I loved every inch of you,
Even if you didn't love YOURSELF,
Every scar, mark, mole, birthmark, and even every stretch mark, you were PERFECT.

I wouldn't change it for anything in the world,
I used to think your PERFECT,
But the ugliest thing in you is what no one else can see,
I really thought we were on the same page,
But we're chapters away,
I didn't really mind I loved you ANYWAY,

I loved everything about you..
The way you talked, the way your hair curled into perfect spirals after showers,
Your low key smiles, and your semi creepy stares,
I thought you were PERFECT,
But wait, there is a defect,

Like broken bones within the body,
Broken yet unseen,
Silent rejections,
Half truths and white lie deceptions,
That triggered insecurity & paranoia,

How you made me feel INVISIBLE,
Rejected & alone,
How you claimed you loved me but I always got 2nd place,
Those pieces of you invisible to the eye,
Caused further damage to a disturbed mind,

But I loved every bit about you,
Even if you did not,
And you were always perfect just the way you are,

But now,
I see all your different shades of grey,
Their poison in my life left their ugly stain,
No I don't think your PERFECT.
Not today, not anymore,
Just a beautiful hollow,
Vague, HEARTLESS, person who just uses you like a toy,
I'm stuck between love and hate..
Its burning in me EVERYDAY,
I split into different jaded versions of myself,
I'm starting to ******* hate you,
You ******* ***** couldn't even be a MAN,
But once I thought you were PERFECT...... A perfect *******

How many times will you let him minimize your worth?

How many times will you let him hold you down in a chokehold?
How many times will you accept his Pretty Lies as the truth?
How many times will you let him turn love into purples and Blues?

She says to me:
"It's all for love"
She says to me: it's all for love,
I say to her...
It's ALL FOR NONE!

Why don't you just go....
Why don't you just ******* run?
Never look back,
Never come back,
When will you say enough is enough and make it your own way,
Depend on NO ONE!

God is in the government,
For how long will you blindly follow
Rich men in office out to swallow,
All our riches and possessions,
All our prides and explore our indiscretions?

God is in the government,
A made up religion just to be able to control masses of people,

They use their power as a form of abuse,
To mentally *******,
Steal and rob you of hardset morals & dignity just to make a quick buck of you,

God is the Government,
A big fat LIE wrapped up real nice,
With the promise of heaven for all your sacrifice,

But I refuse to swallow the big pharmaceutical pill their body of government feeds us all to keep us tamed and brainless,

Religion is used as their secret weapon of destruction,
Make our differences from nation to nation the pseudo reason why we're always fighting wars with someone else,

God is the government,
They steal our futures by enlisting all your children to be soldiers,
Pack em up and ship them off to distant lands to die in war,

Your faith was built off a bribe,
Man maid lie manufactured by those who want to be keep control,
Knowing that with fear they can bend, **** and break you to KEEP us all BLIND and under control,

But God IS the Government,
They used our hunger for something better than what we're living,
As a false hope that if we do what were told we'll be rewarded in a heavenly world.

You and I have a pull that makes everyone gravitate toward you,
Like a magnet of an opposite gravitational pull,
But we are two different stars in the same milky Way,
I am sorrowful and melancholy,
You are charismatic and endearing,
Yet this opposite attraction makes for the best distraction,
Your strong presence makes flowers bow at your feet,
While my silent manipulation demands respect when I walk into the room,
I set wild fires with every step,
While you send rain to smoother flame,
You and I are not so different...
In fact were one in the same,
We both inhabit in outer space,
And one can't be the other without each other,
Your like a supernova burning bright, ignites the sky until it finally explodes,
And I am like the black hole left behind after a super sonic galaxy boom.

