pangs of hunger and i think there is something inside of me.
a monstrous something
a glutton.
i beg and i plead and i shout into the void
"this is not me"
but at the end of the day, when night begins its shift into morning
i find myself eating something.
i dont know what it is.
i look in the mirror and am unsure of who i am looking at.
who is that person with the blood dripping down their mouth?
their face twists and contorts again. it looks familiar, but it has no name.
their smile is like a gaping wound and their eyes are so dark they appear black.
the hunger rolls through me again and it aches in quick flashes of blinding pain.
i stand up and i cannot see.
i am shrouded in darkness and i witness the world get reconstructed in my view.
i cant remember what i was thinking.
i felt it coming though. unable to stop this invisible force brought on by restriction that i know will eventually lead to a binge.
my stomach hurts.
i do not get food.
im breaking out again.
i spent so much money on skincare that i dont even know will work.
will i ever find control?
consistency?

i am a creature of rage and love
of blinding light, a thousand suns
burning away at night.
the line between desire and anger
is a blurry one
at times i feel split in two
with hatred for the world, for the cruelty of man
and with joy for nature, for a fleeting existence
i love in the way that i hate, with all of me
a fiery passion threatening to take me down with it
i love and i hate like i breathe, erratic and intentional
within me are billions of embers, anything around me caught within the crossfire.
i will burn to ash before my love turns cruel
blurred as the line may be
some days i am disgusted with my rage, my hate
the cruelty that grows within me, never dying down.
there is no part of me that is dormant other than an ability to regulate how i feel.
i am aflame at all times or i am empty save for bits of ash clinging to my gums, dusting my eyelashes.
the wind stirs up another flame from the embers
and the cycle repeats itself.