I don’t want to be liked,
I want to be cherished and loved,
I want to be valued with someone to hold,
To build up a family and not settle for less,
Saying how I’m different from the rest won’t keep me in place,
Instead I’ll be walking with stride and built up by pride and watch as your karma revise,
I don’t want to be liked,
I’d rather be valued.

You make my body flush with emotions,
Running into a very deep sleep I’m drowning into,
All of the trickles that I feel across my face,
Driving me insane with love stains streaming in my vanes.
You make me feel curiously , mysteriously, and loving,
But make me want to take a step back cause right now my heart feels heavy,
Never felt this way with nobody,
So why must it be you, out of everybody.

I don’t feel lustful when I’m in your presence,
Looking into your eyes, I can see your soul,
I can see your struggles,
your pain,
your worries,
I can see my own reflection but told in two different stories.

You make me feel crazy and yet I cannot show it,
Like I’m being tangled with words leaving my thoughts open,
But keeping my mouth shut to keep all the letters from escaping,
Deep down I can see me wanting to escape,
Let loose and crave you but softly,
No matter how badly I want you,
I’ll savor you,
Cause I will never want to tame you.

As your arms wrap around me as I cradle your neck gently,
As you kiss me softly,
Waiting til I kiss you back with intense passion coursing throughout my body,
I wake up with a startle with a kiss on my left cheek,
Exiting my dream and back to reality,
I find a cute face looking down at me,
And all I can say is,
“good morning my baby”

But then that’s when it shattered,
All the leftover pieces,
That’s when it broke all of the deepest emotions,
All of the memories that clinged to me now closed off,
Nothings left but a pile of dust,
All that we’ve shared, I knew they would be lost,
Cause nothing ever lasts when it’s between me and trust.

Every dying minute that I have,
Every dying minute that I find,
Every bleeding day that I take listening to your heart,
Every single day,
Why am I afraid,
Why am I afraid,
I can't believe I said that,
Can't believe I did that,
Said that I was talking,
Never gave a name,
Like a stranger, was in my thoughts,
Clinging to me like a narrow arrow,
That leads me to the next guessing game,
Like, what I do?
It's always the same,
That, dying pain, that I seem to recognize,
every time I make a mistake,
When all I could have said that,
you were my Bae.

Your, kindness follows every walking hour,
Every second that I think it's over,
Just because I made 1 tiny error,
Now ignoring with more silent terrors,
I deserve it, I deserve it all,
You, gave me love and I just let it fall,
And now my path is blocked by a narrow wall,
Blocked away from your inner thoughts,
That I can't get through, and instead I'm lost,
Lost inside my own crazy mind,
That I can't control,
When my hearts on fire,
My heart keeps pounding,
My words are drowning every single reader,
That wants to come near,
To read their letters out of fear.

It's like my tongue is twisted,
And I can't sleep through this knowing somethings missing from your silent treatment,
All I hear is, should I say it,
Should I say it, no,
It's too early to express my feelings, yes,
Maybe I'll just wait it out,
Let him tell me first, so I don't feel 'barrased or,
Should I say it now,
Since I'm crazy inside,
Let the waves take me for another ride,
Let this crazy out,
Let this crazy loose,
Let this crazy take over my mind
and let it drown me out,
Like a Crazy Train buried deeper inside,
Waiting for someone to unbreak these chains
restraining me on every side,
But that's on me, that on me,
Every single day of every week,
That's my train when I'm deep inside my feelings,
Keeping every word sacred from your hearts tongue's follow,
I'd rather keep it caged deep down,
Letting no one in and keep faking smiles.

Can't stop writing all these heavy poems, can't stop sharing all my happy feelings, cannot stop waiting for discretion, my thoughts on fire like some burning metals, dripping down my face like a melting figure, that I cannot bring myself to finally call this, like a tortured fire, like a blazing arrow, shot straight through a farrow, through a narrowed pathway,
Through this Crazy Train that I cannot follow.

That I keep getting these deja vus,
It always seems like I’ve seen you before
But when I look back,
you were never there.

I’m starting to see clear that love is literally everywhere. The hate is gone it’s like I can feel whole again. More evolved than I was before ahead of time. Mobilized to step my feet out of a dark place and step down onto the actual ground. That my thought process of thinking is no longer under distress. More mindful of what I think first before I decide to speak.

I’m starting to see clear that love is literally everywhere but not all the time cause sometimes your feet can get stuck again.
You may seem like you’re out of the dark but it’ll just pull you back in.
Consume you with negative thoughts that you have to fight off. Remembering that nothing can touch you the more they led on. Cause you can only make yourself happy and that they’re also stuck like you. Trying to get out from the grip that’s holding them astray. That’s they’re struggle. Chained up and stumbled. Glued down or falling fast that’s part of their journey. And they’ll all make it through no matter how bad they’ve struggled.

