I never colored inside the lines
And i watch my lips kiss
The blue silk line across
My cigarette
I feel as though nothing was
Ever as beautiful
As right now.
My hair falls
Canopy to my tear struck face
Shelter from the storm.
I'm a minor chords type
Nothing ever tasted as sweet
As it did yesterday and
The grass is always greener
When someone else is
Speaking of it.
I take my coffee black and my
Souls even blacker
Take a picture of my eyes
So you know I'm always watching
As you sleep with eyes wide open
Lids heavy with insomnia
I'll be there to keep your peace.
I've never been so mixed up
So messed up so ****** up
Before in my whole life
And writing this doesn't even
Help to sort it out.
I'm a lost soul on a
Broken plane in a saddened world
Where people have no name...

I only miss you when
The day turns to night
And shadows creep across
The halls
When its only darkness
And i have to feel along the walls
Alone in this
Haunted house.
Full of memories and loss
And the sorrows of one thousand souls
Whose cries are heard from
All the holes
Left in the wall, an impression
Of my head
When you wished i was dead.
I only miss you when the
Stars cannot be seen and
When by my seventh shower
I don't feel clean
I only miss you when a song
Screams to me of those
Old feelings rare and raw
Or see a picture of things we saw
When i catch your scent
On the air
When i call your name to find
You are not there.
I miss you when i see your
Face in my dreams
You are the thing that goes bump
In the night
The monster unseen.
But when i think of all the
Hurt you made
The scars left by fingertips on
The skin you flayed...
I hate you in your hateful glory
I hope you lay awake, so sorry
To have lost the only thing you ever had
To have turned your one good thing
To something bad...
But i know I'm never in your head
As long as there's another girl
Thats in your bed....

I hate you and
The taste that you leave
You're like that hideous stain
I can't get off of my sleave
I hate the way you kiss
And the way your **** would miss
As if i were too small to find
Too dumb to mind
That you abused me every
Night and all day
And just when i thought i got away
You reel me in and hold me tight
And promise me that i'm alright.
Choke me til i hit the floor
**** me til i beg for more
Hit me til i see the stars
Throw my body in the car...
But you loved me then and
Love me still
And i know i have until
I give my heart to someone new
And break your broken heart in two
two...
And i would hate to see the
Sleepy tears
That fall from cheek to sheet
For years
For every night and think of you
And all the things we used to do
Before the whole world went all mad
Before my days were dark and sad
Before the fists and blood and sweat
Before i could make myself forget
Those three long years of
No tomorrows
The three long years
Of hopeless sorrows.

that i failed that day
and it wasn't a hearse
that took me away
just an ambulance
with blaring lights
at three in the morning
in the dead of night.
am i happier now
that i didn't succeed
that i didn't succumb
to my illness's greed
when i swallowed the pills
and i kissed you goodbye
waiting for the train
to my home
in the sky.
was i wrong to be scared
when i called 9-1-1
when i told them the truth
of what i had done
or should i have waited
and let the life leave my eyes
and smiled in triumph
as i faced my demise.
those that love me would say
that i did the right thing
that it wasn't my time
to hear the angels
sing
but i never told them that i
heard no angels that day
just the screaming of
demons
when i tried to pray
to the god i wished so much
to take me
from this life that had succeeded
to break me
but just silence from he
who was supposed to be there
as i slipped into death's arms
i was all too aware
of the smell of hell's sulfur
polluting the air.
so i asked for help
though i wanted it not
and every day that i live
the smell of hell's all i've got
to keep me from trying
again and again, so
i'll just have to wait
for a more timely
end.

the more time that passes
the more i realize
how short a
lifetime
really
is.
the more i try to figure out
what i want to be
when i "grow up"
the more i
question
what that
really
means.
i thought that growing up meant
i don't get to joke around
or read for fun or
take a nap
or throw a
fit.
i thought it meant that once i
turned eighteen i couldn't
buy a happy meal or
make mistakes or
build a snowman
or cry for no
reason.
but it seems like the older i
get the more i want
to do childish things
as if clinging to
the age of
innocence
i so desperately
wanted to
leave
behind.
the older i get
the more i
understand
the plight
of peter
pan
and the more i wish
i could have
appreciated
when i
was a
child
and had all the time
in the world.

I think about that place a lot
and the time I spent there
those three, excruciatingly
long days
and the things that lead me
to my stay.
life had finally pushed me
over the brink
and I took a few too many
pills one night,
a whole bottle, or two
trying to flush out
the demons
I always seemed to be
wrestling.
right before the high
set in
I began to panic
thinking of what my sister
would think of
if she saw me lying
dead and cold
on the floor
and I worried who might
find the body
since I was all alone
in that
apartment.
so I did the one thing
I wished no one would
upon swallowing...
I dialed those 3
numbers ingrained in each
American's brain.
I don't remember much
from that point on
except that I
went in an ambulance
at 3 in the morning
and I think I
remember feeling
sorry for the EMT's
because I was such a waste
not worth saving.
I think I remember my
doctor's face
and the soft coo of his
voice as he guided
my hand to
sign on the
dotted line.
I don't know if they
pumped my stomach
and I don't know
how they got me
from the
ER
to the psych ward
but I woke up
in strange clothes
in a strange bed
with a crying
roommate
and a cranky nurse
holding pills
in my face
that I couldn't
swallow
because I feared
I had no more
room in my
belly, not even
for one more.
And I stayed there for
3 days
but the one thing
I never told
a soul
was that those 3 days
were the most
serene days
I ever knew
tucked inside those
walls
with all the crazies
and their dolls
I am afraid to admit
it sort of felt
like home
and for once I
didn't feel so
alone...

I've been awake
for so long
now
that I can't
remember what
dreams
feel like
and though I rest
all day
I never feel
rested.
I'm restless and
tormented
by the
decisions I
have made
and I
find no
solace
in your arms
like I
did
before.
So many thoughts
swimming
against the
natural current of
my mind
giving me
daunting
headaches
that keep me
awake
for days.
I feel frantic
like there
is something I
forgot
to do
but I know that's
absurd
because I
haven't planned
on doing
anything
for a very
long
time.
I'm content to
just sit here
and waste
my life
away.