Love, Have it

and sabotage my insides, lightly, over espresso
nearly and dear, you have a petit face, hephurn, burn, burn
nice and sax, frazzled tenor sax, her voice, innocent, behind
nice, chocolate-coated and cool
I feel a
magic

I am capable of being an inticate wirter,

I have the happensatance on happenstance,
a
nd lecture to the gods that made wine and whiskey decent,,

so I'll sar face, and tell you that I will dissolveinto a bottole of decent phd balanced wtaer...

you are amiliar with thoseairpborre [ils? yeah thats's thow I go,,
I dissovlvejust just like a hellbent sailor, and a hellbent sailor ispnetjhat smils sand glssensup the deck


and isdefinitel inthe crowsnest

One more thing

I like to strut
across the stage
and wear the finest, yes
rocker boots
I'm bowie and Morrison

I exude, yes

and I take a drag of a cigarette
just to flick it

I wear a chain around my neck
and I dance around my apartment
to billy idol
and I sweat, sweat, sweat sweat, sweat

I get ******* and kiss ***
I get ******* and perform and drop the microphone

my virtue
is kindness
because its easy to be nice

when you've got a nice smile

model, model model
you remind me of an actor
that I've seen, oh yes
I appreciate that
mannerisms and pleasantries

a self portrait?  sure why not

you know what I mean...

in the eyes of whom, exactly?

the state?  the state has no control, the money runs the people, the people are motivated by money, the power is ran by the incentive to feed a family, to gain status

right?   what right do you speak of exactly?

Rights in the eyes of god?  Whose god are you referring to?  the god??  there are many gods,

Are you an atheist and still believe you have a right as a human being alone?  so then, what is a human being? how do you classify human?  are we animals with clothes on?  

you say rights, you assume rights?  whose rights?  what constitutes a right?

you say democracy, rule of the people?? the best way, oh yeah yeah yeah

rights rightsirthrigh rights  rights rights rights rights

rights rights rights rights rights rights
ri gh t
rite
rite right?  write????? write right right

de mo cra y- people people govern people create people create society create people

what do you mean???? what do your words mean???

A bottle of budwiser is a bottle of budwiser
Remove the stickers and its a bottle of beer
Drink the beer and it is a brown bottle
smash the bottle and it was a fight, anger, a memory
the glass in the morning is waste for the garbage collector

I’m waiting for that titter tatter of brain matter to come in and let me know whats really going to happen below the belt, I’m waiting for that slash of mystery finish that will reveal whats hiding at the end of the tunnel, I’m waiting to be tossed about, build and ravished and destroyed, smashed into a million pieces and turned into tinker toys, I’m wanting to be broken down by scientific analysts only to be a mistake mystery explanation for string theory.  I’m hoping for a mixture of time axis, along the equator, letting the jukebox serenader agree to the next fashion statement.  I’m marveling at the mystery of mixed up majestic time tables, who will lead me to exactly where I need to be.  I just want the sweet marmalade nectar to fall down my throat and lead me to a dreamless sleep so I may wake up and know exactly where my destination lies, no coffee, complete. I’m yearning for the woods to call on my name and show me the nook where the fallen spirits lay and they will help me, take my hand and show me the horror so I know when to hide and when to come out and be alive.  I’m gazing at paintings and marveling at the different colors and letting the textures be examples of how to stroke and at the precise moment when a mirage becomes a masterpeice.  I’m noodling with the spaghetti stories and taking my turn to lead it to the guru who will finish it with one hand held up, and a finger gone, understanding the principles of buddhism.  I’m throwing knives in the air and letting them fall into the sand then dropping acid and doing a dance between their places, knowing very well that I may land and meet my gruesome death.  I am putting my feet up and staring at the ceiling and knowing its distinct features, its bubbles, its textures, and the answers?  they are only in the subtle hum of the air conditioner, the ceilings stoic nature, and the space between.

songs, senses pleasing themselves, beat, of silence, song, of *******, of lubrication, beat, of the time in a shift in conversation, expression, in the birds, who do it instinctually, to people, who do it as sponges, yes.  we are all spongbob, hurting and dancing and blowing bubbles, ready, ready, ready

I'm the muskrat
Hairy, hazy, crazy, rat tailed
Pretty coat
I'm a rodent, a little flea, a pesky, petty problem, what you gone do about me?

