When I got my GCSEs
They said I was lucky
When I got into uni
They said I was lucky
When the doctors got to me just in time
They said I was lucky
When I met you
I knew it was luck
And now
I’m running out of luck
And you’re leaving me
I wonder what they’ll say now

I know you think I hate you. I know you think I'm trying to ruin your life. But honey remember all of those nights I said I loved you? I still mean that. I always will. I'll never forget the long walks. I'll never forget the friendship bracelets that you worked so *******, the cookies I was too scared to take out of the oven, the car rides where we got lost every time on the way to church, or the facetime calls until 4 a.m when I would fall asleep while you were still doing homework. I could never forget about those moments. They were beautiful. They were refreshing. I never knew how to trust, love, or live fully before us. I told you I would never give up. But darling when you hurt me like that I couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt. I can't pretend none of this hurts. Like when I see our old emails, or when our old pictures fall out of my closet, or when I see the rocks you gave me every morning. You're never going to leave my life because even though we aren't talking right now, you are still such a big part of it. I find traces of you everywhere. In my brain, my words, my tears. Sometimes I see your truck around town and I remember the day you drove to my house in tears telling me things would never be the same. They never were. Sometimes I see you wear the sweatshirt I slept for nights in and I remember the way it smelled of you. I know if I still smelled it now I would still feel safe and I hate that and love that all at once. I'm trying to be okay without you and I think I will. I'm trying to move on and I think I will. But both of these things are making me restless. Thank you for everything old friend. Thank you for dealing with my panic attacks. Thank you for cheering me on even when you didn't agree. Thank you for calling me late at night. Thank you for hugging me tighter even when I pulled away. Thank you for being the sweetest, most genuine boy I've ever come to know. I love you dearly. I hope you are doing better than me, truly.  I hope you see that this was for the best. You truly left such a mark on my life and soul and I will never be able to repay you. I'll see you very soon.

i wanted you to love me on purpose.

i want to dye
my hair and tattoo my skin
so that the changes
you’ve been noticing in me
look like they’re
on purpose.

The words I can’t say to you are
climbing up my throat
I keep forgetting to breathe
I miss your hands.

just as you cannot stare at a cut
and watch it heal,
you can’t keep glaring at the pain
and expect it to go away

so look away

let your eyes focus on
daily beauties like sun that shines
through bedroom blinds
and warm sheets
that wrap you up at night

saturday mornings
and crisp november air,
hot showers and the Opportunity
that waits for you at your front step
each and every morning

and one day,
you’ll unravel the bandage
you’ve wrapped around your heart
and the only thing you’ll see is a light scar
that’s there to remind you
of how strong you’ve become

although this life is beautiful,
it isn’t easy
and whether you believe it or not,
you are strong.

i fear that you are
drowning in your own depth
and i hope that you have
learned to hold your breath
for extended periods of time
and that you know when
to come up for an interlude
of fresh air every once in awhile

your heart is so
special
please take care
of it

because i would hate
to hear that you’ve broken
two more
one, hers
and in return, yours
yet again