Where I’m From

She’s from that town in Iowa that’s not too big and not too small.

She goes to that school where you have to fend for yourself and try not to get in people’s way.

She’s from that broken path that people made.

She’s that girl who sits in the back of the room silent like a mouse because she’s scared to say anything.

She writes to feel okay and get to lost for awhile.

She dances through the pain.

She is sleep deprived.

No sleep will cure how tired she is.

That path she’s on, she fights every day and keeps a smile on her face so no one stops and asks if she’s okay.

It’s hard to trust and call her best friend her best friend.

She keeps a lot to herself.

Like that fact she has scars on her hips when she was drowning in cold water.

Or that she’s scared to do what she loves the most...

She’s scared to open up and be herself.

She’s from that family who has to get grades and doesn't have a lot of money.

She doesn't fit in because she doesn't own the “store named” clothing.

She’s that girl who walks with her head down in the hallway and headphones in. She hears everyone talking through the music and she doesn’t like the things they say.  

The music she listens to is depressing. You’d call her insane if you listened to it.

Have you ever looked into her tired eyes and realize

she’s barely holding on anymore?

She stays up at night and tries to sleep.

But her demons don’t let her.

She always has those questions in her mind like, “is it worth it” “does anyone care”

But, someone cares

Her best friend.

He helped her get out of that cold water she was drowning in.

She finally put on a real smile and has a real laugh again. All because she knows every day when she gets up someone is caring for her and loves her.

Look into her not so tired eyes.

Notice anything? Notice she’s happy again? Or do not notice any change?

You didn’t notice any change because you haven’t been through

hell like her

It’s because she kept fighting and not caring. She found her person

That girl is me and I’m still here letting people know they can do it and that it’s worth the fight.

-Gillian Askeland

I get this urge to jump off a cliff.

Every time I see one I walk to the edge and chicken out.

I look at how far down it goes. It's like grand canyon but smaller.

I see the river and take a step forward. I see the sky and take a step back.

L'apple Du Vide

I take another step back as I think of my family and friends.

I turn around as I tell myself one day I'll be happy.

-Gillian Askeland

You are my Thanatophobia.

I fear to lose you.

My love.

Best friend.

The one who fills that empty void in my soul.

The one who fixed my heart.

You are my Thanatophobia.

-Gillian Askeland

It's easy to say that you'll be okay.
Or that you won't cry.
It's easy to say that you won't cut or self-harm in any way.
It's easy to say that you love yourself when you really don't.
It's just so easy to say these things when you know they aren't true.
-Gillian Askeland

You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to be at my graduation and my dance recitals.
I was supposed to tell you everything!
You would have been my Maid of Honor.
Helping me get ready on my wedding day or graduation day.
But none of that will happen because you told me.
"Were too different to be friends"
-Gillian Askeland

I was heartbroken once. It wasn’t by a boy as you would imagine. It was by my so-called best friend. She woke up one day and told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I wanted to take the pain out on myself. I wanted to cut, not eat, and sleep forever. But I did all these things besides cut because I couldn’t go back into my home habits so I scratched myself. So bad I’d bleed. But little did I know I was heartbroken.
-Gillian Askeland