Sigh,
Why must I be dealt with this tragic,
My heart whimpers while my mind spirals,
You know he does not belong and yet you trapped him in me with lock and chains so he cannot escape this dreaded pain.

He does not belong,
So why must he stay,
He does not want to see me and you keep him astray,
He hates,
He does not see,
So why do I have to have these anxieties.

My intuitions are telling me so many different things,
Cannot tell which one is telling me the truth or if it’s feeding me lies upon my plate,
While I scrape the leftover feelings that’s slowly slipping away,
Deep down I want him to stay but I know,…
I know I must let him go.

To my hand, to the pen I grab up,
To the paper my thoughts starts to write,
My eyes glued, unemotionally focused,
To the words that climbing out of my thought process

All my words wants to scream and shout,
That I end up keeping wayyy deep inside.
No one would let me speak my mind,
It’s always a block or a run or hide.
All my words wants to scream out loud,
But who’s willing to listen to me at this time.
Instead of waiting for a response from someone, I’d rather keep them all deep inside and just live my life.
All my words are all locked and kept,
Inside my head, they yell.
If I don’t get them out I’ll suffocate,
So I say them through text and let it all bleed out.
My real self, that’s stuck on a piece of paper that would rather stay there than to speak with her mouth full of inspiration.

My lungs are deep & shallow,
My breathing still can’t follow.
My heart cracks in mysterious rows,
My eyes sees all but they definitely aren’t hollow.
As they fall off one by one, another is built in its place,
Except this heart is made out of steel, as my eyes are filled with your face,
and my mind but a name only my soul can reframe,
That you might be one of my other lost lace that’s the color of a red string that was once lost in all my daydreams.

I love art,
I like history…
I love museums and the galleries,
I like dancing,
I love music,
I love it here but…
I loved it there

These stones are too thick,
    Not even my knuckles that pounded on them made even a hint or a scratch,
   Even the blood stains that marked me left me screaming out…
But what’s that going to do if no one out there can hear my shouts

I wish I can feel seen…
    Instead I’m hidden underneath a stone that’s to hard for me to break free

What are you?
Are you a ghost,
Are you imaginary to my thoughts.
Are you real,
Am I able to touch you without feeling a chill.
Are you alone,
Better than loneliness and being cast in a hole.
Are you scared,
But brave enough to fend for yourself if you ever disappeared.
Are you a person,
That just learned how to feel.
Are you human,
To the point where if I broke something inside,
Will it be able to heal.
Are you a soul,
So that when we meet you’ll give me your all.
What are you?
Cause right now I may have a clue.

Dream more and become a hero,
Understand life is a bunch of zeros,
Be your own brand never settle,
Cause that’s when life will take you by the throat and you will never swallow,
And you’ll become more shallow,
Never fly like sparrows,
And soon become a hollow,
That’s when life gets real narrow,
And you will never follow,
Your dream to become who you want to be and that is Free.

I hate the decisions I made in life,
I hate the life that I’m living,
I’ve made some decisions I’ve really regretted,
I hate who I have become.

Hottie Tottie Maserati
Got the whole world feeling naughty,
Everybody’s true colors showing off of me like painted bodies.

What renders me is my soul,
That blows off hot and cold,
Keeps me crisp in the winter time and keeps away from feeling dull.

Smashing, I’m unfazed,
Dashing, I’m unclaimed,
Lonely sorrows that hunts this real world turns my dreams into castaways.

Now I’m all alone,
On this island I call home,
I’d rather stay here than lift my mask for others who really never ever plays fair.

As I wake with beaded eyes,
Slumbered in with my bedded head,
Like I’ve been asleep for 5 whole years and seem to have woken up until 10.

Surprised to see my own reflection,
Bathing in the sunlights perfection,
where half of the shade hits my face making my eyes glisten in the light that turns my eyes golden.

I’m off to explore more, dear heavens galore,
As I lock and shut this door that separates me from my comfort zone where I’m usually stored.

Since I’m free I’ll go out and take a look see,
Take a walk out and enjoy me,
As I eat alone seeing faces unknown I catch a cute face gander my way wondering if I should say hi and let him into my scenery.

Instead of letting him getting to know me I’d rather get to know a little about me,
Went to go see a movie and of course I was pleased,
In my own skin where everyone can barely see that I was clearly enjoying my time alone knowing I can be.

