I long to slip
beneath your surface,
but I freeze everything
I touch.

I want you, back of my throat,
past the lips, parted so willingly
around your shaft,
hard and firm.

Let me gag like a *****,
saliva dripping,
I'll be the best *****
who has ever ****** you.

Reach forward, caress you in my hands,
staring up with eyes full of fear
and hope
and relief.

*** for me, baby,
***.

Empty my ******* head out
in one great last blast of passion.

My memory is fading,
your face, a burnt and ashen sillouette
of blood in my mirror.
Catch me, I'm falling,
hiding in a nightmare of *******
unrealized sexuality,
unwanted.

I'll spin on out,
uncatchable,
ruining lives along the way,
carrying only the broken memory of you,
Love.

Leprous ash,
the soreness of atrophy, caught,
a terrifying tenderness,
and my numbness just cannot sway.

I just cannot give what I want,
what you need,
and I'm dying
in my attempts to provide it to you.

I'm so close to slipping away
burning life into irradiated ash,
slipping beneath the waves,
and escaping.

Baby, let me break.
Make me happy,
lonely, aching to
love.

Able only
to hate.

I'm not the power they say I am.
Lost and curdling in my corner,
a broken, brittle man,
shaking in the recesses,
corners in which a
faucet drips blood.

So break, baby, and run.

I am a symbol of death,
and my name is rot.

I'm leaking thick drops of lust
into the naked nothing
surrounds my chest
breath, a Liliputian task in your absence.
My weariness, a tourniquet,
gauze, wet, etches the corners of my mind
I'm swallowing water, child,
and this undertow is just too strong
for treading.

I'm filling the void
left by your absence
with **** and marijuana
and I'm so sick of feeling cold.

The flowers, red and violet,
bend away from your light
and they just won't reach to you
the way I wish they would.

I'm an old man,
sipping a drunken melody
in this claustrophobic daydream,
and my heart just feels like Winter.

Little acorns, fallen by the tree
anchored into soil.
You had just begun to grow,
when mother wilted.

The comforting shade of her branches, gone.

The support of her vital roots, gone.

Yet you remained.

Little sapling, snatched at by a predator, tooth and claw. You held tight to the soil, setting shallow roots,
clinging to the earth,
rich with remnant memories,
ghosts.
You set your branches up, grew quickly, reached out with earnest energy,
to shade the acorn below you.

Gnashing teeth, fangs of a predator. Violence, a flash of red lust into your branches, pulling, ripping.

Yet, for your acorn, adopted, your remained.

Through the jealous filter of grief, you remained.

Through the threat to your own body, you remained.

And even though Mother is gone,
you have taken her place.
Your roots winding deep into fertile soil, finding your way through paths
she first dug,
you find your strength
as protector,
anchor,
life-giver,
to the little acorn beneath you.

The comforting shade of your branches, remain for her.

The support of your vital roots, remain for her.

I'm busted, baby.
Swollen and brittle
Soft and pliable
And there's just nothing I can do
Excluded lesions collect in pools
In sorrow, I've dug for you
But I'm busted, baby.

Swings and playgrounds
Candy and sunbeams
On your face, loyalty
Can you feel my love?

Turnstile girls
Nullified conscience
On my mind, ghost
Can you feel my love?

Black eyed scars
Kisses and blood
In my words, deceit
Can you feel my love?

Vacuumed existence
Jargon and filth
On my breathe, death
Can you feel my love?

I've been drowning under your weight
too long
in stances of submission
weakened by your laugh,
ceaseless.

Watch my lightning bugs sink
into death, let them burn
out and collapse these lungs
into delicate origami butterflies
like the fragile hatred
I feel for you.

Did you hear it,
telling me I'm ugly?
Did you see me,
believing every word?

My head sets on the horizon,
aflame with impending doom
scuttled like a sinking ****,
burnt and begging.

My hydrogenic mass defeats you,
surfaces spread thin like oil
on glass and there is only one way out -
immolation.

Sun-soaked dust clouds rain
their bitter truths on the
spires of steel antennae
violating my mind.

Sparrows burst from my head
like a broken breeze
an explosion of feathers
black and blonde,
and I can't hold your memory
as much as I'd like.

My churning gut,
full of sour milk,
running like a river,
full of playing children,
and chemicals.

And like the pointless energy
of these words,
my fists crack pointlessly
against the depth
of a black-water ocean,
filled with you.

I won't even speak to you today,
I know it.

And I want it to be your fault,
but I feel it's mine.

All the things, unsaid.
The thoughts, unsaid
behind a blue light lcd
staring into the white space
I do not fill with the:

I miss you so much and it hurts
I so very much enjoyed our time together
And maybe I'm over emotional
And maybe my vision is blurred
But I hurt when you aren't here
And I hate this machine
I've become.

