"Trans kids don't have it any worse, it's no harder than what normal people through."

You're right, we have it just like you... Though let me give you and insight of my week

It's not any harder but, when I go to give a compliment to a lass, 9 times out of 10 she will turn to my friend and say, "what's their gender?"

It's not hard  but, when I'm in public, I can't go to the bathroom unless there is a unisex bathroom. Because my family is scared I will get beaten no matter which restroom I chose.

It's not hard but, I am required in certain school functions to have the school force me in a dress, because that's what society believes is correct.

Is not hard but, when my girlfriend takes me home to her parents... I have to pray that they don't take one look at me, and disapprove of our relationship, because I'm a "real guy".

It's not hard but, after mix up with pronouns people will call me an it. Just the desk that I'm using to bear down to write this poem on. It's inanimate, it has no feelings, right?

It's not any harder but, I keep the question "are you sure you're not jus gay?" From random people I don't even know

It's not hard but I, have to hope that class peer I'm paired up with doesn't look down upon people of my community so I don't get death threats.

It's not hard but, I cannot go a day without the coach of my team preaching to my teammates to stop encouraging my immature behavior, that I'm just a female and that's all I'll ever be. To stop using my pronouns.  

It's not hard but, my foster family tried to convert me to the "correct way of life"

It's not hard but, my father abused me for coming out to him.

I say I’m fine, I say it with a straight face, even a laugh after words.
Though inside my mind, is chaos.
My heart and Brain are fighting; for once the opposites.
My heart screams no; I am to damaged.
Though my mind is being illogical, and says take a chance.
I say I’m fine but at times I just want someone to pull me in close and say. “I know you’re not, but I’m here for you”.
My heart is damaged and charred to ash from all the endured pain.
Sometimes when people ask me if I’m okay, or to smile.
I just want to break down in their arms.

Those words you said last night,
Just those three little words,
I figured they aren't how I thought them.
They echo through my mind,
like screams in the night.
Did they mean how I took them,
Is there something you want to say?
You dismissed it so quickly.
Never again do I see us speaking of it in a near day.

Daddy asked the doctor why I wouldn't speak. He asked if I was autistic. He said he didn't want a stupid child, he didn't know I could hear him, this was at three

Daddy always said his little girl would grow up and be happy, four.

Daddy said his little girl would get whatever she needed, five.

Daddy said he had someone over and that I didn't need anything at that moment, to just go to sleep, six.

Daddy and I didn't talk much this year, he was always passed out surrounded by beer cans when I got home from school, seven.

Daddy saw my trophy from performing arts, he threw it at the ground claimed Arts never make it, eight.

Daddy didn't feed me after this year. I began to have to feed myself, I got thinner, and thinner. Operating was hard, especially during the summer. School days were gone, I didn't get school lunch. I fainted often, hypoglycemia is a curse, nine.

Daddy yelled at me in the yard, I began shaking rapidly not knowing why I couldn't control my body. My neighbor called an ambulance to rush me to the hospital. The doctors said it was a seizure, he said I was faking. He yanked the iv out of my skin and made me get into the car, ten.

Dad told me that someone stole my birthday money this year. He grabbed his whiskey bottle and poured another glass and motioned for me to go to my room. I was too young to notice that money was feeding his habit, eleven.

I came home to dad with a trophy from our school play, I won best portrayal. He snatched the trophy, as I was walking away it smashed on the door frame beside me, twelve.

Dad popped the pills for my anxiety, things got worse. It was as if he wasn't there. He tugged on my long sleeve shirt and asked how I could always wear these, that I must always be hot, he had no clue, thirteen.

Dad fell asleep, I took his alcohol and threw it at the side of the house so it would bust. I didn't want another night with this, he saw, the next day I woke up. I was on the floor with a concussion, fourteen.

Father told me I didn't need anything, I was old enough to get a job, I should get one and stop being so whiney, fifteen.

Jason found out his baby girl didn't feel like he was a girl, even though he scolded me for not being a boy when I was younger. The next morning before Class began . I borrowed my friends make-up to cover a bruise. I told her it was only my clumsiness. She bought it. Sixteen.

Jason isn't a part of my life anymore, but he still haunts me to this day.. All the years have done damage. Now a boy sits on the edge of his bed fighting off demons from the insanity which you gave him. No one needs to deal with this at the age of seventeen.

