fear sinks in and I start to smile
its cold embrace more familiar than my own skin
my trust in it unbreakable,
it knows my thoughts,
IS my thoughts,
not all of them,
just the ones about you
afraid of admitting the truth,
that I spend everyday lying to myself because I'm afraid of the pain of the truth
The truth that when you say that maybe you like me I scream at myself for loving you
for letting myself FEEL something
emotions a the blade I use to sever my heart
not knowing how sharp
but the second those emotions build up
an old friend comes by to remind me to lie
lie to my self
I have no feelings
I can't let my self love you
it's not real
I can't let it be
you only like me because you gave up on everyone else
that has to be it
how long before you give up on me?
you gave her four months
you'll only give me three
If I continue to push as hard as I am
to keep you out
To keep my sanity
it falters at every turn
every time your name drips from the lips of my best friend
It's childish, I know, to think every time that I had you first
you should be mine
because if you're not you've been stolen
you pour from her and the rain falls to me
A storm reminding me that if I had just kept you a secret she wouldn't have you
I would,
I run from the storm
hide beneath a blanket of fear
staying warm
safe
nothing can harm me hiding here
nothing to hurt me but myself
with the lies I tell myself just to stay away
yet I know that I love you
It makes me feel stupid
I love you
you might like me
the thought kills me but I can't let it go
I cling to it
but tell myself it isn't true
if you don't love me
I can't let myself love you
Even if I know I do.

I didn't grow up with broken bones
I grew up with broken hearts
Stemmed from broken homes
that had been built on broken starts
I believed love was a theory
or something you could chart
some how
you do not fit the patterns
Don't merge with other lines
Don't begin to fit the profile
for someone I should like
but,
maybe should just let it happen
let the chips fall where they may
Let myself fall in your arms
arms too far away
Everyday I question
how much those arms can hold
how far those arms can stretch
can they hold me above my past?
can they reach me?
I never broke a bone
I've had many broken hearts
Come from a broken home
built on a broken start
I taught myself love was a dream
A fairytale never meant to be
like a house built in a stream
It would drown eventually
That's always how it seemed
I'm kind of shocked I love you
I hate knowing how I feel
my solid bones don't matter
nor the casts around my heart
love is not a theory
it's very much an art

Growing up I was always told to pretend
To make-believe I was a princess
A mother
A warrior
Whoever I wanted to be
With a little imagination and some time spent outside
Could be real,
But who was I really fooling?
Not myself
After turning the pool into a beautiful dress
After putting my "babies" to bed
After slaying the evil swing set
I was still me
Maybe that's why I got bored
started trying to make others believe my stories
Not worried about what I thought
More how much others did
I can control the radio
I can make it so you can't move
I can levitate
I can read your mind
I am a famous singer
I lied to you about all of this because if you believe it
you might be able to make it
true
Lies
that's all they were
I wanted them to be true
Tried to make them true
They never were
They never will be
Lies
Memories
Pretending it doesn't hurt
Pretending It does
Never knowing who I was
still searching for who I am
I am NO princess
I am NO mother
but I can fight
I wage wars with myself
battle scars taking residence in my heart
I wasn't lying
I was pretending
Pretending to be okay
Pretending I believed
Just like you pretend you care
About me
About what happens to me
If i were to die now you would be at my funeral because it looks right
If i die in ten years you wouldn't show up
Pretending you care or
Lying about caring
pretending
Lying
if it's the same for me it's the same for me it's the same for you
maybe if you
spend a life hiding wounds
spend a day in my shoes
spend a night in my dreams
you'll see why pretending i'm okay
pretending i believe
pretending i'm a princess
a mother
A warrior
None of it works
Nothing ever did
nothing ever will
pretending to be someone i'm not
I'm not you,
I pretended to be
I imagined a world where I could make-believe to believe and have it be true
When I slayed the swing set
I killed myself

There's a cracked mirror on the wall
broken by carelessness
but kept around to use
Everyday I look in that mirror
I see myself for who I am
broken by the carelessness of the few I cared about
but kept around to use
Everyday that mirror looks at me
sees me for who I am
bits and pieces missing
handed out to strangers like candy to children on halloween
broken in ways that can never be repaired but still manages to do what it intended to do from the start
Everyday I walk away from that mirror with the same realization
I am the cracked reflection I have seen for years, growing closer to the mirror i've looked in every day
I have hung my self on a wall
Everyone who looks at me breaks
begins to reflect the only truth they can accept
There is a cracked mirror
Hiding in the reflection of others
Alone, Cracked, I hang on the wall