I'm the muskrat, the mouse who flossed his teeth, fat when necessary

Far fetched and reaching, digs fast, burrowing, the scrat, the muskrat, low, low voiced, low creeping, smokey scrat ain't good for crap, the muskrat,

Breath Jim bean and smoke green, tell bad jokes just to be mean

Grrr urrnn, grrr urrnn raunchy, metal and eggs in the morning , coffee with cream, conditioned, spitting and ******

The muskrat

many more to come?  back in the saddle with me, here I go, racing with time, trying to fix this and that, held back by small things said, tinkering with the abstract, thoughts of a pendulum grandiose swifts swaying three ways, three times, over and over again, coming up short, a parody of sorts, teachers not caring to comment, B's a great and C's acceptable, supposed to go to a play, to a thing, a thing a thing,


supposed to go to this and that, supposed to find out a time

schedules, scheduling, nobody really profiting, meetings held for three hours, right after lunch break, everybody too tired, right before, everyone too sleepy, giving it away, giving it away

where is the water going?  How are we going to fix it?

I am the neutral being
self delusion- through new lenses I a mmmm seeeingngnggI will fooatttttt
through the night to fiiiiind a new light, a new person, another revealing

DUM DUM yeeee, I want to sing this right now

but I don't know what

You can read your book and it will tell you
how to
See
think before
Acting
You can read it
You can watch it on a screen
And it will let you be there
Before you
Act it
You can speak it ******
and you can hear it
Before you go
You can
Dig
And that's about
it

Then there's the Do
there's the Try
You've got he reason why
only between you and
God

and its inherent
it's bound between the reams
in the inflections
electirified
through the chords
and strings

Take it with
Your daily
Coffee
and whatever Pill
gets you through the day
and hey
I hope it works out
For you
Lessons
Perspectives
Changing

Like airport gates

Popping like bubbles

In a spring breeze

whisper, whisper to me, put water on my lips, my arms rest off the side, stroke my hair, my stomach on the hard wood, a kiss on the cheek, a bit of kindness, a story of new lessons, give that to me, know which direction we are heading, with the small flashlight at the bow, flinch it every half an hour to keep the batteries functioning, wind it up if anyone gets a second wind, without coffee, with coffee, bobbing up and down, stroke my hair again, gently, whisper an L, whisper a synth, a simple, take my side, the water is cool, the cave is dark, the flashlight will work, I crank, I crank

merry setter, merry go round of go-getters, attempting to lurch at the next bit of bread, the bourgeois making their bets, sat quietly at cafe at ate pizza, evening, middle of the day, lost track of time, bull wind, a time lapse of mystery novels all intertwining, at the very heart the mystery of new life, the anxieties building up around it, what's going to happen to it?  

in new york cars pass by and horns honk as the coffee brews and brisk is barely bearable, anxious to hear new news, anxious to get the next job, whats in store, whats in front, a song is thought for the next sell, car lots and cheap motels.  honesty is a feedback loop, existing out of time and space, making its way around the prongs of video games, the memory cards are stashed, and the men don't know where the next card to be had is at

The laptops rest and the lights of sleep purr, the reading glasses rest on top and not a soul in the house stirs, blank walls and blank faces, even frowns as it all brews down, the green light flickers here, the last bit of sunlight is the only constant, echoes from the freeway flicker and draw back a curse, of perpetual seriousness, of stoic enterprise, stuck out of time, once, and only, again

I once thought that people were easy to please, I had intact a naivety, but now I see that people are even easier to please, and that my naivety is in fact a wisdom, and that wisdom is weightless, it dismisses everything and accepts love into its heart, and cradles it there, like a bear with its cub, yes, its a sweet thing

