There are far too many
All about the same people and things
Repetition
I dont want to repeat the same things over and over again
But that seems to be all I do
Just in private
If I were to show it to the world just once
Maybe I'd feel better

Talking to you is terrifying
Maybe it wouldnt be so bad if I actually had the courage to finally open up your message
But I've done that before and it just got scarier from there
I dont want to be alone
But I dont want to talk to you
You are perfect in all the ways I am not
And yet you are flawed in all the ways I could never be
Some would say that we'd be a good fit
And perhaps we would if I saw you again
Instead I'll just repeat the same apologies over and over
Disinterest
Cause my mind is on someone else?
That would be a part of it
Cause I've put off talking to you so long that I've developed a complex
Another part
That the cloud that used to follow me from a distance now looms over my head and drains me
A bigger ordeal
I think you were better as an idea
Someone I could admire from afar
The way I would have as a preteen
I did want to know more about you
And maybe you wouldve told me
But I dont think I want any of it anymore
I dont want you to know about me
And I dont want to talk

A quick peck on the lips
A kiss long overdue
How I could stare at you forever
How I know you could do the same
You sound like a childhood friend
You look like a thousand suns
What would you do if you knew what I had done a day prior
What would you have felt if you knew who I was talking to the week before
If you knew the previous night I was silently weeping for another boy
A boy I had never loved
Who had never loved me
Who had lied for his own pleasure
Who had brought out the bad parts in me
The desperate parts
The anger which was hidden away
I cannot blame him for what I did
It was my impatience
It was my decision
And because of that impatience
I wasted two days with you
If you knew all that
Would you still have kissed me?
Would you have saved me a seat?
Let me lean on your shoulder?
I hate having regrets
But just this one time
I wish I wouldve chosen differently

Writing a million drafts
Of inadequate poems that barely qualify as such
The amount of published works is exceeded by the number of drafts
The delete button lurks below
But shall never be touched
Every untitled draft contains a thought from a time in which I could do nothing but write out my feelings to relieve the chemicals rushing through my brain
The drafts are not neglected
They are read to remind myself that I have felt just as unpleasant and survived
Some are grown into published works and are allowed into the outside garden
While others continue to sit in my metaphorical windowsill
Only to be seen by those I let in and myself

Take me back to when you hadn't decided to wrap your arms around me
When I wasnt immediately intoxicated by your scent
When you didnt seem interested in my writing or my artwork
When you didnt curiously try to figure out the password to my phone
To when you would text with thoughtfulness
To when you would do anything to make me feel better
To when you claimed you wanted the route that would cause me least pain

But my preferred routes were not those of yours
And you wouldnt compromise
So you led me down your path
And claimed that at some point it would merge with mine
You held my hand as we walked down the trail
But turned back and fled just before the intersection
I ran after you to ask why you had gone
Why you had changed your mind
Why you had done exactly what I expected of you
Why you went against everything you promised me
Take me back to before you returned
Or back to when I was wanted

Existence is tiresome
But I would never end it
There are many happy moments
Like pacing the sidewalk
Joyous bell in hand
Greeting the people
Wishing them well
Smiles around
In those moments I want nothing
Besides to be warm and to continue my walk without pain in my feet
I dont want you
I dont want to leave
Merely to dance to a song
And be the brightest light
I thought it was odd
How the thought of you didnt sound appealing for once
That I was content with me again
I didnt have my head in the clouds
But still not down to earth
Just floating in outer space
The way I prefer it

Dont say you care about me
Dont say my name
Dont ask why I'm sad and not pursue the thought when I say I'm not sure
Dont ask what I'm doing and then not be curious when I say art
Dont talk to me all day and not have anything interesting to say
Dont call me cute when you know you dont like me
Dont hold my hand
Dont give me hope and then let me down again
Dont purposely do the things I ask you not to
Dont be a ****