"I don't know if I loved you"

Those words echo throughout my heart, crushing it.

Why couldn't you...?

My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.

You left and took my happiness with you
For the past few months I've cried myself to sleep
I am constantly questioning everything, why? Just why?
Even in my songs, and my dreams I can only weep
Everything is wrecked, and you just look at it with a sigh
Why did you even choose to say goodbye?
I sit here and wonder whose in you arms now
Hearing the bombs, the words you said erupt like torpedoes ka-pow
Oh how lucky that girl is, how so very lucky they are
I sit here and look at my heart which now deems another among the thousand scars
Seeing all those estatic people passing in those cars
Oh how I wish I could go back to that day that day when you said you loved me, that amazing day
I wish together we could have stayed
But now as we pass I don't even get a wave or a simple hey
Oh how my heart out of beat it pounds
Thus wretched music sounds

I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.

I recalled a time when I was referred to as the sun,
though maybe I wasn't.
Maybe I was the moon,
Simply just a gray reflection of what I wanted to be.

I didn't just lose a lover,
I lost my best friend
And it's so hard to mend a heart,
When you don't know where to start,
This is tearing me apart.
And all I do is try,
But I only get a "K" or "Bye"
And say I don't want you like that anymore,
It's strictly platonic,
But I still fill my blood with tonic,
To keep you off my mind,
And blur out all mankind,

Your replies are so short,
They're leaving me with a lump in my throat,
And I'm left laying in the floor,
And I don't know how to cope.
It's like my hearts on a rope,
But you still have hold,
And you're tugging,
squeezing,
Ripping at my Chest,
All while you whisper to me "I only want what's best".

A lad sits on top of his bed,
Looking at the empty picture frame.
There once of a photo of the lass he loves, but when they parted, so did the photo from the frame.
Just as the photo is vacant. So is the place in her heart, vacant...
Yet ready to be filled by the place of a lucky lad.
Though the same photo will probably be placed back into the frame,
Chances are, the vacancy in her heart, will be filled by the luckiest lad in the world.

I remember when Id kiss you suddenly and you'd inhale air,
I remember holding you some nights you'd fight to stay away but lull asleep in my arms,
I remember our first kiss and the spark ignited with it,
I remember every song you've sung to me, and your lovely voice.
I remember you holding me after a seizure,
I remember everything..
And lately you're in every corner of my mind

A glance up,
A man stands within the shadow's drape,
That man, was always there,
And always glanced back.
The man followed,
This man ******* haunted me.
Heart lukewarm,
complimented by blue eyes chilling as ice.
Observing the man,
We spoke during silence,
Throughout the lulls in minds thought.
I noticed the darkness is his aura,
wickedness thriving from him.
From his tainted heart.
As soulless portals otherwise claimed as eyes.
Standing there,
attempting to place a lull in thought,
For the thoughts were all of violence,
The man was in front,
Though hard to make out,
In the shadows drape,
An the lights gleam.
A smile emerged and began to beam,
A smile as warm as a summer street,
a smile so bittersweet,
Though as bare feet walk along the asphalt's turns,
warm turns to pain and burns
Yet filled with remorse,
And observing the smile, the demons evolved to be worse.
The silence grew furious,
The violence grew stronger,
fists clenched,
Thoughts causing a riot.
To **** the beast,
To save other's from his pain,
allow love to flow after he is slain.
A glance into the glass,
And it seems to be,
That the shadows in glass, in the mirror,
Seem to be surrounding me.
A clenched jaw,
And toughest of the hurt,
The hurt caused,
by this wretched shell of a man.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU ******* BEAST"
I hate the man in the mirror to say the least.

I have a hopeless crush on someone I have no chance with.
I tell myself to stop, it's stupid to even think of being with them.
They do not want me, I doubt they ever had.
They want them, they have them.
Why would I even conjure up an idea so improbable.

I fool myself for a little while, that is in the absence of your presence.
You talk to me again, whether text or person.
I find myself rambling again, crushing again.
I cannot help myself.
I know I have no chance, but I can try right?

