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91 · Mar 18
He has my Heart
Sia Harms Mar 18
My heart is so deep
In Jesus
That anyone searching
For me,
Must find Him.
Only through Him, am I.
91 · Oct 2024
Blindfolded
Sia Harms Oct 2024
The arrogance of our consciousness,
The unreliable narrator inside
All of us—

We are blinded by dainty eye masks
Of half-truths & winding thoughts:
How to get around it--

I mute my snaking mind
And ask for truth,
To truly see,
Jesus.
91 · Mar 31
all my thanks
Sia Harms Mar 31
his head tipped back
with laughter--
as if thanking
the Heavens
for the Joy
rushing through him.
90 · Sep 2024
"Done."
Sia Harms Sep 2024
Is it in the strength
of our bones
That make some
able to stand up
and easily
defend themselves,
Stating assertive words
and walking off
without glancing back--
While others sit meekly,
Laughing off the unease
as a beguiling face
says everything
they want to hear--
Not knowing how
They could retreat
From the situation?
Or is it a choice,
to replace our joints
With mettle
and forget
the complacency
Of our old selves?
say no.
Sia Harms Sep 2024
I fumbled as I fell--
I waited for the ground,
And frowned
When it did not come.
I had failed so miserably
Yet, it frightened me
To know that I could
Fall still more egregiously--
A desperation seized me
To meet the bedrock
And stand on my own

Two feet.
89 · Sep 2024
A-ok
Sia Harms Sep 2024
The weight of generations
Stuttered his steps--
Young legs, agile mind,
An intimidation
To new, unsung conversations.
But in small moments
of deeply anchored words
and acts of casual kindness,
The softness of his heart
was shown underneath.
His hands fidgeted with a knife
Constantly, a butterfly
Flittering through his fingers--
was that the speed of his thoughts?
What did he think, when he wandered
Through creeks of God’s creation?
He kept his hair long, as if afraid
to release the past,
But he clearly showcased
The Lord’s word on his back, deaf
To the rebuking voices.
Fluent in rolling jests, but also
Drawing wisdom as if from the earth,
I thought he was talking to me. . .
One time. . . but I can never seem
To look people in the eyes.
Who is he, Lord?
89 · Feb 24
community prayer
Sia Harms Feb 24
The community sat in silence
On the peak of a mountain,

The clouds stretching below
And the chill of dusk sinking
Into their bones like a sincere
Apology.
88 · Sep 2024
midnight suns
Sia Harms Sep 2024
A somber corner--
It’s too dark to see
My form huddled there.
I sat alone at lunch,
Waiting, side-eyeing
The lonely souls on
Benches around me.
Was I truly surprised,
When none of them
Approached me?

Somehow, the air
Grew less dense, &
My words quivered
Less, when I trusted
That, perhaps, the
Downcast eyes and
Gangly frames, full
Of feigned belonging
And misguided hopes,
Only needed a voice
To come and ask a
Genuine question of:
“Do you know your
Savior's love?”
“Do you see a face
In the stars?”

“What do you think of
When you zone out at
The wall, and your gaze
Glasses over?”
Nobody asked me
Anything other than
Silly, scandalous remarks--
But I learned not to respond
And seek out those who were
Willing to sit on tin roofs &
Contemplate the reasons
For moral midnight suns,
And Jesus' love, instead.
88 · Jul 16
unwanted sequel
Sia Harms Jul 16
I feel the wrongness
In realization--
Safe on a small ottoman,
Memories aching--
They are yet to be made.
I worry they never will be.
My heart stutters,
The first awakening,
Panic sets in as I return
To the film set of my mistakes--
The tape begins rolling.
Take one, take two,
How can you stop a polaroid
From forming
Once the flash has gone off?
I worry my lessons learned
Are not enough.
Hide my face, pretend not to
See him enter the room--
I know,
I cannot
hide my heart
from You.
88 · Feb 20
Acting Christian
Sia Harms Feb 20
She wears a wig
And a false beauty spot,
Followed by heady perfume
As her makeup melts
In the bright lights.

Am I her
In my
Faith?
88 · Jan 23
choice of Darkness
Sia Harms Jan 23
The metal protested
As you twisted the bulb
Into place.

It screamed, not wanting
To light up, preferring
Darkness.

Without it, we could not see,
But that did not change its
Preference.

Despondency resided in
The shadows of a high
Ceiling.

