In place of white,
I dress in black.
All those letters to Santa
Take on a whole new meaning.
In place of bikes and robots,
The tree is filled with hearts and prayers.
All those cookies and glasses of milk
Take on a whole new legacy.
In place of a Santa Hat,
I dress in blood red.
All those Family Christmas Cards
Take on a whole new importance.
In place of soggy socks,
I wear my bare feet.
All those stockings
Take on a whole new significance.

14 balloons floating in the wind, hitting electrical wires
14 kittens running around in the yard, perfect prey for the Hawks
14 unmatched socks laying by the fire, catching fire and burning down the house
14 years of living on Earth, wanting it all to end
14 will be where it stops

Disruptions
Distractions
Diss school.

Hate
Horror
Hopeful peers.

Memories
Magic
Marching away.

Light
Laughter
Longing summer.

We've finished the worst chapter of our lives.
We made it.

The click and pound and beat
Will be the final thing that they hear
Not their moms saying have a good day
Or their dads squeezing them and saying I love you
The Christmas Tree delicately lit
Will be the candle to remember them by
And the ornaments that were delicately placed
Will be the bullets that were fired...
The classic winter wonderland
Will be altered this year
No longer happy and cheerful
Or up-beat and comforting
The shots ring through your ears
Will be all that you hear come Christmas Eve and Day
Not the hourly chimes of the town clock
Or the regular carolers
The Christmas Tree delicately lit
Will be the candles to remember them by

Stealing my breath on a summer night
Youthful in the dusk and wise on the stars
Driving out with pillows and blankets in the back of the truck
Now, her smile warms my freeze
Easily holding me as I regain feeling in the form of tears
You, you and I~

Loving through the strokes of the clock
Echoing the newest learned song between the walls
Arching, moaning, coming- close
Neighbors can easily hear you and T and A
Netflix binges and night holds
Edward Elric and Alphonse are on a scroll hanging on the wall

Ching chong and she still believes Asia speaks one language
Love-with a little bit of lust some could say
I waited so long for the 'i' so I could say 'I love you and you love me'
Fighting for yourself and being my tough one when I'm away
Freedom. Yep. #YOLO #sorrynotsorry #Free
Orchard is a part of Washington State as you taught me
Running can't quite be a thing, but derby is
Dedicating my life to you. Then, now, forever.

Smooth iceman
Sitting in the cinema
His hair rustled by the claps
And his identity is just in his clasps

Shadows flow
Echoing cries of the wolf
And then it's black, serpents
Strangulation and presents

Brought up to restrain
Beasts roam from the trainers

As the iceman
Sitting in the cinema
Regains power and steers
Turning back time, to simply reset

Before the wedding cake tiers
Slide and droop, they fall from tire
Falling to the end
The serpents came out of the den

As he was slipping, the iceman, the painter
Began on himself, to repaint

And the power of the anagram, endless

I will always hear you calling,
Your pleas impossible to miss-
A cry from the dark
A shadow breaking heart.

Well, it's time you shattered your shackles
Broke free from your bonds.
I'll tell you what, I've got the temporary key
But you hold the permanent one.

It's held within you. Just keep searching
Inside you is a maze
lost in the back.
I have a map.

So no matter how badly you get hurt,
how many times you fall,
I will always pick up the pieces
and glue them back into place of your puzzle frame.

Cause I will never give up on you.
Always got your back in a fight, even if ya don't got mine
You're worth my everything, I'd give it all up
Just to see your face lit with one more smile.

-Tasman

Even if I'm broken, I've got my heaven around me
With the blue eyes of my sky I've so gruelingly
waited in this water as my legs began to give out
Praying for this rain of mine to subside
Inside, I see the warmth of your smile under the halo
'Cause after all, only the beautiful breach Heaven's Doors
White dove etched in my wrist flew to your lips
to unlock your heart of its holy water
So please taint my blood though it's not thicker than water
Chase these chains to make this being afraid
into I'm afraid but I've got Heaven underneath me
One disasterous paradise within me that you
dig for and find my Hell is seven oceans deeper than
The sky is full_ but even if I'm broken
I've got my heaven surrounding me
as your blue eyes wipe away the crush of my tides
Please let me call you love
Because even when I'm broken
You are my heaven that surrounds me.

