When I wake up I’m surrounded by the scent of his skin, the scent of cool rain and grass.
I can still feel the stinging near my spine,
but it's not as overpowering
as the nostalgia of the scents-
It's hard to hate a backstabber
when they were your backbone.

My mental slip mentality; thoughts and feelings in the 'flesh':

Slamming head on a metal board of bunk bed mass,
Body in a cold sweat of hyperventilation,
Hyperbass flute of a banging heart; Brass knuckle BUMP THUMP.

Ribcage rattlers!! Running for the communal like an athlete-
Legs a gelatin mold of fabricated lies; Sliced as unevenly as the cursive words that spell "Hell No! Run!".

Fight or flight-ing the oxygen entering your lungs-
Baby girl slow dancing into an acrobatics show,
Flips and whips of cardiovascular hyperactivity
WHEN
My heart even glimpses at what it once was!!

So scorching flames of liquid lead
Drip through bathroom faucets, fogging and filming over it ALL...

My nightmare is scratching at my skin!!
Crap... ****** finger breaths when you understand.

Head in hands
Sobbing your oxygen back into your lungs
Icy air from windows
Blending with the muddled confusion of other campers
And the fog of every scorching faucet
Wrapping me in a tense comfort.

Inhale, exhale.
Don't touch me.
Can't name me from the crowd of children in your wake..
I'm a loaded gun,
****** nails
for
Eruptive violence.
Known as the mental one.

The gradual silence of other showers shutting off
And dispersing of clustered adults and youth.


Finally, you arrive.
This time I'm fully clothed.
Red from scorching my demons
With my screeching, panicked roar.
You calmly float by...
And panic attack central is pierced-

finally.

The beige-blue cotton
and
Light pink sandals
Move close-

Flicking off the shower.
Offering her hand, not to hold, but to observe.
5 fingers, 4 pinks, 3 spotted, 2 lined, and one bent.


Keep it together.
If you falter again, those looks from
CAMP NOWHERE
Will put you in
THE HOLE.

'she', therapist and friend along with them.

(IN MIND)
You aren't crazy, baby...
Just scared.
So, SO scared.
Of yourself.

Count
What you can see.
5
4
3
2
1

Smashing bricks, walls we built around us.
Gaurd our emotions! Before they are seen!
Don’t let us be discovered as damaged goods without a receipt-
Don’t let us be tossed...
I like coffee black and tea white as paper,
creamy misconceptions
and soul-shaded wake-up calls.
------------
I'm tired

Knees skipping around on tar-traced street corners,
blood sleeping like the wine in DRIVER'S cup.
Purple-blue bruises boil over into the left lane-
Like the car that hit her.
Swerving, cruising, napping away.
Gentle hum and reckless sways turn into a
Crunching thud, splattering what COULD be a puddle onto
the roads.
Slippery smooth frost, lover, except winter was now called
DRUNK...

Knees the color of a powdered apricot-
Red POOLING around the body...
Past the legs..,
Into hell, 'cause her body would never be with her soul again.

And he
KEPT
ON
CRUISING.

When you said forever, it locked me in a cage.
Your words put down spells- smells of sage
To smoke out the spirit in ME:
A hollow cavity...
chest-thumping, pumping oxygen-
ribs rattling with cough.
yet the spirit up and flew away
When you said yesterday.
As I woke up in bed
'It's safer If I leave instead'.
And maybe I will whither.
hitherto I'm fine, I exist:
naught beyond these walls of anxiety to hope for or land to roam;
my ways of naive trusting? Gone for
the GOOD.
And of names?
I let them go.
I am space.
Everlasting and floating, touching everything and nothing.
no, connect to 'normal' reality.
And THAT is what you stole...
theft of the city inside my chest,
gold and bronze intentions attracted influxes of immorals...
though you'd barely know
anything.
Or, no...
you'd known everything.

*** of life, a grip!
Behold all who fall.
Wallowing in their shame, they do.
Watch, self pitiful: They all are.
Slow dancing down the hall, lying on life's shoulder.
Purple hues and white streaks. Health! I'm revitalized.
I awake.
And no longer vital.
Save me, for I've fallen.
-------------
Short and Sweet.

I'm falling behind.
Learning in a system
That
Decides your fate through
Capacity to finish
Work
And follow
Rules.
But why are there so many
USELESS THINGS
Like dates of Wars
and
Dystopian concepts?

Teach me smiles
Teach me laughs.
Teach me how to
EAT WITH CLASS.

I'm falling behind, but that's okay.
I know I'll succeed
One day...
One day.

Pattering rain like the stars are crying; seeing us lost:
It's the kind of night when you inhale frost.
I'm lost.
Steps through the grass, sharp like glass,
A trail of lost love and laughing gas.
Smashed bottles & makeup mirrors, Laughing dolls and trippy dealers-
Ah, this trail brings back memories...
Brings back memories...
Brings back pain.
****** paws leaving moist red splotches in the rain.
Sun peeks a few rays over the trees,
First the blues, then the pinks and lavenders, then the white.
The blinding white of rainy clouds.
stripped of our sheet of night.
The stars fall asleep
I'm at peace...
Or so they say.
-------------------------------------
Walks at night can be as inspiring as laying in bed looking at glowing green star-stickers.

Eyes heavy..
Body aching..
Tears reigning..
Cradling into yourself...

When did you last feel
The most alive?

Glimpses of air,
Waves flooding your bloodstream.
You kinda thought I might care.

Drowning, swallowing currents of
ANXIOUS
Death;
When the moonlight spills over your ****** wrists
Sliced on a sharp razor blade of
DEEP REMORSE
For the cracking bones under your taunt,
carved skin.
Ripping your arm
OPEN!
Screaming silenced whimpers
Into the torn skin,
nails ripping on bone and tendon
NIGHTMARES.

Bashing skull inwards hoppin' off 4-story thoughts,
Twinkling stars shimmer a warm
darkness
onto your eyelids
until the word
Almost seems
Okay.

Until you seem okay.

-Splashes my reflection-
Why...

Swirling colors. Life is swirling colors. Every shade, every mixture, and every emotion all at once stuffing my peripheral vision. See, life is beautiful and overwhelming. See, life is senses. Be it touch, scent, view, sound, or taste: Life is everything. From the icy oxygen you breathe to the thumping scare in your heart, you are life. A creation, small or tall or heavy or scrawny! You are... No;
WE are!
And WE are meaningful.