It needed your stubborn,
Caring hands to change its
Perspective.
We cannot be helped if we don't choose to be. Do we burden those who love us more by refusing to help ourselves, by refusing to let them assist?
Only Jesus was able to draw me from the darkness.
87 · Apr 21
the Cross of Doorways
Sia Harms Apr 21
I left on my own,
My hand still on the
Smooth doorway.
I could see the blood
Of past generations
Smeared over the paint,
Flickering in my eyes.
The original cross—
I was not on my own.
I was covered by
The Lamb.
86 · Jan 18
social battery
Sia Harms Jan 18
My fingers began to ache
As they waved—
As if the bones dislocated
From the enthusiasm.

My smile suddenly felt
Small and inconsequential,
Forced as it stretched
My dry skin.

I was swaying back & forth,
Drained by all of this
Social interaction.
86 · Dec 2024
Supposed to
Sia Harms Dec 2024
I was
Supposed to be good at it.
The words were supposed to flow,
Unconditionally. I was supposed
To make grown adults huddle
Under their bedsheets, booklight
Spreading a faint halo over the
Pages in a way they hadn’t done
Since they were a child.

I was
Supposed to be a storyteller;
A way for people to feel heard
As they escaped from a world
They wished they didn’t know—
But, now, at least, understood a
Little better. I was supposed to. . .
I was supposed to. . . Did I
Overestimate myself?

I was never
A prolific writer, brimming with
The prose that made the final
Page of a book feel like a funeral;
But I thought I could craft people
That resonated, that seemed real--
It seems I was wrong.  

I was
Supposed to realize what I wanted

To be a long, long time ago, and
Now. . . Well, now, I'm only
Supposed to move on.
86 · Mar 29
Yours to Untie
Sia Harms Mar 29
I prayed as I tied the laces together,
Bowing my head over the red converse.
They were not shoes anymore, in my mind.
Only a promise.

A testament that no hand other than Gods’
Could untie the knot chucked high in the trees.

They hung dismally, striving for the ground,
Toward earthly things.

The plan He knitted in the womb, His providence,
Lay over the thread, cinching it together and
Aloft towards the heavens, until it was time
For Him to Untie me.
85 · Mar 28
It is Empty. I am Not.
Sia Harms Mar 28
The fragility of my heart
Was pressed into a thinly
Chained locket, grown
Pale and tarnished
In the hands
Of all those who 

Thought they knew me.

They tried to pry me open,
Breaking their nails in
The attempt to
Find the one thing
That kept their words
From hurting me.

But if they opened the
Heart-shaped cavity, they

Would find only the
Emptiness that reminded
Me of the world’s promises
And their futility.

A necklace of the World
Could not hold the Love
God had threaded into
My heart for eternity.
85 · Nov 2024
Ceramic Trust
Sia Harms Nov 2024
My hesitancy
Is a china cup, held
Aloft delicately, my
Pinky extended
As if it held
All the timorous
Hope of childhood
I've refused to
Keep with me.
85 · Oct 2024
life migraine
Sia Harms Oct 2024
There are hands against my temples,
Pressing, squeezing, building tension
Like a band slowly constricting
Around my head, over my eyelids.
I squint and continue my day,
Knowing my knuckles won’t be able

To massage the aching away--
Even as I force myself to focus
And ignore the whiplash of a knife
Slashing through my mind—
I am only as present as the willpower
I possess, despite my pain.
85 · Oct 2024
Hoarding Darkness
Sia Harms Oct 2024
A sanctum of denial,
Concealing my faults--
A cushion of half-truths;
How many layers have
Amassed over the darkness
Underneath?
Countless years of internalizing,
Clasping the faults close,
Hands like golem and his ring
In my chest, shaking with
The anxiety I knew I shouldn’t
Keep—but cherished anyway,
Secret, mine, a way for me
To feel in control.
How long will I delay
The inevitable breakdown

That comes with realizing
All my most incarcerated,
Ebony-black thoughts
And parts of myself
Are with Him, and He
Only loves me
no matter
how dark
they are.
85 · Oct 2024
[no entry]
Sia Harms Oct 2024
I am a window that is painted shut;
The sides won’t budge
Even with the glass cracked.

