I looked down onto the paper before me.
Adjectives scrawled all across it.
Beast, worthless, idiotic, suicidal, freak, unorganized, unintelligent, try hard, spastic, boring, arrogant, obsessive.
This went on for ages, at least a hundred negative words against myself on it.
I looked down at the paper as a tear rolled down my face. I crossed out the adjectives. I smiled and flipped it over, and on the back I wrote a note.
"There are many things I can be describe as... Though, those are not adjectives I would use... But the best I could say? Healing."
I looked down toward the paper and smiled.

I don't care who the **** is out there!
No one else is like her..
Her smile is brighter than the Galaxy,
And a fire inside rages when she looks at me,
And I've tried to get over her,
But no lass has come to close the getting the emptions that brew,
But maybe that's why the say she's blue...
Because blue means sadness, and a sadness drowns me,
when I realize she doesn't want me.
What's a lad to do...

She will always hold a part of his heart,
and that fact tears him apart,
He sees her in everything,
it makes him want to scream,
Agony, Agony, Oh she's gone.

She doesn't just hold a place in his heart,
yet she is seen in all his art.
Nothing takes away the sting,
He wants to wake up from this nightmare, this dream.
Agony, Agony, Oh darkness has won.

What if,
I get replaced?
or,
What if,
Everything changes,
because of one of my mistakes?
What if,
Something comes along,
and changes it all?
These are everyday questions
But just listen to me for a minute,
for a minute atleast...

You act like your just another diamond in the rough,
just stop waiting to be buffed.
Because see,
Well no your not that little Unbuffed diamond
because I can see your beauty,
your because that shine for all to see
its of great shame that you cant see
but trust me when I say,
it shines so bright,
its such a delight.
A delight to be around you
you have the ability I haven't seen no one else with
the ability to make me smile
a smile most people havent seen in a while
and i notice that im gaining the ability to make you smile,
but the only problem is that when I see that smile..
I think I begin to fall in love.

Perfection is an idea that cannot be obtained, for it does not exist.
Yet, flaws and mistakes do.
I have found that the people around me are too busy searching for the right person, rather than attempting to be the right person. People see these flaws, and mistakes, and often of times flee, or being to judge this individual. Though, are you any better? Take in my that you are not perfect, you have flaws also. And in these flaws there is beauty, these flaws allow us to be the individual that is unlike no other on this planet. So, accept them, in yourself, and in others.

Locked in a cold, prison they call the hospital.
The drapes of death creeping between the rooms.
The shaking, the crying, the immense pain.
No one to hold me, no one to protect me.
The fears the phobias of this life overtake me.
For if I close my eyes for just one second, I just might leave this world.

To kiss under the mistletoe,
Though I sit here alone and watch couples go to and fro.
I examine them and their smile,
I'm curious if I'll get that in awhile.
I have someone to kiss, yet I'm still alone.
I look down and let out a silent groan.
It seems as if it will forever be a wish,
For I don't even have an opportunity to miss.

When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

Its something about those eyes of yours,
that just pulls me in..

Its something about the smile of yours,
that makes me smile too.

It something about your voice,
that seems to comfort me.

It's something about your silliness,
that makes me laugh.

It's just everything about you overall,
You never cease to captivate me dear.