I was sitting on the curb
Waiting to see the people who were just like me
Mom was explaining things to me
My brother felt like he was home. That these were his people.

Inside my head,
I'm screaming these are my family.
On the outside, I'm watching all the people walk across the street.
Hear the rev of motorcycles.
Hear comes the ***** on Bikes

Girls who I thought were boys
Didn't really know what a **** was
Until I looked into the street.
Man. That duct tape had to hurt when they took it off their skin.

Looking back at that day
I barely knew anything.
Hell, I barely knew the what "You'll live like a ***** babe." meant.
Things were never hard just because I was Gay.
Relationships are what made my life Hell.

A Year Ago Tomorrow
Was the day
I found it wouldn't be the same again.
A Year Ago Tomorrow
Marks the day
I came to terms with who I really was.

You could have a thousand shades to describe
A sunset that won you photograph of the year
Stil without flight we dazzle your angle
Careless to say we shine the shades
But you never thanked the rigs that pulled those shades

In simple terms
The shades draped over with clouds
Could not be as brilliant
To the scattered fractures that are
Not boastful, just gleaming
A handful of shades
With a hint of tomorrow peering through

Today's a brand new day, new adventures, new thoughts and ideas, new emotions, new questions.
Today's a brand new day and you could change your life around and rebuild your life and get yourself going down the right road and make more light in the world somehow, maybe even if that's just by not hiding who you are and speak your thoughts to some other than a page of notebook paper.

Today is a brand new day. It's up to you to break normality and not make it just another typical day.
Keep looking, you'll see it. I swear.

Were we really that tight anyways?
So we texted every day of the summer
So we laughed together in math class
So we were both supposedly bi

Were we really that close in reality?
So we knew everything about each other
So we always thought about one another
So we "actually" missed going to school

But were we really Best friends?
And we held each other when we cried
And we smiled every time we passed in the halls
And we protected one another in times of need

But that was just for one year
And then it suddenly went out the window
No more texts
No more laughs through class
No more bisexuality to connect us
No more knowing everything
No more thoughts of the other
No more missing school
No more hugs as we cried
No more smiles
No more protection

It's gone, and the chain that's been twisted and bent last year
Finally snapped and so did our bond
It's utter ******* about what you're claiming I did to Chloe
But I'm stronger then that
Because that year when we were close, was a major mistake

I remember standing there
My closest friend
She said,
"If I could have any wish, I'd wish you could have a better life.."
Suddenly, the flames of the bonfire were lively
The heat finally broke past my clothes and touched my skin
Stars seemed to shine
The twinkle was in my eyes again
Moon was illuminating our globe

There was always this safety, reassurance
That I felt when I looked into her eyes
Or stepped into her house
It was family

And I've finally felt that tether that's been there since 1st grade
So please tell me that there's a genie in a bottle somewhere
I would wish for her to find everything she needs in life
And that nothing would go wrong
I'd wish that all her demons would vanish

Let it roll in
The tide will be rising
Watching the waves
Caught in a trance

Higher and higher
We climb
The moon is within our grasps
Our dreams will finally be safe

We take shelter
Hiding ourselves from the lamp in the solar system
Wishing to shine as bright as that sun
Knowing what could've been

Hang onto me as you slide
Sinking deeper into the mud
Fence posts buckling from the unstable ground
Wishing to be a post, changing but standing still tall

Hug me while we watch our dreams slip out of sight up on the hillside
Walk with me as the sun steals our shelter
Dive down with me as the tide rises and the waves take us down
Kiss me when we go down in the mud
Because I'd never try and escape from the mud if you were by my side.
We'll be laying in a forest of kelp.
Through the branches of seaweed, I found you.
We climb higher and higher.
Dive deeper, deeper.
Watch longer and longer.
Hide more and more.
Slide quicker, quicker.
As Mother Natures rolls around us.
Nothing but good memories to treasure for tomorrow.