Burglars can try all they like,
But their hands become fatigued
And they only leave with a sigh—

But not all of them wear
Black ski caps--and I cannot
Seem to loosen, even for those
With placid requests and
Baby’s breath hands,
Gentle as they try to pry open
All that is against them.
84 · May 5
The Forger
Sia Harms May 5
The indestructable diamond—
Made from pressure, suffering,
Shaped by the love that never
Relents, the Spirit working in
Our Chests as He turns the
Coal of our hearts into the
Glistening imitation of Him.
84 · Sep 2024
how to say it . . ?
Sia Harms Sep 2024
That’s not what I meant,
How come erasers
don’t offer recompense?
Should’ve used a pencil, not a pen,
As I tried to make sense
of the contents of my head--
Fumbling with my hand,
Trying to use my left,
To craft an illegible land
I am bound to forget.
84 · Nov 2024
Unconnected
Sia Harms Nov 2024
A blue face and lidded eyes,
A bright smile and a skip
To a step, chestnut hair
And pouting lips--I sit
Minding my own business,
******* watching those
Flicker through life
Around me—
Would there be a day,
When I would merely
Look into unfamiliar
Eyes, and see words?
Or know the struggles
That girl in bell-jeans
Scrawls in her journal?
I stay sitting, not knowing
How I love so many people,
Not knowing how I could
Possibly add one more—
Lord, who do you want
In my circle?
84 · May 10
grateful disbelief
Sia Harms May 10
Sin upon skin—
Rosy & blameless—
holes in delicate wrists

Nailed down wood--
A final plea, an outcry
of love in opposition—

On your knees—
Disbelief, a question
Of Who would
Do this
for me?
84 · Sep 2024
Comfortable Silence
Sia Harms Sep 2024
When I think of a field,
Covered in dew,
Blanketed by night
And a smattering of stars,
I think of you--
Lying outstretched
In a copse of grass
Beside me,
Pouring out our hearts
To our lord and savior,
Jesus.
83 · Oct 2024
temporary connections
Sia Harms Oct 2024
There was a transience to the laughs,
A way it all fell out of focus--
Bright for an instant, only to diminish
Into something that never existed.

Slick-tongued quips and smiles
Enticed by a topical instance,
How do I feel knowing
That nothing is lasting?

An umbrella of headphones,
And an open bible--
The world is never constant,
But Jesus is the exception.
He is not of this world, yet He bore it for us.
83 · May 6
Towards Him
Sia Harms May 6
The sharp corners of stairs,
A valley of ups and downs,
Housing a river of tears—
My struggles swelled at my
Ankles, slowly trying to rise.
If I did not climb forward,
Upward, towards my Father,
I would be drowned by this
World, caught in the Death
He had defeated on an old,
Waterlogged cross for the
Redemption of our souls.
83 · Apr 27
weak or strong?
Sia Harms Apr 27
His shirt flagged in the wind,
One of the marks designating
Danger, riptides.

There was a lankness to his
Frame, an objectivity to the
Way he stood.

He did not blink as salt flew
In his eyes—unmoving as the
Tide lapped.

His shoulders were pinched,
As if clothesline pins held him
To the spot.

The seagulls bawked at his
Indecision, the sea welcoming
Him into its folds.

Was it the cold of the waves
That showed him the warmth

Of his body?

The life had grown dormant
Inside of him, but he felt it
Then, unfurling.

No one called out for him,
Voices were plastic bags,
Litter in the wind.

His unexplained cowardice
Was his saving grace, the
Treasure unseen.
Jesus' hand lays on my heart, giving me strength to keep moving.
83 · Sep 2024
Loquacious
Sia Harms Sep 2024
Blasphemy,
He had a whole page
Of facts about me--
An entire biography
I had written myself
From blabbering.
But when I set down
To write his,
Only a name
Was scrawled in ink--
Kind words? A bright face?
But what did he look like
When the moon only shone
On glass fragments,
And the air turned dark
From the absence of voices?
I saw Jesus in his heart;
He spread his abounding love
By simply talking with those
Who were looked down upon.
But besides his acts from afar,
What do I know that he has told me
In hushed, timbre tones,
Sober with intentionality?
Shame-faced, I think
“Nothing.”
83 · Feb 24
turn to Him
Sia Harms Feb 24
The words reached out and
Gripped me.
They held the collar
Of my shirt.
But they were not harsh.
They did not
Push me into the wall.
They simply
Held me so I would not
Turn my head
When they proclaimed
“I Love You.”
Jesus loves us all, no matter what we tell ourselves.
82 · Feb 10
Missing the Point
Sia Harms Feb 10
The question of how to communicate
Has always plagued me.

