I'll be laying down
A coffin with etched names in the top
Pressed up against my lifeless, limp body

The shell of me, now spread throughout loved ones hearts
Holding tight to yesterday's memories
Knowing what I left behind
To be carried on

A battle now ended
Was it a surrender or a clear defeat
Busting down my door
It's Death and the Shadows that follow

Why can't I put myself back together?
Why did I have to fall apart in the first place?

Why can't I be like Riley Knowles?
Why did I have to fall under Depression's reigns?

Why can't I simply be happy?
Why did I stop being happy?

WHY can't I laugh just to laugh?
WHY did I try to end my own life so short?


When will I be happy?
When can I smile for real again?

When will I share upbeat memories?
When can I move without gloom following me?

When will I fall in love?
When can I say that I am truly fine?

WHEN will I not be suicidal?
WHEN can I be in remission?

Will I hear you again?
Or even see you open your eyes?
If only I could have one last chance
...
I wouldn't change anything
Except make it easier on Mom

She took her ring off Dad
Left it by her pain killers
You tried your best, it wasn't good enough
Things have finally wrapped up
Just like you are this very moment

Seeing you in a casket,
Wrapping my still young hands around your fist
Tears staining your new dress shirt
Speaking for the dead, listening to the alive

Searching for the memory
Of the Concrete Cross
Reading the numbers of your hospital room
All of it a mixed memory,
Slowly sharpening

I'll miss you Dad
I guess I'm supposed to say:
I love you
But I'll walk through the Church doors
My last words to you were
I'm disappointed

Goodbye Dad
Summer, now just a ball of ruined treasures hanging above me
5.23.13

Goodbye Dad.

As I sit here, alone in this room
You're body shutting down, calling it quits
My disbelief, anger, it all gets hidden.
I just sit and helplessly stare.

The clock hanging just above the door
It counts out time, every tick and tock
Signals one less breath you'll take as you limply lay there
One less chance for you to smile and be okay.

Everyone's saying you're too far gone already
Mom's willing to pull the plug
Seeing the bandages swallow all of you
Hiding your Irish, brutal skin

If only you hadn't drove home
And set your hands on your knees, instead of the wheel
Swerving, colliding, killing, dying
Dad, you stole someone's life from them

Soon, you'll be leaving us behind, I can see it in the I.V.'s
Forcing us to live as, "That drunkards kids"
I find it funny how one thing can push you clear off the edge
Destroying a life and yet you still have yours, it's unfair

Funny how when you're falling,
You ***** everything up.
Even though you're already gone.
Daddy, why did you do it?

This life I live
Just seems to be dragging on
I'm depressed every time I wake up
14 years, and I want to give up

I can't seem to look forward to anything
Friends are drifting away
I'm tumbling down into a gully and being forgotten
14 years, and I've lived long enough

Whisper to myself to **** it up
Appears that only the talented throw their lives away
Done trying to save myself, cause it's not working
14 years will be on my tombstone

This Memorial Day
Will be a Memorial for me
My legacy, and how I ended it all.

Will you promise to hold me while I fall apart?
Will you promise me to light the way we're heading?
Will you promise me those two things?

Will you promise to make me keep breathing?
Will you promise me that you'll hold my hand?
Will you keep these promises if you make them?

Will you promise to be my sister until the end of time?
Will you promise me that we'll make the climb side by side?
Will you promise?

Will you promise me you'll love me?

I hope you love me
I hope you'll climb next to me
I hope you and I will be sisters forever
I hope you take my hand in yours
I hope I keep being forced to breathe
I hope you'll light the way
I hope you will hold me when I fall apart

But that's all I can do.
Is pray, hope, wish, believe you'll keep these promises
Babe, I love you so much, you have no clue.

Taz, you're my sister from another mister.
Just promise me this:
Forever and always, TOGETHER.

Wiping away the tears,
Seeing the scars from the blades.
Wishing for a new beginning,
Starting my life over again and getting a second chance.
Because of you telling me things will get better.

