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Escalus Dec 2014
"What do you want"
I..-
"Anything at all, whatever you wish"
Her happiness.
"What are you willing to sacrifice."
Everything..
Escalus Jan 2015
I lie to myself often,
Like saying you'll come visit me,
Or that you'll want me back...
It makes it easier to get through the day.
Escalus Jan 2015
Whichever parent told me "sticks and stones will break my bones and words will never hurt me" is ******* misguided.
Because words are one of the most destructive weapons that I've ever faced.
Though do you know why words can be the most painful weapon?
Because words can ease the curiosity that the human mind loves to conjure up.
Words can lift a person up, make them feel ecstatic.
Though on the polar end.
The words a person has one said
Can be the reason an individual wants whiskey in their veins instead of blood cell,
Every **** word,
Can echo in a person head.
Haunting them.
Causing the individual to tear themself apart
Escalus Jun 2015
"I don't know if I loved you"

Those words echo throughout my heart, crushing it.

Why couldn't you...?
Escalus Mar 2015
Five shots,
And a couple beers,
And you're still not out of my mind.
You're not supposed to ******* be here
Escalus Dec 2014
Reserved
/rəˈzərvd/
Adjective.
Definition: Kept for a certain purpose or person.
I have a spot for you, it's reserved.
It's vacant, and it has been since you left..
I wish it otherwise, I wish someone was there, filling that gap
but I want you..
And the matter of current events says it will be left as is.
Empty.
Escalus Mar 2014
He hadn't the slightest clue of who would leave or stay.
So he spent his days pushing them away.
Until he saw those gorgeous eyes, the girl who could break down the towering walls along his heart.
And soon because the muse for all of his art.
Escalus Nov 2014
I just want more more night,
One more night before you rule me out.
One more before you say it isn't right
Escalus Jan 2015
"I won't break up with him, if we're were i break up, it would because he broke up with me"
Every since that was said... I've had a lump in my throat... Because you said such a similar thing to me...
I hope they last.
Escalus Sep 2015
My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.
I gave you my everything, and it wasn't good enough. Though i'm so thankful your happy. Though I'm so tired of staying up each night wondering why I couldn't make you so...
Escalus Jan 2015
Change me,
Change me, to be a lad worth wanting,
Change me so I can be good enough,
I just want to be worthy.
Use me,
Use me make me yours,
Use me even if for one night,
I just want you close.
Love me, oh please.
Love me how I love you,
I just want you to show it briefly.
Make me, oh make me,
Make me into a man you can love,
Make me into a prince,
I just don't want to be a beast.
Keep me,
Keep me sane,
Keep me calm,
Keep me pure, im tired of living tainted.
I just want to be in possession of a good soul.
Escalus Jan 2015
"Isn't hiding your relationship a huge *** burden?"
No, it's not the best circumstance.. But it's worth it.
"How?"
When I can say something sweet, and see that smile.
Hear a sweet name,
Or go hold her,
Or see her for a few minutes after a long time,
Or hear her voice...
It's all worth it
Escalus Jan 2015
Put me on display,
Like I'm a work of Art in a museum.
I want criticism,
I want to know what to be,
so I can be good enough.
Escalus Jan 2015
I love who I am, I swear I do,
But on nights like these,
it's hard to believe
That anyone else could love me too.
Escalus Dec 2013
Our hands touched and I was breathless.
I thought my feelings could be suppressed.
Though, I thought wrong I glanced into your eyes.
And then again I am paralyzed.
You lean into give me a kiss.
This shouldn't happen, it won't happen, something's amiss.
Then my alarm began to sound.
Then the kiss amiss, the problem, I  found.

