I am my mother's first born child.
The first child she ever carried.
I am my mother's first born child ,
Also bearer of  her past traumas,
I am my mother's first born child ,
I am her test and trial
I am my mother's first born child ,
Child who had to mature mentally before physical developments,
I am my mother's first born child,
Child who had to understand mother's love through pain


I held my siblings just as my mother
I loved and protected them.
But little do they know ,
I am also just the first born child,
I needed to be loved and  protected too.
But little do they know ,
I was born first to break the generational traumas .
Then set the path for my younger siblings ,
Put up with all family dramas.

Although I say my mother was once a little girl herself too.
This is her first time being a parent.
Still I am my mother's first born child,
The bearer of all her karmas .

New year , new start,
Nothing’s changed ,
Pretty much the same.
It’s vicious cycle ,
Repeats all over again.

Will I ever be fulfilled?
Is my time on earth ever gonna be fulfilled?
Will I be able to face death ?
What scares me the most is not my own death
But my beloved one’s faith .
Will I be able to accept my loved one’s death.
As I see myself growing old
So is my parents growing old in time.
Hits me with an epiphany
That time waits for none.
I can’t imagine what’s to come in next 50years
Guess I am just overthinking
But in 50years I will be 76
My parents won’t be here
My siblings will have families
And I will be old and delicate
At my bed just waiting for death

Then it gets me thinking my bond , my love
And my emotions are all just temporary.
Even if blood is thicker than water.
Nothing is forever.
We will be all gone n forgotten
Next 100years there will be no sign of existence of us.
How many great grandchildren are going to remember us?
So we should live for ourselves ?

As I sit here with my thoughts ,
I try to comprehend them.

I realize now , I loved you before I loved myself.
I guess I wasn't looking for a soulmate,
But looking for myself .
Looking for myself to give all the love.
I lacked growing up.

Yet there I go disappointing and bring agony to myself,
I fell in love with you completely , blindly and hopelessly.
There I wasted my love by loving you more than myself.
Ignoring all the red flags , never doubting the foolish faith
I couldn't see my self value but knew only to love you.

All I wanted was love and to be with one soul forever and beyond.
And sadly, your beliefs were different ,
you only loved money and materialistic value
Rather than loving my soul that I ripped off me
Just so we could be soulmates for eternity.
I was another secret for you and you were my another heartache.


I will be lying if I say I forgive you,
Because I can't.
But I am not lying when I say , I moved on and healed myself.
As time pass by and I sit here with my thoughts,
I realized I couldn't give you back the pain.
So I learned to let go, and wished you good luck,
I hope Karma does the rest.

Been holding on myself
And hating myself for a very long time.
Eventually, made peace with myself
Not knowing some things I cannot make peace with.
Things I did and do for love .
Stooped so low,
Dropped my self respect on the floor.
Those things I can't forgive myself for.
So when I let these words sink in
And accept it as a part of me ,
Would I be free and happy forever?
Would I finally really then love myself completely
Will my sins be forgiven and forgotten
For all I did was all for love.

We connected so strangely,
When it all started I had no clue.
Though the bad habit started through u.
He used your name, strange still then,
I had no clue.
like at the end of my big life lesson
I found you .

Lost and hurt ,
I only had rage and dark thoughts.
Where I felt dying would be better
better than to live like this.
I was lost and hurt.
I was h

For Darkness only blinds u ,
For in the dark , your own mind manipulates you ,
Make you hate you ,you will hate yourself
You may feel like you are stuck in time
Doing nothing but causing your own suffering
Not even knowing what's causing it,
But you play a role in your own sufferings
Been too long on my own
Been wronged once or twice
I loved the wrong person
So I  paid a heavy price
Lost my self respect and value
To a person who is full of despise

Big lesson ,Big time
I let my mind flow
Blamed myself more
I don't know how to explain but,
I lost myself long time ago
Now this time I forgive myself
For all the times I forgetting myself,
Letting myself into the darkness,
Even ******* hating myself,
Maybe it is all God's plan
Yet I bet God didn't even know that,
I could be so dumb
To love him more than I can.  
But I thank god for still looking out for me
I believe I got his help was in form of Destiny
I believe I had to had that Call
To save me from the dark very desperately
Now m finding the light
To Enlighten me
My thoughts do get twisted at times,
And I see my way with the light ,darkening
So I tell myself '' What's a fight without some struggles or a fight without putting up a fight''
This fight within myself
To find peace within  myself
To start loving myself
To start healing myself
I will heal
This time for eternity

I loved you so much
that it hurts
to think about it
I loved you so much
that I gave you all I got
I loved you so much
that m empty now
I got no love

I tried a lot of ways
to cut you out
even forgave you
And somehow I still can't forget About
How much I loved you
*******
I loved you so much
My love you was so true
it was only pure love
wanting to be with you
and to love you till my heart stopped
But m in my misery now
I forgot the joy of love
I loved you so much
that it still hurts
Even when I already
let go
let go of you from me
but I still pain
when I think of me

Cause I loved you like a fool
Only wanted to dream about you
I loved you that much
that there ain't no expression
to express it out
I just want you to come back and hug me
but I can't  scream out
I 've lost it and I am defeated
I can't feel my core
It's all sadness and pain
I can't feel love no more

I loved you
so much that
Now I don't know how to love anymore.