I once knew, when I was little, before
People called me bossy.

But I slowly unlearned, thinking that
Timidity was preferable.

It was more acceptable to society
For my words to fumble.

But why is that? Why are words so
Feared when truthful?

Can we not simply speak our minds,
Refusing to sugarcoat?

I have always thought the sugary rim
Of a glass too bitter.

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth,
Resembling a sweet lie.

How do we learn to communicate
Properly, when forever
Serving frosting off sharp knives?
82 · Feb 4
My Faith is a Sword
Sia Harms Feb 4
My faith is a sword,
Edged with love,
Weighted by grace,
Balanced by the
Sacrifice of Jesus.
82 · Nov 2024
Life is a Gift.
Sia Harms Nov 2024
What did I do to deserve a life?
Of what, it doesn’t matter—
What beauty God must see
In the creation of His image,
Forever corrupted, but His.
Like a child that has wronged
Her father, but her look
Of wide-eyed repentance
Only makes his heart exhale,
Overflowing with love
For the child who knows
Better, or maybe doesn’t,
And only wants to heal
Her broken parts—
A life of joy, of sadness,
But a life nonetheless,
One that I do not deserve
In the slightest—He gifted
Me out of the most profound
Love I couldn’t imagine
Save for the fatherly arms so
So often wrapt around me,
Reassuring, though the air
Is empty—I can feel His

Grace in this life that I live.
He is everywhere, inside all of us, even if we are not deserving of the joy that is Him.
82 · Oct 2024
the way of things
Sia Harms Oct 2024
Is it wrong to feel sorry
About a circumstance
And a split decision,
Yet not regret it
In the slightest?
I could still see
The slump in his eyes,
The blue tinge
Creeping over his
Expression, trying
To hide it as
He smiled through
The rest of the night.
I will always feel bad
For being the cause
of that—and I’m not sure
If it makes it harder
Or only more reassuring,
Feeling this resolute
Peace that it was Right,
That it had to happen.
82 · Feb 24
I Am Nothing :)
Sia Harms Feb 24
I am nothing.
I smile with the thought.
Because Jesus

Is Everything.
81 · Jan 26
I am Drying Paint.
Sia Harms Jan 26
I am drying paint.

I sit back and watch

Myself grow less glossy,

More dull and emotionless.
81 · Feb 6
He Pumps my Heart
Sia Harms Feb 6
Sometimes I feel
God’s hand
Around my heart,
knowing
He the only reason
It continues
beating.
Every pulse that
Shudders through me,
Is the pressure of
His love,
His hand pumping
my blood
With His enduring
plan for me.
81 · Sep 2024
comfortable chaos
Sia Harms Sep 2024
I often think,
when scrimmaging
Among traffic,
that the city seems to
Swallow you.
Isn’t it strange,
how some people
Find that comforting?
81 · Nov 2024
Sky's Sorrow
Sia Harms Nov 2024
Gratified storm clouds,
Rain that never stops,
Slowing its downpour—
Did all of those tears
Travel down the drains,
Through the aquaducts,
To the Earth’s core?

Has that become the
Epicenter of our world:
The Sky's Sorrow?
80 · Mar 7
So Tired
Sia Harms Mar 7
Bespeckled awnings under the eaves
Of a sloped roof, peeling, drooping
Windows that slept like a little girl,
Tired from school.

The streets were crooked, and the
Smiles glaringly bright in the dusk-
Tinted light—photographs with the
Flash accidentally left on.

People curled up under knarled,
Grumpy oaks, and the children
Shivered on damp basement
Floors, oblivious.

The cold became the normal,
And comfort was everything
All the other kids complained
About at home.

As the sun snored through the hills,
Souls of heavy bones made their
Dark circles deeper, and their hearts
More full of holes.