To the one who dates her next..
She has rough nights, and whether she tells you to sleep or not.. Please stay up with her... Just in case she needs you. But... She’s miss independent she will rarely ever ask for help, still reassure her you’re always there, and make sure you are always there. Whether she calls on you or not, but don't get mad if she doesn't... That's just her. She has her moments when insecurities break through, she will tell you to run, or as will begin to speak negativity of herself... it breaks my heart, throughout the years I've known her.. She's always been her worst critic. She may try to push you away, don't be offended.. She just doesn't like having people too close, but even with her protesting. You stay there and support her, even if she doesn't let you in at that moment.. If she gets excited about something, don't claim it is silly and push it off... It brings her joy, ask her by or what it is. Kiss her, even when she's sick... And sing with her, even if you're sick, or just can't sing.... Sing with her it will make her smile.  If she wants to watch a movie, hold her close and cuddle with her during the movie, even if it's a kids movies, you watch it with her. She's never really been to fond at video games, so if she says no.. Don't be mad. Always listen to what she has to say, let her know how appealing her mind is.. And just know. Her mind is so intriguing. Of she goes off on tangents or begins to talk, listen, and let her.. Often she talks about why she finds interesting or it's something she cares about. When it comes to studying she won’t always replay, though sometimes when she is procrastinating you will. If she texts you one time, and then next time doesn't don't take it personally.  She’s just busy with school work, she's dedicated to her college, to her dream.. She wasn't comfortable with her body when we were together, so when you're together, she may want the lights off... Say yes, make sure she's comfortable, ALWAYS make sure she's comfortable.  Oh, sometimes, rarely, she will grow jealous... Those lovely green eyes will show it.. Her eyes are a key, eyes show it all... Reassure her that you love her too. On that note, make sure she knows that you love her, even with her flaws... and on her bad nights. If you can’t, leave. There will be nights she craves to drink.. She never really drinks much.. Mayr a shot... But if she happens to intake too much, Make sure she gets plenty of water and Advil. Be sure she drinks all the water or so she won't as miserable in the morning. Remember the date you asked her to be yours, that's an important date, you should see it that way because she gave you the joy of being together, even if you think it's silly... Tell her happy anniversary. Remember how she likes her coffee and just how sweet she likes it. Attempt to remember all the little details she lets you know, because they make up her... They make her the lovely lass she is. So if she mentions her favorite flower is the one you just drove by? Document that it is a Tiger Lily, or why her favorite song lyric pulls at her heart.. Speaking of what makes her who she is... Ask about her childhood, her memories... They molded her to who she is, ask about her background even if she tells you a story you think is boring, you cherish it, because It is a piece of her... When she’s having an anxiety attack wrap her up in your arms, and just ask her if she wants to talk.. Even if she doesn't want to talk about the cause of the attack.. Talk about anything, whatever her heart desires. If you can’t treat her like royalty, let someone else... She isn't a princess... She's a queen. She deserves the world, and you need to give that to her.. Losing her is a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down and it's hard to move on... But if it comes to a point where she is happier with someone else, you let her go... I'm not saying don't fight for her, but if you sand in the way if her happiness, step aside. Because her happiness means an immense amount... Give her everything, give her smiles, funny jokes, adventures, give her gifts even though she protests, give her fun dates, relaxed dates... Give her love. Love... Tell her you love her, even when she doesn't say it back, even when she doesn't know if she loves you... Because if you do, let her know.. To her future partner... Take care of her, please... Make her happy.. Show her the purest love that I couldn't offer. She deserves the world.. And just know, whoever you are... You are one lucky individual. You're so ******* lucky...

She said she loved his long hair,
That's why when he went to the hairdresser he got his hair buzzed.

Oh, She changed my world from black and grey, to shades of every hue.
She wrapped her rope around my heart,
I knew it the second I looked in her jade eyes,
She had me hooked from start.

I
           Have never really understood how human emotions, the human brain, the human heart, and the chemical imbalances in our bodies work. I didn't understand it as a kid, and to this day, I still don't, it

Wasn't
           Logical to me, how one day someone could mean the world to you, and the next day they've thrown you to the curb, and I'm just


Supposed
            To know how to fix everything, how to become the perfect human being. How to fit into there perfect little vision of how they imagine, how they dream you

To
            Be, when in reality... I'm  trying to alter myself for that one person. Trying to impress that one person so they don't think that I'm a failure. I find myself constantly fixing myself to their perfect illusion so I don't fail them, so they don't

Fall
           Out of love with me, I never notice how they were changing me. That they were changing multiple aspects about me. Yet, I noticed how I still didn't seem to fit

In
         That silly little illusion that their mind had sculpted of me. I then began to get aggravated and question what love is, what is it!? What is

Love
         I spent days, week, months, aggravated, ripping up notes I had written, pictures I had taken, turning over tables, so frustrated as to why any of the individual id fancied in my life couldn't fall in love

With
          Me, what was wrong with me? Why could I be loved. I spent hours trying to find this answer. I never seemed to find it, until someone came into my life,

You
            It was you who showed me I could indeed be loved, even with every dark side that is stitched into my chemical make up. I still ponder as to how someone as lovely as you could fall in love with me. Though, I won't doubt it. Like I said, you're different from the others in my life.

