I sit here and daydream, and realize their presence is nicotine.
Their hazel eyes act as a tranquilizer,
And i'm pretty sure their smile couldn't get any brighter.
I **** their touch,
I tend to crave it a little too much.

Running, throughout my life I always loved to run.
When I was little and they told us we were running in gym I was always so happy.
I was always one of the fastest, it always made me happy.
I still love running,
But now it's a different person.
When I run, it isn't for fitness or joy..
Because I'm so numb, I'm just happy to feel the exhaustion, the pain.
Because for once. I can feel again

Everyday people ask each other, "How are you?"  When I am asked that question often I reply with "I'm okay". Though, often  not feeling okay. There are times when I don't even know what emotion I am feeling. Throughout a week I can go through every emotion one can think of because of all of the difficulties that life throws at me. Things are always how I wish them. It's hard to describe. Some days, I'm okay, but not okay. And I'm content with that. It's a part of being human

I have a hopeless crush on someone I have no chance with.
I tell myself to stop, it's stupid to even think of being with them.
They do not want me, I doubt they ever had.
They want them, they have them.
Why would I even conjure up an idea so improbable.

I fool myself for a little while, that is in the absence of your presence.
You talk to me again, whether text or person.
I find myself rambling again, crushing again.
I cannot help myself.
I know I have no chance, but I can try right?

I can try to make you the happiest you have been in a while
I can try to make you smile.
I can try to make you laugh.
I can try to show you my feelings.
I can try to make you mine.
I can and will

I
           Have never really understood how human emotions, the human brain, the human heart, and the chemical imbalances in our bodies work. I didn't understand it as a kid, and to this day, I still don't, it

Wasn't
           Logical to me, how one day someone could mean the world to you, and the next day they've thrown you to the curb, and I'm just


Supposed
            To know how to fix everything, how to become the perfect human being. How to fit into there perfect little vision of how they imagine, how they dream you

To
            Be, when in reality... I'm  trying to alter myself for that one person. Trying to impress that one person so they don't think that I'm a failure. I find myself constantly fixing myself to their perfect illusion so I don't fail them, so they don't

Fall
           Out of love with me, I never notice how they were changing me. That they were changing multiple aspects about me. Yet, I noticed how I still didn't seem to fit

In
         That silly little illusion that their mind had sculpted of me. I then began to get aggravated and question what love is, what is it!? What is

Love
         I spent days, week, months, aggravated, ripping up notes I had written, pictures I had taken, turning over tables, so frustrated as to why any of the individual id fancied in my life couldn't fall in love

With
          Me, what was wrong with me? Why could I be loved. I spent hours trying to find this answer. I never seemed to find it, until someone came into my life,

You
            It was you who showed me I could indeed be loved, even with every dark side that is stitched into my chemical make up. I still ponder as to how someone as lovely as you could fall in love with me. Though, I won't doubt it. Like I said, you're different from the others in my life.

Locked in a cold, prison they call the hospital.
The drapes of death creeping between the rooms.
The shaking, the crying, the immense pain.
No one to hold me, no one to protect me.
The fears the phobias of this life overtake me.
For if I close my eyes for just one second, I just might leave this world.

I was asked how did I know my love was dead.
All i could simply conjure up, was that i was more in love with the memories in my head.
When you love the thoughts, more than him.
In that moment, I realized, my love for him was now a pseudonym.

I broke a vase when I was younger,
I broke into multiple chunks,
All Big, it was easy to glue,
To hide from my mother.
Now,
I sit with a shattered heart,
With thousands of tiny shards,
It's been an eternity,
And I still don't have it complete.

She was hope, She was love.
Two things I had not believe existed for awhile.
Within those green eyes, I felt at home.
Though now you're leaving, hope is fading.
I'm lost and alone, and now I don't have a home.

But you see, she's not just any lass That's the thing that terrifies me, she wasn't just any lass yesterday, and surely she won't be just any lass tomorrow. She is not just a lass. Because no other lass can affect me the way she does when she smiles, or when she speaks.

