this year i have known loss
like an unpredicted storm.
i lost my mind,
long before i ever admitted i did,
to the tempest raging inside,
kicking up everything in her path.
i tried to stay where the sun is
but I've been sobbing for a wink of sleep
at 3am.
i fill the restlessness
with twisted allegories about a future
in which my mind isn't in smithereens.
i line my eyes brightly to distract you
from the madness and sadness
wildly coursing behind them.
and you believed me when i told you i was okay.

i pray for sleep tonight
and if i do sleep,
i pray i wake up the same person.
i know you're tired of the different sides
and i'm too tired to pretend i care

i cant afford the therapy i need
so i take another drag
of stolen cigarettes and lips
that have no business near
my sharp tongue.
last year felt like you and i
were the only 2 alive.
this year i wish i could die
on command