Ghosts exist,
The ghosts of our mistakes,
They wander in our hearts,
And break us,
Piece
By piece,
Until we've been torn into shreds,
And completely fallen apart.

Spirits exist,
The spirits of who we break,
They tear us apart,
And shatter us,
Shard
By Shard
Until they dictate our heads.
And drop anchor in our heart.

Message one: You're captivating, being in your embrace causes my heart to speed up and for my stomach to fill with butterflies, I don't think you would want me... though maybe there's a chance Erases
Message two: Hey I really wish you could be mine Erases
Message three: Hey, I really like you Erases
Message four: Hey Dear. (: Sends

I.. never figured I would develop feelings for you,
Still... I wish to hold you,
Like... It is hard to explain,
You ... are unlike any other I have wanted.

I'm skidish,
I didn't want to mess up our friendship,
but everyday...
I thought what if's and hows..

But... I didn't speak up
My mind said "No, you know what will happen"
Though my heart said "Yes! Oh, yes!"
I thought being rational and trying to push it away.. would work

And now you're their's,
Believe me Dear, When I say I'm happy for you.
I'm glad that they make you happy,
But inside, I'm wishing it was me.

This feelings won't subside,
I've had it even since I read your reply.

You fear this..
That I may leave,
Though I don't see it happening...
I could leave,
I don't withstand the will power though.

I dreamt of you last night,
The images still dancing through my mind.
Somehow you have invaded my dreams,
It showed me what could happen between us.
That is if you did choose me.

The words of your reply still echo through my mind,
"I will fight forever, keep you happy".
Let me give you an example,
the other day.. the prank you played on me
I couldn't focus on what was happening

all because you had wrap you arms around me
I cover my face to hide my smile, the fact that I was blushing...
Your presence brings immense joy,
and I wish that mine does for you,
I apologize my thoughts are scattered i'm being bashful again

I glance around through my eyes, they won’t open; they’re afraid to see the damage.
I see everything through the little vision I have…
I see the blood; I hear the noises initiating pain, the tire marks from trying to avoid the collision, and the paramedics trying to keep me awake.
I can’t speak the pain in my chest won’t allow it, I can only watch it all blur as the tears fill my eyes.
I can’t feel most of my body, I can only feel the pain coursing through my veins, I see the chaos.
I look over to the person in the gurney next to me, I see the immense change I’ve caused them.
I close my eyes and hope to fade away from this entire scene.
This is the monstrous wreck.

I glance around everything surrounding me, I don’t want to see what is forming.
I open my eyes, and cover my eyes with my hands staring through the cracks
I see the bloodshed, I hear my cries, I analyze every mistake I’ve made the caused this, and the few people reaching out wanting to help me…
I can’t say what is needed; fear withholds me; I can only watch it as I fall to my knees again
I can’t feel my connecting to the world; I can only feeling the pain eating away at me, watch the mess I have become.
I look over to the mirror and look for the girl I used to be, I see the transformation I’ve with gone.
I shut my eyes each night and hope to dissolve away from what I have become.
This is the monstrous me.

I remember this time,
It's like last October.
A burst of happiness,
From performing for a play.
Then contemplating suicide,
On the Tuesday after.

I could choose anyone else in this world,
But I chose you.
And I will choose you every time.