It's one a.m and I can't sleep,
All because thoughts of you are engulfing me.
Another sleepless night,
Seems like I won't sleep until things are right.

He sits against the tree,
Pondering of all this to be,
And what had been,
Especially his mistakes,
He's got his old lyric book on one side him,
And his guitar on the other.

He tries to write,
He tries and tries and tries,
But all that comes to mind is her,
He's got a lyric phrase on his paper beside him,
And a guitar in his lap.

He's got a head full old bad mistakes,
And a heart full of hurt from the pain he caused her,
Tears burning his eyes,
A full page of song lyrics in the tattered book beside him,
And a guitar neck in his hand's cold grasp

He's got a lump in his throat,
Remorse in his heart,
Tear Smudged, scribbled lyrics written in pencil...
And a guitar imitating the sounds dreadful frets in between his fingertips

They captivate you,
Your smile won't stay away when you talk to them, you just sit there like an idiot.
You can't help but laugh at their jokes.
You aren't afraid to be yourself around them.
You think about them constantly.
You do flips when they text you
They make everything make better...
You were thinking of someone when reading this, right?
Now's your chance, Take it... Tell them!
Don't wait till your chance is gone...

I know, you don't feel for me the way i do.
I know, you and me will never be more that friends.
I know, That you wouldn't want someone like me.
You know, I have feelings for you,
You know, I wish  to call you mine.
You know, how you feel for me. (I Wish I knew..)
Yet I am still stuck here.

You don't know, how happy I am when I see you.
You don't know that I stay up often thinking about you.
And You don't know half the things i wish to say, for I delete the message every time.
Yet I am still stuck here...

I know, that you don't wish for a relationship.
I know, you're afraid of hurting me, or that I would leave.
And I know, that I shouldn't still feel this way.
Yet I am still stuck here...

Ghosts exist,
The ghosts of our mistakes,
They wander in our hearts,
And break us,
Piece
By piece,
Until we've been torn into shreds,
And completely fallen apart.

Spirits exist,
The spirits of who we break,
They tear us apart,
And shatter us,
Shard
By Shard
Until they dictate our heads.
And drop anchor in our heart.

If you ever at any moment begin to doubt any aspect of yourself, just take a moment to walk deep into any forest nearby. Look around and notice how the trees still stand tall even though they are given no recognition what so ever. Walk along side any stream, no matter what the side, The water still flows, though no one stops to praise it. Lay out and watch the stars late at night; they shine often without any acknowledgment. Humans can be  just the same. We are made out of many of the same same chemicals which make up these creations around us.  Never forget that you are beautiful and never forget your self worth.

You just left... (I miss you cuddling up to me for warmth already)
Its strange. (I don't know how to explain)
I’m pretty sure I still love you. (and I don’t know what to do.)
I don’t see us being together. (though that’s what I want.)
I love being in your presence. ( I wish we hung out more.)
Though maybe we will. (I can only hope.)
You’re so goofy, so handsome, so happy, so crazy (there’s a list I could draw out but that would be to long to write.. )
But I’m kinda shy, and probably won’t say my feelings (I don’t want to mess this up again)
You always drop things you are going to say. (It makes me wonder, do they have to do with me?)
Just tell me. (I’ll tell you too)

Send me a text like lovers do,
I just want to feel like I mean something to you.

I just want to say thank you.. to everyone in my life..
I was asked today why I am so thankful.
I know my life is not the best, and at times it gets rough.
It could be worse though, I shouldn't dwell on the bad today.
I have some people in my life that care, and that enough.

