I wish for your happiness,
For a smile each day,
For you to find who you are,
And who you want,
For that they won't place limits,
They they treat you like the princess you truly are.
And for you don't live in fear.

These days my lips are pressed against the rim of a shot glass,
and a burning sensation is lingering in my throat...
So that the memories of you aren't pressing in my head,
and a searing fire isn't usurping my heart.

I looked down onto the paper before me.
Adjectives scrawled all across it.
Beast, worthless, idiotic, suicidal, freak, unorganized, unintelligent, try hard, spastic, boring, arrogant, obsessive.
This went on for ages, at least a hundred negative words against myself on it.
I looked down at the paper as a tear rolled down my face. I crossed out the adjectives. I smiled and flipped it over, and on the back I wrote a note.
"There are many things I can be describe as... Though, those are not adjectives I would use... But the best I could say? Healing."
I looked down toward the paper and smiled.

She will always hold a part of his heart,
and that fact tears him apart,
He sees her in everything,
it makes him want to scream,
Agony, Agony, Oh she's gone.

She doesn't just hold a place in his heart,
yet she is seen in all his art.
Nothing takes away the sting,
He wants to wake up from this nightmare, this dream.
Agony, Agony, Oh darkness has won.

I could choose anyone else in this world,
But I chose you.
And I will choose you every time.

My father is the worst human being I've known
                                    In the history
Of my lifespan
                                   He's haunted me
But I have a fear
                               What if he's good and
What if the bad

             Is actually..
                   Me.

July 16, 2013.
I crave that an individual could, and would care for me and love me, just like how I do for them and if it is possible that an individual could do this to such a beast, I just doubt it will ever happen.

July 16, 2014.
I just want to thank you, you always care for me. I have found a required love. You have shown me that I am on fact not a beast, turns out I was wrong. I'm sorry I doubted it. I love you

Why search for people with originality?
Why look for something in a person, when no two could be the same?
People try for normal.
Though in reality there is no such thing as normal.
When no two individuals are alike, how could there be such a thing?
Society tries to create normal.
Though how could they create something that can never exist?

Its something about those eyes of yours,
that just pulls me in..

Its something about the smile of yours,
that makes me smile too.

It something about your voice,
that seems to comfort me.

It's something about your silliness,
that makes me laugh.

It's just everything about you overall,
You never cease to captivate me dear.

I remember this time,
It's like last October.
A burst of happiness,
From performing for a play.
Then contemplating suicide,
On the Tuesday after.

What if,
I get replaced?
or,
What if,
Everything changes,
because of one of my mistakes?
What if,
Something comes along,
and changes it all?
These are everyday questions
But just listen to me for a minute,
for a minute atleast...

You act like your just another diamond in the rough,
just stop waiting to be buffed.
Because see,
Well no your not that little Unbuffed diamond
because I can see your beauty,
your because that shine for all to see
its of great shame that you cant see
but trust me when I say,
it shines so bright,
its such a delight.
A delight to be around you
you have the ability I haven't seen no one else with
the ability to make me smile
a smile most people havent seen in a while
and i notice that im gaining the ability to make you smile,
but the only problem is that when I see that smile..
I think I begin to fall in love.

You never notice how fragile humans really are,
Until the strongest people you know go down,
Lying there inert infront of you in a hospital bed,
Your face red from crying,
The stress finally taking its toll on you.

I've never noticed how east it is to loose someone,
Looking at it all in the light.
I notice it all,
But please dont leave me mum,
Please don't leave me Ariel,
Please.
I need you two more than anything right now.

He felt his grip slipping
He faded away into the sea of thoughts.
He never returned.
I don't know where he is, I haven't seen him since.
I miss him, but I'll never see him again.

Those words you said last night,
Just those three little words,
I figured they aren't how I thought them.
They echo through my mind,
like screams in the night.
Did they mean how I took them,
Is there something you want to say?
You dismissed it so quickly.
Never again do I see us speaking of it in a near day.

I will love every detail of you,
Ranging from scars, your best features,
I will love you on days you talk to me, and days you don't.
I will love you during the times yore weak or strong.
During the times you confide in me or shut me out.
I will love you whether we were hiding a relationship, or open.
I will love you no matter your choices.

Her eyes are like galaxies gorgeous, yet mysteries. They have held secrets that ever since I've laid my eyes on here. I've been intrigued to learn.