Living not for myself, but for others,
Trying to put myself back together.
Longing for someone to understand why I'm so destroyed,
Tipping over in the tiny breeze, going to be stronger in the end.
Because of you pushing me.

Getting back up on my feet,
Holding on tight.
Giving everything I've got into surviving through the night,
Hopes and prayers that are going to come true, someday.
Because of you and your Faith in me.

Blades are for the weak,
Riding in the surf of desperation for nine years.
Braving the demons that held me back,
Restoring my fire to keep on going now though.
Because of you being there for me.

Coming out the other side,
Inspired by you to turn my life around.
Crawling, eventually going to stand tall,
I am going to stick things out.
Because of you.

ME: I'm such a failure Natalie, and then there's you. You;re so ******* perfect in my eyes. You say you don't know because you're afraid of hurting me. I'm so wrecked, you are the only thing that can save me. Not even kidding...
NATALIE: :( I shouldn't be the only reason. Trust me, you'll find someone better then me. More beautiful, a better reason to stay on this earth. Don't leave!! I hope when we're older we meet again and you'll be happy. Don't leave Ali!!
ME: I was right. Tasman, Hannah, YOU. You guys are keeping me here. Besides, nobody will give a **** if I'm gone. I won't find anyone better, you're everything I've been looking for my whole life.
NATALIE: We will care if YOU'RE GONE. ******* it Ali, I care!
ME: But you don't feel the same way back. Am I right?
NATALIE: No you're not right, you're wrong! I love you Ali......
ME: You love me as a friend... right?
NATALIE: Stop asking Ali cause the answer is yes
ME: Wait... yes what???

ME: She destroyed me and everything that I held onto. She drove me to suicide so many times and she didn't care. She just kept making my world darker and darker and she didn't stop. I tried suicide last night. I'm alone and I can't keep trying to live. I'm honestly done.
NATALIE: What did she do to you!
ME: She took/turned all my friends, even family against me. She bullied and harassed me. She just destroyed me by doing whatever the Hell she wants to with people's emotions.
NATALIE: Don't **** yourself! I'm sorry, was I part of it?
ME: When you were crushing on Kennedy, on her, I knew you would push me away and you kind of did... You're the only reason why I'm still here today. but I know that if I asked you out, you would say no...
NATALIE: Ali I care and love you..... if you hurt yourself that would hurt me too. If I made you sad I'm sorry, really, really sorry.
ME: I self-harm. Have since I was seven... I'm sorry. now you'll hate me because of it.
NATALIE: I DON'T HATE YOU! NEVER WILL! I don't care about your mistakes
ME: But you and I won't ever end up together. Would we?
NATALIE: Why wouldn't we? When do you move ..
ME: I have no idea when I'm gonna move. I'll be here for 9th grade. You're way too good for me anyways. That's why I thought you and I wouldn't end up being a couple. Am I wrong?
NATALIE: yes
ME: So what are you saying???
NATALIE: I'm not sure. Don't take that the wrong way ..
ME: I already can tell that you are way too beautiful, smart, cute and amazing for me. If I told you I loved you more then anything else in the world, you would be weirded out.
NATALIE: No I wouldn't.
ME: Dude, trust me, I'm never going to be with you, you're just being nice to me.
NATALIE: Shut the **** up. JK. But really...

Rusted and speckled..
Gone through the Great Depression.
I carried you with me everywhere
But when I needed you the most,
You weren't there.

My lucky horseshoe was left behind
On the days I rallied behind you and your luck,
Well I needed you for the final time.

It was Friday,
One last class to go.
I chucked you out the window,
not realizing that things needed fixing.
You were the only one who could do the fixing.

Standing on my own.

They say,
Don't. You'll just fall for her over and over again.
Maybe you're not worried about the falling.
You just don't want me to strike gold.

She said,
Don't. This was my fault. I'm sorry.
Maybe it was your fault.
You just can't see me make another mistake.

You said,
Don't.  You're the most important one in the end.
Maybe you just can't keep me away from the intersection of HeartBreak and Stupidity Lane.

