When you left me you said you didn't love me,
I was heartbroken...
Though now I discovered,
I didn't love you either.
So here's to the circles we chased that year,
And all the times I called you dear.
Merry Christmas,
Happy Hanukkah,
Whatever you celebrate these days.
Here's to times I'll never forget,
With a person whose words slip my mind.
Just as easily as
"Wait don't leave"
Left my mouth.

Today I am but a shadow of the man I used to be,
the man I was before your fingers grazed my cheek.
Though I'm moving forward,
and my shadow is behind me.
I can say that I'm happy.

The memories could've been amazing,
But you're just ******* coward.

These days my lips are pressed against the rim of a shot glass,
and a burning sensation is lingering in my throat...
So that the memories of you aren't pressing in my head,
and a searing fire isn't usurping my heart.

As I get home I find myself excited to talk to you,
as we talk I find myself laughing at your ****** puns.
I ponder as to why I'm laughing.
I don't laugh at anyone else's horrid punchlines.
I don't see why I would.
and then it hits,
like a freight train slammed into my chest,
I'm left breathless and frazzled.
I'm falling to my knees in shock,
and falling in love again...
and I tell myself to stop.
But you see,
that's the thing..
I can't stop the feelings,
Just as  I cannot conjure or force them.
That's the thing with our emotions,
we don't invoke them.
They invoke themselves

People often describe memories that are haunting, and I have plenty of those.
Though the haunting doesn't bother me as far as ghosts.
The feeling of being haunted comes in waves,
though the ghost follows you around.
My past love is a ghost,
fueled by an ever so familiar beating heart.
So familiar for it is myocardium.
When you left, you still had my heart.
These days I run on alcohol, cigarettes, and compliments from lasses I could never love.
Never love until I **** the ghost of my past love.
Though you can't **** a creature spawned from the undead.

My love for you was Russian Roulette,
The choice of gun was a Revolver.
Each chamber was to a month,
with a bullet set in the sixth.
I gripped the handle,
and aimed toward my leg,
though instead of nervous during the journey,
I grew comfortable...
Yet When our sixth month came.
You took the gun from my hands and aimed it at my heart.
You didn't take any hesitate to pull the trigger,
then you disappeared as I bleed on the ground.
It's been ages.
Though i'm still left in shreds,
now it's 5:46 in the morning and i'm still grieving,
even though it's been ages since our game.
I guess i'm a sore loser.
My heart is gone and it's an empty hollow,
My choice of a filler is ***** and cigarettes,
Mother wasn't lying when she said first loves tear you apart.

I recalled a time when I was referred to as the sun,
though maybe I wasn't.
Maybe I was the moon,
Simply just a gray reflection of what I wanted to be.

"I don't know if I loved you"

Those words echo throughout my heart, crushing it.

Why couldn't you...?

She said she loved his long hair,
That's why when he went to the hairdresser he got his hair buzzed.

My friends were right when they said you were toxic,
It's true, you're worse than the nicotine,
You swear they'll **** me,
You never noticed you were just as bad,
And too you I'm just another lad.

Lightening in my veins.
And thunder in my heart,
This internal storm will surely rip me apart.

A glance up,
A man stands within the shadow's drape,
That man, was always there,
And always glanced back.
The man followed,
This man ******* haunted me.
Heart lukewarm,
complimented by blue eyes chilling as ice.
Observing the man,
We spoke during silence,
Throughout the lulls in minds thought.
I noticed the darkness is his aura,
wickedness thriving from him.
From his tainted heart.
As soulless portals otherwise claimed as eyes.
Standing there,
attempting to place a lull in thought,
For the thoughts were all of violence,
The man was in front,
Though hard to make out,
In the shadows drape,
An the lights gleam.
A smile emerged and began to beam,
A smile as warm as a summer street,
a smile so bittersweet,
Though as bare feet walk along the asphalt's turns,
warm turns to pain and burns
Yet filled with remorse,
And observing the smile, the demons evolved to be worse.
The silence grew furious,
The violence grew stronger,
fists clenched,
Thoughts causing a riot.
To **** the beast,
To save other's from his pain,
allow love to flow after he is slain.
A glance into the glass,
And it seems to be,
That the shadows in glass, in the mirror,
Seem to be surrounding me.
A clenched jaw,
And toughest of the hurt,
The hurt caused,
by this wretched shell of a man.
"GET OUT OF HERE YOU ******* BEAST"
I hate the man in the mirror to say the least.

Ghosts exist,
The ghosts of our mistakes,
They wander in our hearts,
And break us,
Piece
By piece,
Until we've been torn into shreds,
And completely fallen apart.