Last year, I overheard your conversation, I laughed at the idea.
Fate, how could one believe in such a concept?

Last year, I was in ear shot if her saying to him "I love you". I scoffed at the idea.
Love, a concept, and idea in which we do not actually fall in love with the individual, just the idea of the emotion. I wrote that I would never fall in love, that I was a beast

A year later, glance into her eyes and say "I love you" . I pull her into my arms, and smile.

I sit here and remember back to what my grandmother said "one day, you'll find happiness in the most unexpected way, it will always be there, you will just be too oblivious to notice" id question why and she said it was just fate.

After she passed away I snarled at the two ideals, they seemed about as real as the fairy tales I read. Then you walked into my life, I fell in love, now I question. What about fate? What is mine?

It is a barrier, stopping us from what we wish to come true.
Though isn't fear only way we make it.
I shouldn't have let fear overcome me.
Maybe if I hadn't of let it, I wouldn't be in the mess.

Perfection is an idea that cannot be obtained, for it does not exist.
Yet, flaws and mistakes do.
I have found that the people around me are too busy searching for the right person, rather than attempting to be the right person. People see these flaws, and mistakes, and often of times flee, or being to judge this individual. Though, are you any better? Take in my that you are not perfect, you have flaws also. And in these flaws there is beauty, these flaws allow us to be the individual that is unlike no other on this planet. So, accept them, in yourself, and in others.

The time you have been granted shall pass no matter what
No matter how shall you occupy yor time.
You have the ability of
spend your days simply dreaming of the elements in which you crave to make up your life, or you can chase after your dreams, find your passion, and chase it.
The choice is all yours.

You left and took my happiness with you
For the past few months I've cried myself to sleep
I am constantly questioning everything, why? Just why?
Even in my songs, and my dreams I can only weep
Everything is wrecked, and you just look at it with a sigh
Why did you even choose to say goodbye?
I sit here and wonder whose in you arms now
Hearing the bombs, the words you said erupt like torpedoes ka-pow
Oh how lucky that girl is, how so very lucky they are
I sit here and look at my heart which now deems another among the thousand scars
Seeing all those estatic people passing in those cars
Oh how I wish I could go back to that day that day when you said you loved me, that amazing day
I wish together we could have stayed
But now as we pass I don't even get a wave or a simple hey
Oh how my heart out of beat it pounds
Thus wretched music sounds

16 years ago, you said hello to your little girl, you smiled, you seemed happy to have her in your life.

13 years ago, you began drinking heavier, leaving your little girl all alone to fend for herself. You had a smile which seemed fake, you were giving up.

3 years ago, she saw through your lies, she saw who you truly were, she saw through your facade, she began to lose how

6 months ago, you discovered all your daughter secrets, you threw her down, and said you wished she was dead, at the moment, she wished it too. She knew she was a monster.

Now, he sees that he wasn't the monster, that his father is. He sits talking to his counselor in the DFACS office, discussing his past. He talks about who truly was, and who he thought he was.

And in 3 weeks, the court date finally comes, you'll be forced say goodbye to your son, and he cannot wait.

All my life my favorite color has been red, whenever I bought a shirt I wanted red, same went with toys, even the food I consumed.
Though it is now tied with another color, and that color is green. Green is a color that is comforting to me, it warms my heart, and drives my ambition.
Did I mention green is the color of her eyes?

I say I lost a lover,
When I think of losing you,
But you didn't even know if you "loved me"
I said you were home,
And our love was comfort,
But when you said you didn't know f you even loved me.
A match was held,
And my heart was full of gasoline,
A fire was lit,
And My heart was burnt to a crisp,
Now I sit heartless,
And I don't know what to miss.

Everything lately makes me home sick,
The songs we played,
The places we layed,
The restaurants where we ate,
The locations I took you on our dates,
My shirt your wore,
The school and the halls we walked, where we met at the doors.
You are my home.
I'm so ******* home sick.

I've spent these last few months trying to write a song or a poem about you. They never seem to fit, or flow, and it is rare that I like one. Though I have come to a conclusion as to why I cannot construct a piece for you. Words cannot express the immese feelings I experience when I am in your presence.