I said,
Go.  I have so much to think about right now.
Maybe I have one thing on my mind...
And that's to ask you to give me a chance.

I can't keep on doing this
I have to  make things right
Between us...Just you and I.

I hit my rock bottom
When I looked into your eyes for the final time
I saw it
The hurt slipping from your eyes
Down your cheeks.

I just turned my back
Took off running
To a sanctuary that could save me

We're only in 8th Grade
I was gone from a world
Taken to another one,
Darker, vaster..
I threw the **** weights off my back
I came to the world of reality.
A world of happiness and love.

So I can't walk the halls on Monday
With you walking silently beside me
Both of us, together
I suppose a, "Hello" don't mean much

I won't ditch you because of a heart break
That's not who I am
You and I weren't supposed to be together
My world was spiraling out of control
About to explode when I heard you yell my name

And I will not keep doing this
I've picked myself up
Stopped the self-hate
Now I'm climbing up Everest
When I reach the top

I guess I'll call out your name
Like you yelled mine as I ran away
See if you call back
Because I have to make things right
Between you and I

I love you like crazy,
Only want the best for you. Happiness, love, security.
I'm sorry for being so isolated from you.
Can we start all the way over?
Get to know each other without the awkwardness of a crush?

You can still be
What you want to
When you first met me

Ever get that feeling of being cheated
Of being forgotten and excluded
Just because of your past?
I'm sure the blacks in this country
Feel the way I feel

Slip out from beneath the covers
Land on the floor,
Be stepped on
Time and time again,
People are creatures of habit
They slip a lie here
Put in a lie there
Hard to tell the difference
Now a days,
I just stick to myself,
Knowing what could've been

I rock myself to sleep
Counting the stars that are set in the sky
They're my night light
Never outgrow them

I whisper a silent wish
Hoping that one of the millions
Of little twinkling dots
Will save me from myself
So that I won't self-destruct

I throw everything up to them
Praying that a little angel
Will come and hear my silent cries
Guide me to all the desperately needed answers

I reach up to catch a shooting star
Burned a hole through my hand
Did I learn my lesson.. Yes.
Will I try to:
Capture that shooting star again,
That lone tear.
Yes.

They're my night light
Of little twinkling dots
Will come and hear my silent cries
Capture that shooting star again.

You can still be
What you want to
When you first met me

Ever get that feeling of being cheated
Of being forgotten and excluded
Just because of your past?
I'm sure the blacks in this country
Fell the way I feel

Slip out from beneath the covers
Land on the floor,
Be stepped on
Time and time again,
People are creatures of habit
They slip a lie here
Put in a lie there
Hard to tell the difference
Now a days,
I just stick to myself,
Knowing what could've been

How somber
It is as we crowd around this burial site
Where a once lively soul gets put to rest
An end to one Hell of a legacy
Closure and comfort,
As we say our farewell with a flaming red rose

Emptiness, Sorrow, Outcast
Starting to slip below the surface
Something in the way you act
Makes me feel like I can't keep going
So I'll become the outcast
Not a thing can change
What's already happened
Acceptance, Belief, Security
Beginning to realize there's a chance
Anything could be possible
Gives me the feeling of being indestructible
So I can be leader of my life
Maybe save someone who means something to me
Possibilities anew in my world
But this whole time,
That the clock keeps counting the hours, minutes, seconds,
I know that I'll be at the very bottom in a matter of hours.
Cause I can only seem to soar on the smallest of drafts.

Today was going to be the start of a new chapter
That today, I would start from scratch
Today was supposed to be a restart

So many people need saving
And I realized that
I can't save them all
Hell, I can't even save one

If I could take the blades away.
If I could take away the need to use a blade.
If I could steal every little bit of loneliness.
If I could capture all the pain and sorrow.
I would.

So many people need saving,
Hell, I can't even save myself...
So how in the Hell am I supposed to save somebody else.

Reach out a hand,
Talk and smile.
You don't know how much it might mean.
Save somebody
Revive a lifeless spirit.
Because so many people need saving.