But know this,
I still hold a flame that everyone refuses to see underneath,
That I’d rather not let loose,
Now won’t that be a breathe.

As I call it a day waiting for tomorrow to come and bathe me away,
My eyes fall heavily wanting me to sleep,
As I do I recall upon my memories and entered into a really deep sleep knowing in the next couple of weeks it’ll feel like a brand new me but the same Maserati.

Maybe I was actually wrong about you,
Watched you pull the sword right out infront of me,
Like I didn’t feel any pain but that’s cause it was already broken,
Shattered to pieces,
By the words that you’ve spoken,
Which ended up being a blank page filled with so much of your hatred,
That I could not yet understand it,
And yet you keep wondering why no one else can fill it,
No matter how much you lower your standards for the people that would soon deserve it

Yes I want you,
I want to touch your hair with my hands,
I want to lay beside you when you sleep,
I want to talk to you like I’m talking for hours on days end,
I want to snuggle up to you while I caress your face with my fingertips that’ll send shivers to you until the moon bends.
Yes I want you,
But no not sexually,
Not to the point where you are deep, all the way inside me,
I want to know you physically,
Up close directly also emotionally,
How much straightforward can I get by just telling you this exactly,
You don’t seem to understand it,
What I’m looking for, it seems like,
So imma still keep loving me until someone sees it the first time.

You know that saying “Lighting in a bottle”?
Well,
That’s how you made me feel,
Until I bursted free and told you how I really felt.

I’m not something that you see me to be,
You only see what I want you to see,
And what you saw was a half version of me,
You heard my stories and only saw  my broken parts,
But I’ve also seen all of your sacred scars,
Kept them hidden deep, kept secret,
Had to follow the clues with an intelligent mind,
And had to break some strings knowing you will never find,
That the true me hidden behind all these signs,
Made you believe that I wasn’t worthy to climb.

So I made you believe that I needed to stop trying,
Stop trying to be something I’m not,
But the truth is that is me,
I just couldn’t take you dodging me,
Seeing me as only an option was your choice to make,
And you seeing me as easy is what I wanted you to believe,
And have me focus on me to the point you’ll never have me,
I don’t care if you don’t like me,
I don’t care if you call me crazy,
Cause those are the parts that I want you to see,
The parts that you think are the real me,
Besides, why would I want to try for a guy who just gaselighted me?.

Sleeveless,
Heart out,
Sheds deep like a bruised knee,
Cracked open like blood spilled into a sea of water,
Watching the liquid free.

Shines so high,
                          In the sky
                            where it lights
                             in-front of my eyes,
                            Crystal clearing,
                           The view is amazing,
                          Left behind
                        A spec of dust
                      Don’t fear that they’re falling,
                   On this sandy beach,
                 Where it lathers me softly,
             With every inch
         Across my skin
       Covering my body,
     The water graze my feet,
   So sweet,
    And yet,
     I’m left feeling upset,
       In defeat,
         Less upbeat,
           Cause no one is here physically with me.
              But I guess that’s fine,
              Used to being incomplete but not
              lonesome,
              My own company brings me creative
              love
              and that’s strong
              Like broken hearts that turned into
              diamonds,
              Now that’s wholesome,
              And I’ll never change a thing about me,
              Watching myself blossom.

The love that I have still burns,
Your words that you’ve said still hurts,
The meeting that we never had still wavers,
Like the moon and the sun are both alone,
You made it clear that you didn’t want me,
Misunderstood me and I’m now lonely,
You misunderstand and now your regretting,
The lose of my heart has started closing,
Delusional is what you called me,
And that hurts and now what was the purpose,
You told me to leave you be,
So that’s exactly what I will do,
So stop sending my heart into shock,
And sending me waves of butterflies,
Cause even if we’ll never meet,
It still hurts,
I’m just happy I’m still alive.

This key that’s wrapped around my neck,
Stays hidden beneath every memory,
Cause the one who has my heart shaped locket,
Has already thrown it away, right in front of me

Snuggled up in my blankets,
      No sound but the spinning fan,
              Eyes drooping not wanting to wake,
And yet,
                                          It’s 5:45pm,
                                 I gotta get up,
                       Ready for work.

We are forever,
We keep it secret,
And yet you keep my body all nice
                                                       and warm,
Even I can’t keep patient.

Break me,
Free me,
From this deadly place,
Spread my wings outwards,
Spread them high and wide.