Hard to get, I don’t like to act it.
Put on a fake mask then hide my emotions.
I don’t like to play so I act accordingly.
Through this tough life that you put me through, I don’t want it.

I’d rather have space than to be lonely.
To feel self absorbed by the world around me.
To face all my fears than to be picky.
Sneaking around ain’t my forte, I’d rather have loyalty.

Memories they cling on my deepest of strings.
Sometimes they break but other times they sting.
Next to the heart not that far apart that they’ll be lost with the thought of me falling hard.

Stay still and be quiet.
Beautifully worded written down in my mind.
Roller coasting down every desire that I find.
And then suddenly, a vision meeting every hit and miss,
Rebounded like a boomerang, cross fitted this bliss.
Stumbling down and soon I shall rest.
My head wants to wonder and then later think less.
Rather than overthink than progress.
I’d rather mishap my habits then to crumble in my own mess.
I’d rather stay positive and full of hope than to be tied down and hanged upside down by a rope.
That’s when I’ll know that I’ll have no self-control.
When my thoughts takes over that’s led by strings.
That’s crushing every wind pipe down my streams.
How I breathe. How I speak. How I make or break.
But that’s just how life goes right.
Making a few minor mistakes.
As I pace back and forth inside my brain.
Riding around on the crazy train.
I think and I stop on what I’ll do next.
Guess I’ll just wait and see and keep living my dreams but in reality. Not a fantasy.

Inner voice, *****.
Loves the attention, within.
Crime and addiction, pleasant.
Negative emotions, keeps in.

Hearing voices, repeating.
Opposite opposes, threatens.
Quietly shouting, crying.
Is my inner voice, *****.

I hear her when I’m dreaming.
Nightmares clinging, sweating.
Dreaming heavy, breathing.
I can’t believing I’m falling,
Heavenly feeling attached to the ceiling,
Withering down and then into the ocean,
Drowning me down even more than I’m used to,
Exhilarating, composing this blessing I’m treading.
All because of my inner voice, *****.

I gave it a name, *****.
Cause she is but me, a demon.  
I can’t escape her cries,
So why not give me emotions.
Give me pain and sorrows.
Give me what your negative thoughts is saying deep inside.
Share with me your worries that you designed to keep and hide.
So I can understand better and to tame your fever.
That you’re not alone in this black and white world.
Cause I can see through, cause I am you.
Beautiful.

I am but stuck in the clouds.
Wondering where I’ll be next.
All of the stars,
They shone through the sky,
As bright as they were til now.
All of the stars,
Has shown who they are
All but one.
That’s I.
Stuck in the sky.
Just because I couldn’t find.
That’s I.
Stuck in the sky.
So bright that I couldn’t find.
That light.
That deeming light.
The one that shines brighter than I.

Mountain of books,
Laying across my looks,
Sitting across my eyes,
Now why can I not oblige?

Looking way way up,
Out of this dark dark place,
Seeing the bright white stars,
Inside this really deep hole

Most of you seem out of place,
Looking way way down,
I seem to be in my space,
Ignoring the very loud crowd

It may seem lonely down here,
And so much fun up there,
I may wanna make a bigger hole,
And drown us all and make us see fear

Looking way way up,
I think to myself while my heads clear,
I think to myself while my eyes tear,
I think to myself, why am I down here?

Light me up like silver and gold,
Light the core that burns in the cold,
Light the way where I meet and end,
Light the freaking cries that's keeping me hold,
Cause there's no way I'm getting stuck here alone,
Cause I got more things to fulfill until I fall and sin.

The games they play are just miserable
And late night plays are disgraceful
Fall in love first and they disappear
Like crying behind a see through glass wasn’t painful enough and yet you ended up breaking it like playing truth or dare

Blue Haze that craze,
that burns that chase,
I see but one my eyes turn blaze,
even though the stars,
they burn,
more than the sun,
they cry,
but with the right shape,
they form,
and then later,
torn.

Not all guys are horrible. Not all guys are sweet and lovable. Some lie. Some are fake. Some are honest. Loyal. True. I just wanna know which one are you?

Lock it, lock it,
Turn the key and click it,
Back and forth, the clock reverse,
Don’t turn your head just leave it,
Don’t open up your heart,
Don’t open up your scars,
Don’t go and open any parts that makes you wanna regret it
Regret what-the sorrows, the pain that left me hollow,
The darkest part of where I was left,
The last place you don’t wanna follow,
The worse part of my head,
The parts you don’t wanna tread,
Tread lightly and just maybe once,
I’ll listen to your demands.