Kitty cat wants to come out and play
Kitty cat is stuck in a cage
Kitty cat scared of the rain
But Kitty cat hasn't been pet all day
Kitty cat picky as ****
She don't really like anyone
Kitty cat likes milk on her lips
But Kitty cat gets dry kibbles and bits
Kitty cat needs a new owner
Her last one is dead and gone
Kitty cat needs someone to love
She likes to chase for the fun
Kitty just chases her tail
*** every player always gets scared and bails

I've watched the day from sunrise to sunset,
I've watched it turn from day to night and back again,

My body is tired,
My mind's awake,
The soul it NEVER rest,

The days my mind finally shuts down,
My body crumbles....
They are the Best,
Those are the nights I close my eyes,
Close my mind and finally put myself to REST.

I'm sober now
My head ain't stuck in a smoke cloud
I'm smart now
But I still feel like I'm dumb

I know now
Right from wrong
But I been dead for so long that I'm still numb

What stings the most
Are talks with my mother over coffee
She reminds me
Of all the things I used to do

She tells me
Prima, you're really good with your hands...
Remember when you used to paint and fix things?

I stay silent because I know
I know I used to be so much more
I've finally grown up enough to come out my shell
And explain to her all the drugs I did killed my inner self

She tells me
Prima, you used to sing so good...
Maybe you should go back to that it was therapy to you,
I tell her I don't do that anymore..
I don't have time
But I know I lie

I'm sober now
And I feel myself coming back to life
Yet there is still a part of me that dies
I don't feel things like I used to do before

Before the drugs
Before twisted love
Before this thing they call growing up

What stings to me the most
Is the things my mother knows
The things that I forgot that I can do
That most girls dont

She says to me
Prima, didn't you used to dance with a hula hoop?
I said.. I stopped doing that because I got so skinny from the withdrawals that it hurts

My mother she reminds me of all the things I forgot that I could do
Like outsmart the cops, fix my car, and create things with these broken hands I own

I know how short the time is
I know that it's not infinite
I basked in the sunshine and took advantage
Not knowing how short life is

One day I'm so deep in love with you
I thought it was forever
Next day I get a phone call
The coroner needs to identify your cadaver

I know how short the time is
I know that it's not infinite
One day I thought you were my lover
The next day I almost got ***** by our mutual friend

Still I'm kinda stubborn
I don't wanna believe hope does not exist
I don't wanna be cold like my mother
I want to feel loved again

I know how short the time is
I know that it's not infinite
But for now I'd like to pretend
That I like you and you like me
so we can share warmth with our flesh
Before the pain is fresh

I've spent so long in hibernation
My heart has reached freezing temperatures
I know we don't get much time together
I'd like to savor these moments

I'd like to pretend I'm Robin Hood stealing time with you

Push the plunger,
Pull the thread,
Stars in my eyes,
I can be anything when I am HiiGH,
Kiss me sweetly,
Blood on my lips,
Licked that poison off the top of a needle,
Push the plunger,
Stars in my eyes,
I only love you when I’m high,
After the train has left the station…
***** dont touch me!!
It stings like broken glass,
Left these track marks all on my arms,
Push the plunger,
Pull the thread,
I am nothing when I am DEAD

I bought nirvana in a tiny red balloon
I tasted euphoria at the tip of a needle
I saw my dreams burn at the bottom of a silver spoon
I threw the cotton in to absorb all my demons

I drew blood for the first time at the age of 18
I mixed innocence with the devil that day
He took me by the hand and said:
"Let's go for a ride"

10yrs later my soul had died
It's been 20yrs now since I had my first taste
And today I can say I've split even

Another 10yrs I've spent redeeming myself
For the decade I pawned to the devil and now I can buy my soul back

I'm like a Venus flytrap
I don't move for anyone
I don't go chasing my dinner
or my lunch

I'm like a Venus flytrap
I stay still within my potted soil
I only open my jaws when waiting for my food to land

I'm like a Venus flytrap
Trapping boys within my jaws
Once my trigger hairs are touched
My leaves snap shut
Sealing my prey inside

Waiting for disintegration
Turning you to liquid
as I swallow you whole

I'm like a Venus flytrap
My body only opens up a limited amount of times
If you touch me too much
my life expires
and I will surely die

I need some deep stimulation
I need some real conversation
Sick of these one sided responses
I'm bored with your lack of acknowledgement

I'm tired of bland personalities
I like seasoning in my chicken
I feel like I'm talking to myself
When I'm talking to you..
I think...
Am I?
Hellooo?!?!?

