I don't know how I feel
My stomach nervous screams
I'm calm

My thoughts and feelings feel so far away
Out of reach
I try grab them summon them back
But my clawing fluster encourages blindness to grow

How do I feel
You've locked me away from my emotions
We can't see
Only you
Do this to them

Are they so awful they refuse reach ?
Or so sweet, another form
Of my bruised thighs, colliding head
Will I unlock my happiness
With this understanding
And so
It need be a challenge

Happy or sad
When you reach me
you wake me to both
Neither
Maybe I am in denial
I don't want to hate you
but I know I do
Desire's triumph and so
Prevention of realisation is
Numbing

FEEL FEEL ME FEEL SOMETHING
PLEASE

I know you'd grab me but
I don't know how I would respond
It's what I want not need
Or what I need not want
Which are you ?

W
  A
     I
       T  
         ing
Always waiting for your hands
To reach your tongue

So shine to me,
From your vibrant pulse of stars

And in the morning
Swallow me whole in your
Night sky eyes
And let them guide
Me home

I want to tell you about the time I jumped.
The time I became my biggest fear
And conquered.
I want to tell you of the white curtains that tried to sweep over my eyes, and
How I summoned that aguish

I want you to know
It wasn't made right straight away
Blood, screams, tears whirled first
In my face on my body,
A weight of dread coming from her mouth
Holding my arms down.

But then still.

A peace took residence in the air, creating an earthly dull hum
A constant murmur, hypnotising
The knots out of our backs
The beast in my stomach,
to surrender

I want to tell you
I felt safe,
But then I would not be credible to you
And my words could be dismissed.

Now, the truth spilled
Her tongue no longer licks my legs, purple
Nor do I  wake with my knuckles numb
I take what I have coming, happy and sad

Both, the vibrant beat
To my weaping heart

Her words caress my body
Unwanted and unwelcome I'm naked in a field of eyes
Her lips spread poison, slowly
dissolving my insides
And her tongue, licking my legs purple
I wake with my knuckles numb

Nightmares. Real life scenarios, plays, perform in my mind when I sleep.
Sleep. Can I even call it so ?
When all I get is a restless night of battling consciousness with strangled dreams.
Awoke unsure,
Which my reality is beneath the rising sun
A future. Can I see it ? Or can I dream it ?
I'm most unsure whether I can live it.
People surround me, confronted by choice of country or course,
Why can't I have a less influential choice
I think about it, rational in my mind
Choosing of crisps or chilled white wine
I stand from foot to foot, the argument they both posses
Choosing neither, I wait in middle waters
Doing nothing, neither, none
Empty while combusting,
I am so full