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16h · 182
the Only feeling
Sia Harms 16h
I felt the power
Of the disappointment,

And the resentment,
And the emptiness,
Slowly dissipate.
The Holy Spirit
Overshadowed it all
And took a deep breath
In my chest.
I hung back, scared of what
The wall between us would do
If I came any closer.
The silence wound around my
Throat, and my eyes searched
For something to latch onto.
Was it the forced civility that
Made our conversations feel
Like a business deal?
Or was that truly how we felt?
I downplayed my emotions
For a living.

I glossed over them
With serious, diplomatic
Expressions, until my heart
Couldn’t tell the difference.

With every feeling that
Pushed its way to the surface,
I hung glasses and a fake
Mustache over its features,
Disguising it into something
I could live with.
1d · 37
Yellow Trucks
My patience was a yellow, rusted truck
Running low on fuel and puffing a cloud
Of smoke behind it as it rattled down
The road.

My frustration was the click click click
Of my blinker, and the flashing light
Reminding me to change my oil.

I drove circles around this town,
Following a route I had mapped out
In my head--but I failed to see how
It only enforced the anxiety of
My heart, mirrored in the clattering

Of my truck’s engine.

I fell behind in my navigating,
Missing lights as ambulances rushed
Past, disrupting the rigid routine
I liked because of its familiarity.

One day, as I reached for the handle
Of the failing trajectory of my life, yellow
Yet sad in the morning light, a man
Brighter than any paint color, walked
Up to me and extended his hand.

“This is not the plan I have for you.”
He said. “Come to me, for I will
Give you rest.”

It was too good to be true—
How could I trust a man promising
The world?

Yet, that is where I was wrong.
He was not offering the world,
But eternal life and love in the
Wholeness of His image.

I let my arm drop to my side,
Away from the smoking lump
Of my car, and felt the earnestness
Of His expression.

Forgetting the yellow frame beside me,
I took His hand, and began to walk,
The swaying of the leaves suddenly
Peaceful, and the rushing of the cars
Humming gracefully.

Everything that was a source of anxiety,
Faded into the background, and I felt only
The point of contact between me
And my Savior.
Matthew 11:28
2d · 32
Soul > Body
The chains cinched tighter
Around my wrists.
I felt them dig into my ankles,
And my blood grow hot
In my throat.
But my mind was clear—
Sinking deeply into a soft,
Pastel embrace.
I was in my faith.
Jesus held me, his promises
Forming a warm wall
Around my soul.
I let go of the outward pain,
Knowing no one
Could touch me here.
Matthew 10:28. Nothing is more painful than separation from You, Lord.
3d · 38
outbreath
The outbreath was filled with
All of the whirling worries
Of rushing highways, and
Misinterpreted words, and feet
That slipped on shiny wood.

I stared at the swaying trees,
The air cold in my throat,
And felt the metal against my
Skin, my hand over the heart
God chose to keep beating.
4d · 44
Prom
As I stared into empty space,
My thoughts a blur
And my intentions refusing
To solidify through my words,
I felt my heart drop.
It was the last year—
My trust a fragile creature,
Hanging onto the frame
Of one genuine man,
His hair cropped short
And his smile savoring
The grace of the Lord.
I wanted to pin a silly
Flower to his lapel, a white
Blossom on my wrist,
And laugh as I formed
A foundational memory
With a true friend.
4d · 114
i'll do it Later
The words lay flat on their faces,
Trembling in fear,
As if they saw the shiny granite
Of a bank floor,
Men in black ski masks yelling
Confused orders,
And wished their loved ones
Could hear them
As they chanted the words
So often shrouded
In petty arguments and

The illusion of
Several more years.
4d · 23
Made New
There was a stain on my shirt,
Small and pebble-sized,
Barely visible to the naked eye.
But I could feel it above
My heart, and I pressed my hand
To it, trying to cover
Any semblance of imperfection—
I rubbed cold water
Into the fabric, anxiety-ridden
As I scrubbed, scrubbed,

Scrubbed, looking over my shoulder,

As if I would be caught
For a crime unintentionally committed.
I should have known
That washing my faults in worldy water
Would never remove
The stains it had caused. I soaked the
Cloth in tears and
Kneeled before my Father, bowed. 