Emptiness, Sorrow, Outcast
Starting to slip below the surface
Something in the way you act
Makes me feel like I can't keep going
So I'll become the outcast
Not a thing can change
What's already happened
Acceptance, Belief, Security
Beginning to realize there's a chance
Anything could be possible
Gives me the feeling of being indestructible
So I can be leader of my life
Maybe save someone who means something to me
Possibilities anew in my world
But this whole time,
That the clock keeps counting the hours, minutes, seconds,
I know that I'll be at the very bottom in a matter of hours.
Cause I can only seem to soar on the smallest of drafts.

That big, pink eraser you see?
I wish it were a hundred times grander
So I could erase all the days
All the wasted months of my life.
I'd be capable of erasing every individual day since I was born.
No,
I take that back...
I'd drop the eraser when I hit November 25th of this year.
That was the day you told me yes
Hidden under ***** and heaps of paper
Lay that rounded eraser,
Smeared with numbers and photos.
Something I thought would never happen did
And an enormous switch on the creases in my brain flipped on
My heart went through the clouds for the first time ever
It'll never go back down to that eraser...

It's down pouring outside, just the sheets of wind and the clink of memories pounding my roof. Falling silent when the clouds stop crying for me.
The voice upstairs can
Praying for some sweet breeze from Georgia
'Cause I was born from dark weather
Thunder was booming
Lightning was breaking
Layers of warm, familiar rain has followed me wherever I go
As if to say
You'll be alright once the sun peaks over the mountain top

If you're bogged down right now listen to this song and read the lyrics:

Well I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge

I'm telling you that
Its never that bad
Take it from someone whose been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And your not sure
You can take this anymore

So just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about
The easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well everybody'***** the bottom
And everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on

Just give it one more try
To a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And you can't tell
I'm scared as hell
Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

You can still be
What you want to
When you first met me

Ever get that feeling of being cheated
Of being forgotten and excluded
Just because of your past?
I'm sure the blacks in this country
Fell the way I feel

Slip out from beneath the covers
Land on the floor,
Be stepped on
Time and time again,
People are creatures of habit
They slip a lie here
Put in a lie there
Hard to tell the difference
Now a days,
I just stick to myself,
Knowing what could've been

She needs just a body
A few stanzas
To fill in the gaps
Where the ribs should expand
But she has no breath
For she needs no air
To keep a heart pumping

Functioning on the smoke
From a joint
That glints in the moon light
Strewn across the lawn
In the night so clear
That she's her own New York

Everything's overdrive
Her daddy taught her how to inhale
And steal her heart away
In hopes that he could breathe again

And he stole her eyes
With the waves washing over him
The strands widening to form a pit
The pupils of New York
Is in the moon

You know the girl without a breath
For she yells the longest and the loudest
You know the girl without a breath

How somber
It is as we crowd around this burial site
Where a once lively soul gets put to rest
An end to one Hell of a legacy
Closure and comfort,
As we say our farewell with a flaming red rose

During that bus ride to Zoo Lights
Something odd was going to happen
Not a voice crack
But a tragedy
That bus ride to Zoo Lights
Something significant would take place
Not tonight
But the day following
That bus ride to Zoo Lights
Something unexpected would unravel
Not life changing to us
But life changing to a hundred people across the country
That bus ride to Zoo Lights
Something incredible happened
Not to me...
But to a group of strangers

I was loosing time
The days were becoming not only shorter
But dimmer, darker, duller...
I realized that I've given every single shirt off my back for people
And I'm not saying I regret doing it,
I just need to take a breather
Make some smarter decisions.
Maybe start listening and learn something in class..