I need some real stimulation
Talking to boys today feels like a simulation

Nothing feels real
Nothing feels here
Everything seems so foreign
So distant
So ******* platonic

Isn't it something ironic
You front like your so iconic
But baby I'm out of this world
You step in my pan
Baby I'm hot
you'll get cooked

I need some real stimulation
I need to feel like your present
I need to feel like your REAL

If you can't keep up
then honey I'm DONE
I'm ready to start with castration

All these vague admirations
Got me in a tangled frustration
I need a real connection
I'm sick of this simulation

If you can't deliver that talk
Then ***** please step off and take your *** to the back of the line where you ******* belong

Ya, I'm sad girl,
I'm a hurt girl,
Sink to the bottom,
Float to the top girl,
Because I want more,
Even though I'm still sore,
I can't play at the bottom and let it soak,
Cut my oxygen but I'll never croak,
Hold all my pain back in a chokehold,
Yes I'm a bad *****,
Got that mad itch,
Dont step over my toes I'll make your eye twitch,
The blood on my hands,
I had em wiped clean,
And there's nothing more they can take from me,
I had nothing to lose,
Everything to gain,
And life's just another roller coaster another gamble in this card game.

In the world of play pretend,
I pretend that I am dead,
In the world of make believe,
I believe maybe there is relief,

I found it at the bottom of a bottle,
I found it at the tip of a needle,
I found it burning at the bottom of a glass bowl,

In the world of play pretend,
I don't have to raise my fist,
In the world of make believe,
I believe I am at peace,
I never have to fight another human being for what is mine,
I never have to make deals with my demons for my soul back,

In the world of play pretend,
I pretend red balloons and bent up spoons don't bother me,
In the world of make believe,
I believe that clicking torches and plastic baggies don't trigger me,

In the world of play pretend,
I pretend I'm not this rageful girl that will set the world on fire,
In the land of make believe,
I make believe my soul can be as pretty as my face is,

In the world of play pretend,
I pretend I'm not always the bad guy,
In the land of make believe I try to make believe I can reverse all of my mistakes

I wanna wrap my arm around yours,
I wanna lean my head on your shoulder,
I wanna blow smoke to the sky
I want you to see the stars in my eyes,
Glossy, glossy, feel so high,
Glassy, Glassy, feels so nice,
I wanna feel special like I know I'm not,
I wanna fall in love with the lie of my life,
I wanna feel like that time I almost died,
I wanna feel your heart beat in mine,
I wanna lay with you like I always craved for,
I wanna walk away like I never knew ya,
I wanna fall in love with the lie,
I wanna kiss you under the stars,
I wanna swallow the smoke you blow in my eyes,
I wanna feel, touch, kiss, ****, sleep under a blanket of stars,
I wanna feel high, be alive just this ONE time

I'm sorry while I disappear..
It's the only thing that's real,
I'm sorry I don't wanna feel,
I'm killing all my sudden fears,
With absence,

I'm sorry if it's been too long,
Since the last time we have spoken,
I don't really have an explanation,
For all of my broken vibrations,

But disappearing is the only thing I'm good at,
Always running,
Always becoming,
Someone new,
Someone you don't know,

And maybe being a ghost is where I feel the most comfortable,
Because I have always been here... In body,
But my mind has always been gone,

Lost in space,
Lost in time,
Lost in all that could have beens,
I'm sorry that I disappear because it makes me feel unreal,
And I like it

I didn't give you flowers
I gave you a child instead
I tried to fertilize your soil
But when I found you
You were already dead

I tried to give you sunshine
You swallowed my light instead
That girl you made your wife
Turned to the darkness before she became a gem

I shoulda gave you flowers
When you were still my man
But you ****** upon my soil
And I wilted before our end