ohh where to start… i know, You sir are an *******
You were there then you weren't
leaving when i needed you most
making me grow up so fast,
at a young age, you taught me what disappointment was when you would call saying you would visit in a half hour and never showed up…
when you chose yourself over me..
you next bottle of beer over me…
HOW WORTHLESS AM I?
still I give you a second chance and invite you to one of the most important days of my life…
you showed up late
so late you missed my performance…
got hauled out of the place by the cops because you were so drunk you fell on one of them
HOW WORTHLESS AM I?
you can't even put the bottle down for one day
birthdays, Christmases, my first date, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, the week i spent crying over that guy.. with hair or something
Dances, partys.
I bet you can't tell me my best friends name?
any of my friends?
MY favorite color?
That boy I likes name?
MY AGE?
you will miss my graduation….
My brother walking me down the aisle at my wedding
you're grandkids
all because you are to selfish to se what it does to me, what it will do to them.
DOES IT MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU?
AM I THAT WORTHLESS?
you already did this to one kid
left him 16 years ago without another thought
I talk to him sometimes, he tells me he wishes you had stuck around longer like you did with me.
I tell him I wish you had just left…
i wouldn't have had to hope
I wouldn't have had to wait
I wouldn't have had to grow up
I wouldn't have had to cry
I wouldn't have had you
I would have had the gift of not knowing what I'm not missing out on
so yes YOU ARE THAT WORTHLESS to me

I Can't Believe I Can't Write A Decent Poem About You…
You Killed Me…
And Still .…
Nothing.…
Maybe It's Because No Matter How Much I Deny It I Still...
LOVE You.…
And I Hate Love Poems.…
Roses Are Red.…
Violets Are Blue.…
You Caused This Mess. …
I Mean It *******.…
Wait .…
No, .…
I Don't Mean It.…
I Just Hate How This Sounds.…
I Don't Want You Back…
Not Right Now...
I Just Want To Write A Poem About Hating You…
But …
I Don't Hate You…
I Just Don't Get It…
How Could You Be Right For Me And Me Be Wrong For You…
Is There Someone Just Like You Out There That I Need To Be Looking For? …
Or Was It You And I Just Tried Too Hard?…
Or Was I Wrong And You Weren't The Person I Thought You Were?…
Roses Are Stupid…
Violets Are Cliché …
I Wish I Could Hate You…
Oh …And, By The Way……
You Made It So I Couldn't Hate Anyone…
To Hate Someone They Have To Have Hurt You, Right?…
Well It Is Unfair To Hate Someone When You Hurt Me More Than Anyone Ever Could…
Yet I Still Love You…
I Shouldn't Though
You Don't Love Me Anymore
So, Why Every Time I Get Over You Do You Show Up In My Life Again?
The Roses Are Wilting…
The Violets Are Dead…
Yet There's Something About You…
That Won't Leave My Head…
Get Out!…
I Want To Hate You…
I Want To Loth You…
I Want To Stop Missing You…
I Want To Move On…
I Want To Fall In Love With Someone New…
And I Want To Stop Comparing …
Everyone …
To
You…

You are not allowed to like me
I'm afraid of what it will do to me
I can't let you get close to me
I'm afraid of how you will hurt me
I've caged my self up for a year,
not letting anyone have the key
my padlocked heart never beating
just a fist pounding against the wall,
mimicking my missing emotions
awaiting the realization from those around me that the key to my heart is not in my pants,
and THOSE need a key as well
the key to my heart is in my mind,
if you can fool me into believing you like me, you get my heart,
if you can fool my heart into believing you love me,
you get my mind.
so maybe i am a foolish person
the walls of the cage my only comfort,
cold metal my closest friend,
the slightest movement and it caresses my skin
the words I speak bouncing off of impenetrable walls
sinking in to my skin, my veins
slowing the blood flow to my emotionless heart
compressed, depressed, soulless and asleep
You are not allowed to like me
There is no reason to
The words i speak sharpened to daggers, in the hopes of removing your flesh, freeing your blood to the floor mine has stained  
My skin a canvas for the art of pain, my emotions wounding me,
My scalp the hidden salvation for my nails, leaving holes as claw away the thoughts of a happiness I am afraid of having
Blood and tears the last memory of happiness
blood and tears the ocean i drown myself in
Blood and tears washing away my fearlessness
blood and tears the ocean i drown myself in
Blood and tears washing away my fearlessness
Blood and tears
scabbing together what is left of me
You are not allowed to like me
I'm afraid of myself
I can't let you get close to me
I break too easy
I'm fragile
The walls of the cage my only comfort
they hold me