Good morning my dear, I'll see you tonight in my dreams.
Escalus Jan 2015
Your mind intrigues me.  
Every little thought,
No matter if they're silly or petty.
I could listen to them for hours.
Thinfs you discovered about yourself,
What your dreams are,
What happened during your childhood,
Why a color is your favorite,
Or what made you get into this hobby.
I want to know you, like An actor knows the lines from their favorite play.
Escalus Mar 2015
4 A.M last night I long for you to be in my arms,
2 P.M last week on Wednesday I wanted your lips against mine,
It's always the same strain of thought going throughout my mind,
No matter what day or time,
You have a tendency to invade every corner in my mind.
Escalus Apr 2015
Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.
Escalus Dec 2014
My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.
But... My older step sister told me love also includes sacrifice for the other persons happiness. And I'll do just that... I'll just spend my nights hoping your happy.
Escalus Jan 2013
Have you ever wanted something so bad, but know you were immensely unlikely to achieve it?
Some wish fame.
Some wish wealth.
Some wish talent.
I wish happiness.
All seem uncanny when you think about them.
Escalus Dec 2014
I remember looking Into your jade eyes,
Falling asleep to your heartbeat,
It grew to be my favorite lullaby.
Escalus Dec 2014
I know it's over,
It's nearly been sixth months.
I know you won't listen to the mixed CD I made you because you miss me dearly.
Or for you to fall asleep on the side of the bed the you used to sleep on when I was there and look at the sheets besides you and wish I was there.
But, I do need you to remember the passion that ran through our veins, the electric spark that filled the room that first night I finally got the courage to kiss you.
Escalus Jan 2015
I'm a messy eater,
I mix up my words,
I never quite make sense,
I'm loud,
And I often frustrate you..
But just know that I adore you.
And I can't help but miss you
Escalus Jan 2015
Maybe later  we will meet again under differerent circumstance,
And maybe then I'll have a chance
Escalus Jan 2015
"Trans kids don't have it any worse, it's no harder than what normal people through."

You're right, we have it just like you... Though let me give you and insight of my week

It's not any harder but, when I go to give a compliment to a lass, 9 times out of 10 she will turn to my friend and say, "what's their gender?"

It's not hard  but, when I'm in public, I can't go to the bathroom unless there is a unisex bathroom. Because my family is scared I will get beaten no matter which restroom I chose.

It's not hard but, I am required in certain school functions to have the school force me in a dress, because that's what society believes is correct.

Is not hard but, when my girlfriend takes me home to her parents... I have to pray that they don't take one look at me, and disapprove of our relationship, because I'm a "real guy".

It's not hard but, after mix up with pronouns people will call me an it. Just the desk that I'm using to bear down to write this poem on. It's inanimate, it has no feelings, right?

It's not any harder but, I keep the question "are you sure you're not jus gay?" From random people I don't even know

It's not hard but I, have to hope that class peer I'm paired up with doesn't look down upon people of my community so I don't get death threats.

It's not hard but, I cannot go a day without the coach of my team preaching to my teammates to stop encouraging my immature behavior, that I'm just a female and that's all I'll ever be. To stop using my pronouns.  

It's not hard but, my foster family tried to convert me to the "correct way of life"