“Make me new,”
I said, “In your love, Lord, make me
Who you intended me
To be in the womb.” I cried.
The fabric remained
The same, for it was only a shirt,
But my heart began
To thaw and the wounds marring it
From every sin
I tried to hide from God, were
Gently stitched together
With new, soft flesh, in His love.
I stifled a sob.
         As if that would change
The volume of my grief.
         The despair pooling
Around me
     Was enough to alert
Those with the loss of hearing,
     Their hearts
Full of a sound they had
      Never heard,
But gripped
          With their hands,
Their memory,  
          In the loudest feeling.
Mar 7 · 27
[B]elayed
Sia Harms Mar 7
My arms shook as I held myself
Closely to the rock face,
Fingers cramping and toes
Just barely holding on—
I would rather look down,
And see all that I have overcome,
Than dwell on the stony,
Impenetrable wall I was now
Challenged to scale.
Sometimes moving on would be easier. But I can't help but look back, simply to delay and appease my fear, knowing it is hurting me more.
Mar 7 · 43
Lost Time into Prayer
Sia Harms Mar 7
The moment was negligible;
It was a sparse bridge
Of minutes, simply hanging
In the air. I could have sat
And stared at the wall.
I could have sighed
And pulled out my phone.
But a niggling, patient voice
Broke into my thoughts,
And weighed heavily
Upon my neck,
Until my head bowed
And my hair fell over my ears,
Turning a couple lost minutes
Into a private conversation
With God.
Mar 7 · 38
So Tired
Sia Harms Mar 7
Bespeckled awnings under the eaves
Of a sloped roof, peeling, drooping
Windows that slept like a little girl,
Tired from school.

The streets were crooked, and the
Smiles glaringly bright in the dusk-
Tinted light—photographs with the
Flash accidentally left on.

People curled up under knarled,
Grumpy oaks, and the children
Shivered on damp basement
Floors, oblivious.

The cold became the normal,
And comfort was everything
All the other kids complained
About at home.

As the sun snored through the hills,
Souls of heavy bones made their
Dark circles deeper, and their hearts
More full of holes.

The daytime was merely the presence
Of light—it ceased to mean anything

More. Fatigue grew a body and helped
Clear the trash after dark.
Sia Harms Mar 7
The thoughts in my eyes
Fastened on the back
Of the figure across the room,
Alone, surrounded by four
Empty chairs.

There was nothing stopping me
From walking over--

I had so many questions,
Filling up the ears in my head--
But they would never be voiced
Aloud, and never to the one
I needed to hear them.

I was rooted in my seat,
My pencil gouging bruises
In my hand, growing limp
And numb along with my heart,
When I realized I lacked the
Courage to face someone

I had every reason to trust.

Was it the silence to my prayers
That kept me seated?

Or was it a selfish hindrance,
An answer I formed myself
Out of fear?
Mar 6 · 34
on the Bench
Sia Harms Mar 6
I bowed my head
Like a downed tree,
      
Watching my legs shift

          Absently through the air.