Spirits exist,
The spirits of who we break,
They tear us apart,
And shatter us,
Shard
By Shard
Until they dictate our heads.
And drop anchor in our heart.

He sits against the tree,
Pondering of all this to be,
And what had been,
Especially his mistakes,
He's got his old lyric book on one side him,
And his guitar on the other.

He tries to write,
He tries and tries and tries,
But all that comes to mind is her,
He's got a lyric phrase on his paper beside him,
And a guitar in his lap.

He's got a head full old bad mistakes,
And a heart full of hurt from the pain he caused her,
Tears burning his eyes,
A full page of song lyrics in the tattered book beside him,
And a guitar neck in his hand's cold grasp

He's got a lump in his throat,
Remorse in his heart,
Tear Smudged, scribbled lyrics written in pencil...
And a guitar imitating the sounds dreadful frets in between his fingertips

The month before last we talked as lovers, I held you in my arms. I looked into your eyes. I saw comfort, and happiness. Standing next to the stop sign in my front yard, smiling

Last month I remembered fondly how your eyes looked the weekend before you told me you couldn't be with me...

Last week I recalled how our how stupid I was for thinking of us. I repetitively told myself to stop and kicked the sign outside my house.

Last Saturday, I vaguely remembered the tears burning my eyes as you were saying goodbye to us, between multiple shots of ***** burning the inside of my throat.

Tonight, I realize how ****** up I am, and finally see why a beauty could never love a beast like me.

Tomorrow, I'll completely forget what it felt like to be "loved".

I say I lost a lover,
When I think of losing you,
But you didn't even know if you "loved me"
I said you were home,
And our love was comfort,
But when you said you didn't know f you even loved me.
A match was held,
And my heart was full of gasoline,
A fire was lit,
And My heart was burnt to a crisp,
Now I sit heartless,
And I don't know what to miss.

You know..
You know..
You...
You don't,
You know nothing about me anymore.
You lost that when we met,
As did I..
Though you don't know me,
My dreams,
My craving,
Not even my middle name
We are just strangers with fond memories,
And what a ******* shame that is to me.

Don't worry about how I'm stubborn,
Forget that I'll argue back,
Tell me my worth,
Tell me everything I can't see.
Tell me..
Tell me..
Please...
Because I'm beginning to think it's just not there any longer.

She told him not to kiss her goodbye,
Because kissing goodbye means leaving,
Though now he glances at the photo frame,
And remembers how he never got a goodbye kiss..
He snatches the frame off the desk and looks down.
It holds a picture of her and him,
A picture with a fond stranger.

One of the most heart wrenching things..
Is how immensly I love(d) you,
But how unsure you were if you loved me..
And how now, we are light years away,
As if we are strangers,
Strangers with the most heartfelt memories and secrets.