Judge me here,
And judge me there,
Judge me anywhere,
I probably wouldn’t care,
You only know specs, and pieces of my own,
You don’t know all, so judge me as you go.

Judge me intellectually,
Judge me emotionally,
Judge me mentally,
Judge me spiritually,
Judge me anyway you want to judge me,
But make sure you do it confidently.

I’m judged a lot,
By people that gossip,
By people that barely knew me in private,
By people that pretends to think they know me,
By a text or some words said out in context,
I probably wouldn’t care cause y’all barely hit the surface.

The sky is so beautiful as I look up with my dark brown eyes,
Every aspect of colors filling me up twice the size,
And yet, I still don’t feel nothing inside.
I get up from the patches of grass underneath me,  to see in front of me, a few pine trees, rustling,
A nice breeze, that brushes my face, softly,
To abruptly see that I’m not alone, well I’ll be.
I’ve never seen this person before, ever,
And yet he comes near me, slouching down slowly, with his light brown eyes
And tries to speak to me but nothing he said towards me was coming out correctly,
And so he smiled, lightly and got back up on his feet and walked off,
Disappearing from my sights as he faded in between the trees,
And a gust of wind, closing my eyes shut heavily,
I start to hear voices calling my name,
And as the wind stopped blowing, I opened my eyes once again to see that what was in front of me was pitch black
Nothing in sight, as if I felt lost,
Left inside my own thoughts,
I didn’t want to make a slight move but,
The noise abruptly started again, gradually getting louder...
and louder...
When suddenly a door...
A door so bleak that it  was rusted, old but oddly not bullet proof,
Like there were little holes here and there but I couldn’t see through...what could be inside that is true...
To be continued

Why can’t I speak,
Why can’t I word,
Why can’t I mouth all these things, wont come thru,
Why can’t I start,
Why can’t I go,
Have a conversation like back in the boons,
Why am I mute,
What did you do,
Why would my hands freeze up and refuse,
What did you do, what did you do,
Because for some reason I’m scared of you😔

Heartache,
Heartbreak,
Headstrong,
Love-ache,
Making my heart break two folds,
The back of my neck stands too cold,
What am I doing wrong, I don’t know,
Letting my intuition sink so low,
That all of my open boxes stays closed,
I’m done with it all,
I’d rather fall.

Every passing day you fade,
With less memories to keep me at bay,
With the less stars that twinkle in your eyes,
Another piece breaks with each passing day,
And yet I keep smiling hoping one day,
That I’ll finally find it, my home, where I’ll stay,
And you’ll be there by my side,
Not leaving me out like a stray,
And to keep me close and warm inside,
That no matter what, I won’t fade away.

All of the things I’m doing wrong,
All of what I give isn’t enough,
Which is why I stay silent and slowly start crying telling myself,
Am I ever really good enough?

I try to change but it's usually too late,
I try to change but I'm already awake,
I try to be me but turns to be fake,
Understand me but misunderstood,
I can see why now that I am damaged goods.

I wish I can change the life that I live
No more confusion left in the struggle,
I wish I can chase all of my dreams
And bring fear with me and call it a friend,
I wish I can have trust throughout all my falls
So that I can finally have some guy by my side,
I wish my wishes were real
But they are, I just haven't gave them a try.

Let me in,
into your life,
let me fix this,
so we could fix us,
I am your light,
to your shining star,
so let me back in,
or let me go.

Let me in,
I miss you so much,
I know that I yelled,
I know I messed up,
you are my piece,
my missing heart,
so let me in,
or let me go.

Let you in?
nah uh I can not,
you hurt our bond,
more than a scratch,
more than a bled,
more than I can see,
that I was the third,
and she was the one.

Let you in?
why should I stay?
you pushed me away,
when I opened my soul,
you closed yours back up,
and just me out in the cold,
Ghosted me like I wasn't home,
so why should I stay,
when I would rather just let you go.

Every touch of your hands,
Driving me crazy with sins,
Crawling back into my skin,
I'm tired, I want all this to end,
I want my body controlled,
Struggling in bed, can't let go,
Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
All of my demons inside,
Locked in a cage in my brain,
What can I do but to scream,
All the emotions, I cant contain,
Wants to let loose like a train,
All of the memories flutter,
Until one page is blank,
That pulls me back in, with a shutter,
That all you hear is a shriek.

I open my eyes, I look at the ceiling,
Escaping my fantasies cause I was just dreaming,
Less than a nightmare, my heart was just bleeding,
The secrets I've kept in, not out on my sleeves,
Cause why would I tell,
All of my thoughts,
Hidden away,
Where no one can see through,
All of my messes that I've been through,
Out on the surface where many can pass through.