Give me one more shirt
Even if it's only a freaking thread
And I'll prove everything I've got
That I won't donate it to someone
I'll treasure it until the angels call for me

Call me Echo
Cause even though my parents abandoned me
I want to live on where I came from
Go by my rightful calling
Show to the world that I've got things left to keep

For myself,
The world I'm glued in is tearing me to shreds
Now it's 12:00am
My eyes are dried up from all the crying I've done
Nohing left to dig out from the depths

My soul is shallow now...
You can finally see to the bottom
And all my blockades burst into pieces
Flung a million miles from here
Never to be glued back together

I can change the outcome
Moving from here on out
To be a stronger individual
Who listens to see if they're still breathing

The heavy showers of rain
Bare down on my frame
Like that night in a ratty old blanket in the street
But I promise you I'll keep that thread you gave to me
And it'll be embedded into my skin
For no one to use but me
If however..
You give me one more try at this little thing called survival

Will I hear you again?
Or even see you open your eyes?
If only I could have one last chance
...
I wouldn't change anything
Except make it easier on Mom

She took her ring off Dad
Left it by her pain killers
You tried your best, it wasn't good enough
Things have finally wrapped up
Just like you are this very moment

Seeing you in a casket,
Wrapping my still young hands around your fist
Tears staining your new dress shirt
Speaking for the dead, listening to the alive

Searching for the memory
Of the Concrete Cross
Reading the numbers of your hospital room
All of it a mixed memory,
Slowly sharpening

I'll miss you Dad
I guess I'm supposed to say:
I love you
But I'll walk through the Church doors
My last words to you were
I'm disappointed

Goodbye Dad
Summer, now just a ball of ruined treasures hanging above me
5.23.13

Goodbye Dad.

I sprinted away as the clouds darkened. Across the bridge and into the middle of a road. I'll never be sad if I don't see it. Kye can't be ripped out of my life. He's the only thing I've really got. And by then, I'm sure it was all just a mean prank he pulled on me. There's no way that he can have cancer. It's dark in the forest and I never want to stop. Just keep going and going. I stop in my tracks and think of how selfish I must be to Kye. Running away because I'm scared and angry and confused. Kye needs me.  I take the shortest way back to the yard,crossing through roads and down by the creek. He isn't depressed or angry, he's just sitting there on the hood of a '85 Cadillac staring at the hood between his legs.
"I hate you!" I yell at him.
" Why?" he asks, confused.
" You told me you had cancer just to get me back!" I said, with a glare in my eyes.
Kye stays silent and looks to the sunset over the fence.
" It wasn't a prank," he says, monotone. Then I knew...
I'm still as a brick when he turns to face me.I see the worry in his eyes and just stare at him... That was the last sunset he would see with out a window in front of it.
Two months after that day, Kye passed away and left me to fight the world by myself. He used to be strong and muscular, but two months later, he was weak and limp. He knew he wasn't going to see another day and left me by saying that, 'you're nothing but infinite.'
To this day, I wake up and think about what he said to me before he slipped far away. It's what keeps me going. Everything I do now is for Kye and I know he isn't that far away. I quit school for a while to cope with everything that has happened in the last year. My uncle and mother died in a horrible fire and my dad was shot and killed on the job. Me and Kye were the only ones left to occupy the spacious house in Bend.
I'm infinite and keep fighting until the day I meet everything that has kept me going.

Canopy floats around us,
Shading us from the brilliant sun.
You transform into the sun now,
Glowing and beautiful.
The gloss of your lips is all I see,
All I ever see, even if it's raining.
I'll always be your right hand man,
To trek the depths of our lives.
I stand at attention while you walk on by me,
Noticing me as just another one of your followers.
And the canopy floats around us.