I shoulda gave you flowers
I gave you my heart instead
And now I place those flowers
Upon your shallow grave

I finally got my flowers
10 years after your death
It took your bones to fertilize my soil
So I can grow again

You said you're really good in bed,
And I might have to put you to the test,
You said you made love like a God,
But I gave you a taste and lemme tell you it wasn't ****,
All I did was lay there like the dead,

1,2,3 pumps you were all fluff just like a loaf of bread,
You couldn't tickle me if the joke was funny,

I got up and I left that bedroom running,
You were such a hack in bed!
You were such a lousy **** Wish I was dead,

Maybe your shy,
Maybe your not,
Maybe I make men nervous, And your talk looks more like Child's Play,

I'll give you one more chance to change my mind,
I'll give you one more chance to make it up to me,
You know me now,
So you can stop being shy,

Oh no, oh God it was terrible AGAIN!
1 pump..
1 1/2...
A minute man,
I guess I won't be seeing you again,

Your bed game ***** and your attitude stinks more than my regret,
I changed my mind,
I rather go blind,
I rather ******* than to let you make it "up" or down to me again.

The girl you used to know
I used to be is
GONE

There are only partial fragments
Like bones scattered by the
WILD

You will never be able
To find all her pieces
To put her back
TOGETHER

She lost all that made her
LOVELY
When she selfishly loved whole heartedly

The girl that stands before you
Is now a harsher imitation of her former self

The kind of love she gave was SELFLESS
Neverending
deep and sacred like the depths of the sea

But you all took advantage
Picked a flower
Instead of letting her GROW

And now she's just a
CONTRAST
Not even a color
Just like black or white
A SHADE

I write poems of woe,
Poems of hurt ,
Poems of feelings no one speaks of,

Don't ask me to smile,
Don't tell me I'm too pretty to be mean,
You don't know me,

Don't tell me to be sweet,
I'm bitter like coffee,
Need milk and honey to lighten your pallet,

I write about pain,
I write about those dark feelings you can't confess to your therapist,

I'll never be sweet,
I bite, I have teeth,
Don't touch me,
Don't talk to me like you know where I've been

Don't treat me like a delicate flower,
I'm deadly like nightshade,
I'm a spikey choke collar,
Don't handle me like I'm fragile,
Please don't be sweet

My mind's heavy with the words I don't say,
My hands are ***** with the work I put in,

My soul is drenched with the blood that I sprayed,
My body's covered in the scars of the pain,

I fought to gain more than I could get,
But my life's been a gamble for the bet that I've placed,

It ain't ok to think about the things I don't say,
But if I say them..
I'll be in four point restraints,

It's heavy..
But I have a mean poker face,
I don't show it..
I grimace through my dismay,

I told you,
My mind's heavy and you can't live in this space,
I'm a head case therapy and pills don't work for this damaged case

One day you'll adore them
Instead of only admiring from a distance,
Someday I'll grow in love
Instead of falling in and out of it,

One day you will be seen
But also heard,
Someday I want to make love
Instead of having casual ***,

One day you will find someone who wants you back,
Someday, maybe I'll want you too,

One day you'll give them all of your being,
Someday I'll get to keep all the love I ALWAYS give

The fire has long expired,
This one sided love got me bored and n tired,
You said you never saw me like that,
Like I was never to be loved,
Like I was never your girl and that's fine,
I get better with the time,
I'm that girl that ages like fine wine,
You're a grape that rotted off my vine,
Every word out of your mouth nothing but lies,
But now another one caught my eye,
And unlike you I know how to say goodbye,
And now I know you'll love me when I'm gone,
Love me when I'm DONE,
Miss me when you no longer can pick up that line,
Thought you can keep me in the back burner,
But honey I'm the burn and hurt you when I take my heart back,
And you can diss me when I laugh,
Miss me when you cry,
I always knew I'd leave a mark,
Leave a scar,
Leave your ***** bagged up in the back of my car,
And it will never matter what you do,
I will never come back to you,
And you can love me when I'm gone,
Miss me when I'm done,
But there is nothing you can have that I will ever, ever want

We are not free when we're always fighting,
What are we fighting for?

