He longs to play guitar until his fingertips bleed,
he thinks that will get rid of the feelings,
and that's what he needs.
Though from it his feelings engulf him,
The feelings cut into him like a knife.
Everything around him is grim.
and that's all they have been.
For the previous months, not only the few this year.
He has felt this way for while.
Though no one could tell.
Just like no one notices he is a shell of a man of what he once was.

If I **** my mind,
Maybe I'll be able breathe,
Maybe if I don't think,
I won't crave to drink,
Maybe I don't have thoughts,
I will want to live
So I'll numb over.
And reject every thought,
Because then at least I'm alive

Today you told me
"Go home"
I told you I was...
You said to me,
"No you're on the street"
You didn't realize my home isn't the house I live in.
Home is with you.

This world's crazy,
And my thoughts are growing hazy,
Of how your lips felt against mine,
And how our bodies would intertwine.

I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.

You can't even say you love me,
Why is it I keep wishing you'd show me

I'm a messy eater,
I mix up my words,
I never quite make sense,
I'm loud,
And I often frustrate you..
But just know that I adore you.

Oh, She changed my world from black and grey, to shades of every hue.
She wrapped her rope around my heart,
I knew it the second I looked in her jade eyes,
She had me hooked from start.

People may say that I'm bad,
maybe it's because I yearn to be your habit,

                                             Because,
                                             ****, how I crave that I could be a cigarette,
                                             Packed full of nicotine,

                                             With each inhale with me against your lips,
                                             Your intoxicating lips
                                             You would slowly grow addicted,


If I'm bad,
than then let it be so,
but if I have to be bad,
let me be your bad habit, baby girl.

I went through the entire day,
I was fine, until I saw the date.
The 28th...
*******, why did you walk away?

4 A.M last night I long for you to be in my arms,
2 P.M last week on Wednesday I wanted your lips against mine,
It's always the same strain of thought going throughout my mind,
No matter what day or time,
You have a tendency to invade every corner in my mind.

People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.

When I saw your smile,
It sparked a light off inside me,
And with the light, flowers sprouted,
And a garden grew...
But now your gone,
And the light dimmed to a flicker,
But the flicker caught a tree,
And set a fire.
The flowers are gone,
and land is surrounded by ash and soot.
And a few ******* words was all it took.

People use definitions to define others, along with themselves.
such as I?
Well, I am worthless.

"Trans kids don't have it any worse, it's no harder than what normal people through."

You're right, we have it just like you... Though let me give you and insight of my week

It's not any harder but, when I go to give a compliment to a lass, 9 times out of 10 she will turn to my friend and say, "what's their gender?"

It's not hard  but, when I'm in public, I can't go to the bathroom unless there is a unisex bathroom. Because my family is scared I will get beaten no matter which restroom I chose.

It's not hard but, I am required in certain school functions to have the school force me in a dress, because that's what society believes is correct.

Is not hard but, when my girlfriend takes me home to her parents... I have to pray that they don't take one look at me, and disapprove of our relationship, because I'm a "real guy".

It's not hard but, after mix up with pronouns people will call me an it. Just the desk that I'm using to bear down to write this poem on. It's inanimate, it has no feelings, right?

It's not any harder but, I keep the question "are you sure you're not jus gay?" From random people I don't even know

It's not hard but I, have to hope that class peer I'm paired up with doesn't look down upon people of my community so I don't get death threats.

It's not hard but, I cannot go a day without the coach of my team preaching to my teammates to stop encouraging my immature behavior, that I'm just a female and that's all I'll ever be. To stop using my pronouns.  

It's not hard but, my foster family tried to convert me to the "correct way of life"

It's not hard but, my father abused me for coming out to him.

I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.

My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.

"I don't know if I loved you"

Those words echo throughout my heart, crushing it.

Why couldn't you...?

The images of you two, you and him, they're ******* vivid,
And I sit in my room livid.
All I want is your love,
but I guess that will be left for me to only dream of.

Don't worry about how I'm stubborn,
Forget that I'll argue back,
Tell me my worth,
Tell me everything I can't see.
Tell me..
Tell me..
Please...
Because I'm beginning to think it's just not there any longer.

She told him not to kiss her goodbye,
Because kissing goodbye means leaving,
Though now he glances at the photo frame,
And remembers how he never got a goodbye kiss..
He snatches the frame off the desk and looks down.
It holds a picture of her and him,
A picture with a fond stranger.

