Im irritable
And volatile
I can't help but notice
Nothing feels right anymore
And when I start to feel
Happy
Something in me says STOP
You aren't allowed to
Feel that way.
I cringe at your touch
But I find myself
Resenting you when you
Turn the other way
To sleep without
Me in your arms
And when you smile and say
I'm beautiful
It makes me want to
Slap the grin off your
Hideous face
The face I love
To hate.
This bitterness has made my mouth
Numb
From swallowing all these
Feelings for so long
And I noticed that you don't
Smile like you
Used to
Because you know what goes on
In the darkest corners
Of my mind
Even when I don't.
You know me better than
I know myself
But you really don't
Know me
At all...

i think i started five poems just now
trying to find the right words
some days they flow with ease
some days they sound
strained
the backspace button shows
the most wear on my keyboard;
i wish there was a
backspace
for life...
i stared at the screen too long
and it went black
tired of waiting for me to
think of some clever combination of words;
i never set a screensaver
there's something weird about those.
i read a poem the other day
by a poet telling us
what it takes to be
a poet
but i think anyone can be
whatever they want;
who are we to judge
when we are always writing
about those who
judge us?
our species is endangered
in this age of mindlessness
we are the catalyst
for creativity
the embers of the fire
started by the great minds
of ancient times...
will we let it die completely
or will we succeed
at rekindling its
greatness?

sometimes you ask me
where i go
when i seem so far out of reach
staring out my window
stopping short
half way through
a conversation about
me and you
and you get upset
when I sigh and tell you
that I
forget
cuz when i go to that
place
it leaves no sign
no trace
that i was ever there...
i watch as you try
to understand
why
i act the way i do
but i just smile
cuz i know
you'll be waiting
a while
cuz i haven't even
figured it out for
myself yet...
all i can say
is that i love you
today
and that really is
the best that
i can do
cuz the only thing
between me and
you
is your inability
to accept me
for me.

But I've been stuck in my own
                               Pluvial place for so long that
                  I no longer know what
                                                 Clear skies look like.

The devil once told me

Not to play with fire.

I don't know how to say
What I want to say
Or the words that you need to hear
To be ok
Or the excuses that will work
To calm your nerves
Or the things I need to do
To be the daughter
You deserve...
I don't know what to do
To fix my life
Do I need to be a friend
Or a sister
Or wife?
Do I have what it takes to
See this life through
Or am I too weak
Too meek
To stay true
To myself...
What words should I utter
To calm the shutter
I felt since the day I was born?
What things do you need to hear
To make you forget
Your daughter, your dear
Sweet wreck of a spawn
The girl with a head that's not quite on
The right way...
I have tried for so long
To belong
To this family
Yet the harder I try
The more that I die
Inside...So should I sacrifice
What's left of my happiness
So you can be a
Class A mom?
I hope that you know
That it's only a show
And the smile I wear
Isn't really there,
Is that fair
Of you to ask me to do?
I give up....it's up to you.

(Like how badly I want you to **** me
When you're trying to
Yell at me...
Like how much I want you to hold my hands
Behind my back and sink so far into my body
That I feel it in my soul...
Like how much it turns me on when
You press me into the mattress
With your hand around my throat
When you're trying to
Intimidate me...
Like how fiercely I hope for your kisses to turn to
Bites and I'll bleed all over the bed
And I'll sink down to my knees
While you hold me by
My hair
And make me **** you dry....)
So all I say is "Good night, I love you"
While I roll on my side
Pressing myself against you desperately
Hoping these are
Your wishes
Too...
But how would you know
If I'm too afraid
To tell you?