I once thought that I wasn’t capable of much anything, and I still think that sometimes, but then I remind myself that there are doers and don’ts, and the doers do while the don’ts talk about what the doers are doin, and thats just a cycle of productivity, and somewhere in the center is an easy rider, a guy on his motorcycle, with his hair blowing in the wind

little about last nights performance
I sang a song for the bartender
I said something like
tip your bartender
or something like that
it was cheesy
but I think the old guy appreciated it
he charged me less for my beers
when I left


But I did a few numbers
mingled with other artists
everyone was very respectful
and one artist said to me
"no disrespect or anything, but I wasn't paying attention during your set"
and he was genuine about it, he had long hair, kind of the last breed of new york beatnik
he was almost saying naumas day to me or something like that
and I responded,
"no its good for me, It makes me better when people aren't playing attention because it challenges me"

the look in his eyes was sincere, again
we didn't say anything to each other after that

Ben and I have plans
to put together a show
and we're gonna do a poetry set

I felt so guilty
for leaving early
the truth is I didn't feel like sitting through their set
I was tired and I had to wake up early for therapy
so I got up and started walking out
the bartender only charged me six bucks for two Guinness and a shot of whiskey
and I went back and grabbed my coat
and I was out of there
and took a cab home

and go over old poems
and think of what could have been
and sigh, that beard looked pretty cool
with the scarf
I looked ready to take on the world

but I've changed, I don't look the same
I took the medication
and now I sit
and look over old poems
wondering where the madness went

is the big one coming yet?  I'm anticipating it

god ******, *******, you already feel better
you god ****** *******, sometimes you just gotta talk like hunter

and ****** it grows
I sing at the top of my lungs
and let it breath in the room
I picture myself staring at paintings in the museums
at Silverware!  something so still
and I am limitlessly fascinated
Yes, it is there, and I am Free!  I persist!  and I insist
I say Freedom with a capitol F
FREEDOM
and I ring!  I am not tied to anything
I am young, I will learn to play guitar!  
I am young, and I sit and laugh about Jersey boys
music has meaning
the video games are fun
the movies entertaining
and I will drink in the bathtub
and simmer in it

I am reassuring everyone in my life that everything is going to be okay
while in the meantime I'm truly just
fine
really, its fine
IT has
heartbeat
and IT has
pulse
and IT grows
leaves
and there is
beer
and
bed
and
rent

those things are all fine, and fine is
fine

and I don’t really yearn for anything outside of that
life is brilliant to witness

every day
and every day

I witness it
and bite into it
the pulp is
Fine

and I wait
I do not walk into traffic
I fear death

rational

and ongoing

I suppose that I

have something figured out

I’d like to take a walk
but its raining

and I look into the mirror
and I look

great

like I should be advertising scotch
my beard looks stern
and my eyes
strong

my blazer hangs off my shoulders
fierce

yes, things are

Fine

and the pulse
and the breath
and the leaves

Stranded at edges, holding onto nothing, got nothing but a few pairs of decent clothes, your scarf, holding on with nothing but a few tree branches, the wind carrying off with madness, outs a fairytale ride, in the rearview mirror is pride, looking at you, mocking you, some sort of biological mistake, unstuck out of certainties, what the ****?  try to give me some sort of detail, and i'll escape down the slide towards my own sanity!  

Oh what? you're mad at me?  fault is in the heart, and fault has to do with who gets caught, fault has to do with the self, fault in law and thought myself

so... what doesn't want to be written?

myself!  it scurries away from me when I least expect it, peter pan would have to sit down scratch his head and think about this one

god ******, shoot it with a bow and arrow!   pin it down and force it to choke up a few lines that actually mean something!!

no no, waste of time, I guess, waste of time

I try
hard
to fit in
I wear a
jacket and I
speak and I
finish and I
don work dowodkdowkrdpwowrkkdi
doesn'tworkrjsowrksrorksr
works sometimesgododayyaogodoaodogdoyaoo
worked today really ajdydkajyjakyjkdjyjyaydakyj
I like it hwnejafjajdfjdjafjdjajfjdjafjj

yoou'reecepetiionallll I rate my self a 10
I AM NNONFOOOOO I AM LACED WITH SALVIA TRIPPING SUICIDE

that's great!  remember, Progress, not perfection

****, I don't know what to do about it
at one moment, it is in my grasp
and the next it escapes me
I get lost again, waking up from some sort of high class dream
left again with the coffee, the quesadilla, worries worries worries
trying to just take it day at a time,
when you wake up in a fury you feel like the world has already left for the station
My center lost, now nothing  to do but to read the news, ask the questions

