Spinning in the dark
Looking for the summer light
Flying into the Kiwi's nest down under

Gasping for not breathed air
In the frosted midnight grass
Arching towards the muddied moon

Searching, wanting, craving
Needing that blade
To pour out all the wrongs
And set attention on the

untouched tomorrow

Crying, gasping, spinning, losing, gaining, loving, hurting
Unlatching

Christmas Wish Lists
Littering the beautiful cloudless sky
Where Santa and his reindeer will soon fill the gaps between the stars
And every candle will remember the generations gone

I'm scared to make my list this year
For I want things that I shouldn't.
And I'm scared to open the door.
So Santa, if you read this.
You won't need to land on my roof.
Because life is the best gift.

She needs just a body
A few stanzas
To fill in the gaps
Where the ribs should expand
But she has no breath
For she needs no air
To keep a heart pumping

Functioning on the smoke
From a joint
That glints in the moon light
Strewn across the lawn
In the night so clear
That she's her own New York

Everything's overdrive
Her daddy taught her how to inhale
And steal her heart away
In hopes that he could breathe again

And he stole her eyes
With the waves washing over him
The strands widening to form a pit
The pupils of New York
Is in the moon

You know the girl without a breath
For she yells the longest and the loudest
You know the girl without a breath

The bodies
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
My escape

The bodies
Quiet
Soft
Savoring it
The rush

Legs pried open
From
Africa
To
Australia
And the compass needles in between
Girls locked quietly down
As the
Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
But there's nothing but the wrong to drown out

Bloodied
Beaten
Broken girls
Stripped down to the concrete on the corner streets
Sought out shelter
Somebody see me in the light of the  street lamp

Stripped down to the shock
Of the same language
No matter what continent your feet are on
It's all the same

Thumping
Pounding
Drowning out
The wrong doors close
And the wrong sounds made
With your manhood thrusting apart her gates forcefully
Why would you not just ask

Bury me deep
*****, dark, dead
Let me go through the nights swift hand
Gently and softly
Abruptly, surprisingly
Unpreventable close
Bed of papers
Littered in the streets
Where the angels came to claim me
And He needed another heart and hand
But he does not set me free, he chains me
He does not bring good, he buried me  in the deep.
Now I am soiled
In the dirt of a martyr
In the dark of a beggars hands
In the dead of winters soundtrack

But he did no such thing as disrespect me

Just an e-mail
That floods the dam
And shoots a smile onto your face
That no choir director could ever put there

Just a connection
That crashes over the waves that drown you
And holds you to the stars in the night sky
That shine only in your eyes

When a simple e-mail
Makes you smile a childish, pure smile
And makes you cry after the first sentence,
Knowing
You have a connection

That somebody will ALWAYS be there
That you will NEVER be abandoned, stranded
It's quite honestly the best feeling a human can have
You have a reason worth more then gold
To pick yourself up
Put your feet one  in front of the other
Battle each battle like its your last

Just from an e-mail
Just from a minute to keep me alive and assured

I was falling from a skyscraper
A few seconds, a few more jokes
Until I hit the concrete and the light
flickered out into the black night and fog.
But you saw me frozen, lost
And you reached out your hand and gave me another chance.

A fighter, survivor
We're all one in the same after those 9 months of Hell

I love you more then words could even begin to describe
I don't think you truly know just how much you saved me.

We were supposed to let go of each other,
supposed to walk different ways
and
never
talk
like the beginning of awhile

We were supposed to split,
supposed to fall out
of a first love
and
keep the emotions
inside the chambers of a heart

We were supposed to,
But why does it still hurt
Raw, tender, stinging
Nearly 12 months
Later

We were supposed to,
So why can't I wash out my feelings for you
Love, admiration, security
Stapled
Into my heart
And I don't want to rip the remaining ones out

Were we supposed to
Bleed out?

I want to see the beauty
Of the winter skies crashing, drowning the soft summer night waves
I want to see the frailness
Of the leaves cracking beneath the tires, the feet, the paws
I wish to see happiness
Casting it into the purple grey skies too far for me to grasp between my sleek, scarred fingers
I want to see history
From the little flag crushed in the season's frayed grass. The pink seeping into the roots of the stripes and stars. My muddied blood.And I wish to see the wishing well sparkle in my war-zone eyes, as I toss not just a penny, but a past for my future.

