Yesterday felt like tomorrow
Tomorrow feels like yesterday
And my eyes don't
And my heart isn't
And my mind won't
And I'm not sure if all these sparkling tear drops
keep falling from the thought of it
or if the weight is just to great.
It was all figured out yesterday, but
yesterday felt like tomorrow
tomorrow feels like yesterday
and my eyes don't
and my heart isn't
and my mind can't.

My heart is turning in knots
and I never was
a Boy Scout
a knot master
and the thinnest ice
is crisp like
this year's
death.

Sun fades into the clock
as calendar days
are stricken off one by one.

And all my dreams are memories.
And all my hopes rewind.
And all the listless days she's had
begin to multiply.

In peace you sleep
next to me
every breath
an acrostic
spelling my name.

Your skin, a
magnet
to my
hands.

We may step
out of time
but in these moments,
we are finding
our new song.

To refreshing winds
where new things grow
and green
permeates
the dead.

I dreamt us.
I am a lonely man
that thought he had eternity,
and woke,
to find an empty bed.

How
could this
be true?

This dream that binges
on my only source
of peace,
come true.

And all the times
you swore
that it wouldn't be,
have rotted to lies.

I rise each morning
on thoughts of you,
eager, ernest, wanton...

And it carries me up out of bed
Into my day
Until we meet again

Your love is what takes me there
floating in bliss,
lighter than air.

Can you see these words?
Stare down the barrel of this
alphabet soup,
broth of blood.

Touch my hair,
trigger,
and muscles
turn to puddles.

Warmth rises
so smoothly my fingertips
trace geoglyphs,
markings for the gods to see,
from whence you descend upon
mi vida y yo estoy Feliz,
permanence permeates
as our droplets of sweat glide
from my white flesh
onto your coffee-with-creamer
skin of mocha.

Slide across your subtle folds
Tease with fingers
Wetness
Your body always responds
It knows the touch
of me entering your honey
Slick, like a baby seal
and just as bald.

So many words
spread across so many tears.
The days add up
to dessicated husks.

"I will walk through Hell for you," he swore.

"I'd stay with you even if we were homeless," she lied.

And how the moments add up.
How they take and take and take, sapping away like the hatred for the face in the mirror.

All of these thoughts melt
like the gates between her legs
now open
to his whispered words.

Strangled by feathers
purple fades to violet
and men run as fast as they can
to women who harden to stone
see,
when invisible mistakes
are made
the solutions are just as hard
to find.
Like returning from war (the shells! the shells!)
to an empty nothing
no yellow-flowered sundress
no fruited perfume (you are fifteen again)
no soul shaking open mouth
full of teeth...tongue...soul
like it could be your death
and you'd sigh away
smiling.

When I meet your eyes
I cannot escape
the deep and vibrant
black.

My world melts away
like changing movie scenery
behind me.

My time speeds up beyond speed
and slows below time
and I am left bewildered.

An ocean is what I'd dive into for you.
My phobias are meaningless at your gaze.
Where do I go from here? What help is there?
There is the returning to wires, metal, corroded
heart.

She lit his darkened heart with light
the most beautiful he'd ever seen.
She dragged him in like a magnet
pulling black holes from the sky.
She made it impossible to escape
her grasp and be drawn into her.

Then, "one day she stiffened"
and pushed him away
and he fell into that big
black hole.

Stretched into an oblivion of time;
nothing but memories
of a light that once
burned.

Narrow ways, guild the asphalt freedom
wrapped in a steel bumper
ruining someone's day
with necessary body-shop work.

I've seen these steps before
felt this magnetism
been pulled so close
and here it is again.

Just
a
simple
step...
and...

Decision, vision, precision,
collision, scission, excision.

She pulled the trigger
blasting away all that was good
now null and void, ineffective.

The skull of love exploding
sprayed out and penetrating
the dry wall behind
like grenade fragmentation.

Now, there is no coming back.
Now, there has been a final solution.
Now, death permeates and infiltrates
the cracks made in the home
of all they had built.

The things you'll never know
The things I'll never say
The things you don't understand
The things that are only for me
a dark window I look out
a dark web of onion layers.

Someday I'll see you again,
and that will equal all the pointless counseling and
therapy sessions that only delayed my inevitable.

All the things of life:
love
***
learning...

mean nothing in the end,
so why should they matter now?

Someday.

I look forward to it.

I grew us a garden
at least that's what I say
but it was really my way
to show you that new things
can always grow.

Peppers, fleshy sheen
Jalapenos, green
Lavender, my eyes roll back

Your time signature
has changed
and there seems nothing
I can do to explain

Why the peppers are rotting
Why the jalapenos are dead
Why the lavender is dry and barren

So I roll my hand into
the dry, dead soil
of a garden neglected
and all the years we had,
like dirt,
runs away
through my fingers.

I want us to survive
the
heavy times
lost times
hurting times
sadness times
empty times
it-feels-like-there's-no-way-out times.

The faded indigo
that bleeds across the page
dampens all the hope
yet I will fight with all the rage.

I want us to survive.
I want us to survive.
I want us to...
I want us...
I want...
I...
I love you.

You say you've
given
all the love you
have.

Every
last
bit.

And
Love contracts
Love cools
Love dies

But
Love relives
Love warms
Love grows

Love finds the way
like a grass blade
from concrete.

If you were a worm,
I'd spend my days in dirt
letting you run through my fingers
along my gentle hands.

If you were a worm,
I'd spend my money on earth
rich, black, loose
where you could live.