We fight for peace,
we fight at wars,
we fight in the name of the lord but whose god is the most?

The reasons for which we fight for has been lost in translation lost for reasons unknown,

Freedom is not free,
Freedom is not yours,
Nor is it mines at all,

We fight for equality,
Fight for a government that fills its own pockets with the blood and the sweat of the poor,

Fat cats get larger,
Cash turned to plastic,
Poverty stricken our hungry souls,
We starve in our own home country while we feed the ones throwing stones,

Freedom is not free,
Freedom is not yours,
Nor is it mine at all,

We fight for identity but yet still have an identity crisis,
And no one knows who they are anymore,

We're controlled by pandemics,
Killed off by a virus,
We vote but our voice still isn't our own.

Let me drink from the rivers of your lips,
Let me fall into the iris of those dark eyes,

You can ride on the curves of my spine,
You can dive into the madness that is my love,

Let you lick the sweetness off my lips,
Grasp onto the dips of my hips,
I'll caress my fingers thru the mass of your hair,
Lay my head upon your rising chest,

We can get lost in the warmth of our skins,
Fuel the fire with the ardor like it was sin,
Kiss the sweat upon your brow,
Smile like I've never frowned,

I just want it to be dark n' sweet,
Like the whiskey that I drink,
I'll allow a savory taste of my quivering honey thighs,
I'll hold my breath until it's time to sigh

I tease the thought of what love could be,
I tease the thought with a fine toothed comb,
Weaving intricate designs that appeal to the eye and mind,
I think about all the fruits he brought,
Sweet tooth tricked my brain into thinking bitter fruit was bliss,
I tease the thought of love with ease,
But the bitter after taste stung my lips with a poisoned kiss,
I flirt with the fantasy that love may be real,
I **** the flame the moment I feel,
I've walked the walk enough times to know...
That love teases me and I don't tease it.

No one will ever know the mass of this dark hole
How much it's grown
How hungry it's  stomach growls
To feed off my regrets

No one will ever feel
The sorrows that cradle me
When I'm alone
When I have no one to talk to

She will never know
How heavy this large stone is
The one I carry despite all my apologies

He will never know
How much I really loved him
Despite how much he hurt me

And all this silenced pain I swallowed without a sound

They will never know
All I've ever known is how to do things the 'wrong way' and no one ever said "NO"  to me.. enough for me to stop

She will never know
That as I was raising her with love
I was still a child trying to learn
To give her the love I never knew

He will never know
How fiercely I defended him
How I was blamed for his death
And how the survivor's guilt of not being there has eaten me away

They will never know the hole that's deep within me
The one I filled with angst, violence and self destruction

No one will ever know the void that is now me
The hole that I so easily fill with smiles that tricks you into thinking that I'm fine

I got the call from a dear dear friend,
He got the call from his daughter Jessi,
He said "I think they found him you gotta come down to 14th st"
"He has no ID come identify him"

I had already been searching for him for about a week,
Missing persons with no name to him,
I dropped off the baby at school and took myself to 14th Street,

Cold blue sheet covering him,
They wouldn't allow anyone near his body,
Two dogs I've never seen there before guarded his remains,

The coroner stops me before I got too close,
I said: "I'm his wife, I got the call"
They showed me pictures of his post mortem,
Bruised like an apple tattoos disappear into the blue,

I took a look at three and said "Yea, that's my husband"
Everyone calls him Irish but his name was Craig Allen Whisler a tattoo artist from Toledo, Ohio

I'm petite
I'm not fragile
I'm meat
I'm not glass

I eat
Like I'm not hungry
But I bite
Like I'm STARVING

I stay celibate
Not by choice

I'm just tired
of opening my body
to undeserving lovers

I keep chastity
To keep my sanity
Because sometimes I don't play well with others