I'm stressing
Present slipping downhill
Future not good enough
Past drags me down

No motivation to start working upwards
No idea where the tunnel leads to
No strength to let go of the old days

I'm stressing

I'm struggling
Chains wrapped around my neck, turning the lights down, even though it's my encore, my last shot to be here.
My family is chipped and cracking and fading colors of love and closeness are being wiped away with every independent meal we eat by ourselves.
My chains, I think they broke and one landed on the shoulders of my mother.
The one who can carry all of us out of a burning house..

A chain that's an anchor, that you can't just throw off or ignore the weight of.
No good morning or sleep well?
No more asking for help when she can't lift something too heavy
No more family dinners and talks
No more security

I'm growing up
Independent
Flying solo
Maybe
Maybe I'm just not ready yet, to be fighting the world myself and have the chains choking me.
Maybe my mother's voice is fading out because those chains of mine finally fell onto her shoulders. And it's all my doing, my weakness and my fault.
Maybe I'm the earthquake that's fraying and shredding our family ties.
Maybe they were right, maybe I need to go...

The colors
Brightening, lightening, darkening, dimming
Grey to green to fragile white skies
I'm crying because I love you
I'm crying because you're someone I believe in

The walks
The talks
The distance we traveled
Not only in miles, but in heartbeats
We just walked around the rings of Saturn and back

I wanted to maybe take your hand and hold it in mine
Grey skies, with the droplets splattering your neighborhood
I wanted to wrap my arms around your waist
Maybe rest my head on your shoulder to show you exactly what you mean to me

The crunch and scuffs
the background music to our walk
And I'm crying because I love you
Crying because I know that this girl who I think the world of
Would never want to be mine
And we'll never walk around the rings of Saturn again
I'll never feel like you took me to another planet.
A planet of hope and happiness and strength and support

Darkening, dimming
The lights are fading
And I'm wanting to take your hand
And take another walk tat leads us to Jupiter

I can smile because I love you

Hi Mom,
I've been trying to tell you and I already have, but you took it as a joke and when you ask questions , you've always had this tone of disapproval if I said yes. But mom, I'm a guy. Not a tomboy girl but like an actual guy that's just stuck in the wrong skin.
I don't want to be known as a girl. I never have because it's not who I am. I'm not your daughter, or Ali or anything that has to do with being a female. I'm pretty sure you could sense I wasn't ever a girl anyways. I've always wanted to be and act liek Sean and Dad. Not how you or Grandma would act. I want to be your other son, Jamie. That's who I am. That's who your youngest kid is Mom.
I feel super awkward whenever we go shopping for clothes because I don't belong in the girls section. I want to wear mens clothes mom, mens shoes and keep my super short hair. Because I'm me whenever I get the chance to wear mens clothes and be looked at as being a boy. And in public, when people mistake me for a guy, I actually really like it because that's who I actually am.
Mom, I'll be a high schooler next year and I want to be known as Jamie. A guy. School would be a lot easier and better for me if I was known as and reffered to as a guy. Plus, I wouldn't get second guessed all the time if I were a guy. And I know you'll probably say, "No. I'm not going to call you Jamie or male pronouns and you're not going to dress like a guy." but mom, this is who I am. And I'm going to be me, no matter what.
I love you a lot mom, and I would've told you sooner or later but now I can live as me and not have to worry about being a girl. I'm still your second kid too, I just go by a different name and gender now. And to be fair, you've never really had a daughter in the first place, just a son trapped in the wrong skin and clothes. I love you and am glad I can live my life as me.

Love,  Jamie

****** boy, ****** boy
You're playing with the wrong toy
That truck is only for the boys

Lost girl, Lost girl
Put on a pink dress, spin around and twirl
That's what you're supposed to do

****** boy and Lost girl
They're one person, their life is unfurled
A hell washed over hir and now hir head's underwater

H. I. R.
Not a her or he clearly

And I want to just scream, no
But ****** boy put down that toy
Lost girl, go put on that dress and twirl
My mind says trucks and mud
But the bigger people say to twirl

And so I twirl
Around this world, placing my feet on the continents
Singing to the oceans as I glide on top of them
And so I twirl..

But maybe I want to watch while my daddy's fixing our car
And maybe I don't twirl the way all the girls do
Maybe I have a rougher, less eloquent twirl

But Maybe I want to listen as my brother's talking football plays
And maybe I don't have the brightest, girliest smile
Maybe I've got one only fit for a boy

Maybe I want to play with trucks until the sun hides
Maybe I want to be the quarterback on the field
Maybe... I want to make cities in the sand box

Maybe it's because... I am a boy.