To the one who dates her next..
She has rough nights, and whether she tells you to sleep or not.. Please stay up with her... Just in case she needs you. But... She’s miss independent she will rarely ever ask for help, still reassure her you’re always there, and make sure you are always there. Whether she calls on you or not, but don't get mad if she doesn't... That's just her. She has her moments when insecurities break through, she will tell you to run, or as will begin to speak negativity of herself... it breaks my heart, throughout the years I've known her.. She's always been her worst critic. She may try to push you away, don't be offended.. She just doesn't like having people too close, but even with her protesting. You stay there and support her, even if she doesn't let you in at that moment.. If she gets excited about something, don't claim it is silly and push it off... It brings her joy, ask her by or what it is. Kiss her, even when she's sick... And sing with her, even if you're sick, or just can't sing.... Sing with her it will make her smile.  If she wants to watch a movie, hold her close and cuddle with her during the movie, even if it's a kids movies, you watch it with her. She's never really been to fond at video games, so if she says no.. Don't be mad. Always listen to what she has to say, let her know how appealing her mind is.. And just know. Her mind is so intriguing. Of she goes off on tangents or begins to talk, listen, and let her.. Often she talks about why she finds interesting or it's something she cares about. When it comes to studying she won’t always replay, though sometimes when she is procrastinating you will. If she texts you one time, and then next time doesn't don't take it personally.  She’s just busy with school work, she's dedicated to her college, to her dream.. She wasn't comfortable with her body when we were together, so when you're together, she may want the lights off... Say yes, make sure she's comfortable, ALWAYS make sure she's comfortable.  Oh, sometimes, rarely, she will grow jealous... Those lovely green eyes will show it.. Her eyes are a key, eyes show it all... Reassure her that you love her too. On that note, make sure she knows that you love her, even with her flaws... and on her bad nights. If you can’t, leave. There will be nights she craves to drink.. She never really drinks much.. Mayr a shot... But if she happens to intake too much, Make sure she gets plenty of water and Advil. Be sure she drinks all the water or so she won't as miserable in the morning. Remember the date you asked her to be yours, that's an important date, you should see it that way because she gave you the joy of being together, even if you think it's silly... Tell her happy anniversary. Remember how she likes her coffee and just how sweet she likes it. Attempt to remember all the little details she lets you know, because they make up her... They make her the lovely lass she is. So if she mentions her favorite flower is the one you just drove by? Document that it is a Tiger Lily, or why her favorite song lyric pulls at her heart.. Speaking of what makes her who she is... Ask about her childhood, her memories... They molded her to who she is, ask about her background even if she tells you a story you think is boring, you cherish it, because It is a piece of her... When she’s having an anxiety attack wrap her up in your arms, and just ask her if she wants to talk.. Even if she doesn't want to talk about the cause of the attack.. Talk about anything, whatever her heart desires. If you can’t treat her like royalty, let someone else... She isn't a princess... She's a queen. She deserves the world, and you need to give that to her.. Losing her is a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down and it's hard to move on... But if it comes to a point where she is happier with someone else, you let her go... I'm not saying don't fight for her, but if you sand in the way if her happiness, step aside. Because her happiness means an immense amount... Give her everything, give her smiles, funny jokes, adventures, give her gifts even though she protests, give her fun dates, relaxed dates... Give her love. Love... Tell her you love her, even when she doesn't say it back, even when she doesn't know if she loves you... Because if you do, let her know.. To her future partner... Take care of her, please... Make her happy.. Show her the purest love that I couldn't offer. She deserves the world.. And just know, whoever you are... You are one lucky individual. You're so ******* lucky...

People use definitions to define others, along with themselves.
such as I?
Well, I am worthless.

When I saw your smile,
It sparked a light off inside me,
And with the light, flowers sprouted,
And a garden grew...
But now your gone,
And the light dimmed to a flicker,
But the flicker caught a tree,
And set a fire.
The flowers are gone,
and land is surrounded by ash and soot.
And a few ******* words was all it took.

Five shots,
And a couple beers,
And you're still not out of my mind.
You're not supposed to ******* be here

"Find an anchor"
Because anchors hold you down,
And keep you from floating out to sea,
I once thought it was love,
Though that was silly of me,
Because love is pretentious,
And is no longer a part of me.
Love is dead,
And the only thing that anchors me down,
Are the thoughts in my head.

Love is not planned,
Not expected.
Love is often unexpected,
Love is never logical,
Love is letting go of logic and following your gut,
Love has mistakes,
Love is worth it,
Love is losses,
Love is unconditional

The images of you two, you and him, they're ******* vivid,
And I sit in my room livid.
All I want is your love,
but I guess that will be left for me to only dream of.

I yearn to give her my heart,
though there isn't a heart anymore,
just a hole, and open door,
a door to the darkest hell,
an entrance to a past of a man who has been shred apart.

4 A.M last night I long for you to be in my arms,
2 P.M last week on Wednesday I wanted your lips against mine,
It's always the same strain of thought going throughout my mind,
No matter what day or time,
You have a tendency to invade every corner in my mind.

People may say that I'm bad,
maybe it's because I yearn to be your habit,

                                             Because,
                                             ****, how I crave that I could be a cigarette,
                                             Packed full of nicotine,

                                             With each inhale with me against your lips,
                                             Your intoxicating lips
                                             You would slowly grow addicted,


If I'm bad,
than then let it be so,
but if I have to be bad,
let me be your bad habit, baby girl.

Oh, She changed my world from black and grey, to shades of every hue.
She wrapped her rope around my heart,
I knew it the second I looked in her jade eyes,
She had me hooked from start.

I haven't broken in months,
and the only thing I want worse than shattered knuckles and a ****** fist,
Is your lips against mine,
Though,
I'll act as if everything is swell,
I'll say everything is fine.
But I know that we can't, that we won't be.
and I know the fact but I can't not dwell.

I sit and strum a chord,
though mess up on the tab because I zone out,
these thoughts shouldn't be here,
and are obviously off the board.
and that is without a doubt
but these lingering thoughts,
are of you, my dear.
I can't get them to go away,
lately they've stayed growing stronger with each passing day

She will always hold a part of his heart,
and that fact tears him apart,
He sees her in everything,
it makes him want to scream,
Agony, Agony, Oh she's gone.