Looking out on the watchtower
Seeing the birds freely fly,
Knowing that the landing zone will be gone
After today, I am no longer the same.
Seeing the birds freely fly,
Inspiration washes over my stress covered body
After today, I am no longer the same,
Being a leader.
Inspiration washes over my stress covered body
Trying to break free from my shackles
Being a leader
Building a nation of fighters
Trying to break free from my shackles
Knowing that the landing zone will be gone
Building a nation of fighters
Looking out on the watchtower.

I am from blades,
from Monster and Kodiak.
I am from the twilight skies on my rooftop.
Angled, Dangerous.
echoing low noftes bellow in the valley where I lay in pieces.
I am from the petals of the Oriental Cherries,
the eroded shoreline
that once safe sanctuary turned
to the eye of the hurricane

I'm from locking myself away from the arguements and
decorating my sister's grave with withered roses,
from Danielle and Grant.
I'm from the rip tides of grief and regret that follows my father,
and the lonesome, aged embrace of my brother,
from everything happens for a reason and
just keep fighting and maybe we'll be alright.
I'm from scorched dreams
And they've kept me afloat long enough
for me to locate and touch down in the shallows.

I'm from Irish, obvioulsy more then tipsy grandparents,
maple syrup rolls and Kool-Aid packets.
From the unfortunate instability of my brother's mountain bike
the speckled, flexed "glass" skin that holds my grandmothers spirit.

Tangled amongst the stinging nettles
Searing away all my past regrets
My background shocks my ground
Raising my cracked, frayed spirits to my spot that's atop the rooftop,
Getting lost in the city of constellations
I come from uncertain outcomes and fatally close calls.

Whenever I see
her tears,
It's time to dive right in,
and I'm already drowning
sinking to the ocean floor of her sorrow,
believing I could've prevented her river from flooding the banks, and
throwing my life preservior after her before she had gone overboard.

The switch of the sun is stuck on off,
and the dizzying waves
come crashing over my frail frame
slamming me below the surface.

Haunting stories to never be retold.
Nobody there to carry them
A firey blaze kept you going
then a heart break put out the fire
that's been burning for going on 13 years
And all of sudden,
your tears are bombs
Each one that drops from your war zone eyes,
narrowly missing me

But I'm hanging in there
For you
But that isn't my story. My story is
being the sirens that you could hear coming closer,
but that never actually showed up
at your doorstep,
that one pink leaf that gets flicked off the branch
which once promised hope.

So you uncoil from under the rubble
the foundation of your heart got blasted away
Some of it from your own error.
Unravel the white flag as I finally make out your figure
In all the darkness,
I somehow transform to that beacon
which is something you've been looking
for your whole entire life you've been flung around

Time to grab you,
hold you tight
and wait until the alarms become inaudible
summer after summer,
I layed there in my world,
taking in the fresh air.

And this whole time,
on another world,
held you
your misery,
your destroyed faith,
and the hope you used to treasure.
Everywhere you walk,
was a graveyard,
tombstones and rotted oaks
uprooted from your place on the shore
where you could look out at all those,
And to think..
this whole time,
I was just past the horizon,
searching for you,
trying to be that saving grace
you so desperatley needed.
If only I could wish all your worries away.
Let them become the stars
that shine so bright,
they outshine the moonlight.
Holding you close,
Bringing you back into the world of love and promise and security.
That is my story.
I wouldn't have one
without that first wave rocking me off my feet
falling a thousand feet down to slam into your troubles.