I look out the window as we drive along,
My thoughts drift to you, and only you.
To the feelings that clash inside over you.
Like how...
I love everything about you.
I love those hazel eyes that glance back at me.
I love those hands that push me playfully.
I love those lips that grin back at me.
I love that personality that keeps me in awe

I loathe everything about you.
I loathe those eyes that glare intensely back.
I loathe those hands that hold another.
I loathe those lips that tempt me for just a kiss.
I loathe that personality that urges me to fall

I glance around through my eyes, they won’t open; they’re afraid to see the damage.
I see everything through the little vision I have…
I see the blood; I hear the noises initiating pain, the tire marks from trying to avoid the collision, and the paramedics trying to keep me awake.
I can’t speak the pain in my chest won’t allow it, I can only watch it all blur as the tears fill my eyes.
I can’t feel most of my body, I can only feel the pain coursing through my veins, I see the chaos.
I look over to the person in the gurney next to me, I see the immense change I’ve caused them.
I close my eyes and hope to fade away from this entire scene.
This is the monstrous wreck.

I glance around everything surrounding me, I don’t want to see what is forming.
I open my eyes, and cover my eyes with my hands staring through the cracks
I see the bloodshed, I hear my cries, I analyze every mistake I’ve made the caused this, and the few people reaching out wanting to help me…
I can’t say what is needed; fear withholds me; I can only watch it as I fall to my knees again
I can’t feel my connecting to the world; I can only feeling the pain eating away at me, watch the mess I have become.
I look over to the mirror and look for the girl I used to be, I see the transformation I’ve with gone.
I shut my eyes each night and hope to dissolve away from what I have become.
This is the monstrous me.

The more we talk, I wonder how you feel for me.
The more we talk, I wonder how this will all play out.
The more we talk, I wonder if you will ever sit in my arms

The more we talk, I feel the electricity courses through my veins.
The more we talk, I feel the words beating at my blockades.
The more we talk, I feel the need to express my feelings.

The more we talk, it tends to appear that my laugh emanates often.
The more we talk, it tends to appear that my smiles appear often.
The more we talk, it tends to appear that my face tends to become beet red.

The more we talk, the stronger my feelings evolves.
The more we talk, the stronger my happiness evolves.
The more we talk, the stronger my fear of loosing you evolves.

Oh the blazing sun,
Burning throughout the hot summer day,
Surrounded by clouds, which shade him,
Though as the sunset approaches, he leaves, and while doing so he catches a glance of the moon.

On the cool moon,
Radiating throughout the warm summer night,
Surrounded by stars, yet out shining them all.
As dawn appears and the sun rises, the moon quickly fades out of the sky.

Oh, I never know how the sun and the moon, could compare so well to you and I.

Message one: You're captivating, being in your embrace causes my heart to speed up and for my stomach to fill with butterflies, I don't think you would want me... though maybe there's a chance Erases
Message two: Hey I really wish you could be mine Erases
Message three: Hey, I really like you Erases
Message four: Hey Dear. (: Sends

I.. never figured I would develop feelings for you,
Still... I wish to hold you,
Like... It is hard to explain,
You ... are unlike any other I have wanted.

I'm skidish,
I didn't want to mess up our friendship,
but everyday...
I thought what if's and hows..

But... I didn't speak up
My mind said "No, you know what will happen"
Though my heart said "Yes! Oh, yes!"
I thought being rational and trying to push it away.. would work

And now you're their's,
Believe me Dear, When I say I'm happy for you.
I'm glad that they make you happy,
But inside, I'm wishing it was me.

Thoughts clawing at the seems.
Begging, crying to get out.
I wish to speak my mind to you.
These feelings slowly scratching their way, leaving me ready to shout.
When you are around it feels as if my heart was unfrozen.
Ready to speak it all though afraid I will only sound like scratched record on replay.
I don't know how to act, what to say or what to do.
I have these civil wars in my brain of what and what not to say.
I never figured that these feelings would have grown so immense.
I know that I have no chance.
Everything is jumbled when you are not around, though when you are; everything makes sense.
Right when I look into your eyes, even if it is only a glance.
At times I wonder if i'm not catching hints, do I take the right vibe?
I never ask my questions, so there in my mind they linger; answers unknown.
Sometimes I wonder if you are hiding something inside.
Unknowing of how you feel, I watch my tone.
I have no reason to give up, for none of us know what our future deems.