It's not hard but, my father abused me for coming out to him.
Escalus Jan 2015
"do you hate anyone"
Yes, myself.
And I'm sorry, I know you want me to be happy with who I am.
Because I do no good,
And I'm sorry, I know you deserve better.
No matter how hard I try,
I'm sorry, maybe I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't want to be bad
I'm sorry I lied and said I was good
But I always **** up.
I'm sorry, I'm always sorry
So almost every sentence is followed with "I'm sorry"
Just know, I'm sorry, for everything
Escalus Sep 2015
As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves
Escalus Sep 2015
People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.
Escalus Jan 2013
The fact that death lurks after me frightens me.
I never noticed how easy it is to halt a pulse, how easy it is for a heart to stop.
Maybe I'm not even scared of death.
Maybe I'm scared of not living a memorable life.
Escalus Apr 2015
You know..
You know..
You...
You don't,
You know nothing about me anymore.
You lost that when we met,
As did I..
Though you don't know me,
My dreams,
My craving,
Not even my middle name
We are just strangers with fond memories,
And what a ******* shame that is to me.
Escalus Dec 2014
This world's crazy,
And my thoughts are growing hazy,
Of how your lips felt against mine,
And how our bodies would intertwine.
Escalus Jan 2015
I remember hearing the sound of heels,
clicking behind me,
I recall how it made me feel,
I thought when I turned around Id see the most gorgeous lass,
And I was right,
I saw you.
But lately, if I mention it,
You say it's in the past.
I guess my friends were right,
A relationship with me never lasts
Escalus Sep 2015
I recalled a time when I was referred to as the sun,
though maybe I wasn't.
Maybe I was the moon,
Simply just a gray reflection of what I wanted to be.
Escalus Apr 2015
She told him not to kiss her goodbye,
Because kissing goodbye means leaving,
Though now he glances at the photo frame,
And remembers how he never got a goodbye kiss..
He snatches the frame off the desk and looks down.
It holds a picture of her and him,
A picture with a fond stranger.
Escalus Jan 2015
I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.
Escalus Feb 2015
I sit and strum a chord,
though mess up on the tab because I zone out,
these thoughts shouldn't be here,
and are obviously off the board.
and that is without a doubt
but these lingering thoughts,
are of you, my dear.
I can't get them to go away,
lately they've stayed growing stronger with each passing day
Escalus Apr 2015
People use definitions to define others, along with themselves.
such as I?
Well, I am worthless.
Escalus Jan 2015
I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.
Escalus Jan 2015
What if I would have disappeared before I even ****** us up..
You would be happ834
But I didnt..
And I'm sorry.
I'm a burden
Escalus Dec 2014
He's a ghost and she looks right through him,
Somedays he wonders if she sees him at all.

He is the sun, and she is the moon.
Somedays he ponders if she ever wishes to meet up with him too.

though is it said,
A human and ghost cannot be together
Nor can the sun and moon meet.
Escalus Jan 2015
I began my year with wanting to be your New Years kiss,  funny how that's how it's ending too.
Escalus Jan 2015
I told you every body left,
I told you every body gave up.
You assured me you wouldn't,
I believed you...
But It turns out I was right.
Escalus Jan 2015
You can't even say you love me,
Why is it I keep wishing you'd show me
Escalus Apr 2015
The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".
Escalus Nov 2014
I'm not on drugs,
I'm in love,
But maybe love is just as strong.
Escalus Jan 2015
You told me once that you shouldn't have fallen in love with me, now that you see who I am...
I wonder if thats that's how you really feel
But why does it matter anyway... You don't love me anymore.. Right?
Escalus Dec 2014
You tell me to chase my dreams. Though you're in them.
You say Don't allow anyone to alter my  dreams.
You don't want me.
You've made up my mind for me.
I'll make you happy even if it means altering my dream.
Escalus Jan 2015
Oh, I crave to be loved by you.
I crave to be in your head,
And I wouldn't mind if you didn't even think about kissing me often.
Just once in awhile.

I crave to look into your eyes,
To see a flame,
For you to realize,
How much I truly care..

I crave to hold you close,
Not even intimately of you don't wish,
Just close,
I want you in my arms.

I want you, I really do, baby.
Escalus Feb 2015
He longs to play guitar until his fingertips bleed,
he thinks that will get rid of the feelings,
and that's what he needs.
Though from it his feelings engulf him,
The feelings cut into him like a knife.
Everything around him is grim.
and that's all they have been.
For the previous months, not only the few this year.
He has felt this way for while.
Though no one could tell.
Just like no one notices he is a shell of a man of what he once was.
Escalus Mar 2015
When I think of you two,
There's always a lump in my throat,
It's my heart.
There's a fire in my chest,
It's an old friend called jealously.
There's a pounding in my head,
Let's call it envy.
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