The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

"Isn't hiding your relationship a huge *** burden?"
No, it's not the best circumstance.. But it's worth it.
"How?"
When I can say something sweet, and see that smile.
Hear a sweet name,
Or go hold her,
Or see her for a few minutes after a long time,
Or hear her voice...
It's all worth it

She said she loved his long hair,
That's why when he went to the hairdresser he got his hair buzzed.

My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.

A glance up,
A man stands within the shadow's drape,
That man, was always there,
And always glanced back.
The man followed,
This man ******* haunted me.
Heart lukewarm,
complimented by blue eyes chilling as ice.
Observing the man,
We spoke during silence,
Throughout the lulls in minds thought.
I noticed the darkness is his aura,
wickedness thriving from him.
From his tainted heart.
As soulless portals otherwise claimed as eyes.
Standing there,
attempting to place a lull in thought,
For the thoughts were all of violence,
The man was in front,
Though hard to make out,
In the shadows drape,
An the lights gleam.
A smile emerged and began to beam,
A smile as warm as a summer street,
a smile so bittersweet,
Though as bare feet walk along the asphalt's turns,
warm turns to pain and burns
Yet filled with remorse,
And observing the smile, the demons evolved to be worse.
The silence grew furious,
The violence grew stronger,
fists clenched,
Thoughts causing a riot.
To **** the beast,
To save other's from his pain,
allow love to flow after he is slain.
A glance into the glass,
And it seems to be,
That the shadows in glass, in the mirror,
Seem to be surrounding me.
A clenched jaw,
And toughest of the hurt,
The hurt caused,
by this wretched shell of a man.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU ******* BEAST"
I hate the man in the mirror to say the least.

The images of you two, you and him, they're ******* vivid,
And I sit in my room livid.
All I want is your love,
but I guess that will be left for me to only dream of.

As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves

My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.

People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.

I sit and strum a chord,
though mess up on the tab because I zone out,
these thoughts shouldn't be here,
and are obviously off the board.
and that is without a doubt
but these lingering thoughts,
are of you, my dear.
I can't get them to go away,
lately they've stayed growing stronger with each passing day

The memories could've been amazing,
But you're just ******* coward.

When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

"Find an anchor"
Because anchors hold you down,
And keep you from floating out to sea,
I once thought it was love,
Though that was silly of me,
Because love is pretentious,
And is no longer a part of me.
Love is dead,
And the only thing that anchors me down,
Are the thoughts in my head.

I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.

People use definitions to define others, along with themselves.
such as I?
Well, I am worthless.

I understand that I'm not the lad of your dreams,
The lad you want in a relationship with you,
Or the lad you'll dance with.
And that I'm too hopeful for these things.

But, what I do hope comes true.
That one day, when you're painting. You use a certain hue of blue.
That reminds you of my eyes.
And then you realize.
That I would have traveled the world for you.
And that I loved you, more than anything.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

He longs to play guitar until his fingertips bleed,
he thinks that will get rid of the feelings,
and that's what he needs.
Though from it his feelings engulf him,
The feelings cut into him like a knife.
Everything around him is grim.
and that's all they have been.
For the previous months, not only the few this year.
He has felt this way for while.
Though no one could tell.
Just like no one notices he is a shell of a man of what he once was.

I recalled a time when I was referred to as the sun,
though maybe I wasn't.
Maybe I was the moon,
Simply just a gray reflection of what I wanted to be.

I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.

I lie to myself often,
Like saying you'll come visit me,
Or that you'll want me back...
It makes it easier to get through the day.

Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.

A part of me wants you to say my name,
Just as innocent as can be,
As in the way to grab my attention.
Just to start a conversation with me.

But a hungry part of me wants to hear you moan my name.
As you did im the past,
Just as it was back during summer,
God those days went by too fast.

You know..
You know..
You...
You don't,
You know nothing about me anymore.
You lost that when we met,
As did I..
Though you don't know me,
My dreams,
My craving,
Not even my middle name
We are just strangers with fond memories,
And what a ******* shame that is to me.

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

You tell me to chase my dreams. Though you're in them.
You say Don't allow anyone to alter my  dreams.
You don't want me.
You've made up my mind for me.