And I worry she tore all my veins out
replaced them with wires, unfeelingly
pumping signals to this lead heart,
just gears and steam.

I am a machine, not a man.
I am efficient
I am strong
I am unfeeling
And I destroy everything
I touch.

When the memories of
how I was your first love,
all engulfed in flame,
and how I am your first regret,
wrapped in the cellophane of disgust,
I feel the black maggot
churn in my heart,
defecates into my gut,
makes me sick,
all over again.

This morning I  smelled the sunshine,
and thought of you.

Immediately.
Suddenly.
Instantly.

And like
the storming ache within my heart,
the longing of you
left me
vacant.

When wakefullness holds me captive,
stirring ceaselessly at 2AM,
I rest on memories of you,
on the spot you once lay,
on my bed.

A light at the end of the tunnel,
bursting out from the dark,
into four days of
midnight playgrounds
rainbow bracelets
highway lanes and passenger seat,
full of music at four A.M.

A little bit of hurt,
never a milligram of harm,
brings this closer
than standing in front of your desk,
idly moving words between us,
ever could have.

Fragments, strung together like your tears,
shock themselves, an ice bath.
I could steal you like a thief in the night,
your shining white knight,
fill you with my lust
**** myself just enough,
that little death of ******,
inside you.

Words no longer have meaning.
I strip them of their false hope,
reaching spaces in between,
letters like notes in a song,
between which, the truth
is told.

You couldn't pry this void from me.
I grasp onto it like a greedy child,
sloppy and heady from
your soury-sweet mother's-milk,
drunk like you never were
from my ***.

Remember me?

I'm the man
who stood by and watched
as your own Mother
your own Father
cut you out of their lives
and your own brother
told your husband he should have succeeded
instead of failing
to **** himself.

Remember me?

I'm the man
who pulled you out of closet
you would hide in
screaming, crying, wanting to
hurt yourself while
your own Mother
your own Father
your own sister
were deaf to your cries.

Remember me?

I'm the man who was there for
half a decade, learning to
care for you
bathe you
give you space
(Just don't lock the door, love.)
laid on your back
when the weight of me
was the only way you could
feel safe.

Remember me?

How quickly,
shamefully,
selfishly,
you forgot
on that day last June,
when you told me,
you were leaving.

I didn't forget you,
or that kiss I knew would be our last.
And I wish I could remember that
last look as you drove away,
but the image in my mind
is blurred,
just as it was on that day,
as the tears bent the light
from the face I loved,
as it drove away,
free of tears.

I'm only here,
waiting for you,
never coming through
my door again,
never looking in,
my eyes again,
never breathing near
my ear again,
never lips on
my flesh.

I'm only here,
waiting for you,
still.

If it were a million years from now,
you'd still be
in my mind
in my heart
on my skin

I thought.
I believed.
You were the one thing
I had faith in,
when I was a universal atheist.

I would have ridden into the dusty East
to fight Crusades in ****** tribute
to you.

All those years with you,
are like a crumbled castle
I walk through at times,
wanting
the walls rebuilt
the gates strong again
the flags no longer
dead on their poles,
tattered and charred.

But this place is a ghost now,
just like your presence,
in my chest.

The lips that met,
never touched. Or could she only
dream?

The sweat beading upon my brow,
as she was spread out like a
feast.

When certainty is unpronounceable,
and air beats harsh and stark,
can anyone not see me screaming,
at these never fading blister marks?

Well she lives, a life allowed
permitted apostrophes
clinging to the nerve endings
in my mind.

Where are you, suddenly,
a cry from the night.

I could bleed from these arms,
into my hands,
which once seemed so strong,
drown my prize
in nitrogen and scar tissue
and maybe then I'd be happy
to destroy myself
again.

If I had you in my hands,
petal,
cradled from the rot
guarded from the corruption
the world assails you with,
I would hold you firmly
and never let you go...

Never let you go.

A basic formulation,
stereotype breaking sunshine
beams into our closed blinds,
early sun rise moments,
hidden from the world,
connected by
flesh, sweat, murmuring words
in the security of this moment,

I've driven away from it all,
look into my eyes,
we both can go blind.

She has brittle pale wrists.
She hides them,
like sunshine,
in her pocket.

Why couldn't real be obtainable?
Why don't these broken teeth release me already?
Why does everything hurt like glass?
Speeding into oblivion,
with you without you.

Spread this out
through your cries
broken little pieces
spread out
like your legs
shaking and bent
the rope remakes you:
a glass sliver contortionist
thorn in your side
like a kitten
lapping milk
with razor tongue

Can you feel it coming?

