She reaches out to touch me,
and I don't feel it.

The gesture, the movement
Was there
But is she?

Clouds filled with density floating around
It's the particles
Better than dry air

I look into her eyes
I am sad, I feel alone
I say nothing,
Please don't let me sulk
Draw the line

Distance apart
Hearts separated
"I'm not sure anymore"
I let out a deep sigh,
is your heart still in it?

Laughs of despair and mania
A contrast of the two,
one cannot live without the other

And so the times go on
We keep feeling, in our beds, under our sheets
Pondering
The thoughts we only think up when we are alive
and sleep

Is she in it?/Or is it just me?
Can she still be there?/Or will she set it free?
It,
my heart, my blades, all my weapons
I lay it all on the table
Awareness of always on the defense
I cross my heart

There are reasons, I have you know
That all of this isn't about gaining trust
It's about gaining pain

I turn around on the bed,
not visualizing her leaving me
She buttons up her jacket
"I can't do this anymore"

I let out a deep sigh
Sharp pains in my chest
My throat getting tight
Feels like a blow to the face
Of icy wind that is getting into my eye and salt sizzling inside

It hurts.

But I love you.

I let out a deep sigh
A wish
"Is this love?"
Throw a penny
into the home-made drum
It bounces not once but twice.
That's a double yes.

Hopefully my hopelessness doesn't get in the way
Wishing, well
Wallowing me not

In highschool I thought I liked girls
I thought it wasn't right, to even look
that if I tried it would be different, abnormal
I didn't know it was okay
To want to kiss another girl
To touch another girl
That it would be a violation
I wouldn't be liked back

I thought I had to be a certain way
dress a certain way
act a certain way
I didn't wear make up, but also didn't wear masculine clothing
I was just me

I got stares from butch lesbians that were in gangs
I was frightened and alone
"What are you staring at?" if I looked back
Looks based off of intimidation

this wasn't me, this wasn't it

I tried to date men, same ole same ole
video games, boredom,
not having drive
it wasn't interesting, it wasn't making my heart race
going through one motion to another
I tried.

I was told that I was just making it up
That I was pretending
That I was doing it for attention
Fantasizing about female celebrities
if only

I then came out to myself
dated a girl
who wasn't a girl
he was genderqueer
he was trans
and it all began
I was attracted to beyond the gender binary

2 dollar margarita nights
at the gay bar in New York
queers stumbling, fumbling, sweating, dancing
going outside to just
light a cigarette for some pretty girl
connect with eyes
just to talk
just to have a connection

Turns to quick ****** experiences
With a blink of an eye
She kisses me, she wants me
She want's go further
That wasn't me
I don't know you
you don't know my heart

Then I met you

Wrong pronouns at the grocery store
No correction, you know who you are
Questions on identification, even at the gay bar
It's okay, you understand


Under the Christmas lights of my room
in my bed
with your smell left in my sheets
I'm so happy, I'm filled with joy
Tears rushing down my face
I can't believe I'm in love

Your body, is a story for me
The story tells me
We've all been through something
And it hurts and it stings
But with struggle comes strength
-as cliche as it is-

Connecting your beauty marks with my finger tips
my lips on your soft but thick skin
deep smells, deep spells
Intertwined with love and compassion
*** and lust
smelling scents that are addicting
your noises, my reactions
so addicting

So dreamy
Is it true?
Who cares-

Scared and frightened
But its a breath of fresh air
Because I've been craving and wanting
someone who responds

You're there
You're human
We're intertwined
With a ring around my neck

Cross your fingers, hope to love
Slit your thoat, with hope

Whatever disease you have, you catched me
And its truth
I feel for you

"Hm", the girl says in your bed.
Red wine and yummy chocolate - what a great mix
Moving and grooving to the beat of the music
Oh, la la.
A pleasant smell in the air, flowing, in and out into me
Colors of your blankets, subtle navy blue, velvet red (you might disagree)

Reeses, what a treat! Something devils would eat
Talking food, one of my pleasures, Ethopian - I want to eat!
Let me speak for Ravenswood, it treats me well and keeps
me toasty!
And Juanita's, Fiesta bag, crispy not too greasy
Crunchy in my mouth, mmm!
An offering of a chip with special sauce, thank you sir!'
Sauce man, confidence

He says he had heart problems
The consequences of the pleasures of food
"I need to end it but I don't know how to"
"It'll come to you"

Your roommate,
Sid

Grasping my breath, over time
time, is so slow and I just want to
see you
I just want to
touch you
I just want to
breathe you

Looking into the screen, that are mirror images of us
Is she there? Is she looking for me? Is she real?
I could feel her thoughts, filled with passion and full of excitement
heart pounding, wanting and yearning to dig my nails
into her unbruised skin
wanting and knowing she would be at my feet in heart beat

whatever is damaged, I will heal
because we're all damaged in some way

It was told to me that maybe we're all alone for a reason
That there's something wrong
blood related family, it was us three
single hearts with drifting minds

Now I could say, that lonely person
Isn't me
and I just found
the key