I noticed your red shoes
  As you strolled past,

And I felt the culmination
                  
               Of all the  m o m e n t s
           Just like this,

Only experienced on
Different benches—

      Metallic, curved plaster,
            
                 Rickety slats, the soft ground—

I was addicted to waiting
As the world passed me by.
Mar 5 · 779
lamplighters
Sia Harms Mar 5
The lanterns flickered out
One by one.
With every step down the lane,
I left behind
All the darkness I had let light
Up my life.
Mar 2 · 32
More than a Formality
Sia Harms Mar 2
I fell at the feet
Of an old, peeling
Altar.
The stone was
Unremarkable
& still.
Yet behind it
Stood the man
Of Grace
And Love.  
I could not see
Him, nor hear
His voice.
Only I knew He
Was there.
He walked around
The pedestal and
Crouched
Beside me, holding
Out His steady hands
To catch
The falling tears
That dripped from
My prayers.
Mar 1 · 34
Can't Steal my Peace
Sia Harms Mar 1
I picked a spot
By the freeway
And sat like a
Beggar,
Pretending
The rush of cars
Was the current
Of a thoughtless
River.
Mar 1 · 37
My Mind's Lisp
Sia Harms Mar 1
The voice in my mind
Has a lisp—
My thoughts slur
Together,
Never fully coherent.
It is sweet,
In a way. But I wish
I could
Speak clearly, with
Conviction,
Instead of gaining
My willpower
In too-late moments.
Sia Harms Mar 1
I looked down at my boots,

Studied the trailing laces,
And wondered how they
Had come undone.
Were they snagged on a
Small bush, a bramble?
Or in my haste to prolong
The fears I had to face,
Did I duck down and
Untie them myself?
Feb 28 · 31
not [My] words
Sia Harms Feb 28
I held my throat
With a longing hand,
Searching for the voice
That was missing. 

All this time,
I had been speaking
The words of the world,
Instead of relying on
Those of God.
I warped my tongue
To fit the whims of those
Around me, but in
Doing so, I
Prohibited Him
From speaking
Through
Me.
My words are His. Not mine, and not the worlds'. Isaiah 59:21.
Feb 27 · 158
God's Eyes
Sia Harms Feb 27
He lifted my chin
And made me
Look into His eyes.
“What do you see,
Child?
Is it the hatred
You imagine, or only
  Love?”
We are His most treasured possession. Malachi 3:17.
Feb 27 · 133
Just Words
Sia Harms Feb 27
It was a careless murmur,
Spoken on a belated night,
Settling itself in the air
As they spoke on and on.
The words meant nothing
To them.
“Grandma passed away,
Oh yeah. . .”
“Because I love you,
But see. . .”
“Remember your aunt?
She died.”
They were soft words,
Meant to be recieved
Lightly, on silent hands—
But they were surrounded
By so many others, all
Tangled around, until
They didn’t feel real

Anymore.
Feb 24 · 55
I Am Nothing :)
Sia Harms Feb 24
I am nothing.
I smile with the thought.
Because Jesus

Is Everything.
Feb 24 · 26
Fractured Thoughts
Sia Harms Feb 24
The foam forms rings
In the tide—
Like blown glass
In the light.


The space between the leaves
Shows the words
We never said.


How lonely it must be
To be the missing piece
Of a set.
Feb 24 · 51
community prayer
Sia Harms Feb 24
The community sat in silence
On the peak of a mountain,

The clouds stretching below
And the chill of dusk sinking
Into their bones like a sincere
Apology.
Feb 24 · 50
turn to Him
Sia Harms Feb 24
The words reached out and
Gripped me.
They held the collar
Of my shirt.
But they were not harsh.
They did not
Push me into the wall.
They simply
Held me so I would not
Turn my head
When they proclaimed
“I Love You.”
Jesus love us all, no matter what we tell ourselves.
Feb 24 · 103
Forest of His Love
Sia Harms Feb 24
I am a downed tree slowly
Shedding its rough bark,
Growing pale & vulnerable
In the forest of Your love.
Feb 20 · 39
Daddy-Daughter Dances
Sia Harms Feb 20
When I pray,
I stand on my Father’s shoes.
I feel Him sway beneath me,
Leading me in a dance
Only He knows the steps to.
Feb 20 · 33
grass quilt
Sia Harms Feb 20
The grass was a quilt,
Every blade the straggly
End of colored yarn that
Was never woven into

