There were times when it was all too much
the smell of fresh linen, whiskey and smoke
I wanted to bury my face in it
and run from it
all at the same time

He pushed my hair back behind my ear
Whispering all the things I needed to hear
Though his words slurred
The clock on the dash flashing 3 in the morning blur
I could’ve sworn there was truth in his glassy eyes

I heard you were back in town
& my heart skipped a beat
I waited
I waited for the drunken call
In the middle of the night
Surly, it would come
Surly, you had not yet forgotten about me

For reasons unknown to me
I willed my fantasies into reality
Knowing all the while
The only reality I would get
was disappointment

I never understood the phrase
“He made my knees go weak”
Until I saw you across the room of that crowded bar
My knees went weak
My hands began to shake
***** spilling over the edge of the glass
The power that you had over me
Left me breathless

Ask me what I remember and I'll tell you
everything
I remember the way you tilted my chin up towards you to kiss me
I remember the sound of you opening the front door
your heavy footsteps creaking on the wooden floors
I remember that your favorite movie is About Time and you laughed the hardest
when I ate pizza dipped in garlic butter
I remember the first night we slept together
How I drifted off for maybe 5 minutes only to be awoken by the sheer thought that the boy I had been in love with for years was sleeping by my side
I remember holidays and beach trips and dinners in the forest
I remember wearing your t-shirts to bed
clinging to your scent the first month you moved.
I remember falling in love with you
All at once
I wrap myself in these memories at night
clinging to the hope
That you'll be back by my side
before the clock strikes midnight

I thought you were my salvation in the bleakness of the world
Telling me I am enough when it was convenient for you
That I wasn’t worth it when it was not
I thought the tide rose and fell with your breath
That the sun came up with you
Little did I know  
I was always my own salvation

I lost myself with him
I lost who I had been and who I could be
As he achieved his dreams
I stood at his side
making myself small
Insignificant to his greatness
I succumbed to the drunken 2AM calls after he broke my heart
The pictures he asked for
The videos I sent
I was within his grasp
Nothing more than a girl who would never amount to anything
Under his watchful gaze

He always made me wear my hair down
Long golden locks cascading down my back
Swaying in the wind whenever I took a step
Until one day I was free
I wore that hair like a cloak
Perfectly framing my face
Hiding myself away from the rest of the world within
He searched and searched for years but could never find me
His commands eventually becoming my salvation

Loving him was like dipping your toes into the Pacific Ocean
Your skin began to tingle
Bones aching in protest
But after a while
The tingling stopped
The aches subsided
Until you were left completely numb

It sneaks up in the middle of the night
Too cowardly to be shown in broad daylight
With it's fanged teeth and snarling voice
It is the thing that leaves you with no choice
It bends and it breaks and it steals and it snatches
And if you're lucky it'll leave you with only a few scratches
But this six letter word is not monster nor demon
So how could it be that it breaks even the strongest freemen?
That is the question that has no answer
And we are continually left with this idea of Cancer

Most of the time I hated him for leaving
How he walked out and never looked back to see my tear stained face
My body crumpling to the earth at the end of the driveway
But there are other times when I remember
AC/DC pouring out of the speakers when his truck pulled up to the house
The smell of smoke clinging to his white t-shirts and plaid jackets
The ***** with a splash of cranberry juice
I remember the cracks of his knees as he came up the stairs in the evening
Or the way he carried me into their room
Laying me down beside my half-asleep mother
But mostly
I remember that this world tore him apart
Ripping his soul into tiny pieces with every passing day
Until he was so far gone that not even the whispers of his little girl could bring him back

Far off in the distance the flames licked the trees with a sensuality
known only to the forest
She obliged for a time
but the sparks grew greedy for more than she could offer
Bridges went up in flames
Waterfalls altered forever
While in the City
We all came together to watch as smoke billowed about
and the first snow fell on a hot September night

Sometimes late at night
When the birds have ceased their chirping
and the summer air has cooled
When I lay very still  
I can feel your touch
Calloused hands sliding over my body
If I breath deeply enough
I can smell your skin
Earth and Whiskey and Smoke
I wish I could bottle that scent
Keep it under lock and key
But just as quickly as it all comes rushing back, It's gone
I'm left with my cat purring at my feet
The pillow beside me untouched

She was the kind of girl
To walk down escalators
Instead of waiting for them
To bring her to the end

"Don't settle for being halfway loved" Momma slurred at 2 in the morning
While I held her golden blonde hair back from the porcelain bowl
"There's no curse in the world worse than that"

I wished for him often
On cars that passed by my bedroom window
Four leaf clovers picked from the earth
Unwanted pennies tossed aside
Even on eyelashes plucked straight from my lids
Tearing myself apart
Just for one last taste of forever

I took showers more often than not
Thinking
If only the water circling the drain would carry my memories of him away with it
If I got the water just hot enough
It would scald him away from my soul
If I scrubbed my body just hard enough
It would wipe away the places he had touched my skin
It worked for a time
my mind clearing as steam clung to the bathroom mirror
But as soon as I stepped out
Dried my skin and let down my hair
It all came back
A mocking flood devouring ever inch of me