You're everything I want to be. You have everything I've ever wanted. You live what I want to live and you don't even notice me reaching out to save myself. I'm starting to think you only say you love me because that's what family is supposed to do. But really, you could care less about me now that you're off for two or three days at a time, getting back at 3 a.m. And I couldn't care less if I woke up tomorrow morning or not..
People want to read my life, want to know my life, then you might as well replace me and let me free from always being picked on and teased and underestimated and criticized because of who I love, what I choose to wear and how short I have my hair.

My grandmother said that I was the light of her life but it's because she doesn't have anything really going on in her life anymore. She'll question every little thing about me, and eventually, I'm on the verge of yelling at her to just let it all go and ready to cry..

The words are starting to cut deeper than they ever have before, I'm at a crossroads on my life and all I can go is down to sink to the floor and right now, I just want to stay there for a long time. I haven't cried so hard in my life and if this is misspelled then I'm sorry because I can't see the keys clearly from my tears.. I know most of you who happen to read this, will think, 'oh **** it up, it's nothing.' but it means something to me and it's going to affect my future right now in this moment.

Feeling in the wrong body = Wrong
Wanting to sleep for a few hours = Wrong
Laying out in rain soaked grass = Wrong

I want to try and wake up when everything's a lot more right.

I'm the unwanted one
The second kid
The youngest
The annoying one who won't go away

I swear, they want to get rid of me
I'm all problems
I feel so alone
I've been used

They mock me constantly
They destroy me with ease
They wonder why I've been depressed
They ignore me, push me away

My parents did everything they wanted to with my brother
And now, they just don't think I'm here
They wished I wasn't in the family

I just don't know where to go
Stick up to them, nothing happens
Hide away, and I die inside...

I'm nothing
But a freak, a misfit, a ******* mistake
A regret, a loser, an ***

I hate myself more then anything else in the world
I want to rip my skin apart
Break windows and bust down doors
Nothing will ever be good enough for people
I want to end it all
I'm done
I give up

I'm giving in.
I'm nothing.

You took me up so high. Higher then the Empire State Building. You took me up higher then my drugs could. You're the reason why I gave up my drug addiction and fought to be free. I've been clean ever since that night you helped me come down off my dirtied high. Thank you.

You dragged my sorry *** up off rock bottom and I've still got some cuts and bruises from then, but it's gonna be the reason I'm still alive in 2080. Same goes for you babe. Thank you.
You yanked me off the edge of the bridge near my house on a dark, rain-soaked night when I thought there was no one who loved me and wanted me. From that night on, I silently promised you each time I walked on the bridge, I would make it to the other side. I'm still here today... Thank you.
You held me the day after the "Suicide Night" happened and I was scared of the shadows.. of everything. You told me that I'd be okay... that you'd be right there with me and you wouldn't let them take me. You never once gave up on me. I'm alive because you held me for all the days until summer came. That's the best decision you'll ever make. I owe you. I love you. Thank you.
You're why I cried myself to sleep most nights since 1st Grade. I wanted to be perfect for you.Be your tiny little Romeo even though the world knew me as a little girl. You've always been that Juliet every boy dreams about. I felt like I was bringing you down. But I guess I wasn't somehow. Thank you.
You're the sole reason I'm so strong and brave. Brave enough to tell you all my filthy, ****** problems. Brave enough to trust you with my life. You're never gonna let go of me. I'll hold you forever. Thank you.
You're my wish on Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we'd all wish for one thing we wanted to have or happen and every ******' year, I wished for you to live forever and be happy. I regained my belief in miracles because of you Taz. Thank you.
You're the one and only thing I'm grateful and thankful for in my life. Nothing's worth you and our bond. At dinner on Thanksgiving, I would look to the window and say, "I'm grateful that Tasman's in my life and she gives me a world worth living in." Every ******* year baby. I love you with all my heart and everything else. Thanks.I hope I could do the same for you.

Through this day, I'm spinning out of control
Crashing into my fate in the form of a dead soul
And I'm praying to some God I don't believe in
Trying to make all my wrongs right as I'm sitting out on the corner, holding a can made of tin
They see me as a ghost
Thinking I have it better then most

Going broke
My home is under the branches of an Oregon White Oak
The fire's dying
Everyday I'm trying
The men in the suits
Don't give a **** that I'm living in a cave of roots

This is the future that's now not so clean and clear
Darling, I know a home seems so far away, a light year
But we can stick this out
Sometime we'll have rain, no longer a drought
Just stay with me another night
For tomorrow, we'll get up and fight.