She doesn't just hold a place in his heart,
yet she is seen in all his art.
Nothing takes away the sting,
He wants to wake up from this nightmare, this dream.
Agony, Agony, Oh darkness has won.

He longs to play guitar until his fingertips bleed,
he thinks that will get rid of the feelings,
and that's what he needs.
Though from it his feelings engulf him,
The feelings cut into him like a knife.
Everything around him is grim.
and that's all they have been.
For the previous months, not only the few this year.
He has felt this way for while.
Though no one could tell.
Just like no one notices he is a shell of a man of what he once was.

I broke a vase when I was younger,
I broke into multiple chunks,
All Big, it was easy to glue,
To hide from my mother.
Now,
I sit with a shattered heart,
With thousands of tiny shards,
It's been an eternity,
And I still don't have it complete.

I didn't just lose a lover,
I lost my best friend
And it's so hard to mend a heart,
When you don't know where to start,
This is tearing me apart.
And all I do is try,
But I only get a "K" or "Bye"
And say I don't want you like that anymore,
It's strictly platonic,
But I still fill my blood with tonic,
To keep you off my mind,
And blur out all mankind,

Your replies are so short,
They're leaving me with a lump in my throat,
And I'm left laying in the floor,
And I don't know how to cope.
It's like my hearts on a rope,
But you still have hold,
And you're tugging,
squeezing,
Ripping at my Chest,
All while you whisper to me "I only want what's best".

I sit in the middle of street,
Remembering how it used to be,
Months ago you looked at me with such a love, such a passion.
Now I question if you even look at me at all,
I listened to a voicemail you left,
It was brief, but in it you said you loved me,
Oh I remember how it used to be,
I remember quite vividly.
As if it was yesterday,
Of how you spoke to me
I stand in the middle street,
And see a shooting star,
I wish for another chance with you,
Then I think of what you would wish,
But I quit,
Because I know you wouldn't wish for that same thing too.
I begin to walk back in, and take another hit.

I remember hearing the sound of heels,
clicking behind me,
I recall how it made me feel,
I thought when I turned around Id see the most gorgeous lass,
And I was right,
I saw you.

I remember when my dreams were still like fairy tales,
Id see you, holding my hand,
Black dress, white pearls, red lipstick
But lately you haven't been in my dreams,
And the colors are something different,
The black, the darkness surrounds,
The white, the crooked smile of the abuser,
The red, the blood spilt on the bed.
My hand, covering the **** in my head.
Let us not forget,
Nightmares are dreams too.

She kisses my cheek,
And I realized we never had our last kiss,
And I never wanted it to end up like this,
The waters are getting rough,
And I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.
I'll stop trying so hard, I don't have the energy,
Maybe I will next week.

Looking through photographs of me throughout the past,
How I grew,
How I changed into the man I wished to be,
But at a sudden spike,
You look into my eyes,
And they look as hollow as can be.
Ever since that day,
My eyes lack blue and give off grey.
The red, the blue, and all other hues,
Have faded.
The world is black and white.
And the hardest times are at night.
Those are the nights im urged to drink,
So I don't think.
Thoughts of anything but you,
But you're all the my mine think about,
And every hope, is shaded by doubt.
Addiction is not just for substance,
It is also for emotion,
And intoxication,
While intoxicated by the *****,
Nothing is more intoxicating than you.
I glance around the fuzzy room,
And put on a cover,
A costume,
A plastic smile...
A true smile,
Well, that's been dead for awhile.

If I **** my mind,
Maybe I'll be able breathe,
Maybe if I don't think,
I won't crave to drink,
Maybe I don't have thoughts,
I will want to live
So I'll numb over.
And reject every thought,
Because then at least I'm alive

I would have taken a thousand beatings,
A bullet,
Death threats,
Redo schooling all again,
Give up acting ability,
Traveled the world...
I would have done anything that you named..
Just to be with you again.

What if I would have disappeared before I even ****** us up..
You would be happ834
But I didnt..
And I'm sorry.
I'm a burden

Today you told me
"Go home"
I told you I was...
You said to me,
"No you're on the street"
You didn't realize my home isn't the house I live in.
Home is with you.

I understand that I'm not the lad of your dreams,
The lad you want in a relationship with you,
Or the lad you'll dance with.
And that I'm too hopeful for these things.

But, what I do hope comes true.
That one day, when you're painting. You use a certain hue of blue.
That reminds you of my eyes.
And then you realize.
That I would have traveled the world for you.
And that I loved you, more than anything.