Tick
        Tock
Tick
        Tock
Tick...
Oh, how agonizing and stressful the clicks of a clock are.
Tick
       Tock
Tick
       Tock...
And oh, how the the conversation in the room around me are taxing.
Tick
      Tock
Tick...
The Smiles, the laughter
Tick
       Tock...
You tell me to wait, that everything will work out, there's nothing to blame.
Tick...
But baby, patience is a virtue I've never been able to claim.
Tock.

To the one who dates her next..
She has rough nights, and whether she tells you to sleep or not.. Please stay up with her... Just in case she needs you. But... She’s miss independent she will rarely ever ask for help, still reassure her you’re always there, and make sure you are always there. Whether she calls on you or not, but don't get mad if she doesn't... That's just her. She has her moments when insecurities break through, she will tell you to run, or as will begin to speak negativity of herself... it breaks my heart, throughout the years I've known her.. She's always been her worst critic. She may try to push you away, don't be offended.. She just doesn't like having people too close, but even with her protesting. You stay there and support her, even if she doesn't let you in at that moment.. If she gets excited about something, don't claim it is silly and push it off... It brings her joy, ask her by or what it is. Kiss her, even when she's sick... And sing with her, even if you're sick, or just can't sing.... Sing with her it will make her smile.  If she wants to watch a movie, hold her close and cuddle with her during the movie, even if it's a kids movies, you watch it with her. She's never really been to fond at video games, so if she says no.. Don't be mad. Always listen to what she has to say, let her know how appealing her mind is.. And just know. Her mind is so intriguing. Of she goes off on tangents or begins to talk, listen, and let her.. Often she talks about why she finds interesting or it's something she cares about. When it comes to studying she won’t always replay, though sometimes when she is procrastinating you will. If she texts you one time, and then next time doesn't don't take it personally.  She’s just busy with school work, she's dedicated to her college, to her dream.. She wasn't comfortable with her body when we were together, so when you're together, she may want the lights off... Say yes, make sure she's comfortable, ALWAYS make sure she's comfortable.  Oh, sometimes, rarely, she will grow jealous... Those lovely green eyes will show it.. Her eyes are a key, eyes show it all... Reassure her that you love her too. On that note, make sure she knows that you love her, even with her flaws... and on her bad nights. If you can’t, leave. There will be nights she craves to drink.. She never really drinks much.. Mayr a shot... But if she happens to intake too much, Make sure she gets plenty of water and Advil. Be sure she drinks all the water or so she won't as miserable in the morning. Remember the date you asked her to be yours, that's an important date, you should see it that way because she gave you the joy of being together, even if you think it's silly... Tell her happy anniversary. Remember how she likes her coffee and just how sweet she likes it. Attempt to remember all the little details she lets you know, because they make up her... They make her the lovely lass she is. So if she mentions her favorite flower is the one you just drove by? Document that it is a Tiger Lily, or why her favorite song lyric pulls at her heart.. Speaking of what makes her who she is... Ask about her childhood, her memories... They molded her to who she is, ask about her background even if she tells you a story you think is boring, you cherish it, because It is a piece of her... When she’s having an anxiety attack wrap her up in your arms, and just ask her if she wants to talk.. Even if she doesn't want to talk about the cause of the attack.. Talk about anything, whatever her heart desires. If you can’t treat her like royalty, let someone else... She isn't a princess... She's a queen. She deserves the world, and you need to give that to her.. Losing her is a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down and it's hard to move on... But if it comes to a point where she is happier with someone else, you let her go... I'm not saying don't fight for her, but if you sand in the way if her happiness, step aside. Because her happiness means an immense amount... Give her everything, give her smiles, funny jokes, adventures, give her gifts even though she protests, give her fun dates, relaxed dates... Give her love. Love... Tell her you love her, even when she doesn't say it back, even when she doesn't know if she loves you... Because if you do, let her know.. To her future partner... Take care of her, please... Make her happy.. Show her the purest love that I couldn't offer. She deserves the world.. And just know, whoever you are... You are one lucky individual. You're so ******* lucky...