Hearts pounding,
The suicide alarm in your head is sounding
My key just broke in half
Nobody's around to laugh
So I walk to the door
Knowing exactly what I'm looking for

December walks in the fading light
My face turning a pale white
Looking out on the river, seeing the Black Sea
My eyes seem to deceive me
I close up like a dead flower
At night, my head turns into rush hour

The voices
They seem to grow nearer with all my choices
Trapped in the back of a car going up in flames
And the police are tryin' to get my parents names
But it was already too late
I was headed over since the age of eight

Nothing but an empty room
And now all that's left is a filled tomb
I took a girl with me as I went
Two lives got spent
Makes me go numb
My pulse is racing... a drum

Swirling out of reality
My strength is sinking, just like my mentality
To stay here, to stay alive
There's a ember inside of me, to survive
Loving lost ones
The burden of it weighing tons

Heart's pounding,
The suicide alarm in your head is sounding
December walks in the fading light
My face turns to a pale white
The voices they seem to grow nearer with all my choices
Noting but an empty room
Now all that's left is a filled tomb
Swirling out of reality
My strength is sinking, like my mentality

14 balloons floating in the wind, hitting electrical wires
14 kittens running around in the yard, perfect prey for the Hawks
14 unmatched socks laying by the fire, catching fire and burning down the house
14 years of living on Earth, wanting it all to end
14 will be where it stops

I know I say I hate you
And that you're just some fat old *****
Or that I want to **** you most nights
And that I wish you were never born

But I would be dead right now
Always had someone who would keep me warm when I was in a cold world
Never missing a chance to say goodbye on my way out the door
Giving me this look of love and respect.

I love you more than a person could love their pet
You were my life support through 7 of the worst years in my life
And I love your sweet purr as you fall asleep in my arms
That grin on your little face makes all the sleepless nights worth it

You won't be around forever
I wish I could live the rest of my life with you tapping my leg for more Friskies
Nothing can bring me up from my lows like you can
Just a plop in my lap
That's my reason to keep fighting for life
Because of you.

I love you buddy, I won't let anything happen to you.
I love you more then I could ever show.
On the darkest nights, you somehow tell me to just pull the sheets up and sleep
On the hottest days, you still lay on my legs
I love you cat. I love you Luna.
Even though it may not seem like it.
You mean the world to me. I love you.

Speaking softly to yourself.
She's in the room across the hall.
And you're afraid to cry if she hears you..
Just speaking what you're going to ask her.
"Mom, would you let me be a guy?"
And all of a sudden, your whisper is shaking
and tears of worry and shame slip down your cheeks

I feel more lost
And yet more found on this night
I pace in the mirror
pull out a pink sweater shirt
"If you like how you look in this, don't tell her"
I think as I pull it over my shoulders
I hate how I look...
It's not me.
Grab my skater jacket and cover up the pink
And then I smile. This is me.
I have to do it one way or the other.

Wrapping my arms around your familiar body
Making a wall of Hope and Happiness around the two of us
Creating a world where we're the ones to thrive
Your warmth is nice
And your cheeks are the color of a perfect peach

Roaming in your forest
Gleaming gold rays drip through the canopy
You're laying right in one of them
Looking so perfect, I can't help but smile
Nothing could break us
Because I built a shield of Faith, Strength and Unbroken Promises
Garden glove in garden glove, walking back
They call her Love.
I call her Life.

When there's nowhere to turn
I'll call your name
When you think you're done for
Quit fighting
When there's no light
Close your eyes
Stay strong.
The worst is over.