I was planning to give you my heart, I trusted you again.
How could I be so dumb, so ignorant?
I should have already known what would have happened.
I was caught up in your lie, and that little disguise.
Do you not know you’re breaking my heart again?!
I still love you, do you not want me to?
You were my first love, the one I wanted to give my all to.
I genuinely forgave you, I nearly ran back into your arms.
You don’t know how much I missed you.
I was a fool, you have left me jaded and torn.
Lying on my bathroom floor, in tears holding back my old habits.
I can’t withstand it any longer, the pain is too immense.
I feel like I’m drifting away, I’m detached from everyone.
You apologized for everything you did, then went and flirted with her.
You called me baby; I miss you calling me that.
I missed everything about you; you’re killing what’s left of my heart.
But don’t worry; no one has to know.
If anyone asks, I’m fine.

"Why does love ****?"

The thing is Love does not ****. Love is the best feeling that someone can experience throughout their life time. You know what *****? Rejection. Rejection in an emotion that will cause an ache in your bones and a sting to your heart. With all that pain, and all of those thoughts that are overwhelming you. Just know, it isn't love, it's pain... It's rejection

"Happy annive..."

I cut off the text, it's been months since we've parted... Why do I still text that?

There's a man I loved, who never loved me back.
                   "You don't need a man to be      happy"
He wasn't just any man, I would have offered him the world. I loved him
                   "Fate didn't want it, you'll find a man to marry"
This man wasn't a lover, he was my father.
                   "It's okay."
How couldn't a father love his own son?
What did I do that was so wrong?

I want to know what your dreams our. What goes through your mind at 4 a.m on the nights you cannot sleep. I want to know what makes you laugh when your sad. I want to know your favorite song and why. I want to know your ticks, your turn ons, your habits. I want to know every guilty pleasure of yours. I want to know your past. I want to know every way to touch you so that you shiver, I want to know how to make you smile. I want to know how to make you laugh.
Overall, I crave you.

But why don't you want me?

Daddy asked the doctor why I wouldn't speak. He asked if I was autistic. He said he didn't want a stupid child, he didn't know I could hear him, this was at three

Daddy always said his little girl would grow up and be happy, four.

Daddy said his little girl would get whatever she needed, five.

Daddy said he had someone over and that I didn't need anything at that moment, to just go to sleep, six.

Daddy and I didn't talk much this year, he was always passed out surrounded by beer cans when I got home from school, seven.

Daddy saw my trophy from performing arts, he threw it at the ground claimed Arts never make it, eight.

Daddy didn't feed me after this year. I began to have to feed myself, I got thinner, and thinner. Operating was hard, especially during the summer. School days were gone, I didn't get school lunch. I fainted often, hypoglycemia is a curse, nine.

Daddy yelled at me in the yard, I began shaking rapidly not knowing why I couldn't control my body. My neighbor called an ambulance to rush me to the hospital. The doctors said it was a seizure, he said I was faking. He yanked the iv out of my skin and made me get into the car, ten.

Dad told me that someone stole my birthday money this year. He grabbed his whiskey bottle and poured another glass and motioned for me to go to my room. I was too young to notice that money was feeding his habit, eleven.

I came home to dad with a trophy from our school play, I won best portrayal. He snatched the trophy, as I was walking away it smashed on the door frame beside me, twelve.

Dad popped the pills for my anxiety, things got worse. It was as if he wasn't there. He tugged on my long sleeve shirt and asked how I could always wear these, that I must always be hot, he had no clue, thirteen.

Dad fell asleep, I took his alcohol and threw it at the side of the house so it would bust. I didn't want another night with this, he saw, the next day I woke up. I was on the floor with a concussion, fourteen.

Father told me I didn't need anything, I was old enough to get a job, I should get one and stop being so whiney, fifteen.

Jason found out his baby girl didn't feel like he was a girl, even though he scolded me for not being a boy when I was younger. The next morning before Class began . I borrowed my friends make-up to cover a bruise. I told her it was only my clumsiness. She bought it. Sixteen.

Jason isn't a part of my life anymore, but he still haunts me to this day.. All the years have done damage. Now a boy sits on the edge of his bed fighting off demons from the insanity which you gave him. No one needs to deal with this at the age of seventeen.

With every word,
Deep inside, my heart,
Is slowly initating to disperse,
My vision of any other is blurred
With every though my feelings
Start to to further immerse
The feelings called love
I can be incoherent
But yet calamitous or commendable
It can be sweet as a pure white dove
Or a painful as a scorching affliction
Though I have not seen the sweetness
The sweetness that is said to be included in love
Only the bitterness

I sat alone, and begin to analyze all that has happened,
I think of what has happened how you have hurt me so,
How I am always disheartened…
Each time I stood back up, you struck me with another blow.
I ask myself now “Why do I even care?!”