I can try to make you the happiest you have been in a while
I can try to make you smile.
I can try to make you laugh.
I can try to show you my feelings.
I can try to make you mine.
I can and will

I broke a vase when I was younger,
I broke into multiple chunks,
All Big, it was easy to glue,
To hide from my mother.
Now,
I sit with a shattered heart,
With thousands of tiny shards,
It's been an eternity,
And I still don't have it complete.

The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

Our hands touched and I was breathless.
I thought my feelings could be suppressed.
Though, I thought wrong I glanced into your eyes.
And then again I am paralyzed.
You lean into give me a kiss.
This shouldn't happen, it won't happen, something's amiss.
Then my alarm began to sound.
Then the kiss amiss, the problem, I  found.

Good morning my dear, I'll see you tonight in my dreams.

Often people say luck is passing a test you never studied for, luck is losing something and finding it right before you need it, luck is finding a penny head up, or luck is getting something you never thought you would.

But the biggest stroke of luck a person can ever have, is to love and individual, and that have that love returned.

I was asked how did I know my love was dead.
All i could simply conjure up, was that i was more in love with the memories in my head.
When you love the thoughts, more than him.
In that moment, I realized, my love for him was now a pseudonym.

Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.

I claim to be a poet,
Yet I constantly stumble over, and stop and rethink my sentences.
At the end of my notes I have gotten into the habit of ending it with "I'm sorry, I've never been good with words".
Maybe I'm not a poet,
What poet isn't good with words?

He sits against the tree,
Pondering of all this to be,
And what had been,
Especially his mistakes,
He's got his old lyric book on one side him,
And his guitar on the other.

He tries to write,
He tries and tries and tries,
But all that comes to mind is her,
He's got a lyric phrase on his paper beside him,
And a guitar in his lap.

He's got a head full old bad mistakes,
And a heart full of hurt from the pain he caused her,
Tears burning his eyes,
A full page of song lyrics in the tattered book beside him,
And a guitar neck in his hand's cold grasp

He's got a lump in his throat,
Remorse in his heart,
Tear Smudged, scribbled lyrics written in pencil...
And a guitar imitating the sounds dreadful frets in between his fingertips

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but know you were immensely unlikely to achieve it?
Some wish fame.
Some wish wealth.
Some wish talent.
I wish happiness.
All seem uncanny when you think about them.

Tick
        Tock
Tick
        Tock
Tick...
Oh, how agonizing and stressful the clicks of a clock are.
Tick
       Tock
Tick
       Tock...
And oh, how the the conversation in the room around me are taxing.
Tick
      Tock
Tick...
The Smiles, the laughter
Tick
       Tock...
You tell me to wait, that everything will work out, there's nothing to blame.
Tick...
But baby, patience is a virtue I've never been able to claim.
Tock.

Put me on display,
Like I'm a work of Art in a museum.
I want criticism,
I want to know what to be,
so I can be good enough.

I promised my grandmother, Id never be in a jail.
Along with another promise, that I would I always be true to myself.
But today I broke her promise.
I stood under the light, trying to gasp for air,
A jail is so uncomfortable, so unfair.
Sitting there, having society make you "correct",
Having society reform you to be who you "should" be,
Telling you how you "should" do.
I sat in misery,
In agony.
I wasn't true to myself tonight,
I'm sorry Mimi
Though I hadnt choice,
I had no voice.
I stood there holding back tears,
Holding back the person I had worked to be all the years
Standing, engulfed by the walls of my cell,
But, the cell was not a room,
I was not enclosed by brick walls,
Or metal bars.
Yet, black fabric, and careful stitches which made up the dress.

It is a barrier, stopping us from what we wish to come true.
Though isn't fear only way we make it.
I shouldn't have let fear overcome me.
Maybe if I hadn't of let it, I wouldn't be in the mess.

16 years ago, you said hello to your little girl, you smiled, you seemed happy to have her in your life.

13 years ago, you began drinking heavier, leaving your little girl all alone to fend for herself. You had a smile which seemed fake, you were giving up.

3 years ago, she saw through your lies, she saw who you truly were, she saw through your facade, she began to lose how

6 months ago, you discovered all your daughter secrets, you threw her down, and said you wished she was dead, at the moment, she wished it too. She knew she was a monster.

Now, he sees that he wasn't the monster, that his father is. He sits talking to his counselor in the DFACS office, discussing his past. He talks about who truly was, and who he thought he was.