But I'm raw
Like premium sushi
It ain't fun
If it isn't rough

Don't be tender
I ain't soft
Mark my body
With a pretty bruise

I wear bite marks
Like the rich wear diamonds
I leave claw marks
Like the undead trying to escape a coffin

We can toss around
Like a merry-go-round
Don't you act
Like you ain't been around

I like that grip
Around my throat
Make it tight
Like a cherry chokehold

I will smile
Like you gave me flowers

Just because I reject everyone
Doesn't mean that when I finally ****** you
I won't ******* for hours

He's gone,
But I'm still here,
He's held me captive for so many years now,
I've stopped having those dreams where I've moved on but always returned to my torturous old home,
Where he won't allow me another lover,
Where I am no longer comfortable in,
Where it no longer brings warmth or joy,
Just a vision of my ruins pain and despair,
I have a chastity hugging my throat,
From it hangs a rose crystal meant for healing,
But in return only holds me as it's only prisoner

Hold me
I'm trying to keep my pieces in
Hold me
I'm tired of not fitting in
Hold me
I'm tired of exploding
Hold me
I'm sick of being in the cold
Hold me
I'm not as hard as I may look
Hold me
I promise you that I am warm
Hold me
I'm longing to be human again
Hold me
Before the sudden change of temperature forces me to break like glass

My hands are hard and callous,
Veins swollen,
Skin's tight,
I can barely close my fist,
My fingers stiff and unaligned,
Each knuckle bares a scar,
From each tooth and chin I made contact with,
Arthritic, numb, & unapologetic,
Sore fists still swinging blows,
Although it hurts to use them...
Stubborn is the host,
And even if these hands are battered,
When I draw blood it's the moment I savor the most,
I'm quick to anger,
There is no cool off until a blood vessel is expanded,
I'm cold with malice,
These hands are calloused,
Don't **** with me if you ain't ready for the bleed

I don't want that fake kinda love
Love you only under the sheets
love you only in the dark

I want that real kinda love
Old fashioned like a sundae with a cherry on top
Love you in the daylight
Fix it when it breaks apart

I don't want that cyber kinda love
Artificially generated
Love you only in private
Don't even know you in public

I don't want that fake kinda love
I want the real love
The kind that makes you wanna show off

I don't want this Gen Z kinda funk
Act like you want me
then act like a punk

I want that real kinda love
Old fashioned ******* the rocks

I don't want this hide how you
feel because you trying to be hard
I want that classic vintage
Coca-Cola with ******* type of love

I kissed the sun,
I raised the dead,
I took another shot to the head,
he asked me "baby you need another one? You good?"
And I said "I'm ok",
I took that shot of matchstick ******, leaned back on momma's bed,
turned blue I flatlined then,
I kissed the sun,
I joined the dead,
The baby's screaming like an alarm clock and she crawls to me,
Im drenched,
I wake,
He says "sorry baby your face is gonna hurt tomorrow"
He says "you stopped breathing and you were blue we threw you in the tub there's no response",
"We slapped the **** out of you" ,
I licked the sun,
Flirted with death,
I tasted for once all the damage I had done,
Momma came home she never knew just hours ago her baby laid dead in her bed,
This was the 3rd time that I blotted out the sun,
And it's the last time I'll take my soul back

He had blue eyes,
blue like the sky,
He had red hair,
Red like the sun,

I have brown eyes,
Brown tiger eye stones,
I have black hair,
Dark as the night in a starless sky,

But he had blue eyes,
Cold icy blues,
And he had red hair,
Fiery like his anger,

I have pink lips,
Pink like the scars you left me,
And I have red nails,
****** like this love you gave me,

He had blue eyes,
Broken Blues,
And he left me broken..
Broken like a bruise

I don't look at baby blues the same again,
Broken baby blue eyes leave you crying like an expanded ocean

She said
harder
He said
Brown or white?
She said
Brown
*** white ain't right
And I ******* hate the light