This is me
You call me by the name of Ali
But if you really knew me
You would call me Jamie

This is me
You see me in a skirt and make-up on stage
But if you knew me
You would see how badly I want to be in a suit and dress shoes

This is me
You know something about me doesn't click
But if you honestly, truly, really knew me
You would know what's wrong

This is  me
A girl with tomboy actions
But if you took a second look
I'm a guy who got trapped in the wrong body

This is me
This is Jamie
This is me
This is a suit and dress shoes
This is me
This is currently a mistake
This is me
A guy who got trapped in the wrong body

Groove to the music
Too many fish in the sea to miss one
If you caught one, you can catch another one
Breathe air, you're not used to
Tread floors, you don't fall through
Wait for me as long as it takes
If you caught one, you can catch another one

This world
This planet
This Earth
This sphere of sand and mud and rock and leaves and water...
This "home"

Will not last forever
There's going to be a time
When we split in half maybe...
Or we just implode from rotting

This whole thing
Why the Earth even exists
Why people were created
Is pointless when you think about it
Because in the end
We were just an experiment
This whole thing... was just a test

When we think we're getting somewhere
We aren't
When we're falling lower then we ever have before
We're just heading towards our self-destruction
So who cares if all of a sudden
Everything we know.. just quits
And it all ends?
Who cares about saving a self-destructing mass of material?

Diving down
Feel the murky bottom in your fingers
Spinning down
Connect with the roots
Ancestors watching over you
In the sparkling blue sky
You see a new start.

Scratched, scuffed
Your soul pressed into each pedal
The bike's taking you places you've never even heard of
******* it all in
Wanting someone there to see it with you
But you go on alone.
Getting lost in all the possibilities
The future holds

Look into the hourglass
And see that the gold sand, is still running
Less and less is falling
The mound is growing, filling up the river
Elementary days, becoming murky layers sticking to the bottom
But patches still shine in all the cool, inviting darkness
We can do this
36 more months of school
And we'll be together again

What if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep?
We are like Young Volcanoes
We are the jack-o-lanterns in July, setting fire to the sky
What if it makes you lose Faith in me?
If my heart is a grenade you pull the pin
A constellation of tears on your lashes
What if I what I want makes you sad at me?
Anything you say can and will be held against you
Thanks for the memories

They hide in the dark
All of a sudden, something in the closet falls
Dead silence
Something moves beneath your bed
A light randomly dies out

Stranded in the darkness
Your windows open
Don't want to go near to close it
Petrified in paranoia
Your cat wakes up.. Won't stop staring at your window
Moving around in your bed, the noise of the rustling sheets
Makes you think you'll alert them that you're hear
Brick still now..muscles clenched

Afraid to breathe
To blink
To move a centimeter out of place
Just stare at every part of your room
Something falls off your wall
Lands on the messy floor of your room
Seems the hours until light won't come quick enough
Trapped in the night
You think you see a little girl walk right through the door
There she is, standing tall.
Looking directly your way.
Takes a step closer to your bed
Staring directly at you, smiling.
A man with a gun tucked in his belt, wearing a large jacket
He steps through the door too

Clamp your eyes shut
Waiting for them to end you
You doze off..
Feels like the little girl has climbed inside your bed and is asleep next to you
You think the sheets are moving as if she's breathing
And the next time you open your eyes,
The sun is breaking the eerily shadowed room you were locked in
Survived through the night.
Gear up for the next one.

Head's throbbing
The demons have come, they're robbing
Everything I hold close to me, nothing's staying
My life is what I might end up paying

Not a thing in this ******* world
Is worth having all your happiness wrecked, your life unfurled
And you have to be punched day after day
Hiding in the shadows, praying that everything would just be okay

Razors become friends
After tonight, you don't even care if your tattered body mends
Mirrors take a shot at your heart
Force you into believing things will be better if they come from a shopping cart

Nothing's quite real
Your senses shut down, you get to the point where you can't feel
Locking yourself into the deepest hole
People try to save you, they pry at your bunker,  and it's starting to take its toll

You reach the bottom.. You go head first
Anybody could see your want for love, an undying thirst
Your best friends smile can't even make life worth living
This ******* world you got chained down in is unforgiving

Caught in daze
You're trapped in the back of the worlds hardest maze
You go in a million circles for nine years
Seems as if you're soul is being sold by an auctioneer

You're worthless
As the days go by, you become mirthless
A rope is there, you know where it leads
But you know that it leads to major needs

Slip off your ledge
Here at the bottom we all silently took this pledge
That we would all end life together, unified souls
All that we would leave behind were coals

Then one by one, we fought back
We were tired of all this grey and black
Fought for each breath
No longer dancing with death

We were going to make it out of here one way or the other
We climbed for our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers
WE could make it through Hell
We were getting out of this city.. Done listening to that ******* city bell

Fighters, survivors, all one in the same
Our passion had come back to us, we wanted the gold and the fame
Of being a somebody, of being worth something someday
Honestly, if you want to live like us, to  live like a stray

Go ahead, be my guest
See what it feels like to be on Suicide Road strapped into a death vest
You threw away gold Riley. You just threw it away.
Once we shut off the lights and close the door, you'll just self-destruct and decay.