I look out the window as we drive along,
My thoughts drift to you, and only you.
To the feelings that clash inside over you.
Like how...
I love everything about you.
I love those hazel eyes that glance back at me.
I love those hands that push me playfully.
I love those lips that grin back at me.
I love that personality that keeps me in awe

I loathe everything about you.
I loathe those eyes that glare intensely back.
I loathe those hands that hold another.
I loathe those lips that tempt me for just a kiss.
I loathe that personality that urges me to fall

I say I lost a lover,
When I think of losing you,
But you didn't even know if you "loved me"
I said you were home,
And our love was comfort,
But when you said you didn't know f you even loved me.
A match was held,
And my heart was full of gasoline,
A fire was lit,
And My heart was burnt to a crisp,
Now I sit heartless,
And I don't know what to miss.

I sit here and daydream, and realize their presence is nicotine.
Their hazel eyes act as a tranquilizer,
And i'm pretty sure their smile couldn't get any brighter.
I **** their touch,
I tend to crave it a little too much.

You just left... (I miss you cuddling up to me for warmth already)
Its strange. (I don't know how to explain)
I’m pretty sure I still love you. (and I don’t know what to do.)
I don’t see us being together. (though that’s what I want.)
I love being in your presence. ( I wish we hung out more.)
Though maybe we will. (I can only hope.)
You’re so goofy, so handsome, so happy, so crazy (there’s a list I could draw out but that would be to long to write.. )
But I’m kinda shy, and probably won’t say my feelings (I don’t want to mess this up again)
You always drop things you are going to say. (It makes me wonder, do they have to do with me?)
Just tell me. (I’ll tell you too)

As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves

The more we talk, I wonder how you feel for me.
The more we talk, I wonder how this will all play out.
The more we talk, I wonder if you will ever sit in my arms

The more we talk, I feel the electricity courses through my veins.
The more we talk, I feel the words beating at my blockades.
The more we talk, I feel the need to express my feelings.

The more we talk, it tends to appear that my laugh emanates often.
The more we talk, it tends to appear that my smiles appear often.
The more we talk, it tends to appear that my face tends to become beet red.

The more we talk, the stronger my feelings evolves.
The more we talk, the stronger my happiness evolves.
The more we talk, the stronger my fear of loosing you evolves.

My grandmother always told me to protect love, to chase it.

My grandfather told me to stay away from love, that it never ends well.

As I lay up at 4:44 a.m I don't know who was right.
I cherish the past.
But the present stings.

You never notice how fragile humans really are,
Until the strongest people you know go down,
Lying there inert infront of you in a hospital bed,
Your face red from crying,
The stress finally taking its toll on you.

I've never noticed how east it is to loose someone,
Looking at it all in the light.
I notice it all,
But please dont leave me mum,
Please don't leave me Ariel,
Please.
I need you two more than anything right now.

I just want to say thank you.. to everyone in my life..
I was asked today why I am so thankful.
I know my life is not the best, and at times it gets rough.
It could be worse though, I shouldn't dwell on the bad today.
I have some people in my life that care, and that enough.

These days my lips are pressed against the rim of a shot glass,
and a burning sensation is lingering in my throat...
So that the memories of you aren't pressing in my head,
and a searing fire isn't usurping my heart.

I would have taken a thousand beatings,
A bullet,
Death threats,
Redo schooling all again,
Give up acting ability,
Traveled the world...
I would have done anything that you named..
Just to be with you again.

I sat alone, and begin to analyze all that has happened,
I think of what has happened how you have hurt me so,
How I am always disheartened…
Each time I stood back up, you struck me with another blow.
I ask myself now “Why do I even care?!”

I sit alone and think of all the things caused by you
I ponder of how I can escape this prison
I think of the past; oh it is black and blue
I leap up for a new idea has risen…
It’s so simple, so amazingly simple. Just don’t care.

