I’m soaked in gas
And the voices are waiting
For the flawless time
To burn me alive
They crave to set themselves loose
And I’m the only obstacle they have

I have at no time, met anyone
Who despises me as I do
And the voices I have inside me
I fought and fought a lot against them
But they don't lose
But I lost every time I tried
To escape
The alcohol was their fuel
To even fight more intense
It didn’t help me except for a little bit every time
I just had to drown myself in an alternative thing
To numb my pain
A thing that ruined me slowly
I might not loathed drinking
I wanted to drink more
Unconscious of the consequences
Till that night's darkness descended
And I went far away from my limits
I needed to end everything
I needed to end me
So I gathered all the pills
Drank all the liquor I can
I didn’t crave a single positive voice
To stop me
The horrible voices will constantly possess me
I just wanted them to stop
I wanted to set myself loose at that time
Not them, no
But I didn’t take a single pill
As I was saved

I was left in my own room
With smell of liquor
That might make anyone who comes
Near, puke
I was left for my emotions to eat me
For the voices to burn me
While laying in my bed,
Taking it all
Craving the thought
That I might have stopped them

That fight changed a lot in me
But didn’t stop them from giving me
All the despising they give me
I have no idea
How can someone despise himself like that
I ruined a lot of things I did
Only because of this despise
The shame might not do a thing at all now
But I will bleed out on papers
Till I can win
I shall not give them a pass
To win
It’s me or me

It will never be the same
I will never be the same
I can’t forget but
I wouldn’t be disappointed if you did
I still remember how it felt
The way you pushed me to bed
And forced yourself into me
I screamed but you quickly covered my mouth
Pushing yourself harder and rougher
Into me
No amount of alcohol
Can make me forget how it felt
Nor can it numb the pain
I said no but that somehow encouraged you
Even more
I ******* hated how it felt
I ******* hated myself
But you weren’t the last no not yet

The other one I thought he was my friend
I got drunk and I thought I was safe
Till he sat on my legs paralyzing me
And trying to touch me
I didn’t know what to do
I was so drunk to even take it serious
Who would have thought a friend
Would harm another so easily
I blacked out and when I opened my eyes
I found his face between my legs
The way he was touching me
I still blame myself for not screaming
Nor running
And I still blame myself for thinking he was
My friend

Alcohol became my best friend
As well as men touching me without my consent
No matter what I wore
No matter where I was
It’s like everyone knew I have daddy issues
It was like an invitation for them
It’s like I was so desperately craving
For any man’s touch
My father treated me worse, why would I
Expect them to be any different?

I said no but he continued anyways
He giggle every-time I said “stop”
I didn’t want to do it
I didn’t want to make out
But he didn’t care
He sat on me, held my hands
And kept kissing me
I wish I wasn’t drunk
Maybe then I could have defended myself
Maybe I wouldn’t blame myself
Leaves in my hair, my clothes were
Messy when I got home
I cried myself to sleep
I was in pain
But at that moment I was too numb
To feel
I was broken
But I’m sure he wasn’t
I can’t close my eyes
Without seeing his face
His smile, his happiness
When his hands were all over me
I said “NO”
So tell me
Is it worth the pain I feel?
One time when I said no
I said no but the room was dark
He covered my mouth
As I screamed my lungs out
There was a light at the end of that
Room, I really wished that god
Had send me death to just finally
Take my soul
But well, god had another plan for me
He made me live to feel the pain
He made me suicidal
But he’s god
So I can’t say * anyways
That time I was sober
But I couldn’t defend myself
Was it my fault or his?
He should have just stopped
When I said “NO”
Some people knew,
Some people didn’t
They called me crazy
When I shared my story with them
It’s not my fault that I was sexually
Harassed but I can’t do *
I’m only a woman who will be
Blamed for the clothes she wore
Or the signals she gave to them
I only wanted to defend myself
They hurt me
And I hurt myself
Even more
When I couldn’t defend
Myself

My last night here
Oh my sweet pain,
Here you come again
On the sad melody
We danced the night away
Me and my loneliness
Shared a drink and
cheered for being
Inseparable all these years
I can't forget my thoughts
They were encouraging
Me all this time long
We shared pills together
They knew anyways that
I didn't want to live forever
My last goodbye
To my dad,
Who killed my soul
And didn't care that
I was so alone
He let me fall, fall
And fall
But this time
I won't get up
I can't
I hope you will be
Alright with everything
You did and thought that
It was right
I took as many pills as I can
Since then my soul wondered
And ran

Darkness speared everywhere
Terrified I became
It's different this time
I can feel
No one can save me
As it's already
Taking my soul away
Open the window
Please I don't want
To be alone
I don't want the light
But I want myself
Back I hope
Everything that happened
Is happening again
And I'm losing
My mind over here
Did I forget to
Take my pills?
Maybe that's why
I feel that way
Help me
I can't wake up
From this dream
This pain is so
Unbearable to be real
It was going okay
But suddenly turned to
A nightmare
Squeezing my eyes
As hard as I can
But still
Darkness is only
What I see