The daytime was merely the presence
Of light—it ceased to mean anything

More. Fatigue grew a body and helped
Clear the trash after dark.
80 · Mar 1
My Mind's Lisp
Sia Harms Mar 1
The voice in my mind
Has a lisp—
My thoughts slur
Together,
Never fully coherent.
It is sweet,
In a way. But I wish
I could
Speak clearly, with
Conviction,
Instead of gaining
My willpower
In too-late moments.
80 · Mar 7
[B]elayed
Sia Harms Mar 7
My arms shook as I held myself
Closely to the rock face,
Fingers cramping and toes
Just barely holding on—
I would rather look down,
And see all that I have overcome,
Than dwell on the stony,
Impenetrable wall I was now
Challenged to scale.
Sometimes moving on would be easier. But I can't help but look back, simply to delay and appease my fear, knowing it is hurting me more.
80 · Sep 2024
Am I Here?
Sia Harms Sep 2024
A wrangled diaphanous existence--
I swam through window-panes,
Staring blankly at apartments.
Was my hand always this pale?

A slow capillary refill, a body
not worth the stale mass
I occupied within hollow walls.
79 · Feb 15
Mirrors of Him
Sia Harms Feb 15
We must know God
To reflect Him.
Or else we will accept
The warped circus
Mirrors’ interpretation.
79 · May 21
right by Him
Sia Harms May 21
The robe was borrowed,
Stitched to my skin—
I tried to rip it away,
And wear one of my
Own choosing—
Only the thread was
Made of love, giving
Me pain to ultimately
Save me from the folly
Of wearing my own
Righteousness—
78 · Mar 16
Yellow Trucks
Sia Harms Mar 16
My patience was a yellow, rusted truck
Running low on fuel and puffing a cloud
Of smoke behind it as it rattled down
The road.

My frustration was the click click click
Of my blinker, and the flashing light
Reminding me to change my oil.

I drove circles around this town,
Following a route I had mapped out
In my head--but I failed to see how
It only enforced the anxiety of
My heart, mirrored in the clattering

Of my truck’s engine.

I fell behind in my navigating,
Missing lights as ambulances rushed
Past, disrupting the rigid routine
I liked because of its familiarity.

One day, as I reached for the handle
Of the failing trajectory of my life, yellow
Yet sad in the morning light, a man
Brighter than any paint color, walked
Up to me and extended his hand.

“This is not the plan I have for you.”
He said. “Come to me, for I will
Give you rest.”

It was too good to be true—
How could I trust a man promising
The world?

Yet, that is where I was wrong.
He was not offering the world,
But eternal life and love in the
Wholeness of His image.

I let my arm drop to my side,
Away from the smoking lump
Of my car, and felt the earnestness
Of His expression.

Forgetting the yellow frame beside me,
I took His hand, and began to walk,
The swaying of the leaves suddenly
Peaceful, and the rushing of the cars
Humming gracefully.

Everything that was a source of anxiety,
Faded into the background, and I felt only
The point of contact between me
And my Savior.
Matthew 11:28
78 · Sep 2024
look Closely
Sia Harms Sep 2024
His smile broke apart his face, after the years.
There was a slowness to the way he moved,
An energy that slowly waned--
Even when he reassured all he was alight,
His flames appeared to have died out--
Yet, none saw this, until his body lay dry
And lifeless in a wooden crate--
The light leaving his skin
And ruining the illusion
That had taken him a lifetime to create.
78 · Sep 2024
Perpetually Failing
Sia Harms Sep 2024
I am forever failing,
Falling short
Of all my expectations.
I wince to start things,
Because I see all the ways
It could go wrong.
But, in that, I continue to fail.
I am less than I ever imagined,
I have whittled myself down
To nothing.
If only I could embrace that,
And go into things
With the mindset of someone
Seeing a collection of ideas
And swerving parts,
Knowing it might take
A thousand tries to get it right
--To turn such a mess into
Such a smiling creation--
But who dives in nonetheless,
Basking in the failure,
Using it to propel them further,
And when it turns to success,

They turn around and search
For a new way to fail.
I am forever failing—
But who said that was a bad thing?
78 · Dec 2024
Bathwater
Sia Harms Dec 2024
My fingers have started to prune
And my eyes have begun to dull.
I look at the ***** bath water
And wonder if I’m getting old,
Or if I have only sat in stagnant
Water for too long, waiting for
It to clear, waiting for the power
To go out despite knowing that
All this time, I had the choice
To stand up and drain the tub.
78 · Nov 2024
Harmless Steel
Sia Harms Nov 2024
I am made of melted steel,
Sitll holding the title
Of something malicious,
Piercing and lethal--
But in a state that is
Defenseless, harmless,
Unable to defend itself
When approached
With something other

Than words.
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