It's a quarter to One in the morning
I'm sitting in bed going through old photographs
Remembering those days and naps
Luna's curled up on the edge of my bed, asleep.
I'm thinking about the poem I wrote you
About never feeling like this before.. About anybody
I can't sleep when I remember Math Class
And all the laughs we had together
My mom told me, " When you find that special person who you're close to,you'll share old photos and notes from when you were little. It'll be special"
I want to show you some old photos
We can smile and laugh or just sit there
I just want you to know how much you mean to me and how special you are
I'll watch the clock count the time for hours
Hearing your voice is all I need to be happy
Seeing your smile is all I need to get through the day
Remembering the times on the hill is all I need to pass a test
Smelling your hair to make me feel safe
You're all I need to be happy
And so I'll fall asleep thinking about all that we've done together
You're the bright side of everyday
You're my life saver

Each person to their own respected places
Admiral, Corporal, Private, Soldier, Wannabe
Each person battling their own individual war
Like him, tucked in bed, laying awake is his war.
While hers is equal to his.
Hers is words, they bounce off her. Making that her war.
A drop of milk sitting on the counter is his struggle.
And a ******* becomes her struggle.
Life...
It's composed of all these little wars.
Being taken down individually by the recognition of thousands
Trying to gain independence from chains.
Chip and crack a link every second of every day.
Numbers will always be their own war,
And racquets and ***** will be her war.
Focusing forms his never ending fight
And the same goes for speaking with her.
Each person to their own respected places
Admiral, Corporal, Private, Soldier, Wannabe
Breathing heavy just by walking turns to be his battle
To her, sticks and stones will be an uphill struggle.
But to each their own destination.
Coming To Be Victorious they shall all be.

As I sit here, alone in this room
You're body shutting down, calling it quits
My disbelief, anger, it all gets hidden.
I just sit and helplessly stare.

The clock hanging just above the door
It counts out time, every tick and tock
Signals one less breath you'll take as you limply lay there
One less chance for you to smile and be okay.

Everyone's saying you're too far gone already
Mom's willing to pull the plug
Seeing the bandages swallow all of you
Hiding your Irish, brutal skin

If only you hadn't drove home
And set your hands on your knees, instead of the wheel
Swerving, colliding, killing, dying
Dad, you stole someone's life from them

Soon, you'll be leaving us behind, I can see it in the I.V.'s
Forcing us to live as, "That drunkards kids"
I find it funny how one thing can push you clear off the edge
Destroying a life and yet you still have yours, it's unfair

Funny how when you're falling,
You ***** everything up.
Even though you're already gone.
Daddy, why did you do it?

The frames
Tunneling us enough to cloak the rays of diversity, of possibilities
The normality shaded a charcoal black, sprayed over us
Stinging the eyes of those who could see the spectrum
Blinding the ones who walked down the colored roads from the coliseum to the Twin Towers
People hung up on the walls, stapled to the confinements of society's critics
As if a snowflake would make them unloved, unseen, unwanted, unworthy of living and chasing happiness

Nobody can be there to comfort you
No one can be there to let the rain ease
Nobody can make you smile
But yourself
And the book's stacked on the sore shelves have taught us the opposite

Through the words strung around your front door
And the shades covering your walls
You can bust that choking frame apart that you might be trapped in
And create one that doesn't shift to make the papers tell society you're normal
That nothing's wrong with you, that you are not a sinner, and that you are not hell bound

Spiraling, collapsing, destroying, breaking, slashing
The ideas of ties over flat chests and the long hair to the ones with the *******

Finding your spectrum may **** off the clouds
And you may be blinded
But the colors come out from beneath your feet

And

Diversity thrives in the wonderland
That not everyone comes to witness

Follow me down into the rabbit's hole
To discover your frame, your life, your portrait
Your spectrum is not society's

Stinging eyes to the ones who see the spectrum
And the scars to the ones who have already painted their own
They have more to tell

I don't want to flick the light out,
the blazing marble strung up in the night sky casting shadows over and under and between solitary and vacant feelings.
Eventually being mixed into a whirl wind of havoc all the while the moon rolls behind the naked tree limbs and the boiling gold sphere peaks over the adjacent hills.
Slouching in piercing silence, nails stiffen because they're afraid of clinking to the ground. Ripping off all that you treck with.  
Transform to the torn sole of your shoe, breath in the sights.

Shove away from the wall and burst through windows, seeming unsinkable.
Still slouching in piercing silence.
Shadows seem to evade the clear, illuminated streets.
Toss your hat across the river, soaring like a dagger.
Gently gliding like a heron to crouch inside a thicket of your brain.