See me,
Become me,
Shedding through these veins,
Tainted with cruelty,
Free me from that pain.

Breathe in,
Deeply,
Can finally feel alive,
No other can hold me down,
Cause I finally came to fly.

Heart felt,
Heart break,
Can’t stand to look you in the face,
I cry,
With tears in my eyes,
Can’t seem to form words for me to speak,
If I tend to think,
My head will explode and combust with emotions I won’t be able to control

Head tilted back,
Body froze,
Legs locked,
Arms cold,
Tears shed,
They can’t stop,
Cause they know what they’ve done,
Cause now the damage is done.

Body closed,
Wrapped around in blankets,
My eyes shut,
Tear stains glued to my face,
Trying to shake all of you away,
But my dreams are not letting me,
Letting you go,
And I’m starting to think that I may have the problem.

I shouldn’t be weak, no.
Will be living my dream, yes.
Not stuck between stones, no.
I should be taking control, yes.
Not locked in a cage, no.
But surrounded by love, yes.
Surround me with hate,
And I’ll leave with my pride and surrender to fate.

Scaling, away,
Every harm that I’ve been praised,
Drowning the sorrows I’ve washed away,
Gone in an instant that won’t be claimed,
I have forgiven the love that I had,
I have controlled my fears into a lions den,
So one day if you try to reach you won’t be grabbing an inch

Breaking my own heart,
And I don’t even know it,
Breaking them one by one,
While the noises are finally quiet

Sleeping,
Fading,
Tired,
Closing,
Drifting,
Back,
To where it all started,
To where it all happened,
To where I first,
Had my breaking point,
Stripped.

Falling,
I’m falling,
I’m breaking,
I’m cracking,
I cannot,
Get back,
On my feet again,
Sorry,
I’m sorry,
I don’t,
Deserve you,
But instead I’ll love to learn,
But the memories are already burning.

Everything’s silent,
Which means everyone’s asleep,
Which means the thoughts in my head,
are finally awake,
Bursting out with fright,
Causing me my sight,
To see something in the shadows,
That I can barely even fight,
Drawing with my eyes,
That keeps me frozen, still, and steady,
That I can’t touch by my own hands,
That makes me breathe hard and heavy,
Except, am I even awake or is my brain playing tricks?
Finally, my mind is back in my head but can I ever be fixed?

Change is foreal,
Love is the seal,
That locks away all the bad parts and turns them real frail,
Then turns off all the lights and gives it that blue tingle feel,
I learned how to laugh when I was happy,
Learned how to cry when I was sad,
How to be angry when I was mad,
But now that I look at you I feel bad,
Like I want to get revenge,
But since I’m so fragile,
That doesn’t seem to be apart of the plan,
Healing seems like the best bet,
Just don’t be the reason why I break,
I’d rather be alone for the time being and let alone go crazy,
Crazy? I wonder if maybe you meant that kinda love,
The Joker and Harley Quinn kind of love,
But it seems you’ve already found that type of love,
With someone new,
So I think I’ll fall back than fall through,
Cause now I think I’ll lay here and feel all kinds of shaded blue

Let him have it,
Let him be happy,
Let him have the love that he’s always been wanting,
Get rid of all the pain that I know he’s been suffering,
Get rid of all the lies that I know he’ll be loving,
Let him be happy,
Let him be free,
Let him pray that one day he will soon see,
Let him pray someday that he will love her,
With all of his soul that God put up upon her,
Love her gently,
Love her with kind,
Love her with affection more than I’d ever gave you,
Cause one day you’ll be apart of a family and all this love that one day you will soon give away

As my eyes trickle with tears as they fall,
But why must I worry about what other people think when I should be able to walk and talk with pride striding tall?
I see reflections of myself in others that I don’t appear to see,
But if I were to take a glimpse of my own face and take their eyes I’ll believe,
That every story has a happy ending without her King.

Mirror Mirror what do you see?
“I see beauty with no in between,
I see flaws that is loved by many,
I see two loving parents who raised one hell of a Queen,
So please stop your whimpering and go find your ending,
Cause what I see in you is just the beginning”

Like playing tricks with wits and with damaged flaws,
Being mirrored inside out without a second thought,
Played with until my heart gets clawed out,
Not me,
So go along and play with me with all of my broken parts,
All they is are past hurts that I don’t want anymore

A different note
A different vibe
A second chance
A second thought
A final blow
A final end
I’ll move on silently
Without any demands