The fabric properly.
I sat in the center,
Pulling them out in
Handfulls, tears in my
Eyes over the mess that
My life had become.
Feb 20 · 35
Sun in My Eyes
Sia Harms Feb 20
I screamed when the light hit me.
The sun seared my eyes.
I was used to dank sheets
And grey walls burdened by drapes.
The darkness was my friend.
For years, I was convinced
That it didn’t hurt me.
Because it did it slowly, softly, like
The words of someone
Who leaves you wanting.
Pleas and soft reasurrances—
“You don’t know. . .
. . .What’s out there.”
Can I not be afraid of the familiar?
Yet, it still took strong arms
To drag me outside.
And I screamed when my eyes
Hit the blinding light.
It was too warm.
I liked cold love, detached love,
Like a suffocating pillow.
Dark love that froze
My heart over time.
The warm light pierced everything
I thought I knew.
It reminded me what it felt
Like to be alive under God,
Instead of living to spite Love Himself.
Feb 20 · 272
on the Edge of a Tea Cup
Sia Harms Feb 20
I sat on the edge of a teacup,
Spinning, spinning in a saucer,
My feet dangling in the boiling,
Tea-stained water—wondering
If it were better to fall forward
Or backward.
Feb 20 · 55
Acting Christian
Sia Harms Feb 20
She wears a wig
And a false beauty spot,
Followed by heady perfume
As her makeup melts
In the bright lights.

Am I her
In my
Faith?
Feb 18 · 44
we are not Judges
Sia Harms Feb 18
It is not for me
To don a white
Powdered wig
And smash a
Wooden gavel.

Who am I to
Wear the robes
Of justice?

It is in God’s
Hands--

It always

has been.
Feb 18 · 127
S t i l l W o r l d
Sia Harms Feb 18
I love when the sky's eyes are sinking,
               as if sluggish,
the wind a soft melody hummed
           through a tired, but resigned
                      mother’s lips.

There is so much life in the air
    at dusk;
              but it is gentle:
                             The soft rushing of cars,
              far off yowls from stray cats,
a muted conversation between
          a strolling couple.

I feel lost in this world, but somehow
     that makes me feel
                         more at peace--
Because in this moment,
        there is no
               pressure on me.
Feb 15 · 162
entertaining?
Sia Harms Feb 15
When I doubled over,
Knees landing hard
On the gravel,
I imagined I was an
Art installation--
A prospect of pain
For people to marvel at.
Feb 15 · 47
I Expect it Now
Sia Harms Feb 15
Commitment.
It was a suitcase,
by the door.

Alligator skin
& a sqeaky wheel.

How many
times

Have I
watched it

Disappear?
God never leaves.
Feb 15 · 42
T o o M u c h
Sia Harms Feb 15
The word warbled
In my throat.
m a y b e. . .
I knew I could
Not make it work.
s o  w h y
Didn’t I just
Say no?
Feb 15 · 42
Mirrors of Him
Sia Harms Feb 15
We must know God
To reflect Him.
Or else we will accept
The warped circus
Mirrors’ interpretation.
Feb 12 · 37
[10 Year Plan]
Sia Harms Feb 12
The hours tick by--
Simply beads on
A chain, sliding
Down, down,
Running out of
Space, of yellow
Pearls to complete
The reoccuring
Sequence I 

Cannot bare
To see disrupted.

My bracelet of
Security is
Bound to break,
Scatter the floor
With all of my
Hopes and
Plans.
Feb 12 · 28
Grubby Glasses
Sia Harms Feb 12
The glasses are heavy
On the bridge of my nose,
Weighing down my face
With the gift of sight.

If I took them off, would
I stumble into something
I couldn’t get myself out of?
Would I become bruised,
Terribly unrecognizable
From myself?

The pressure of them
Reminds me of Jesus’
Sacrifice. He lets me see
Clearly—see the beauty
In the world that is only
Harsh, blurred colors.