I sit alone and think of all the things caused by you
I ponder of how I can escape this prison
I think of the past; oh it is black and blue
I leap up for a new idea has risen…
It’s so simple, so amazingly simple. Just don’t care.

My future seems so care free, happy…
You cannot knock me down anymore, I’m not your puppet
I never noticed how bright it could possibly be..
I guess I just began to misinterpret…
Well, I’m done with you, I’ll move out soon. I don’t care about your opinion, I don’t care

Each individual's eyes have a vocabulary and language unique to its own.
But days passed, weeks, and these weeks grew to months.
Your language was one I spoke fluently, and I mine was the same.
Though as I look in your eyes tonight.
I wonder if you can remember again.

I didn't just lose a lover,
I lost my best friend
And it's so hard to mend a heart,
When you don't know where to start,
This is tearing me apart.
And all I do is try,
But I only get a "K" or "Bye"
And say I don't want you like that anymore,
It's strictly platonic,
But I still fill my blood with tonic,
To keep you off my mind,
And blur out all mankind,

Your replies are so short,
They're leaving me with a lump in my throat,
And I'm left laying in the floor,
And I don't know how to cope.
It's like my hearts on a rope,
But you still have hold,
And you're tugging,
squeezing,
Ripping at my Chest,
All while you whisper to me "I only want what's best".

When he taught me how to dance,
It was never for any solo dancing,
So without a partner,
Fearful to dance by myself, scared of critics.

When she taught me how to love,
I was told often times it would be solo,
So I was left searching for a partner,
Fearful to never find love, scared of living alone.

Though, when I taught myself,
I told myself it was okay to be alone,
So searching for myself,
I said, eventually the time will come.

A persistent feeling eats at my insides,
It is one that has overgrown,
It makes my stomach churn,
My thoughts burn..
Thought that doesn't even begin to describe,
How loneliness can begin it eat a person alive.

Please tell me where you are?
                         You're sitting right
                         beside me but, it's as if
                         You are galaxies away
                         From me.
Where are you?
                         I see you smile though I
                         Know it's no longer
                         Because of me.
Why did you leave?
                         Please come back.

I say I’m fine, I say it with a straight face, even a laugh after words.
Though inside my mind, is chaos.
My heart and Brain are fighting; for once the opposites.
My heart screams no; I am to damaged.
Though my mind is being illogical, and says take a chance.
I say I’m fine but at times I just want someone to pull me in close and say. “I know you’re not, but I’m here for you”.
My heart is damaged and charred to ash from all the endured pain.
Sometimes when people ask me if I’m okay, or to smile.
I just want to break down in their arms.

I hold out my hand and smile as the music plays.
Forgive me when I get off beat during our dance, for once it's not because I don't have my hearing aid, or that I'm clueless. It's that I can't hear the music over my heartbeat. For when I am with you, my heart beats louder than any drums I've ever played or heard.

You act as if you're so high and mighty. You're on top of the world, yet whenever you do something wrong your excuse is "I'm a Christian". I think you should know, your beliefs don't make you a good person, your behavior does. Don't hate me because I'm a different type of sin.

To kiss under the mistletoe,
Though I sit here alone and watch couples go to and fro.
I examine them and their smile,
I'm curious if I'll get that in awhile.
I have someone to kiss, yet I'm still alone.
I look down and let out a silent groan.
It seems as if it will forever be a wish,
For I don't even have an opportunity to miss.

This feelings won't subside,
I've had it even since I read your reply.

You fear this..
That I may leave,
Though I don't see it happening...
I could leave,
I don't withstand the will power though.

I dreamt of you last night,
The images still dancing through my mind.
Somehow you have invaded my dreams,
It showed me what could happen between us.
That is if you did choose me.

The words of your reply still echo through my mind,
"I will fight forever, keep you happy".
Let me give you an example,
the other day.. the prank you played on me
I couldn't focus on what was happening

all because you had wrap you arms around me
I cover my face to hide my smile, the fact that I was blushing...
Your presence brings immense joy,
and I wish that mine does for you,
I apologize my thoughts are scattered i'm being bashful again