I said , "I  love you. "

He looked at me for a moment
and then with his gentle soft voice
he said,  " I  love  too....

      
           but not you. "

The sun has set, the darkness has risen
The time is now–

My written letters, long and full of apologies
Placed on the table, where my “family” is bound to see

Strikes of lighting zap my heart, making me anxious yet full of fog
As I step out the door, saying one last goodbye
To the place that's my home— but never felt so

Taking down the sidewalk, with limbs so weak,
So tired– yet full of so much relief,
For at last, something now, takes action—
To try and end my suffering

That something is me—

Arriving at the bridge, climbing onto the railing
looking down upon the fast flowing river
I knew jumping was sure to get me pulled under by the tide
And then I would drown.

That however, was the plan

So as I tore away the remains of my resolve
I closed my eyes, and lept
Crashing down with a loud splash,
Into the dark, cold, wet abyss

The shock of the cold and strength of the fall,
Pushed the air out my lungs
The quick, ruthless tide rushed me down the river
Pulling me under, filling my lungs with ice-cold water.
As the cold absorbed me, taking all my heat
I knew for sure, I’ll never again feel warm

banging hard into surrounding rocks and objects—
The last bit of fear— The last speck of will to live—
Died as I stopped fighting the tide and let myself fade
Accepting that death was superior to life

My breathing stopped

I felt myself die.

Staring into space
I think of a distant time
A time were the sun would never shine,
But you, were one half of the moon
And I, the other half

Together we lit up the night
Together we ruled the stars, the sky

At the time, the night seemed endless
As if it would last forever

And though we shone so very bright
Called this free world our own
It couldn’t last forever

For the sky we called our home; our safe haven—
Became blanketed in thick fog and smoke

The volcano of trial, pain, and hardship
Had erupted and destroyed our home

From the eruption,
A burning magma rock flew

Flew with such force, that when it striked me and you—
It shattered the moon
It broke us apart–
Back into two


So now the night,
is dark,
Cold
Empty
And sad

The moon nowhere to be seen,
for it’s two halves—
you,
And me

Are no longer whole

And that is why,
full moons come slow

I remember that day so clearly— Well the morning of that day.

I was showering, the light dim, A song playing that takes me far into my past.

There was…  Something about that moment,—There was a feeling I became familiar with.

That moment was so…  Hauntingly beautiful,— Like blood on white roses. It was sickeningly perfect; it seemed wrong yet so right—


The feeling I had was dissociation. But it wasn’t the normal kind, not like the type I have now.

It felt like vape smoke deep in my lungs, filling my head, my mind. But it was dark, like smog. Hovering around me, filling me.

It twisted around my head, like a dark foreshadowing of the horrors soon to come.


I felt clueless…

Yet…

At peace.

It was almost like I was floating.

That morning was like peaceful dribbles of rain, before it strengthened and became a strong storm…

It certainly felt like there were soft droplets falling from a cloud within my head.

Like the dissociative fog became so strong it needed to rain.
How could I have known my soft droplets would turn to pounding rain, with booming thunder and flashing lightning?

How could I have known my heart could beat louder than that thunder?

How could I have known my heart would be that thunder?


But still—

Despite the dreadful day it became.

That feeling— That memory— That day—

Holds a special carved-out place deep within my soul.


A place created from the eye of the storm.

A place of peace, fear, unpredictability,


Yet,


familiarity.

The air was aerie and silent, chilly breezes blowing like songs of sorrow

It’s dark, it’s scary, but it tells a beautiful story

Stories that took place on dark nights, just like this one

Stories where the trees looked more frightful than ever, as they cast lonely shadows in which sublime monsters lurk


But with courage, if you venture, if you strike down your fear,

You’ll trial through the forest and come across a safe haven;

A clearing where owls hoot, where fireflies spark

And the deep, blue sky is covered in glittering stars

Then the moon, the supreme ruler of the night– hovering above

Like a celestial being—

To be worshiped,

To be loved

So perhaps the night isn’t so frightful after all