Here's another one, people who's business it is to care, care and business coinciding, how fascinating.  The two working in tandum, doesn't really make much sense to me, where's the edge, whats the distinguishing quality?  Business and care, a quality product perhaps?  No, not when the product is care itself no... ethics?  Driven by ethics, he must be loyal, he must be of a house cat, with infinite curiosities, he doesn't see me as a person, rather a science exp-per-i-ment

no, I repent

moral code?  conduct?  character?  he practices too much humility to be some sort of a jesus figure, no, too predictable, no the bible is but a book, no he is of PHD, which has inherent philosophy, also enjoys farts smelt in a tall champagne glass, catch my gas?


Flaws are fascinating, working in tandem with our most sacred qualities, gravitating towards the impossible, what can can can, no no no, how many lenses can we derive before we begin to make sense of things?  read the news just to make sure a comet isn't coming from space, thinking of complications as layers, layers like when you're driving down 280 and you see the city begin layer with the rest of the hills ahhh yes...that anecdote

Personable persons practicing pharmasudicals PAH

no no no, sit and wish and wonder, he's.... god ******

can't figure that ****** out

and first things first I have my breakfast
eggs, bacon, toast, coffee
then I buy a six pack and now I'm sitting here
unsure of what to do with myself

I sit here writing
from the top of somewhere
I do not know
what the future will bring
but I am what I am
and that is it
wherever you go, there you are
wherever you go, there you are
wherever you go, there you are?

wherever you go, there you are
it’s a conversation
that you need to be careful about
it’s a conversation
that you need to be careful about
and we walk around
the abyss
and we walk around the abyss
letting ouresleves fall into another
time frame, another mixture
another melody that is meant to be broken
defined only by beauty
beaututy in all of its factions
and they go away away away
sway sway sway sway
allay allay allay
I can be the person
who invents the typewriter instrument
I can be the person
who invents the typewriter instrument

embrace is surrender, vulnerability is social, break down in hysteria in moments of genuine embrace, emotion is a paradox

****

Who am I?  


I can't figure it out, my self changes every day,

****

I was afraid of myself

but microwaved is just fine


sigh

goodbie

loveable entities hearing for fetters, the simmering waters, the pigeons with their beaks, manners, manners in their eyes, their ideals, the patio, the people, the place to stay, the place for dance, yeah, the place jest to

jest to

jest to

loveable entities eating out their souls, lightning to the fearful foes, seemingly freed from bearings but always flipped, flipped, flipped,

perception, the *****, in the sense of lesser,


fight fight fight fight fight!!!


they're gonna grab us!!!


fight fight!!!

they're out for me, the ones who I knew and loveDWa

NADHT THEREY"RE NOT GONNA AUQIUET

HAHA
OaHHGFH


don't deceive me, don't leave me, neither neither neither, tossing the chandelier, chucking the feather, cunning is nothing, no no, no, no hero

a talk, here and there, smoke

David was right, about this and that

yes, yes yes, and he, looks out the window when he is speaking

his voice is a relaxed tenor, with a gruff, with a trimmed, kept white beard, healthy looking

progress not perfection

practice humility and you will never be humiliated

what do you mean by this?  what does that mean in relation to yourself?

the laughs, we laugh, irony, george carlin

just sighs, but the productive ones, the ones that a train makes in its initial conflict with the engine, the wheels clinking over the spokes, the passengers looking out the window in reserved anticipation, children asking for more candy

just, therapy, a relationship of authenticity, but then you have to ask what is authentic, the self is starting to drive me crazy, I feel who I am changes every day

I am one at a party, and I celebrate my new found self, and it is opened and it climaxes,

and then I emerge from the sofa and it stinks of stale smoke, the floors sticky, and

I am in the shower and naked, naked, water, euphoric, cleansed

and I look in the mirror, and who?  what?  

is an imagination capable of shifting the behavior enough that reason can be manipulated, and even the most insane, deviant ideas can be justified with symbols, language?  the right language,

centered, strong defense, high jump, killer right jab,

hm?