I know it's over,
It's nearly been sixth months.
I know you won't listen to the mixed CD I made you because you miss me dearly.
Or for you to fall asleep on the side of the bed the you used to sleep on when I was there and look at the sheets besides you and wish I was there.
But, I do need you to remember the passion that ran through our veins, the electric spark that filled the room that first night I finally got the courage to kiss you.

I remember the butterflies in my stomach,
I spend my nights trying to drown them with nicotine..
And trying to rid myself of me.
I never deserved them anyway,
I just didn't see that until today.

My fingers are raw.
I spend hours with my guitar playing in attempt to clear my mind...
But oh god, she was in every ******* song lyric.
In every song I've learned how to play

Put me on display,
Like I'm a work of Art in a museum.
I want criticism,
I want to know what to be,
so I can be good enough.

Maybe later  we will meet again under differerent circumstance,
And maybe then I'll have a chance

I began my year with wanting to be your New Years kiss,  funny how that's how it's ending too.

Your mind intrigues me.  
Every little thought,
No matter if they're silly or petty.
I could listen to them for hours.
Thinfs you discovered about yourself,
What your dreams are,
What happened during your childhood,
Why a color is your favorite,
Or what made you get into this hobby.
I want to know you, like An actor knows the lines from their favorite play.

I'm a messy eater,
I mix up my words,
I never quite make sense,
I'm loud,
And I often frustrate you..
But just know that I adore you.

You told me once that you shouldn't have fallen in love with me, now that you see who I am...
I wonder if thats that's how you really feel

You can't even say you love me,
Why is it I keep wishing you'd show me

Whichever parent told me "sticks and stones will break my bones and words will never hurt me" is ******* misguided.
Because words are one of the most destructive weapons that I've ever faced.
Though do you know why words can be the most painful weapon?
Because words can ease the curiosity that the human mind loves to conjure up.
Words can lift a person up, make them feel ecstatic.
Though on the polar end.
The words a person has one said
Can be the reason an individual wants whiskey in their veins instead of blood cell,
Every **** word,
Can echo in a person head.
Haunting them.
Causing the individual to tear themself apart

"What was so different about her than everyone else?"
We clicked, I didn't have to try hard,
Everything was so natural,
We had our differences, yeah.
Though they didn't define us.
We were happy together.
I'm not saying there weren't problems,
But we faced them, and they usually never bested us,
But,
She was home.

Everyone has different defitions for each word.
And for mine...
It's you

Oh, I crave to be loved by you.
I crave to be in your head,
And I wouldn't mind if you didn't even think about kissing me often.
Just once in awhile.

I crave to look into your eyes,
To see a flame,
For you to realize,
How much I truly care..

I crave to hold you close,
Not even intimately of you don't wish,
Just close,
I want you in my arms.

I want you, I really do, baby.

Today you told me
"Go home"
I told you I was...
You said to me,
"No you're on the street"
You didn't realize my home isn't the house I live in.
Home is with you.

If I **** my mind,
Maybe I'll be able breathe,
Maybe if I don't think,
I won't crave to drink,
Maybe I don't have thoughts,
I will want to live
So I'll numb over.
And reject every thought,
Because then at least I'm alive

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but know you were immensely unlikely to achieve it?
Some wish fame.
Some wish wealth.
Some wish talent.
I wish happiness.
All seem uncanny when you think about them.

Our hands touched and I was breathless.
I thought my feelings could be suppressed.
Though, I thought wrong I glanced into your eyes.
And then again I am paralyzed.
You lean into give me a kiss.
This shouldn't happen, it won't happen, something's amiss.
Then my alarm began to sound.
Then the kiss amiss, the problem, I  found.

Good morning my dear, I'll see you tonight in my dreams.

I told you every body left,
I told you every body gave up.
You assured me you wouldn't,
I believed you...
But It turns out I was right.

He hadn't the slightest clue of who would leave or stay.
So he spent his days pushing them away.
Until he saw those gorgeous eyes, the girl who could break down the towering walls along his heart.
And soon because the muse for all of his art.

I remember when Id kiss you suddenly and you'd inhale air,
I remember holding you some nights you'd fight to stay away but lull asleep in my arms,
I remember our first kiss and the spark ignited with it,
I remember every song you've sung to me, and your lovely voice.
I remember you holding me after a seizure,
I remember everything..
And lately you're in every corner of my mind

"What color makes you feel the safest?"
"Green?"
"Why?"
"Because that's the color I see when I look in her eyes."