I prefer winter skies.
I prefer ties over skirts.
I prefer brown eyes to blue.
I prefer country over pop.
I prefer pears over the freshest picked apples.
I prefer my tears over my smile.
I prefer tall to short.
I prefer silence.
I prefer swim trunks to bikini's.
I prefer dim lanterns to light my way
instead of blinding factory flashlights.
I prefer rugby.
I prefer Sprite over Coke.
I prefer grey.
I prefer pins to brooches.
I prefer journals with ink spots splattered on every page
than a pristine piece of copy paper.
I prefer brownies.
I prefer salads over fries.
I prefer stairs instead of escalators.
I prefer longer hair over short on girls.
I prefer harsh gusts of wind that bites my skin
than muggy city "air".
I prefer Airwalk over Converse.
I prefer keeping in mind even the possibility that this world we're on
is going to just fade away
into nothing

My family is the house burning at the end of the street,
Ignited by my own struggles and failures.
We're all running for our own safe, sandy shorelines.
My dad is the book case,
Quickly burned, ruined, and forgotten about.
My mom is the concrete foundation, getting charred and battered,
Still somehow strong enough to carry us through the blaze.
My brother is the living room window, shattering into a million separate pieces,
Yet shining brighter then ever before in those little glass shards.
My "Sister" is the smoke alarm that saved my life
As I watched everything catch into a sweltering wall of fear.
I am the match that ignited the flame to burn my world to nothing but ashes
Which float in the bitter, smoke-clogged breeze
Used up
Overlooked by so many.

Never knew love
Would feel like an anxiety attack
And I never thought happiness
Would feel like a wall of bricks crushing all my depression away

Never knew a smile
Could shine bright enough to light up my whole world
And I never thought a look
Could unlock and open all of my dead-bolted doors

Never knew security
Would feel like a car crash
And I never thought assurance
Would feel like a warm blanket on a fall night

Never knew a hug
Could take my breath away
Never knew a whisper
Could paralyze my beating heart

I guess when you've found love
Everything you thought was impossible
Is just the start of the realm of possibilities

My stomach feels bloated,
My lungs don't work perfectly
My eyes get dilated
M skin gets red, bumpy, itchy
My knees do the same
I run to the bathroom..
Puke up a little bit of whatever
Then I go frozen like a block of ice
And I began to shake
Pull on my clothes again
Huddled underneath my bed sheets and fall asleep
Shivering uncontrollably and then catching fire
My body an earthquake

Each time my mom calls me for dinner,
It happens
I start to eat, feel nothing unusual
Then it hits
I start to feel sick at the sight of my barely eaten meal
And then I lose my appetite
Don't finish my food

Each time my friends and I sit down for lunch,
I watch while everyone enjoys their lunch
As I sit there and talk
Don't go to the line and pick up some food

Each time I get done showering,
I walk into the kitchen,
Pull out some bread even though I know I'm not going to eat
My stomach hurts a little
But I'm so used to it, I ignore it and keep getting ready for the day

The scale reads 115
When I step onto it
And the tape measure tells me I'm 5 3'

Please somebody,
What's wrong with me?

So there's this girl
Of course there's this one girl
She's got beautiful brown hair and eyes that shine brighter then the Northern Star
She's got a torn open heart that gives consideration and love to me
And her personality shines brighter then the headlights of any new car
Stood right behind me, wrapped her ever so gentle arms around my chest
Her soft voice said, "I love you" into my ear
I felt like I was home, Like I was in my own little nest
That was on a field trip...
She's got long perfect legs  that get me weak at the knee
She's got a soul that needs to be filled with love and security
And her life is like a weeping willow, a rotting, sorrowful tree
Walked alongside me, giggled shyly and with a smile
Her lips formed the words, "No you wouldn't be. You've got me."
Seemed like right then and for always,  was being tested, I was on trial
That was in the Commons...
She's got slim, nurturing arms and hands that make me melt
She's got emotions that run so deep, deeper then the Grand Canyon
And her story made me want to be her safety harness, safety belt
Sat beside me, staring blankly at the far wall with a depressed, dull look
Her actions took me by surprise, like a tsunami of optimism
Appeared as though she was hungry for love, and that was my specialty dish as a cook
That was in the Lobby...
There's this girl
Of course this one girl
After all of the things she's said and done,
I'm wondering..
If I should go for her.
Should I?

