My words are no longer poetic
If they ever were at all
Now they're just a stream of me screaming my feelings
Or rather
Speaking them in a calm manner
Even if it's a thousand pleas
They will still be repeated with the same tone
I wish I could be more of a wordsmith
But all I can do is blatantly state how much I miss you
How empty it feels with you gone
How repulsed i am by the others touch
How terrified I am of losing more people
How shapeless all of my words are anymore
When did the words become a dependency rather than an art form

Walking
In the middle of an empty road
Its quiet
The air tastes like fire and those weird flavored candy canes
Maybe a tootsie pop
laundry soap
All at the same time

Youd never get it
How intense all of it felt
The feeling of one I didnt want pressed against my back with arms wrapped around me
The relief i felt when an old friend came to talk and gave me room to breathe
However I was still locked in place
Unable to refuse a sloppy meeting of lips
The horrible longing for someone speeding right by you
Knowing him
The desire was always there before
Like a spark
That grew into flames when I saw him
That exploded into a raging forest fire last night
Trying to figure out the expression on his face
Concentration?
Sadness?
What?
I could never figure him out
I also heard bad things last night
I didnt know what to make of them
Had I been lied to?
Trying to figure it out
Listening
But I cant
Blaring speakers and noisemakers
Combined with a desperate grab for my attention
Arms like chains around my body
A plea not to listen
Not to look
Dont tell me what to do
I'm not yours
Can you people stop assuming that?
I told him I didnt like kissing you
I didnt like any of it
I thought thatd make him feel better
But it only felt as if he was running away
Why run away
And text me as soon as he arrived home
Apologizing again
It's all so intense
I might cry again
I miss him
I dont want to
I dont want anything

Its not about making the content anymore
Its about me
I always make it about me
But making people feel better
Or having someone relate
Even just getting them to think a little bit
That's always a plus
It helps me remember that there are other things in this world than the things I write about
It takes me out of my glorified teen drama
Brings me back to earth when I am left alone and dont have that person to tell me its okay

There are far too many
All about the same people and things
Repetition
I dont want to repeat the same things over and over again
But that seems to be all I do
Just in private
If I were to show it to the world just once
Maybe I'd feel better

Talking to you is terrifying
Maybe it wouldnt be so bad if I actually had the courage to finally open up your message
But I've done that before and it just got scarier from there
I dont want to be alone
But I dont want to talk to you
You are perfect in all the ways I am not
And yet you are flawed in all the ways I could never be
Some would say that we'd be a good fit
And perhaps we would if I saw you again
Instead I'll just repeat the same apologies over and over
Disinterest
Cause my mind is on someone else?
That would be a part of it
Cause I've put off talking to you so long that I've developed a complex
Another part
That the cloud that used to follow me from a distance now looms over my head and drains me
A bigger ordeal
I think you were better as an idea
Someone I could admire from afar
The way I would have as a preteen
I did want to know more about you
And maybe you wouldve told me
But I dont think I want any of it anymore
I dont want you to know about me
And I dont want to talk

A quick peck on the lips
A kiss long overdue
How I could stare at you forever
How I know you could do the same
You sound like a childhood friend
You look like a thousand suns
What would you do if you knew what I had done a day prior
What would you have felt if you knew who I was talking to the week before
If you knew the previous night I was silently weeping for another boy
A boy I had never loved
Who had never loved me
Who had lied for his own pleasure
Who had brought out the bad parts in me
The desperate parts
The anger which was hidden away
I cannot blame him for what I did
It was my impatience
It was my decision
And because of that impatience
I wasted two days with you
If you knew all that
Would you still have kissed me?
Would you have saved me a seat?
Let me lean on your shoulder?
I hate having regrets
But just this one time
I wish I wouldve chosen differently