- a poem about liquor

I used to love candles...
Loved the way they glow,
A tiny dancing ballerina rising from the flame,
I used to love candles,
Loved the way they smell,
The comforting scent filling up the air,
Making a house a home,
I hate the sight of candles...
It's now a sign of mourning,
A sign of absence
a sign of eternal sadness,
I hate the smell of candles,
That flickering flame was snuffed,
Yet another reminder there's hollow in your eyes,
I loved the warmth of candles..
Filling my space with its light,
But now I hate blue candles,
Ice blue cold to the touch just like they found you

He said I found someone,
I really like her,
She wears glasses,
Reminds me of you,
She's on the bigger side,
She's independent too,
But she supports LGBTQ,
I said: Haaa that's gay!
"don't **** it up now" ,
She sounds like a softer version of me wow,
He says: "she's tomboyish but she's kinda lazy she talks too much, she might get clingy" ...
I said: "that's too bad, maybe that's not water weight"
But honey there's only one of me,
You said you didn't like me *** I'm too ******* mean,
Now you got a girl that's " kinda like me"
You make comparisons but I'm a limited edition and deep down you know she's just the temu version of me

It's eerie..
Every time I see that 14th st sign,
It's hopeless..
Sitting on this Blvd of broken dreams today,
It's hollow..
This place that ****** the soul out of my chest without any warning,
It's dreary..
Seeing the ghost of us every morning at the slab when you're no longer there,
It's frightening..
How your permanent silence left messages on that green electrical box long after your body decayed,
It's carvings..
On a nearby tree that leaves the only sign of our existence that day,
It's heavy..
To know that even if your body died that day my soul still stayed to accompany you in death,
It's pain..
All that I can taste when I drive down that street to this very day

I was skipping on that fine line of life and death,
I was running through the trenches and drug habits,

Not for a second did I fear it,
In fact, I loved every moment of it,
The fast life gave me a taste for the hell I've made,

I made my bed,
Now I gotta lay in it,
It's about time I got up and set it a flame,
I'm here to stay,
No overdosing today,

But I'm living in the margins with no one to blame,

Yea, I told him:
"You either bring it to me or I'll go find it"
Like danger was the only thing that I craved,

And I normalized the needle to vain,
The monkey on my back grew into an ape,
And I couldn't get enough so I ate and ate,
Til my stomach was sick and my life's a mess,

Hey, this wasn't the future I saw for myself,
And now I'm sitting on the sidelines of could-have-beens,

I could've been smart,
Could've been great,
I could've stayed in school and built my mansion on bricks,

Instead I deviated the plan and it was plagued,
I was blinded by puppy love and the money I made,

It's safe to say pretty soon I needed a place to stay,
Because the home that I built was never a safe place,

It's taken me 9yrs to repair the damage I made,
And I'm still on the margins of my duality where there is no escape

Maybe I'm too deep
Maybe you're too shallow
Maybe I'm too advanced
And all my wisdom you can't swallow

Maybe I'm too crazy
Maybe you're just dense
And you never questioned the what if's or what-nots

Maybe I seem insane
Because I know too much
Maybe you never asked the questions to get the answers you never got

I'm one of a kind,
Nobody's girl,
Highly addictive,
Short in supply,
Some try to claim me,
Some try to see me,
But I'm like a shooting star that flies by once in lifetime,
I'm easy to love,
But hard to swallow,
Boys try to catch me but I'm like catching lighting in a bottle,
I runaway from love at full throttle,
Drown my sorrows at the end of a bottle,
I'm like a butterfly that can't fly when it loses powder in its wings,
I won't land on your flowers and get caught in a dead end dream,
Silly boy's  pollen is just poison to me,
You can catch me like a firefly if   I can keep your love by my bedside in my battered heart shaped box

Sometimes I think I like you
Sometimes I **** just despite you
Sometimes I like the fantasy
That one day I might want you

Most times Im just alone
Most times I'm just ******* bored
I get annoyed when you call
I told you don't blow up my phone!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cold
**** it, I told you feelings I don't hold
I told you I'll call when I want
I don't like the feeling of being owned