I don't want to give you the wrong impression
I play my nerves like a pro
I slam imaginary ice packs on my face so you won't notice my blush
I strut like I've got confidence

I laugh quietly
I say only the crucial parts
So I say everything
In an attempt to save your beautiful, loving soul

Focus on the positives
Raise your chin up high
Swim to shore
I'll say your name
Over and over again
The funeral..
The sleek, carved coffin...
The flaming red roses laid atop your body
Your sweet voice blowing in the wind
Reminding me of your favorite tune

Treasure how high you got me
Lift my head up higher
Paddle to the shallows
I'll whisper your last name
Over and over again
The moment...
The realization taking the wheel
The grey, limp clouds sprinkled over my skies
Your touch stinging on my shoulder
Reminding me of our last encounter

Where would I go?
Why would I stick around?
Now that you'd be gone
I'd run to the nearest cliff and plunge over the rocky edge
Or slip under the surface of the river
Maybe dash out into the road

I'd have no reason to carry on
'Cause I'm not strong enough to live out your legacy
Your empire
Glimpse your YouTube picture and kiss it Hello
I'd be seeing you in a few seconds.

But at the same time,
You're only a phone call away
Just need to pick up a stick and press the stars
And you'd be on the line, talking to me
Giving me reason to continue on

Every night,
You would be more alive then ever before
Because when you and I first met
I knew you were the girl for me
And you're different
Lighting a spark in my eyes that had been rained on by my tears

There's not another girl
Like you
Close to you
I'm going to take you so far up
You'll be saying goodbye to your room back in Heaven

Smiling like lunatics
Laughing until we sat in silence
I love you
Strive to make you proud
So I'd stick out down here
While you flew around upstairs

I was sinking from your beauty
Yet floating from your ambition

It's down pouring outside, just the sheets of wind and the clink of memories pounding my roof. Falling silent when the clouds stop crying for me.
The voice upstairs can
Praying for some sweet breeze from Georgia
'Cause I was born from dark weather
Thunder was booming
Lightning was breaking
Layers of warm, familiar rain has followed me wherever I go
As if to say
You'll be alright once the sun peaks over the mountain top

I'm turning out to be one Hell of a person
I'm starting to go insane
Or at least realize the fact that I am

The only connection to the normal realm of life
Would be my cat
I know she's sane, but not fully
She's like a Medium

My brain is deteriorating
Leaving me completely unarmed
It seems like I can't even use my voice or limbs without magnificent effort

Scenes go black in my head
A dark room turns a blinding white
So I shut my eyes
Go into a light but deep sleep for hours
Waking into a dim world
With strange voices from the TV

Break into a fever
My hands start dampening
And I have a feeling I've lost my sense of sanity.

I remember standing there
My closest friend
She said,
"If I could have any wish, I'd wish you could have a better life.."
Suddenly, the flames of the bonfire were lively
The heat finally broke past my clothes and touched my skin
Stars seemed to shine
The twinkle was in my eyes again
Moon was illuminating our globe

There was always this safety, reassurance
That I felt when I looked into her eyes
Or stepped into her house
It was family

And I've finally felt that tether that's been there since 1st grade
So please tell me that there's a genie in a bottle somewhere
I would wish for her to find everything she needs in life
And that nothing would go wrong
I'd wish that all her demons would vanish

I located my anchors,
Tugged on them
Ripped them from their bed on the bottom of my tear-filled heart
A portable, endless, deepening ocean

I found my demons,
Under the willow tree down by the river
Swaying between the branches in the lively breeze

Displayed courage,
Bragged about strength
But they lack hope and stability

Thunderstorms of bows and arrows
Skimming my skin
Grazing my gut
But I've..
I've stood in the line of fire many times before
My anchors rust away
My demons get ****** up into the weakening storm

I'm finally at the top of my game
Not going anywhere
Any time soon

I bid my farewell to my ocean of a heart
And I turn my back to the bowing limbs of my willow

I hate wearing bikini's or one pieces.
Instead, I rock out in swim trunks and a surf tee.
I hate wearing my hair down or all made up.
Instead, I stroll in a faux hawk.
I hate wearing a bra.
Instead, oh wait. I HAVE TO...
The downsides of being a tom boy.