I say I hate my father
I claim I hate every detail about him
But maybe what I hate the most
Is that I still love him
I loved him when his fist hit my head
I'd probably even love him with his gun against my chest.

I went to write a poem to express my emotions towards her. I didn't want it too long. I glanced down at the paper as my hand scratched down a word..

"Until."

And that was it, that was the poem. It was so simple. One word, the beginning of a phrase I said to you as I help you one night.

"I'll love you until eternity itself ceases to exist."

I lie to myself often,
Like saying you'll come visit me,
Or that you'll want me back...
It makes it easier to get through the day.

My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.

When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

The images of you two, you and him, they're ******* vivid,
And I sit in my room livid.
All I want is your love,
but I guess that will be left for me to only dream of.

A glance up,
A man stands within the shadow's drape,
That man, was always there,
And always glanced back.
The man followed,
This man ******* haunted me.
Heart lukewarm,
complimented by blue eyes chilling as ice.
Observing the man,
We spoke during silence,
Throughout the lulls in minds thought.
I noticed the darkness is his aura,
wickedness thriving from him.
From his tainted heart.
As soulless portals otherwise claimed as eyes.
Standing there,
attempting to place a lull in thought,
For the thoughts were all of violence,
The man was in front,
Though hard to make out,
In the shadows drape,
An the lights gleam.
A smile emerged and began to beam,
A smile as warm as a summer street,
a smile so bittersweet,
Though as bare feet walk along the asphalt's turns,
warm turns to pain and burns
Yet filled with remorse,
And observing the smile, the demons evolved to be worse.
The silence grew furious,
The violence grew stronger,
fists clenched,
Thoughts causing a riot.
To **** the beast,
To save other's from his pain,
allow love to flow after he is slain.
A glance into the glass,
And it seems to be,
That the shadows in glass, in the mirror,
Seem to be surrounding me.
A clenched jaw,
And toughest of the hurt,
The hurt caused,
by this wretched shell of a man.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU ******* BEAST"
I hate the man in the mirror to say the least.

Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.

As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

Oh, She changed my world from black and grey, to shades of every hue.
She wrapped her rope around my heart,
I knew it the second I looked in her jade eyes,
She had me hooked from start.

People may say that I'm bad,
maybe it's because I yearn to be your habit,

                                             Because,
                                             ****, how I crave that I could be a cigarette,
                                             Packed full of nicotine,

                                             With each inhale with me against your lips,
                                             Your intoxicating lips
                                             You would slowly grow addicted,


If I'm bad,
than then let it be so,
but if I have to be bad,
let me be your bad habit, baby girl.

4 A.M last night I long for you to be in my arms,
2 P.M last week on Wednesday I wanted your lips against mine,
It's always the same strain of thought going throughout my mind,
No matter what day or time,
You have a tendency to invade every corner in my mind.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

Don't worry about how I'm stubborn,
Forget that I'll argue back,
Tell me my worth,
Tell me everything I can't see.
Tell me..
Tell me..
Please...
Because I'm beginning to think it's just not there any longer.

The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

"What color makes you feel the safest?"
"Green?"
"Why?"
"Because that's the color I see when I look in her eyes."

My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.

Whichever parent told me "sticks and stones will break my bones and words will never hurt me" is ******* misguided.
Because words are one of the most destructive weapons that I've ever faced.
Though do you know why words can be the most painful weapon?
Because words can ease the curiosity that the human mind loves to conjure up.
Words can lift a person up, make them feel ecstatic.
Though on the polar end.
The words a person has one said
Can be the reason an individual wants whiskey in their veins instead of blood cell,
Every **** word,
Can echo in a person head.
Haunting them.
Causing the individual to tear themself apart