But you are not a worm.
You are a human being.
And as a human is
infinitely more complex,
so is my love,
infinitely exponential.

The moments after death
may carry the
Images
Sounds
Feelings
Memories
In an extended,
Lifetime-long,
dream-state.

We've had so much
loved so much
lived so much
cried and sighed and
gave so much.

We have so much
love so much
live so much
cry and sigh and
give so much.

Of all the stars
you glimmer, intense.

And most important to me,
is all your future tense.

Your body
is a temple
I'd crawl to,
****** knees.

Wash hands in the holy water
of your eyes
kneel at the altar
of your thighs
confess my sins
to your mouth.

My love
pure
like new.

If ever
questioned,
know
it's true.

My eyes
dilate
when I look
at
you.

I love you far beyond the stars
This universe is so small compared
The churning, spinning infinity
Is nothing next to the love for you in me.
My little girl
My only one
Who, if life stabbed with time,
heartbreak, confusion, and fear,
I would hold you up
I would never let go
even long after
this Universe
is cold.

He couldn't understand,
it was so bright one day.
"Never forget, my child," he said
"Every flower fades."

Purple feathers guard
the weeping willow'd face.
When time cannot near to touch,
Love somehow always finds a place.

She's just a little girl.
Please, just leave her be.
The way she looks at me
shows me eternity.

So leave her in peace,
this cold-bed night alone,
for sure her heart knows
which way is home.

A skin of ice
so fragile still
lit by the sky
and beautiful.

The warming sun,
is higher now
frozen wings
and solid vows.

"Shake me loose,"
she said to me,
"help to repair
my galaxy."

And Winter's not quite here it seems
Despite the white and hopeful dreams
And every moment left with her
I keep and hold intact forever.

"So when you're lost,"
to her I spoke,
"I will make sure
your stars aren't broke."

Distanced distractions
now too close
arrange my Catopaxi,
inverse flow
the molten snow
from every crevasse
to the waiting sea.

Wouldn't it be easier
if life
made more sense
than that
last line?

I have a box of tools,
useless,
and debris.
Pistol-pin,
rifle-lock,
shorn and ****** knees.

I lay here only
motionless
in a flood.
Turn me over,
face to Sun,
mercurial soul of blood.

If there is no kingdom
you still are my Queen.

If there is no world
you still are my Ground.

If there is no universe
you still are my Sun.

If there is no life
you still are my Breath.

I saw you out in the water
thought you were waving,
but you have been
drowning.

I'm swimming out now,
I've realized my mistake.

I'm going to pull you ashore,
or drown trying.

Passing out at pulpit
never assuaging
signal lines fraying
straying lights praying
playing heights failing

Corona solitude
ember has a magnitude
un-burden your burden
fail the feathers: fire, ice, leaf.

Is this a dream,
or am I just remembering
a trinity?
Is it minus one?

If I've coagulated,
then the emptiness lost
is a cancer I will remove.

"Dasehra, make these shackles go away. Dasehra, as long as I am injured. Dasehra, as long as I remember." ~ Cedric Bixler-Zavala

One: 24 hour denial
Two: Tears
Three: Try to stuff it down
Four: Fail
Five: Tears
Six: Completely breakdown
Seven: Go to hospital because you wish it were you
Eight: Destroy all semblance of normal
Nine: Tears, fear
Ten: She makes you realize the sky has fallen in
Eleven: You realize again, a star explodes, you hadn't seen the light
Twelve: Love

1 Tbsp. disbelief
1 cup shredded heart
2 Tbsp. self hate
1 whole core life memory, shredded
2 minced cloves, bitter
2 teaspoons of copy-cat extract

Mix into a leather loop.

Put your neck in,
pantomime.
Almost wish
that clip
stuck.

Pretty potent,
Portent of Doom,
lift up your eyes -
blind by the Moon.

How can I be loved
When it pushed all love away
How can I be good
When it pushed all goodness away
How can I be alive
When it pushed my life away?

Veins in leaves
Air on my face
My love for you

If I could hold you a thousand times
it'd never be enough
If I could kiss you a thousand times
it'd never be enough
If I could love you a thousand times
it'd never be enough
But if you could hold me
just once
and never let me go
it just might be enough.

Fly, little bird
find your peace
know you were loved
fighting against growing up
for years
together.

From "we love Satan"
to "Franken-Mamma"
to late night rides
and jumping medians at 2AM
facing head-on collisions
with life.

So fly, little bird
the time is now,
fly.

A halo
of blonde blacklight
Skin, stretching
A canvas
Luminous
The shadows
are wet

Beads of water
cling to the glass edge
I glide along.

I've been unaware
holding this head under water
driven in by tiny bones
ossuary of the lines on your
face.

He's been stirring
water pours off as he rises
attracted by brittle bones
sarcophagi of dreams
broken.

There is no greater clarity,
No greater freedom,
than a pistol barrel
in your mouth.

I purge sans binge
I ***** scars onto everyone around me.
My guilt: a summation.
Now, if I could only figure out why
I keep sticking fingers down my throat.

Oh amber, foam-ed memories,
cast about my brain.
The evening tide pulls me away,
sooner than later, I'm afraid.

These cells are full
bloated
swollen
the point of splitting,
the membranes taut
rigid with
tension.

Touch me,
ever so gently.

I'll come apart,
a fine mist.

I don't know
if the blankets are enough
spindled about my head as they do,
suffocating the desire right,
left,
out the skylight
and into the blood
that sleeps above me.