It's my selfless wish to love and to hurt.
I suddenly met you and I felt understood.
We shared our laughs, joy and pain.

Yet I only want to disappear.

What is attraction? How does it work?
What is being happy? What's having fun?

I love you and you love me
so why do I love others as well?

Because love is an energy we create and must express.

Yet not even love can fill this void:
of traumas and ***.

I only want to impulsively disappear.

It is no different, even now.

I hold this pain inside dearly- it's the only thing gifting me life.
My eyes without focus and my brain all the same.
My tongue and mouth are frozen, after my legs and arms.
Years of decay- falling over my head, massing around me.
The poisonous air moving me swiftly to my death.

It is no different from the four wall cage-
though I am not bored now
I am dying still.

Why am I so lucky to experience love?
I don't deserve this, any of it.

I want to live, rid of this pain
but all around me
is only death.

I am honored
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
I love you.
I want to die
but I want to live.

I was looking at the arrows, circling around and never stopping.
They rested upon the wall facing my bed.
There were four walls and a locked door with voices coming from the opposite side.
The sun would circle out as well though I could not notice.
Everything would circle around me.

One; two; three; four; five; six; seven; eight; nine; ten.

My thoughts were only numbers on a sheet of paper.

Nine hundred eighty six; nine hundred eighty seven; nine hundred eighty eight.

A recent past of safeness followed by madness; love followed by obsession; hope followed by despair.
My mind swarming with thoughts turned then into nothingness.
Broken. Bored. Waiting. Watching.

But one day I would get rescued.
My empty mind now only seeking a smile.

Rain fell with no ending
As I half-ran through the city
With only a jacket
No hood
Droplets drummed against my head
And soaked through my hair
Ran down my cheeks
And over my lips
Slipping softly
Between my breaths
Upon my tongue
And resting there
Whispering, lingering
An echo of a kiss
I can't yet know

Before my eyes I can see the ends of the world though the distance is beyond imagination.
I see too much, too far.
It is a blinding sight, a maddening prophesy.

But in blindness instead I live.
Life is only a moment. A single repeating moment.

Those moments were happiness.
For "a moment" then, I love you.