Trapping those thoughts girl, you know you have to shake them out.
They hold no shadows,
Just like Peter Pan.

Dancing around a whirlpool,
Yet laying on soft, sunny grass,
Clouds streaking by above me but,
All my eyes see is Talia's  hand slipping,
Over and over again the image plays.
I shut my eyes and rolled onto my side, and I can see the present day once more.
Stepping over blades,
Afraid of being cut again.
Dancing around a whirlpool,
Eventually I'll get caught.

Tomorrow might be too late
Silence not to be broken
Bonding in a way
Nothing could quite describe it

Carry it
Hold it
Cherish it
Hug it

Each day
Each class
Each moment

Until you, yourself
Have been silenced

But even after that,
You're heart continues to carry out the beat of the drum

And you're voice will continue to ring through the streets and cities
Some days it'll be almost too quiet to hear
Others it'll ring louder then the city bells

But you're heart will carry out the beat

Each time my mom calls me for dinner,
It happens
I start to eat, feel nothing unusual
Then it hits
I start to feel sick at the sight of my barely eaten meal
And then I lose my appetite
Don't finish my food

Each time my friends and I sit down for lunch,
I watch while everyone enjoys their lunch
As I sit there and talk
Don't go to the line and pick up some food

Each time I get done showering,
I walk into the kitchen,
Pull out some bread even though I know I'm not going to eat
My stomach hurts a little
But I'm so used to it, I ignore it and keep getting ready for the day

The scale reads 115
When I step onto it
And the tape measure tells me I'm 5 3'

Please somebody,
What's wrong with me?

I'm turning out to be one Hell of a person
I'm starting to go insane
Or at least realize the fact that I am

The only connection to the normal realm of life
Would be my cat
I know she's sane, but not fully
She's like a Medium

My brain is deteriorating
Leaving me completely unarmed
It seems like I can't even use my voice or limbs without magnificent effort

Scenes go black in my head
A dark room turns a blinding white
So I shut my eyes
Go into a light but deep sleep for hours
Waking into a dim world
With strange voices from the TV

Break into a fever
My hands start dampening
And I have a feeling I've lost my sense of sanity.

The orbs are comfortable
To lay within the glow
Rounding up and over the moon lit by
Nightly prayers from the children and the whispering ambitions of the aged

Will we ever fit in
Well, fit out of the confinements we dredge to make it all okay when the family cries
Each of us have all been strapped with Velcro from our Day 1 to fit standards
But does it mean anything..
For if we fall short, it hurts more than falling long
Why must we hurt and bleed and scrape against the bottom when we're trying our hardest

Age holds no value
When the interlacing branches of the forest
All look the same
Because we cannot dare differentiate ourselves
What it is to live "normal" and society's "regular"

Maybe we hide ourselves
under scars and lyrics, between role lists and bus seats
Maybe our orbs are colored neon, or maybe a lingering Oregon grey

So maybe, clicks and groups and minorities
And maybe even the "freaks"
Are all synonyms for "normal" and "regular"

So please, these orbs have become comfortable
Don't hang your head and hide one minute more.

DJ turn it loud
DJ slow it down and go silent
DJ rev it up
DJ cool down a bit
I'm the DJ who drops the beats
The bass trembles in your tendons like a banjo string being played
And vibrates your collar bone like a cell phone in a theater
I'm the DJ who shoots arrows into hearts
The guitar solo swirls your vision like a sheet of fog
And pulses through your entire body like a defibrillator
I'm the DJ who ramps up the emotion
Sorrow courses through the crevices of your brain bringing you back to the world outside
Giddiness is wired through your toes and fingers and guides you away from worries
Anger pounds in your heart when that special pattern of drum beats and guitar chords remind you of your ex.
DJ turn it loud
DJ slow it down and go silent
DJ rev it up
DJ cool down a bit
I'm the DJ who drops the beats...