A blast of stars across your field of vision,
wrapped in a vow of loyalty,
presented in the spaces between our breath,
where everything fades away,
every black spot rattling around in your brain,
blasted away in a fit of
violence,
lust,
care,
possession,
sweetness, and
love.

I am getting closer,
princess.

miles where I think about you
feet where I see you
inches where I smell you
millimeters where I breathe you
contact where I feel your skin
(hair standing on end)
inside you
(fingers, tongue, ****)
filling you with my ***
where we are whole,
and one.

If I am empty, it is for you.
If I am full, it is for you.
If I am something, it is for you.
If I am nothing, it is for you.

If I am, it is for you.

A princess and a puppy,
sit at Daddy's feet.
Cuddling and snuggling,
He gives His love to each.

I want to unhinge My lower jaw
like a snake, and swallow you
whole.

Not simply to posses you,
but to hold you inside,
where My heart and stomach and lungs could keep you warm;
where anything trying to hurt you
would first have to **** Me
and cut Me open to get to you.

Last night, I dreamt of you
and all the roads
(overgrown and tangled)
I lost you on.

I can pretend behind this wall
that I'm okay,
tender little teeth
wear the truth each night,
grinding down to nerves.

I've not gained so much as recently,
as I watch it all
drain
away.

I was blowing vapour trails like a dragon,
splitting heart spinning in my
broken head,
when your words arrived.

And you know what?
I have held those
makeup-chasing gestures
down your cheeks
onto your chin
across your chest...

But they meant little as your presence
which never really existed,
did it?

This isn't about you.
This could've been,
but you do not exist.

All spun out like the chaff,
the fire breathing drags on,
clever little jots and tittles thrown in anger.

But nothing good ends well,
as the saying went.

I never wanted anything
but your happiness,
and I will not reciprocate the attacks.

I am not like the others,
and you know it.

Clamp onto my weakness,
precious.
Where did you run to,
holiness?

Your everything
equaled torn ligature,
some jaw-grinding equation
where I sent prayers,
unanswered.

Strip me naked,
break my bones,
open your heart,
and breathe in the butterflies.

Hush little babygirl
don't you cry,
Daddy's gonna read you
to beddy-bye time,
And if that story
doesn't work,
Daddy's gonna *******
until you squirt.
And if that squirting
don't make you sleep,
Daddy'll fill your ***
with His special treat.
And if that treat
don't make you swoon,
Daddy's gonna cuddle you
like a little spoon.
Cos Daddy knows
how to care for you,
and wash away all that
makes you blue.

I am just a ghost in your machines
low as binary, weak ink traces
a lost little girl
justice is never wrought
the leftover heart break I thought
and you still occupy
the cracks in my heart.

Sway, little leaf.
Fragile like the wind that wraps about your mind,
pushing places where you fear you will perish.

Float, little leaf,
searching through the illumination in the dark.

It will come, little one,
it will come.

You will find a place to rest,
set down your roots,
and grow strong,
branches without boundaries,
encircling our world.

The pain of loneliness weighs you down;
do not let it.
Spin high and free,
carried by the winds of your desires,

The eyes around you are not looking with disgust,
they are looking with envy,
which makes the forest green.

I am empty
with nothing to fill me.
Empty me out
but nothing to pour into.
Just tip me over,
and out nothing comes.
Drowning and empty,
my scream from the lungs.

I am a piano, slightly out of tune
but my dissonance makes you notice me.

I am a steady nurturing rain
and I keep you cool and wet.

I am the sunlight on a blackened world,
that brings the music of memories
and the life of fresh precipitation.

to the rhythm of "Miss Muffet"*

A lone little girl
sat in her room
holding her stuffie so tight.
The terrible shadows
wrapped close about her
forcing her sad eyes to cry.

she cut at the shadows
but cut only herself
wishing the shadows would leave.
she dreamed of a plant
that could bloom over her booboos
where she had made herself bleed.

Her shame was so mean
and crawled bout the corners
where all the mean memories lay.
"Can't sumbudy save me
an chase out the night,
befow I cut mysef away?"

When suddenly to
her surprise and delight
the door opened, pouring in light.
The shadows hissed cruel
as they slinked off in fear,
cursing and suffering blight.

The sound of His voice
was all that it took
to chase the bad memories away.
"Come to Daddy's arms
my sweetest of treasures,
Daddy's now here to stay."

"you will not be scared.
you will not have fright,
as long as you hold Me tight.
Daddy will be here
to cuddle you close,
all throughout the night."

I am swelling amongst the waves
violet petals crash hard about,
dash me onto hard dreams.

Every stance is futile here,
mouths opening to receive me,
knife-edges awaiting my blood.

I have so rescue,
and so I think to you.