I don't know

Idleness

hm

tend to garden

alright.

sing it in my ear, a little cliche that you know
would make my day much better
coffee and beer, without you here
I'd like to have you here

who could resist being up this early and watching the MOON DISAPPEAR before my eyes?  

I’m still here, but the moon decided to go to sleep


I feel very grandiose about this, I must have more stoicism than the moon, even


and I take a long pull from a ten dollar brut and I congratulate myself  in the way the french know, with a flick of a wrist and a nose into the frame..


could it be any more of a wonderful sweaty awful burden?

could I be more tempted?  I will lick it all like a puppy

my tongue will develop horrible callous and pallups

Id have to start using extra care listerine and pop them and watch the blood ooze down the mirror from my snarly, yellow tongue

but i swear, it would be worth it

I’d taste the smoke coming from the chimney

I’d taste the fluorescent bulbs in the billboard advert. reminding me about time..

I’d like the palm trees that are so stoic themselves they are of stone…

the freeway would taste like used cigarettes and budwiser and jizzy ribbed trojans


the balconies and rooftops would be clean, the gravel cared for at least a month ago,

three months ago

birches and tastsy jerky wood.  resin in the immediate shubbary.... and dust and cobwwebs growing adjacent to the jerky wood.  Myraid of birds, ranging from small birch-types to crows.  A lingering dominant hawk.  A giant possum crossing between borders carrying unborn infants.  Dusty walls with abandonded spiderwebs- insect carcassases dangling, still.  Pool motors revving in every direction lets of a subtle hum that compliments the planes descending and ascending oer-head

the water is grainy yet cool and healing.  the sprinklers function at midnight and sometimes on the weekend.  Maintinance trucks, expensive commuter vehicals, modest vehicls, unmanned vehicles, arrowhead trucks, macdonalds trucks, safeway trucks....

the earth is still wheaty and chalky adjacent the jerky trees, the jerky trees have little hairs and appetizing off red color, the bark saddles off with grace and with a satisfying tare.

Boymanthing, a silly and serious melody

from vanity to wisdom, one asks the question, are they one in the same thing?

punishment?  cruelty?  are they necessary?

a boy learning to walk on the stage, in front of everyone, that is where he belongs

but doesn’t know how to get there, the distance, so far away

but in his recent history.

he learns to let go of the notion that he needs to sell his soul for beauty

and begins to live his life, fully

So much energy
So much countless energy
Dedicated to one thing
And one thing only
Hit him up for a lesson
And he will teach you his ways
Hung up on memory projection
Out of state, out of state
Imprisoned, shackled down by the few, the many
Expressionless and absorbed by many colors
Making a few marks on majesty, uncovering the beauty of it all
Unhurt by logic, untouched by sound
Spitting in greater reasons
Great and small
Waiting till the point that you either have to die
Or drop the ball
Whatever that may be
Whatever that may look like
Increasing in hands and ski technology
Expressed by numerous representatives all wanting an equal shot at each other
And ending up on pages and pages worth of mill and junk and whatever needs to be said and whatever needs to be born
Deciphered decouple disinherit, side vowed
Interlocked and interwoven
Machine like aristocracy
Misjudging so quickly
Misjudging like an abyss judges the appropriate time to go by
Mixing it up on a rotating mirror of color,hands free interact interact
And make space Angela out of whatever is left
It is finally here
Performing for you

why should I have to suffer?  the right little yellow likes to lighten me to flies floating around the grass reflecting the sunshine, why do I need to feel the pain?  the news on my phone, on the counter, hurting in vain, the redwood tree indifferent, the poison, the expression, the name, but to suffer?  why should a person go through such a thing?