Sometimes I think I could stand you
Most times I drink just to forget you
And how ******* cringe you really are
you mean nothing to me

Sometimes I hate myself for being this way
This was never who I really been
Sometimes I just fake that I care
So I don't feel bad about myself

Most times I'm filling the void
I picked you to fill in the time
Sometimes I tell myself I'm not this ****** up
But baby you're just here to stain the sheets

She decided enough is enough,
Tired of being a diamond buried in the rough,
Always got the cold shoulder,
Always raised to be tough,
Tough love was the only love she ever got,
She split herself into two and forgot,
That she also needed to feel human,
She also needed some warmth,

She ****** around and fell in love,
But of course with the wrong one,
10 years came and gone,
10 years became a decade,
She loved him to the endless,
Soon enough he became a headache,
She had enough of all the emotional abuse,
Sometimes turned into physical misuse,

Finally she started to try to save face,
She tried to leave him but he would make her stay,
Out of fear she always went home,
But he never did let go,

And he never got around to treat her like she deserved,
The hardest decision for her was to sever her ties,
The very vows that tied them together,
After his betrayal she had to let him go,
But he just couldn't watch her walk away,

He decided if I can't have her NO ONE WILL EVER!!

He cancelled himself out and said to her:
If you can't be my wife I'll be the WIDOWMAKER

I don't wanna be
another has been
Shoulda been
Could been
GREAT

I don't wanna be
another she was
She did
Didn't do ENOUGH

I don't wanna be
another pretty face
Gone to waste
Coulda been SOMEONE

I don't wanna be
Another tragedy
Sad to see
She didn't love herself ENOUGH

I don't wanna be
Another waste
Sour to taste
Like a rotted grape off the VINE

I don't wanna be
Another sad story
For you to see
In the paper or the fox 11 NEWS

I just wanna be
The one to survive all my agony
Like it didn't leave this wine stain all over ME

I just wanna be
Finally set free
From all my own demons holding me
BACK

Memories, that is all I have left,
Candid memories ever fleeting day by day,
I tried to preserve them,
Keep them sweet like marmalade,
I try to keep them,
I don't want them to fade,
But with time the corners curl up like a photograph,
And with time nothing is tangible only digital,
It's hard to hold on to things you can't feel in your hands,
It's hard to see them,
When it's not everyday,
Memories, that is all I have left,
I try to keep them..
Fresh like that pine tree freshener that swings from my car mirror,
I try to hold onto the ring of your laughter,
I try to remember the tenderness in your eyes when you gazed upon mine,
Now just a memory fading with time,
They are just memories sweeping in and out with the tides,
I try to keep pictures the only snapshots left of our former lives,
I try to look at them and imagine them come to life,
But these memories with time are fading like the colors in my hair,
All these memories bittersweet like the tattoos I bare,
They are beautiful but they sting with the air,
All these memories I keep them trapped locked in a box

When I look in the mirror
I don't see HER
I don't see ME
I DONT SEE ANYTHING
.. or anyone

I see just through her

I catch micro glimpses of her staring back at me
I try to find missing pieces of who I used to be
Before I became THIS

And sometimes I can almost see her ...

Most times her memory is small like a needle hole
Most times she just stares right through me

Like water
She is there..
But you can't touch her
My hand just passes through her
Never catching her

Or me
Or she
Am I even here?
Or real..

I don't know

When I look in the mirror
I am ugly
When I see her in pictures
She is lovely

But I don't know who that is..
Is she me?
Am I HER?
I don't really see me like everyone says I am

Why do I always feel like this isn't me living my own life?
Like I'm watching a mirage, a story of someone else's life

It's only when I tell my story that I know THIS was really ALL OF ME

But I don't think I look like her
Or she
Or me

Make me a vision,
Make me a muse,
Make me feel butterflies deep in the womb,

Make me your lover,
But also your friend,
Turn me into a poem of bliss,

Make me feel something,
Make me a song,
Make me into one of those girls they make art about