You're everything I want to be. You have everything I've ever wanted. You live what I want to live and you don't even notice me reaching out to save myself. I'm starting to think you only say you love me because that's what family is supposed to do. But really, you could care less about me now that you're off for two or three days at a time, getting back at 3 a.m. And I couldn't care less if I woke up tomorrow morning or not..
People want to read my life, want to know my life, then you might as well replace me and let me free from always being picked on and teased and underestimated and criticized because of who I love, what I choose to wear and how short I have my hair.

My grandmother said that I was the light of her life but it's because she doesn't have anything really going on in her life anymore. She'll question every little thing about me, and eventually, I'm on the verge of yelling at her to just let it all go and ready to cry..

The words are starting to cut deeper than they ever have before, I'm at a crossroads on my life and all I can go is down to sink to the floor and right now, I just want to stay there for a long time. I haven't cried so hard in my life and if this is misspelled then I'm sorry because I can't see the keys clearly from my tears.. I know most of you who happen to read this, will think, 'oh **** it up, it's nothing.' but it means something to me and it's going to affect my future right now in this moment.

Feeling in the wrong body = Wrong
Wanting to sleep for a few hours = Wrong
Laying out in rain soaked grass = Wrong

I want to try and wake up when everything's a lot more right.

I'll be laying down
A coffin with etched names in the top
Pressed up against my lifeless, limp body

The shell of me, now spread throughout loved ones hearts
Holding tight to yesterday's memories
Knowing what I left behind
To be carried on

A battle now ended
Was it a surrender or a clear defeat
Busting down my door
It's Death and the Shadows that follow

I hate wearing bikini's or one pieces.
Instead, I rock out in swim trunks and a surf tee.
I hate wearing my hair down or all made up.
Instead, I stroll in a faux hawk.
I hate wearing a bra.
Instead, oh wait. I HAVE TO...
The downsides of being a tom boy.

Whenever I see
her tears,
It's time to dive right in,
and I'm already drowning
sinking to the ocean floor of her sorrow,
believing I could've prevented her river from flooding the banks, and
throwing my life preservior after her before she had gone overboard.

The switch of the sun is stuck on off,
and the dizzying waves
come crashing over my frail frame
slamming me below the surface.

Haunting stories to never be retold.
Nobody there to carry them
A firey blaze kept you going
then a heart break put out the fire
that's been burning for going on 13 years
And all of sudden,
your tears are bombs
Each one that drops from your war zone eyes,
narrowly missing me

But I'm hanging in there
For you
But that isn't my story. My story is
being the sirens that you could hear coming closer,
but that never actually showed up
at your doorstep,
that one pink leaf that gets flicked off the branch
which once promised hope.

So you uncoil from under the rubble
the foundation of your heart got blasted away
Some of it from your own error.
Unravel the white flag as I finally make out your figure
In all the darkness,
I somehow transform to that beacon
which is something you've been looking
for your whole entire life you've been flung around

Time to grab you,
hold you tight
and wait until the alarms become inaudible
summer after summer,
I layed there in my world,
taking in the fresh air.

And this whole time,
on another world,
held you
your misery,
your destroyed faith,
and the hope you used to treasure.
Everywhere you walk,
was a graveyard,
tombstones and rotted oaks
uprooted from your place on the shore
where you could look out at all those,
And to think..
this whole time,
I was just past the horizon,
searching for you,
trying to be that saving grace
you so desperatley needed.
If only I could wish all your worries away.
Let them become the stars
that shine so bright,
they outshine the moonlight.
Holding you close,
Bringing you back into the world of love and promise and security.
That is my story.
I wouldn't have one
without that first wave rocking me off my feet
falling a thousand feet down to slam into your troubles.