to suffer is to contemplate, to consider, no, more like to control, to fathom control, because power sounds like a word used for pokemon cards, but its in the atmosphere, feeding from the roots, making its way up, trickling down from tops, to suffer is not necessary

to see a person who has a phd and to justify lack of suffering with a set time to see, to emote, yes, and yes and oh, and working, and progress, and the yellow lovely, the yellow lovely sitting in my bathroom drawer, let it in, I do not deserve to suffer in this way, let it in, let me be the redwood tree, and I'll pass, indifferent

temptation arises out of every little shower head nozzle, they seep and they search and they cloak my body


I hardly move, I harly care if it is hot, if it is cold


it’s as if the forks squeak indefinitely but the feet are handcrafted and dropping E minor on a D and calling it’s square even, female singer, butler drummer

or more like a metal rod from a factory that has somehow made it’s way into a tether ball poll, one of the ones that stands for a hundred years until a desperate housewife calls it *****- and (they replace it with a post modern neck breaking device)


I feel humbled by the stony clay that surrounds my chest and enters my fingertips



and the razors on my lips turn up at tv channels I simply detest

will this engine cease?


sometimes I wish it would

I can't stop thinking, my mind is on an uncontrollable think fest, I can' stop thinking about the future, I can't stop thinking about where I'm headed, what I need to do next, I can't stip focusing on my plans

digger digger digger

I dig so fast my body gets in cramps, in cramps
I understand what it is to reach it, reach it,
I dig fast, I dig fast
so dig it, dig it

Woe the charisma of this place
One kid who was alpha, is alpha
Is in trouble because he hit someone
Or someone hit him
And he decided it was just to hit back
And coach sits him down and says
Life throws things at us, this life, this existence, he looks out over everything and he sees, he had been there, he has been all over, to prison, to award and glory, to dance floor, he has seen and he says this life, this life
And that is that

And the three of us
Look out over everything

upside down

tried to let it be turn around

my porch is a little ferris wheel

and I curl up inside, and its a bit brisk

but thats alright, coffee is good

and so are deep breaths, but my mind, again

tangled round the telephone wires

there are a few things bothering me

but they emerge with a laughing track in the background, and I grin to myself

sober and straight thinking, a bit alert, a bit anxious, but present

my mothers so tired, tired tired

but she is trying, trying

going to spain to see my brother

everything seems to be fine

heading to new york to see my lover, my passion, she drives me mad

and I'm a lopsided man fiddling with a soup can, people can't **** straight

that's the **** of most jokes, that are told

and I laugh at those ones hard, but I laugh at myself hardest

kick back, take easy, take step, take stride, ***** up, in the ditch, dust myself off

dad said worry less

and he's right

therapist said try harder
and he has truth

truth has its way of working its way round the telephone wires, too

born out of birds creating their energy, born out of timeless time, jokes told over and over again

and I am sentimental, my friend

as I sip and stare off, not my joke but his, but we share it, laugh, and stare off

over and over again

Everyone believes they are the king of their own worlds
Walking around with their hair grown long
Looking down over everythig
Flirting with the mysterious
They wear sunglasses
And speak rhythmically
Pulling out their cameras
Anticipating the next show
Everyone is a mini habitat
And that's how they go
Wandering, forever

I have lost a thousand poems
and I will lose a thousand more

I like to
rip
them
up

Delete, delete, delete
a creation, created
then destroyed
forever

affectionate passion! taking the wheel when I’m expressionless
too abrasive and unappreciative to read the next idea, to entertain without accepting
humility, humilation, blah blah blah
sick of school, sick of music
empty gatorade bottles
gratitude, gratitude gratitude,
Weeping for Jesus
slept
copy and paste
distraction, instant gratification
freedom in expression, but not in particular circumstances
fifth amendment, but only when white, and spoken with articulation in the appropriate moment
to computerize, to know when to tuck pride between the legs,
To ****** **** into space, but to be aware of the sparkling blue ring of consciousness,
oh morality! you’ve bailed me out and allowed me to let go of control! I am forever grateful
passion and reason, chemicals, neurons, science,
all language?
precision? Accuracy? N size? population? Academia? Institutionalized art?
give me the love potion, I'll take that ****

Is easy

for me

I clean the floors

and the dishes

and I give her kisses