And in 3 weeks, the court date finally comes, you'll be forced say goodbye to your son, and he cannot wait.

You know..
You know..
You...
You don't,
You know nothing about me anymore.
You lost that when we met,
As did I..
Though you don't know me,
My dreams,
My craving,
Not even my middle name
We are just strangers with fond memories,
And what a ******* shame that is to me.

There's a man I loved, who never loved me back.
                   "You don't need a man to be      happy"
He wasn't just any man, I would have offered him the world. I loved him
                   "Fate didn't want it, you'll find a man to marry"
This man wasn't a lover, he was my father.
                   "It's okay."
How couldn't a father love his own son?
What did I do that was so wrong?

I haven't broken in months,
and the only thing I want worse than shattered knuckles and a ****** fist,
Is your lips against mine,
Though,
I'll act as if everything is swell,
I'll say everything is fine.
But I know that we can't, that we won't be.
and I know the fact but I can't not dwell.

She told him not to kiss her goodbye,
Because kissing goodbye means leaving,
Though now he glances at the photo frame,
And remembers how he never got a goodbye kiss..
He snatches the frame off the desk and looks down.
It holds a picture of her and him,
A picture with a fond stranger.

The fact that death lurks after me frightens me.
I never noticed how easy it is to halt a pulse, how easy it is for a heart to stop.
Maybe I'm not even scared of death.
Maybe I'm scared of not living a memorable life.

When I saw your smile,
It sparked a light off inside me,
And with the light, flowers sprouted,
And a garden grew...
But now your gone,
And the light dimmed to a flicker,
But the flicker caught a tree,
And set a fire.
The flowers are gone,
and land is surrounded by ash and soot.
And a few ******* words was all it took.

Don't worry about how I'm stubborn,
Forget that I'll argue back,
Tell me my worth,
Tell me everything I can't see.
Tell me..
Tell me..
Please...
Because I'm beginning to think it's just not there any longer.

I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.

My father is the worst human being I've known
                                    In the history
Of my lifespan
                                   He's haunted me
But I have a fear
                               What if he's good and
What if the bad

             Is actually..
                   Me.

Love is not planned,
Not expected.
Love is often unexpected,
Love is never logical,
Love is letting go of logic and following your gut,
Love has mistakes,
Love is worth it,
Love is losses,
Love is unconditional

I want to know what your dreams our. What goes through your mind at 4 a.m on the nights you cannot sleep. I want to know what makes you laugh when your sad. I want to know your favorite song and why. I want to know your ticks, your turn ons, your habits. I want to know every guilty pleasure of yours. I want to know your past. I want to know every way to touch you so that you shiver, I want to know how to make you smile. I want to know how to make you laugh.
Overall, I crave you.

But why don't you want me?

I know, you don't feel for me the way i do.
I know, you and me will never be more that friends.
I know, That you wouldn't want someone like me.
You know, I have feelings for you,
You know, I wish  to call you mine.
You know, how you feel for me. (I Wish I knew..)
Yet I am still stuck here.

You don't know, how happy I am when I see you.
You don't know that I stay up often thinking about you.
And You don't know half the things i wish to say, for I delete the message every time.
Yet I am still stuck here...

I know, that you don't wish for a relationship.
I know, you're afraid of hurting me, or that I would leave.
And I know, that I shouldn't still feel this way.
Yet I am still stuck here...

Each individual's eyes have a vocabulary and language unique to its own.
But days passed, weeks, and these weeks grew to months.
Your language was one I spoke fluently, and I mine was the same.
Though as I look in your eyes tonight.
I wonder if you can remember again.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

"Find an anchor"
Because anchors hold you down,
And keep you from floating out to sea,
I once thought it was love,
Though that was silly of me,
Because love is pretentious,
And is no longer a part of me.
Love is dead,
And the only thing that anchors me down,
Are the thoughts in my head.

I remember hearing the sound of heels,
clicking behind me,
I recall how it made me feel,
I thought when I turned around Id see the most gorgeous lass,
And I was right,
I saw you.

I sit and strum a chord,
though mess up on the tab because I zone out,
these thoughts shouldn't be here,
and are obviously off the board.
and that is without a doubt
but these lingering thoughts,
are of you, my dear.
I can't get them to go away,
lately they've stayed growing stronger with each passing day