City storms and maddening proposals
why not stay simple and kiss
No extravagent nights hitting the shops
"But the economy dropped" you hear
Then lets follow  back to simpler rooms
To the uncut fields  and
life support barn frames that glint softly
through the cowboy hat reflections
Take to the tire swing dragging over seams of the hurt skies
Scraping the bottom of the barrels

Go to the old country and in
our eyes
the metalic skin does not envy us
For it has novels it wrote to speak

Lets make it new again
Pulling the ashtray clouds
And gasoline tears through the messy cottontails
Let us not be caught as we adventure
Inside thickets of pasts and childhood books

My stomach feels bloated,
My lungs don't work perfectly
My eyes get dilated
M skin gets red, bumpy, itchy
My knees do the same
I run to the bathroom..
Puke up a little bit of whatever
Then I go frozen like a block of ice
And I began to shake
Pull on my clothes again
Huddled underneath my bed sheets and fall asleep
Shivering uncontrollably and then catching fire
My body an earthquake

As the waves rise,
I beg for the clouds to quit dragging by above me..
And for the ball of light to become visible
The clouds would float away,
The sun to rise and fall...

Natalie T ='s

My hope
My laugh
My smile
My shoulder to lean on
My hand to latch onto
My voice
My eyes
My heart
My savior
My love
My compass
My everything good in this world

Why can't I put myself back together?
Why did I have to fall apart in the first place?

Why can't I be like Riley Knowles?
Why did I have to fall under Depression's reigns?

Why can't I simply be happy?
Why did I stop being happy?

WHY can't I laugh just to laugh?
WHY did I try to end my own life so short?


When will I be happy?
When can I smile for real again?

When will I share upbeat memories?
When can I move without gloom following me?

When will I fall in love?
When can I say that I am truly fine?

WHEN will I not be suicidal?
WHEN can I be in remission?

Curse words have been shot my way
But I've always thought I'd make out just fine.
Just like any other kid.
People claim to need me,
Yet they are the ones who shoot the imaginary guns at me carelessly
I am not needed,
No, I am plotted somewhere  in the background.
Never coming to the foreground in any of the shooter's lives.
I'll be come famous one day
And then I will be holding the gun and aiming the words.
Curse words still ricochet in my lungs
Just come to remember that...
Hood is down,
Pants set low,
Shoes gripping  my ankles,
My fists cracked and ready to fight
Head is down,
Legs are bent,
Feet are grounded,
My fingers itching to meet bone
And through all of this, I will become famous

Below the sun starts to droop
like my eyes in the winter haze
Swift and aloft, mesmerized
The penny looses its shine
And the well seems fit for drowning

Rummaging the the rubble
My heart's not a store
Scarred and broken
open through the door comes the looters

I am robbed
bobbed for a bite on the floor of unseen
Though these eyes are sore for looks
Scandalizing props a broker through
stained glass windows
faulty ceilings and fogged up glasses
Elapsing through the Praise scratched Lord hands

Am I left to compose
Iced over good mornings as honor and parishioners rumble over
Where am I headed, where do you go?
plastic pieces flexing
Docking down to where the light never seems to hit
But we take mark with a bouy-
To say your words *"This is how far I got"

Through my meadows I burn
To the chimney stack scoffs
And the melancholy sweeps to rotate the blinks over
and over and over again

They hide in the dark
All of a sudden, something in the closet falls
Dead silence
Something moves beneath your bed
A light randomly dies out

Stranded in the darkness
Your windows open
Don't want to go near to close it
Petrified in paranoia
Your cat wakes up.. Won't stop staring at your window
Moving around in your bed, the noise of the rustling sheets
Makes you think you'll alert them that you're hear
Brick still now..muscles clenched

Afraid to breathe
To blink
To move a centimeter out of place
Just stare at every part of your room
Something falls off your wall
Lands on the messy floor of your room
Seems the hours until light won't come quick enough
Trapped in the night
You think you see a little girl walk right through the door
There she is, standing tall.
Looking directly your way.
Takes a step closer to your bed
Staring directly at you, smiling.
A man with a gun tucked in his belt, wearing a large jacket
He steps through the door too

Clamp your eyes shut
Waiting for them to end you
You doze off..
Feels like the little girl has climbed inside your bed and is asleep next to you
You think the sheets are moving as if she's breathing
And the next time you open your eyes,
The sun is breaking the eerily shadowed room you were locked in
Survived through the night.
Gear up for the next one.