I love you way too much for you to go down
Your prince, he wears the most beautiful crown
But babe, I promise you, he won't be down there
Listen to me, I've been there and you know what.. I'm stupid enough to care

Things may not be perfect
And this whole wanting to change is just a side effect
If you slip too far, you're in the eye of the super storm
You'll be dead or near to it.. I can't let you go and try to see you transform

So don't go Riley. Please.
You're standing at the door
In my hand are the keys.
If you want them, you and I'll have to go to war.

Your love cut deep
Like a razor into my wrists
I couldn't stop bleeding

Your love struck hard
Like a baseball bat hitting my mirror
I couldn't stop breaking

Your love stung constantly
Like a hive of bees to my reality
I couldn't stop itching

Your love sliced me up,
shattered me,
made me hospitalized

I held the key
Clicked my lock shut
Before I blacked out
A twisted city black out
Neon lights gave way to the opening
My wounds healing along the way
Dripping ****** regrets and sorrow wherever I wandered
Maybe someday, a girl will come along and find the trail
I lay in a heap, to wrecked to be saved

She sees a perfect, dream car
It just needs some work..
One heart break put  me here
Can I afford to risk it again?

It was exactly 2:00 AM...
You had lost your cool
Only this time, was the last time
The little water left had finally boiled over
And now there's nothing left inside
***, ****, Crack, ******... Acid... Over Dosing...
Getting high, mentally exploding couldn't even do it anymore
And through your eyes, I guess I looked like:

Like a monster in your space show
Crushing the man in the moon, your best friend
Droughts would come into your life
Nobody helping, people running out of your heart
You caught easy like a lighter
Followed by a monsoon of angry tears and heavy depression
You sank to the bottom like a boulder
Nothing could stop these seasons
As I look back, you were incurable, made to self-destruct

I turned out to be the destroyer
Smashing ambitions and to be honest babe,
Your future darkened because of YOU, not me.
Yeah, I'm sorry I had to say goodbye, we all are...
It didn't help that I couldn't love you how you wanted me to.
A part of me went with you once you left Earth
And for some reason, I don't want it back.
Babe, Suicide Street has a cross on the side of the road in front of the old Oak.
Scratched into the little white wooden cross, is your name: Vail Hawkenson
Suicide Street just grew a little darker.
Now there's thunder booming, lightning cracks.
You're home now.

The flames making a forest
I got trapped in all the hazy heat
Everything that mattered to me caught in the inferno
My body said to fight
My mind said it was pointless to try.

I lay there
All the safety nets came toppling down on me
Helpless, abandoned, trash, stranded is what I thought I was
Hell, mayhem, and isolation had taken the controls
The terrorists I had been brought up to fear and hate
Had destroyed my life.

They slammed right into my World Trade Centers
My Hope and Fate had jumped off the sides with my Happiness
While  my strength burned inside my heart
Everything ruined to embers and ashes
Now today, I am finally here, I've survived Hell.

I've gotten the rubble pull off me
And I'm done falling
'Cause I've made it to the ground floor
I can see the the smoke clearing, blue skies flooding in
Staggering up, my battle scars are proof
That I made it through Hell and back.
My terrorists are gone, sinking to the ocean floor with anchors of passion
My passion that's sinking, will be taking me to the top.

What's gonna happen when all that's left of you is an empty chair?
The sun won't be as bright.
There will be a shade over my world.

What's gonna happen when the messages stop popping  up in my Skype account?
The Hope will start to sink that you had still remembered me.
There's nothing to believe in anymore.

What am I searching for?
I've been shaken down to my core
Nothing's out of place
Everything belongs where it is, in its case
I just never had it
So now in the dark, I take a lantern that I've lit
To go looking for it, wandering as I go
Where it is, who it's with I don't know
Slipping slowly down the drain
I'm starting to feel less and less of this pain
As I make my way alone on this path
I finally begun to figure out the math
I have half of my heart
And I know now, that I can't find it in a shopping cart
I may have to take the trip a million times more after this
But maybe, I'll meet a girl and I will know, in just one kiss
And the lantern will no longer be lit every night
Because I have a love that leads the way as she hols me tight
So in the dead of winter
If she's away for the night, I'm sure going to miss her
But she will always be in my heart
And I will love her forever and always, even if we are apart
Sleeping through the darkness and fears
For in my dreams, all of the nightmares, she clears
And I am safe in her arms
Don't care if we're in the city or out in the country on a farm
As long as I have her I am complete
No one is better then her, so no need to compete
For we were meant to be all smiles and laughs
Put bubble beards on one another in our baths
However long this journey turns out to be
I will find the girl, with her perfect heart and I with the perfect key

Can you really tell?
Which helping hands are true?,
and which are imposters
Which ones will take your hand when you slip,
and not let go?
Or which ones will be held out but will push you down and pull out of the way when you fall?
Can you really tell?