It's a quarter to One in the morning
I'm sitting in bed going through old photographs
Remembering those days and naps
Luna's curled up on the edge of my bed, asleep.
I'm thinking about the poem I wrote you
About never feeling like this before.. About anybody
I can't sleep when I remember Math Class
And all the laughs we had together
My mom told me, " When you find that special person who you're close to,you'll share old photos and notes from when you were little. It'll be special"
I want to show you some old photos
We can smile and laugh or just sit there
I just want you to know how much you mean to me and how special you are
I'll watch the clock count the time for hours
Hearing your voice is all I need to be happy
Seeing your smile is all I need to get through the day
Remembering the times on the hill is all I need to pass a test
Smelling your hair to make me feel safe
You're all I need to be happy
And so I'll fall asleep thinking about all that we've done together
You're the bright side of everyday
You're my life saver

Layin' in bed
Watching the sun slip behind the knolls of grass in the distance
If happy ever after still did exist
I'd still be holding you like this
Laying in bed
Seeing the stars rotate in the darkness
Still stuck in that time we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise
Layin' in bed
Contemplating all that I gave to you
You stole my nights
And I let you...

I sprinted away as the clouds darkened. Across the bridge and into the middle of a road. I'll never be sad if I don't see it. Kye can't be ripped out of my life. He's the only thing I've really got. And by then, I'm sure it was all just a mean prank he pulled on me. There's no way that he can have cancer. It's dark in the forest and I never want to stop. Just keep going and going. I stop in my tracks and think of how selfish I must be to Kye. Running away because I'm scared and angry and confused. Kye needs me.  I take the shortest way back to the yard,crossing through roads and down by the creek. He isn't depressed or angry, he's just sitting there on the hood of a '85 Cadillac staring at the hood between his legs.
"I hate you!" I yell at him.
" Why?" he asks, confused.
" You told me you had cancer just to get me back!" I said, with a glare in my eyes.
Kye stays silent and looks to the sunset over the fence.
" It wasn't a prank," he says, monotone. Then I knew...
I'm still as a brick when he turns to face me.I see the worry in his eyes and just stare at him... That was the last sunset he would see with out a window in front of it.
Two months after that day, Kye passed away and left me to fight the world by myself. He used to be strong and muscular, but two months later, he was weak and limp. He knew he wasn't going to see another day and left me by saying that, 'you're nothing but infinite.'
To this day, I wake up and think about what he said to me before he slipped far away. It's what keeps me going. Everything I do now is for Kye and I know he isn't that far away. I quit school for a while to cope with everything that has happened in the last year. My uncle and mother died in a horrible fire and my dad was shot and killed on the job. Me and Kye were the only ones left to occupy the spacious house in Bend.
I'm infinite and keep fighting until the day I meet everything that has kept me going.

Small and fragile
Blooming into the bright light
I want this to be small and fragile
That stays somehow, in the shadows
I don't know how to phrase it
I want it to be untouched and small
Growing into something beautiful
I want it to be infinite
Special,
Just
Like
You…

Canopy floats around us,
Shading us from the brilliant sun.
You transform into the sun now,
Glowing and beautiful.
The gloss of your lips is all I see,
All I ever see, even if it's raining.
I'll always be your right hand man,
To trek the depths of our lives.
I stand at attention while you walk on by me,
Noticing me as just another one of your followers.
And the canopy floats around us.

Dancing around a whirlpool,
Yet laying on soft, sunny grass,
Clouds streaking by above me but,
All my eyes see is Talia's  hand slipping,
Over and over again the image plays.
I shut my eyes and rolled onto my side, and I can see the present day once more.
Stepping over blades,
Afraid of being cut again.
Dancing around a whirlpool,
Eventually I'll get caught.

When I pull up a new page on Word, I just want to fill it all up with words.
Words that could make it onto the front page...
I always seem to fail at this part.
I just want to be one of those artists who get noticed and people pay attention to what they post.
See? I'm starting to fill the page up with words.
Words that mean nothing.
They just sit there and stare at me waiting for their new neighbor that I pick.
Hey! There's an idea...
Write a poem or story about words.
But then again,
Who would read that crap?
I don't know what to write that would make it on to the front page.
I should just give up shouldn't I? That's what I'll do.
I am no great writer, just a lousy teen who throws a few words onto their computer screen
And marvels at it.

