i
get
high
off
you

Grown ups always ask children what they want to be when they grow up. When they would ask me I would reply with the first idea that came to my head. One day it was a vet and the next a teacher. And then when I reached the fourth grade it hit me. A writer.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A writer.

When I got a little older I read a quote by John Lennon and everything changed. Suddenly, when asked what I wanted to be, I wanted to be happy. Just happy. It's that easy.

Now I have realized that I'm only good at being nostalgic. Granted, nostalgia is a form of happiness because you were once happy and that's what creates that infamous cloud of sadness. But it's a longing sadness.  And maybe I'm only good at longing; desiring the distant.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
*I believe I am already grown, and I am nostalgic.

I saw you today.
I didn’t mean to see what I saw, but I saw it and you cannot unsee that. I’m sorry.
I saw you with her and that just did not look right to me, and I know you will probably never understand why I feel the way I do.

As you walked away, my heart hammered a bit too hard in my chest and I realized something…

You are only a silhouette. An outlined piece of darkness.

Darkness is all you have ever been.
It took me eight sentences to understand that
(though I know you will still never understand me).

And for that, I am sorry.

"As bad as you were for her, I don't think you understand how much worse it will be if she goes back to him."

"But he makes her happy."

"No, he makes her crazy."

Instinct is not survival.


Instinct is you.