They're all around,
the fakes and the friends.
The ones who laugh behind you, but smile when you spin around
Or the ones who defend your back and hug you when you turn around
Or how about the ones who laugh at you all the time?
They're the ones to stay.
Can you really tell?

Cause I can tell,
My sister's the real deal.

(I'll always be there to protect you.)

-Tasman

I will always hear you calling,
Your pleas impossible to miss-
A cry from the dark
A shadow breaking heart.

Well, it's time you shattered your shackles
Broke free from your bonds.
I'll tell you what, I've got the temporary key
But you hold the permanent one.

It's held within you. Just keep searching
Inside you is a maze
lost in the back.
I have a map.

So no matter how badly you get hurt,
how many times you fall,
I will always pick up the pieces
and glue them back into place of your puzzle frame.

Cause I will never give up on you.
Always got your back in a fight, even if ya don't got mine
You're worth my everything, I'd give it all up
Just to see your face lit with one more smile.

-Tasman

Hey Love,
What's going on for you to walk out on me?
I thought you had walked in and decided to stay. Please don't go so soon because me without you just simply isn't the same. I'm gripping onto the little shreds you left of my heart and I'm trying to figure out how I make it whole again. Maybe someone else has the other half that I'm searching for. That I will treasure until time ends.
By the way love, since you've been gone, I've been trying to understand why my heart is the place where people go.. Knowing that it's so fragile and trashed. Probably because they think I won't notice if there's a new dent in the wall of my heart because it's already so damaged.
No matter how much you try to throw me off the road. There will be a girl there, with you in their hand, ready to fix me and make me perfect. And when I see her, I will give her the little shreds of you to show that I love her with all my heart. They see me, a far from perfect person, perfectly and I couldn't ask for anything better.
Love, promise me that you will grow a little more day by day once she gives you to me. For I hope to be able to rip a piece of you and give it to her. Promise me, she'll never stray far from me. And if I call her name at the end of the day, she'll be there and I can be at peace for the night and make it so that the breathtakingly beautiful sunrise will be there when I look into her eyes every time.
So love, I will meet you one day and you won't be leaving me. I look forward to that day when I find The Girl who holds you in her hands, waiting to find me and wrap me up. But for now, I'll keep fighting to hold onto the shreds of you that were once intact. I'll see you down the road. I won't let you go. Because you're out there somewhere.

I thought of angels
Choking on their halos
Get them drunk on rose water
See how ***** I can get them
Pulling out their fragile teeth
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

I thought of demons
Burning in their flames
Dump some Holy water on them
Look at how they're clean
Ripping off their pointed horns
And snap off their tail

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

Drop the ball
See the reflection swirling
Like snowflakes on the first of December
Showing you how to see simplicity

Front row seat
Up close to the ones who hurt you the most
Now you take the key
And you hold it
Brave enough to start driving
While the moon drops
And you watch the reflection of hardships in the rear view mirror

I can't go back home
Because all that's left is a little flag
Laying in the blood soaked grass

And the blue of the flag
Now just black
With pink stars in the corner

I have to go back home

I miss you
Your story in your eyes
I miss you
Your light touch
I miss you

I miss you a lot
I miss your Axe
I miss you a lot
I miss your comforting, strong hugs
I miss you a lot

I love
Your freckles
I love
Your smile when you make me laugh
I love
Your giggle when I make you happy
I love
Your jeans that I lay my hand on
I love
Your hands
Your legs
Your eyes
Your hair
Anything about you
Makes my heart crazy

Let it roll in
The tide will be rising
Watching the waves
Caught in a trance

Higher and higher
We climb
The moon is within our grasps
Our dreams will finally be safe

We take shelter
Hiding ourselves from the lamp in the solar system
Wishing to shine as bright as that sun
Knowing what could've been

Hang onto me as you slide
Sinking deeper into the mud
Fence posts buckling from the unstable ground
Wishing to be a post, changing but standing still tall

Hug me while we watch our dreams slip out of sight up on the hillside
Walk with me as the sun steals our shelter
Dive down with me as the tide rises and the waves take us down
Kiss me when we go down in the mud
Because I'd never try and escape from the mud if you were by my side.
We'll be laying in a forest of kelp.
Through the branches of seaweed, I found you.
We climb higher and higher.
Dive deeper, deeper.
Watch longer and longer.
Hide more and more.
Slide quicker, quicker.
As Mother Natures rolls around us.
Nothing but good memories to treasure for tomorrow.

