This endless feeling of despair in my heart
The tightness in my chest and in my throat,
            Gulp
I want to breathe
The constant yearning of wanting to feel your warmth, soft skin, hands grazing, cuddling me from behind.
             Exhale
One moment I think I'm doing okay-- this happened for a reason
Another moment I'm feeling destroyed
              Choking
I just want to breathe
You're plucking at my heart strings and you
aren't even here
              Where are you?
Realization of constant turmoil
Not feeling loved, wanted and enjoyed
But
                Rejoice
It's a breath of fresh air, a slight breeze in my hair and elevating my arms to the sky, Feeling freer than ever.
                 Hallelujah

But when it gets dark and cold and lonesome
You are on my mind. You take up all the space in there.
It's happening again, palm sweating, cannot get up for air, chaos within my head.
                    Heart broken.

I just want you to say hi.

Dont touch she says
As you sit in the barn that is filled with hay
So you line her curves with your fingers tips, never lingering
As you exhale to realize the beauty
Of warmth of a body and the power of our smells
Sigh
You keep going in your mind, you're in too deep, don't love hard
We are hardly loving creatures and "I prefer not to", she says, "I like it that way"

She turns her head and looks down, then looks up at me straight and says "you could break me if you wish"
She then lowers her eyes with hesitancy

Verionica my dear, you arent just anyone, you are the person I vowed to stay with, hand on hand, lips to lips

Your ocean is now black, losing water, the fish are becoming accustomed to your body
The smell of discontentment.
You may enjoy the sunshine, however
You wait for the sky to get gray, along with the fish
The rain comes down only sometimes

Hell, lets just dance.

Reach to me anyway you can
Just say a word, just blink, or maybe hold my hand
If I close my eyes and breathe in, will I feel you next to me?
I want to feel you next to me.

Desperation during a break up. Because I was...
Always wanting, never accepting the love that was put in front of me
Complaining, sneering, grumpy
Analyzing faults, picking apart the insecurities of people while
Holding them close and loving them and being the best **** lover
Paranoia, nothing is ever satisfactory
The best **** lover.
I'm ******.

Tobi, wake up.
Leo, wake up.
Elliot, wake up.
Who the **** are you?
Confusion on who you are, where you are, what you are.
There is no gender identity disorder, but a disorder that makes me feel like
I was born into the wrong era, environment and world.

WAKE UP

I'm sorry's never travel long enough.
Perhaps hand written and sent with a stamp, would travel.
Neatly written, script font, seal the letter with a kiss and spray with your favorite perfume
The heavy sigh of "I didn't mean to hurt you", no spray can mask the guilt
Gulp
Own up to it.
You did it.
Now what?

Are you far away? I know you're close.
I've been drowning in a short empty sea of self loathing and self-deprecating *******
I could have made it up.
I could have made it up, to the top.

Waking up from a sleepless night, and not wanting to open my eyes.
Feeling a deep pain and regret within my chest as I take the first breaths of the day
No sunshine, no fresh air, only static within the sheets
Freezing cold
Always wondering, always wanting, never satisfied.

Where am I? Where are friends? What is a family? What is love again? Do I have a girlfriend?

It gets tiring after a while, to be this depressed
I don't want to die, I don't want to cut myself, I don't want a silly suicide note
Just listen to The Beatles "Help! I need somebody!"
Get up soldier, get in order. Chin up. Stop being a *******.

Relax, hold your head up. Keep going.
****
The first start is to say goodbye
and an eventual hello will come to you.

Browsing best of craigslist while my brother blasts his music, but it's okay because it's better than the Christian rock I have to listen to from another roommates room.
The house is chaos and I live in this world, it ***** me in and spits me back. It affects my personal relationship with the outside world, people come on it and get trapped in the time warp. There is no other reality, and outside of this house no one knows, what goes on inside.

My basement room is dark, cave like, and I squint my eyes as I write this because the Christmas lights that were given to gleam over my head and make the space around me pink. I look in the corner of my eye, and there is my pathetic lamp that doesn't really even light the corner. All of this I accept, I even become accustomed to the lack of light.

You ever google “roommates that are douches” or “nightmare roommates”?...that sounds about right, right? Everything listed is very apparent in this house. We all are just living together, separated and oddly together. Getting high, getting low and getting all hyped up and eventually in each others faces, struggling to not let go and make it crazy, because we all came from crazy and we're currently battling the current monsters that live inside our head.

Some of us have diagnosis, while others obsessively google their symptoms, thinking up illnesses, while others have true deadly illnesses and trying to wash away the days without poisoning ourselves. Poison feels good when it comes down, it's as if you are doing something bad to your body but it feels so good, and eventually you fall into a mood, whether it be anxiety or true following bliss you know that this is within your body and it is something you have come to accept.

Wake up, you have no friends
As you see everyone else follow the norm
You begin to feel okay that you are here on the inside
Where you feel content being alone
In an empty house
Hearing noises, through out the layers and floors
As the almost gleaming sunshine goes away, and now its grey and you feel a fog
it's not worth going outside

Wake up, its all your fault
But you are beautiful because you dont lie
       while you
Fall asleep in lovers arms, so warm
and burning of fear
Wake up, pay attention, stay on key
There isnt anyone out there
to keep you safe
Watch out!
Be cautious but know that she loves you
Wake up! Watch the **** out.


Fall asleep with lovers smiles all caressing you in your body and lips and tongues and finger nails dig deep.

Dig DEEP

We all want to be satisfied
We either want love, or a crazy fix
We may become addicts, of chasing passion
We just want dying relief

Bribing, skeeving, scheming
The intense eye stares
the smiles
We are all disturbed
"You ruin it for the rest of us"

Players that are part of a team, that don't want to play the game

Relative stereotypes
Lesbians
The endless hunger
for something satisfying to the tip of your tongue
and back of your mouth

Drug use, drug use
One night stands
Can you humble me?
Follow me into the room
repeat

Waiting Waiting
Hoping Wishing Wanting
Stepping up towards me in the road
opened door
hug hello, a familiar desire to hold her
closely
Blink of an eye
cooking cleaning love making eating dreaming conversing
Blink of an eye
You're no longer there.

Cuddle up with Jokes in the night
Cradling him in my lap
Intense heart thumping
breathing in and out
he is pouring

Wishing Waiting Away
Yearning Grasping Needing
Helping Solving word by word
Holding hands, second chance
Bonding loving hugging warmth
extra annoyance coming and going
keeping attention so much pressure
bounded by love, attached at the
lungs

Lay down next to me and
Let me collapse on your chest
Breathe in deeply smelling your scent, sigh out the overwhelming joy
Giving I love you eyes