Samia

Samia Feb 2019

Darkness

Darkness speared everywhere
Terrified I became
It's different this time
I can feel
No one can save me
As it's already
Taking my soul away
Open the window
Please I don't want
To be alone
I don't want the light
But I want myself
Back I hope
Everything that happened
Is happening again
And I'm losing
My mind over here
Did I forget to
Take my pills?
Maybe that's why
I feel that way
Help me
I can't wake up
From this dream
This pain is so
Unbearable to be real
It was going okay
But suddenly turned to
A nightmare
Squeezing my eyes
As hard as I can
But still
Darkness is only
What I see

Samia Feb 2019

More and more

Drowning in this
Darkness more and
More, where is
My lover? Did
He disappear too?
Everything doesn't feel
Real, am I
Losing my mind?
Or maybe I
Drank more than
I should have
Antidepressants pills? Oh
I love that
But did they
Work? I totally
Forgot that they
Can't, the problem
Is me or
The demons that
Leave with me
In my mind
There is a
Black hole in
My mind and
It's eating me
Alive, there's no
Way out and
Everybody left, it
Is only me
And my loneliness
Alone here, sad
Isn't it baby?
Give a cigarette
And don't forget
The pills, I
Want to be
Happy, isn't that
What they are
For?

Samia Feb 2019

Silence

Talk, scream
Just don’t let this
Silence **** me
I hate how quiet
It is around me
I hate it as much
As I hate myself
Nothing much I can
Do except giving up
You know?
Everything hurts
The air I’m breathing
Became really thin
It’s scary how much
I want this to end
Nobody’s is here
Except for my loneliness
I mean
But it doesn’t matter
Anymore as I’m
Killing myself anyway
I can feel the ink fading
And my heart is racing
This is it I see
My whole world is
Breaking down infront of me
And there’s nothing I can
Do about it except
Watching and see how it is
Going to end

Samia Jul 2018

The End

I’ve been asked when and how
Do I think I’m going to die
I told them probably in my thirties
When I have no one to talk to
I’ll be talking to myself instead
And the mirrors on the walls
Will get bored of me crying
Infront of them all time long

Insanity will take control
The sadness will **** me
The pain will be the paint on the walls
The loneliness will shatter my soul
The voices will be more and more
The darkness will spread everywhere
The thoughts will re-play the sad melody
And I’ll be back to my old habits again

I won’t be able to write anymore
No matter how much I do
The ink will fade
And the words will be meaningless and fake
No matter how much I read
The words will empty and unreal /unsafe
No words would describe how I feel in that case

The world will be lost
I will drown once more in my painful reality
That I bewildered between it and my dreams
And one more time nobody will be here to
Save me from my darkest dreams

I’ll probably have everything when I’m in that age
But two things I won’t be able to have
Love and happiness
Love will be forever in another place
Where all the people who deserve it live
Happiness will be here but hiding behind
The sadness I can’t defeat

So I will take my pills, twenty of each
Mix them with alcohol
It will be probably midnight
To see the moon shine one more time
And how the stars shine up the dark sky
Or maybe it will be 5:30 or 6:00
To see the sunrise one more time

Samia Jul 2018

Abusive Love

One slap, two slaps, three
It’s okay, it has been a bad day
He didn’t mean it
He loves me
One punch, two punches, three
Got a broken tooth and swollen nose
But he apologized and hugged me
He loves me
One hit, two hits, three
Blood covered the floor as I fall
I wanted to reach the door
I was so scared and
Wanted to leave
He doesn’t love me or does he?
One apology, two apologies, three
If I didn’t get back to him
He will **** me
He loves me, right?
One prayer, two prayers, three
I was ready for the day, he will **** me
The prayers never left my mouth
What can I do?
I was losing my mind over here
One lie, two lies, three
I love you baby, don’t leave me
I’ll change for you
Maybe it’s true this time
One scream, two screams, three
I just wanted someone to help me
Drowning in my blood
And my eyes were swollen
Just got hit again but I won’t leave the house
One kiss, two kisses, three
I woke up in the hospital as my mum kissed me
He told her I fell down the stairs, what a lie
She hugged me and told me
How much he was scared to lose me
One sentence, two sentences, three
I told her but she didn’t believe me
Where shall I go? What shall I do?
She should have believed me
One hug, two hugs, three
I was disgusted with every hug, he gave me
What have I done to myself?
Maybe all of that wouldn’t have happened if
I left from the beginning
One word, two words, three
Every word from my mum hurt me
I didn’t expect it
I didn’t see it coming
How can a mother not believe her daughter?
One idea, two ideas, three
I finally had the courage to leave
I ran away
Not psychologically okay now, but I will be
Don’t wait until it’s too late

Samia May 2018

Who I am

It's who I'm, not just a phase
I like both of them it's not the case
I told people,
I like girls too
They looked at me

Disgusted by what I said
Go to church and pray
They advised me, wow
I became sinful cause I'm different
I became sick too

I'd rather die being myself
Than die straight
Be who you are, society said
Yet, they judge us
In every little thing, oh

Be yourself
But be straight
I like boys and girls
How not to?
I've been called names but who cares?

I asked a girl to go on a date
I wasn't gay enough she said, ouch
She broke my heart

On a date I went
He was gentleman, handsome guy
He understood
Let's have a ******* then,
Instead of cheating on me later he said

I like both so I'm a cheater
They won't accept me mum
It's not a phase and I'm not a cheater
I love as a normal human
I would marry who I love girl or guy

Samia May 2018

Doubling

Black eyes
Just another
One and
I'll be
Alright
They told
Me I'll
Forget
They told
Me it'll
Help
But it
Never did
Just doubling
It maybe
I will
See some
Affect
And that's
What it
Did, it
Made me
Look like
I came
From hell
But I
Didn't
Care
All I
Wanted is
To forget
But I
Never did
Doubling it
The last
Time
Everything
Went blur
And white
I swear
I didn't
Mean to
**** myself
I just
Wanted
To
Forget.

— The End —