The memories could've been amazing,
But you're just ******* coward.

I remember looking Into your jade eyes,
Falling asleep to your heartbeat,
It grew to be my favorite lullaby.

Your mind intrigues me.  
Every little thought,
No matter if they're silly or petty.
I could listen to them for hours.
Thinfs you discovered about yourself,
What your dreams are,
What happened during your childhood,
Why a color is your favorite,
Or what made you get into this hobby.
I want to know you, like An actor knows the lines from their favorite play.

"I won't break up with him, if we're were i break up, it would because he broke up with me"
Every since that was said... I've had a lump in my throat... Because you said such a similar thing to me...

"Isn't hiding your relationship a huge *** burden?"
No, it's not the best circumstance.. But it's worth it.
"How?"
When I can say something sweet, and see that smile.
Hear a sweet name,
Or go hold her,
Or see her for a few minutes after a long time,
Or hear her voice...
It's all worth it

I love who I am, I swear I do,
But on nights like these,
it's hard to believe
That anyone else could love me too.

You tell me to chase my dreams. Though you're in them.
You say Don't allow anyone to alter my  dreams.
You don't want me.
You've made up my mind for me.

Reserved
/rəˈzərvd/
Adjective.
Definition: Kept for a certain purpose or person.
I have a spot for you, it's reserved.
It's vacant, and it has been since you left..
I wish it otherwise, I wish someone was there, filling that gap
but I want you..
And the matter of current events says it will be left as is.
Empty.

Maybe later  we will meet again under differerent circumstance,
And maybe then I'll have a chance

I recalled a time when I was referred to as the sun,
though maybe I wasn't.
Maybe I was the moon,
Simply just a gray reflection of what I wanted to be.

He hadn't the slightest clue of who would leave or stay.
So he spent his days pushing them away.
Until he saw those gorgeous eyes, the girl who could break down the towering walls along his heart.
And soon because the muse for all of his art.

Our hands touched and I was breathless.
I thought my feelings could be suppressed.
Though, I thought wrong I glanced into your eyes.
And then again I am paralyzed.
You lean into give me a kiss.
This shouldn't happen, it won't happen, something's amiss.
Then my alarm began to sound.
Then the kiss amiss, the problem, I  found.

Good morning my dear, I'll see you tonight in my dreams.

I promised my grandmother, Id never be in a jail.
Along with another promise, that I would I always be true to myself.
But today I broke her promise.
I stood under the light, trying to gasp for air,
A jail is so uncomfortable, so unfair.
Sitting there, having society make you "correct",
Having society reform you to be who you "should" be,
Telling you how you "should" do.
I sat in misery,
In agony.
I wasn't true to myself tonight,
I'm sorry Mimi
Though I hadnt choice,
I had no voice.
I stood there holding back tears,
Holding back the person I had worked to be all the years
Standing, engulfed by the walls of my cell,
But, the cell was not a room,
I was not enclosed by brick walls,
Or metal bars.
Yet, black fabric, and careful stitches which made up the dress.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but know you were immensely unlikely to achieve it?
Some wish fame.
Some wish wealth.
Some wish talent.
I wish happiness.
All seem uncanny when you think about them.

The fact that death lurks after me frightens me.
I never noticed how easy it is to halt a pulse, how easy it is for a heart to stop.
Maybe I'm not even scared of death.
Maybe I'm scared of not living a memorable life.

I told you every body left,
I told you every body gave up.
You assured me you wouldn't,
I believed you...
But It turns out I was right.

Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.

The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

I haven't broken in months,
and the only thing I want worse than shattered knuckles and a ****** fist,
Is your lips against mine,
Though,
I'll act as if everything is swell,
I'll say everything is fine.
But I know that we can't, that we won't be.
and I know the fact but I can't not dwell.

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

Five shots,
And a couple beers,
And you're still not out of my mind.
You're not supposed to ******* be here

She said she loved his long hair,
That's why when he went to the hairdresser he got his hair buzzed.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

I began my year with wanting to be your New Years kiss,  funny how that's how it's ending too.

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

I remember the butterflies in my stomach,
I spend my nights trying to drown them with nicotine..
And trying to rid myself of me.
I never deserved them anyway,
I just didn't see that until today.

I remember hearing the sound of heels,
clicking behind me,
I recall how it made me feel,
I thought when I turned around Id see the most gorgeous lass,
And I was right,
I saw you.