It's not really a goodbye
Or farewell
Still is my life
Still in my life
It's more of a See you soon

Saying goodbye is one of the most hurtful things to go through
But when you're walking tall
Through the flames that were your Hell
Everything in Hell
Made you stronger.

Goodbye means you shut a door.
Saying goodbye to memories as I lock the door.
I promised to throw away the key.
But if I throw it into the fog,
I'll be slipping through the cracks again.

Don't want to go back down into the slew of depression.
Don't think I'm strong enough to pull myself out again.
Don't say goodbye.
Please. I'm crying out into the dark.
I won't let you say goodbye to me.
I promised you, you did the same.
We don't break promises.

Lost and then found,
But the door is still locked.
We're looking for another way in.
Will we ever find it?
Are we supposed to find another way in?
Time to say goodbye.
Just not to you.

Whispers in the dark
Yet they're screaming out my name.
I'm sorry, I just don't care about you anymore.
Needin' the shine of the stars
To guide me on my way.
Back home, I'm wrecked again.
Glad you had a good time.
But the party's over now.
And you're still hungover...
You got high off those **** whispers right?
I think you're just too love drunk to tell the difference.

Bring it on,
I'll gather all my soldiers
And we'll go to war.
Quit sweet talking baby.
You'll get run over.
Tell me this isn't what you wanted
And I'll bring you those whispers again.

So let the battle begin
Head down the side streets of suicide
It's all too much isn't it baby
All to much for you to take.
And you're running, running,
You're running for cover, for your life.
So let the battle begin.

Coping with the wounds,
Bleeding out your sorrow.
I'm not sorry for ending you.
I loved the way you made me feel.
Holding in all the bad in life.
Led me on my way.
Back home, I'm wrecked again.
Not there to clean it all up.
Left alone in the new light...
You're looking for a new high
Find Satan for me will you?
I've got to say something to him.

Come and get me baby,
Drag me back.
I've been waiting to fight.
And maybe to end it all.
Try to cut my wrists again.
You'll be the one who ends up bleeding.
And you ain't got nowhere to hide,
Go ahead and take shelter in the open baby.

So let the battle begin.
Head down the side streets of suicide
It's all too much isn't it baby?
And you're running, running
You're running for cover, for your life
So let the battle begin.

I was sitting on the curb
Waiting to see the people who were just like me
Mom was explaining things to me
My brother felt like he was home. That these were his people.

Inside my head,
I'm screaming these are my family.
On the outside, I'm watching all the people walk across the street.
Hear the rev of motorcycles.
Hear comes the ***** on Bikes

Girls who I thought were boys
Didn't really know what a **** was
Until I looked into the street.
Man. That duct tape had to hurt when they took it off their skin.

Looking back at that day
I barely knew anything.
Hell, I barely knew the what "You'll live like a ***** babe." meant.
Things were never hard just because I was Gay.
Relationships are what made my life Hell.

A Year Ago Tomorrow
Was the day
I found it wouldn't be the same again.
A Year Ago Tomorrow
Marks the day
I came to terms with who I really was.

I have Pride.
Always wore it on my sleeve.
When things got bad..
They were because of anything but that.
Except for a girl
Which I loved with all my heart
And if I wasn't Gay..
My heart would still be intact.
But I've got Pride.
And I ain't afraid to wear it on my sleeve.

Disruptions
Distractions
Diss school.

Hate
Horror
Hopeful peers.

Memories
Magic
Marching away.

Light
Laughter
Longing summer.

We've finished the worst chapter of our lives.
We made it.

Tripping and hoping to latch onto something or someone
So far it's been nothing but slipping into a ditch
Maybe this time I can be okay.

My dad was strong,
My mom gave me strength
This family of mine, well,
We're all survivors

Disaster will not break me.