But do I often cast them
Aside? Do I let them grow
Grubby, never putting in
The time to wipe them
Clean, and dwell on how
Truly grateful I am for

That level of grace?
Feb 12 · 26
would anybody Know?
Sia Harms Feb 12
The slant of his shoulders,
The way they shifted under
His shirt, a bible verse shining
Against the yellow fabric, into
The eyes of others.

Even if the words faded with
One too many washes, you
Would still feel the gold, the
Sound of the Spirit’s footsteps
As they blended with his.
His ambassador, a wordless
Expression of God's love and
Peace in this twisted world.

If I walked through the door,
Lips silent, would anybody
Know I followed Jesus?
Or was my heart obscured--
Split between the world
And my Father?
Feb 12 · 52
Wannabe Songwriter
Sia Harms Feb 12
Words do not translate as lyrics—
They become fumbled and awkward.

Why do they crumble when I voice
Them aloud?

Isn’t volume supposed to give words
Power?

Blisters sear my fingers, disappointment
Blooms,

And I realize I can only sing the songs
Of others.
Feb 10 · 63
Missing the Point
Sia Harms Feb 10
The question of how to communicate
Has always plagued me.

I once knew, when I was little, before
People called me bossy.

But I slowly unlearned, thinking that
Timidity was preferable.

It was more acceptable to society
For my words to fumble.

But why is that? Why are words so
Feared when truthful?

Can we not simply speak our minds,
Refusing to sugarcoat?

I have always thought the sugary rim
Of a glass too bitter.

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth,
Resembling a sweet lie.

How do we learn to communicate
Properly, when forever
Serving frosting off sharp knives?
Feb 10 · 183
what are Words, really?
Sia Harms Feb 10
There were words in the lay

Of the wooden slats, whispers
From the rusted pennies, songs
In the crystalline spread of light
On the ceiling—
I saw words everywhere.
In everything.
But when I looked at your mouth,
Moving in shapes I’m sure I know,
I did not perceive anything.
Feb 10 · 42
unspoken words
Sia Harms Feb 10
You never did say

Those words
Your eyes implied.
I heard them
In my head, all lies.
Feb 9 · 37
Lying to Myself
Sia Harms Feb 9
I wish I could say
That I never envisioned
My soft hands surrounded,
Encapsulated, by yours—
The rough skin like a shield
Against the world.

But that simply

Wouldn't

be true.
Feb 9 · 37
Numb Sense of Self
Sia Harms Feb 9
The last time we spoke,
I was bundled in the coat
Of my doubts, my feet cold
As they hung off the edge
Of my bed.

I complained
About the lack of warmth,
But I shook off the blanket
You tried to drape over my
Shoulders.

I stood up,
Bare feet on frozen wood, not
Knowing where I was going,

Only that I needed to be
Away from you.

My thoughts
Led me to the mesh door,
Out into the snow.

But my
Paranoid eyes only saw
White, stretching for miles,
Wishing you would appear
Among the blank hills.

That was when I realised
I only wanted to be away
From  m y s e l f.

The numbness
Of the cold was supposed
To distance my body from
My hatred of myself—

But now my limbs
Are turning blue and purple,
Freezing to the spot, and the
Redness inside only
G r o w s.

I am
Unable to walk away from
It, hide in constant activity
Like I always have.

And I don’t
Blame you for finally giving
Up on trying to follow.
Sia Harms Feb 9
It was not serendipitious—
They were only sounds
Wailed from the opening
Of an old, untuned guitar--
But her eyes still pinched
Shut, hearing the screams
Of a voice no longer here.
Feb 8 · 659
He is Peace
Sia Harms Feb 8
Lord, sift your comb
Through my thoughts;
Untangle them like
Unruly locks of hair.
Trace gentle circles
Along my back; sooth
All the worries that are
Groundless in Your love.
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