My future seems so care free, happy…
You cannot knock me down anymore, I’m not your puppet
I never noticed how bright it could possibly be..
I guess I just began to misinterpret…
Well, I’m done with you, I’ll move out soon. I don’t care about your opinion, I don’t care

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

I was planning to give you my heart, I trusted you again.
How could I be so dumb, so ignorant?
I should have already known what would have happened.
I was caught up in your lie, and that little disguise.
Do you not know you’re breaking my heart again?!
I still love you, do you not want me to?
You were my first love, the one I wanted to give my all to.
I genuinely forgave you, I nearly ran back into your arms.
You don’t know how much I missed you.
I was a fool, you have left me jaded and torn.
Lying on my bathroom floor, in tears holding back my old habits.
I can’t withstand it any longer, the pain is too immense.
I feel like I’m drifting away, I’m detached from everyone.
You apologized for everything you did, then went and flirted with her.
You called me baby; I miss you calling me that.
I missed everything about you; you’re killing what’s left of my heart.
But don’t worry; no one has to know.
If anyone asks, I’m fine.

What is your goal, your dream?
Is it to be with him or her?
Is it to have a certain job?
Is it to own a certain item?
Is it to pertain a certain position?

Well you know what, advice I have for you?
Don't just sit at home and talk about yours goals, and your dreams.
Chase them!
Don't sit in some fantasy world where everything is perfect,
Walk out into the concrete jungle and mold the life you wish the obtain.
Don't let other discourage.
Don't let others cause you the feeling of aching to give up!
There are billions of people on this earth,
and you are going to let a couple alter your mind set?

Go out into that concrete jungle,
Don't just dream your life, live it.
Because before you know it,
You will regret not taking that chance...

One of the most heart wrenching things..
Is how immensly I love(d) you,
But how unsure you were if you loved me..
And how now, we are light years away,
As if we are strangers,
Strangers with the most heartfelt memories and secrets.

The memories could've been amazing,
But you're just ******* coward.

Running, throughout my life I always loved to run.
When I was little and they told us we were running in gym I was always so happy.
I was always one of the fastest, it always made me happy.
I still love running,
But now it's a different person.
When I run, it isn't for fitness or joy..
Because I'm so numb, I'm just happy to feel the exhaustion, the pain.
Because for once. I can feel again

People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.

With every word,
Deep inside, my heart,
Is slowly initating to disperse,
My vision of any other is blurred
With every though my feelings
Start to to further immerse
The feelings called love
I can be incoherent
But yet calamitous or commendable
It can be sweet as a pure white dove
Or a painful as a scorching affliction
Though I have not seen the sweetness
The sweetness that is said to be included in love
Only the bitterness

People may say that I'm bad,
maybe it's because I yearn to be your habit,

                                             Because,
                                             ****, how I crave that I could be a cigarette,
                                             Packed full of nicotine,

                                             With each inhale with me against your lips,
                                             Your intoxicating lips
                                             You would slowly grow addicted,


If I'm bad,
than then let it be so,
but if I have to be bad,
let me be your bad habit, baby girl.

They captivate you,
Your smile won't stay away when you talk to them, you just sit there like an idiot.
You can't help but laugh at their jokes.
You aren't afraid to be yourself around them.
You think about them constantly.
You do flips when they text you
They make everything make better...
You were thinking of someone when reading this, right?
Now's your chance, Take it... Tell them!
Don't wait till your chance is gone...

Why search for people with originality?
Why look for something in a person, when no two could be the same?
People try for normal.
Though in reality there is no such thing as normal.
When no two individuals are alike, how could there be such a thing?
Society tries to create normal.
Though how could they create something that can never exist?

Thoughts clawing at the seems.
Begging, crying to get out.
I wish to speak my mind to you.
These feelings slowly scratching their way, leaving me ready to shout.
When you are around it feels as if my heart was unfrozen.
Ready to speak it all though afraid I will only sound like scratched record on replay.
I don't know how to act, what to say or what to do.
I have these civil wars in my brain of what and what not to say.
I never figured that these feelings would have grown so immense.
I know that I have no chance.
Everything is jumbled when you are not around, though when you are; everything makes sense.
Right when I look into your eyes, even if it is only a glance.
At times I wonder if i'm not catching hints, do I take the right vibe?
I never ask my questions, so there in my mind they linger; answers unknown.
Sometimes I wonder if you are hiding something inside.
Unknowing of how you feel, I watch my tone.
I have no reason to give up, for none of us know what our future deems.