Were we really that tight anyways?
So we texted every day of the summer
So we laughed together in math class
So we were both supposedly bi

Were we really that close in reality?
So we knew everything about each other
So we always thought about one another
So we "actually" missed going to school

But were we really Best friends?
And we held each other when we cried
And we smiled every time we passed in the halls
And we protected one another in times of need

But that was just for one year
And then it suddenly went out the window
No more texts
No more laughs through class
No more bisexuality to connect us
No more knowing everything
No more thoughts of the other
No more missing school
No more hugs as we cried
No more smiles
No more protection

It's gone, and the chain that's been twisted and bent last year
Finally snapped and so did our bond
It's utter ******* about what you're claiming I did to Chloe
But I'm stronger then that
Because that year when we were close, was a major mistake

Was it real?
Is this real?

Because I'm not sure if I'm still alive
Or if I'm dead
And in the after world forever

Nothing can clear up this frightening question
But I also feel invincible simultaneously
Knowing that if I'm already dead, nothing can hurt me
Or at least not in the way I think..

Someone prove to me
That I can still feel
And lift the foggy confusion and doubts out of sight

I know I'm alive
If you show me you care for me
And take me to places I'd never imagine existed
Because all I need to know for sure
Is your love
And your hug

Currently, I feel so alarmingly lost
Like everything I've been doing
Is all a replication of my mortal life
And I NEED
I need you more then I ever have before
More then I thought I ever would
And more then I thought someone could ever need someone else
But you'll save me,
Nat.. You have to

Laying on the carpet in the living room
You only need a webcam and you're sis..
Spend hours just staring at the screen

Gradually morphing
Slowly transforming
Into the greatest version of yourself
And you feel so high

Cuz you know you're safe
In that moment when both of you are rolling around laughing

Never let me go,
Do you promise me that?
Or will you say you'll try
Then release me
So I can be at the mercy of the wind..

I get away from it
I turn the corner and it's out of sight
But then,
I forget to keep running
So I can never see it again
But it all of a sudden crashes over my life

The walls get reconstructed
Roads start to sag
My legs have nowhere to take me to
So I escape to the meadow that's at the back of my mind

And in the meadow,
There's a tire swing
And it takes me up into the clouds
So I can touch the golden sun

I'm not normal,
I don't come from a normal background..
Because I'm always on the verge of jumping
From the tallest thing I can find
Or the sharpest things
I can get my hands on

So call me a *******
For being trapped and not knowing how to get out
I'm ******* sorry
And I'm ******* ready to surrender
Unraveling the white flag that's hidden inside my sleeve

So you can say your goodbye to me
When you put my coffin into the river
And look on as I keep on running
Because there's nothing to forget about anymore..

I don't want to flick the light out,
the blazing marble strung up in the night sky casting shadows over and under and between solitary and vacant feelings.
Eventually being mixed into a whirl wind of havoc all the while the moon rolls behind the naked tree limbs and the boiling gold sphere peaks over the adjacent hills.
Slouching in piercing silence, nails stiffen because they're afraid of clinking to the ground. Ripping off all that you treck with.  
Transform to the torn sole of your shoe, breath in the sights.

Shove away from the wall and burst through windows, seeming unsinkable.
Still slouching in piercing silence.
Shadows seem to evade the clear, illuminated streets.
Toss your hat across the river, soaring like a dagger.
Gently gliding like a heron to crouch inside a thicket of your brain.

Trapping those thoughts girl, you know you have to shake them out.
They hold no shadows,
Just like Peter Pan.

White dies from feeling, existence, thought, memory.
Just like that ball of paper.
So let the snow vanish your tracks,
Watch out the window baby and see the whirlpool begin to swirl.
Pools of curiosity erupts within
And only then are you at your best.
Rub off the little flurries gathered on your shoulders.