His eyes became wells
overflowing
buckets of regret
drawn from the emptiness
that crawls up his walls.

The colors run
passionate
cotton candy
water colors.

I hold out loud
conversations
with the ghost of you
in my bed.

I must be quiet
quiet, still
but doing so
will only show
shadows on the fourth wall.

What a cool waking to life again
edging towards the green
euphoria seeps in the mind
as the cold of Winter leaves.

From the dead
and from the gray
roots of love
find a way.

I still turn to talk to you
I still expect your smile
I still hold on to your soul
I still see the rest of my life
in you.

And so...

I'm still fighting.

He was a
robot
who dreamt
it was a real boy.

Just before bed
I turn out all the lights
and for a few moments
I am bathed in darkness.

In the moment before
I turn the bedside light on
I imagine you'll be there
In bed
smiling,
in love,
when the light comes on.

But you never are.

And this nightmare-come-true,
tallies on another day.

"I can't live with
or without you."
Well then,
all things being equal,
why wouldn't you pick
saving us
over ending us?

And the wind is yelling
through the absent leaves
and like a child
I am afraid
and you are not here.

Could you find me
if I were hidden in plain sight
unscented and delivered
on a platter you guilded in silver
that my hands went numb
polishing for you?

The apologies dissolve
as the crumbling blocks
disintegrate in whole
equating into nothing
but my cracking heart.

When the world
falls apart around you
remember breakfast
is the most important meal.

Here I was,
writing
the beauty of you
the beauty of us.

The unwritten holocaust
redacting facts
written in
my mind
written on
my heart.

And
suddenly
the
music
stops.

There were hidden love notes left
and I've taken them all down
so you don't have to fear
running into my love.

Like a child
you sleep
worriless and innocent
fist under cheek
breathing sweet
baby's breath.

I look at you,
and you are twelve again,
before time took her from you
before he betrayed you
and I only wish you
this peace.

My tears
can't save you
but I hold you near
in them
like a child.

A bright beacon of hope,
A window to eternity,
A pride-inducing hope,
A lustful desire.

My brown-skinned dream
Coalesce my fever screams
Take the holy remedy
Bring me to my knees

All that is, once was, will be
And she can sing me
Sweet to sleep
Into finally-peaceful dreams

Disintegration
to
Reintegration

I'm the fruit you left
to die on the vine
so don't be surprised
when I don't give you my time.

And suddenly
I'm looking forward
again.

And suddenly
Flash...
What was uncertain
black and white
Was now certain
brilliant colour.

And she's doing cartwheels
inside my heart.

...heartbreak can mend
like shadows missing light
her forever fountain,
life-giving,
death-chasing.

And my bones are renewed.

Life gets light
and I am lifted
by the poetry
of her.

The green hill's mist
is weeping through
the blades
of grass.

Expedite my end
bring it to a close
the new me that deserves to be
is something I'll keep close.

I hate suicide
I wish it would **** itself

RIP
Jim
Woody
Arkheem
Tim

My scars
are etched
by tears
like canyons
along my cheeks.

You move me
like music.

Your voice
sings to me.

Your skin
is a symphony.

Your smile?
An endless coda.

Your wet,
my hard.

A string of intertwining melodies
bound as one,
no interval.

An ostinato
that never leaves
the eternity of
your Springtime breeze.

And so I write here
so as not to disturb.
What can I say?
All I am is words.

I'll be

dreaming...

Salt...Sand...

Your brown skin
in the Sun.

You left me discarded
a dead leaf drying further
and went on your pursuit
of attention and power.

Not even the acorn
resplendent in its beauty
could pull you back
into orbit.

Well four decades
have taught me well
and I have pursued
you long enough.

I can father myself,
so *******.

...and I cradled your head
on my chest
hair a rarest substance
onyx in reflection
eyes black holes
whose event horizon
arrests me

the feel of your skin
cheek cradled in my palm
press of your body
like a reflecting song
I can't get out
of my head

and I could breathe
again.

He watched, eyes like bullets,
as his innards spilled down
the ziggurat's multicoloured steps.

Sacrifice impetus:
To win the Gods' request

And as he breathed his request,
she was his again,
and he died
happy.

The ocean surface
spills into a sinking vessel
and
     I
        am
       d r   i   f      t       i           n                g

The heat from the furnace
cannot replace
the warmth
of you

and I'm freezing
in your absence.

I stood in the day
outstretched arms
as I stared directly into the sun.

I could feel its life giving aura
bounce off me,
not penetrating my brittle heart
and often times

I'm ready for it to end.

I'm sorry
I didn't show up
knowing all you'd been through
before.

I'm sorry
You counted on me
and were only let down
again.

I'm sorry
That I got comfortable
and took your love for
granted.

I'm sorry
That I gave you safe spaces
then slowly pulled them
away.

I'm sorry
I let my illness get the better of me
breaking your
trust.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Mija,
I'm sorry.

Your hips rotate, counter-clockwise
and I breathe deeply into your
honey ***,
my wet tongue coaxing you out
your button shows.

I press it
tongue it
gently
then not so
gently.

Worship at the temple I present
Hard stone, broad
supplicate yourself
in prayer before it.

Face down now
spread
open
invaded
consumed
release
***

Kind words
Pure love
Tender care
Open hearts

We used to lay out like cartwheels singing songs
as the world spun around us, uncaring
we danced around it until madness stole
our innocence.

And I've never been more convinced
that ruin, like the horrors of leftover war,
can be overgrown again
and green.

The light in my life
the care that is given
the love that is had
the loss that is hidden

The choice I have made
the way I express
the spaces between
where I am defenseless

The cracks where they show
the pain that still stings
the way to escape
finality brings.

The love that we have
the endless dream
the corrupting touch
of all that we've seen

Drunk on the vapour
as the worm turns
Erase and rewrite me
all I am is words

My sweet, sweet girl
spinning out away
kaleidoscope of construction paper-life
that turned me back
from the grey
and gave
me life.

Yes,
even if you were
a worm
a rock
a man
I would still love you.

Despite the marriage vows,
I can no longer promise it will last forever,
like I used to be able to,
but I can promise
you will never be loved
as I love you.

How could it not be
that this branch
I've clambered out onto
would hold me,
but instead it lured me
false pretense
to climb further out
until it has now snapped
dumping me
into the carnivorous jungle
below.

I've always unfurled myself to you
like a map that guided you
to where you currently stand
and wondered when
you'd roll me back up
and put me away.

I can hardly remember your voice
I can hardly remember your face
I can hardly remember your smell
I can hardly remember your touch

I look forward to joining you.

Am I awake?
Alive, but unsung
Ego under
Self-fandom dead
No one in worship
Alone in the bed
Cold as a single in
the bed that we've made.

This wasn't supposed to be
about you,
but you have completely
overrun me defenses,
invaded every peaceful
part of my being.

And I've been sleep walking
through our love
only to find
I was never restrained.

He fled, his shelter broken.
A carnie, free in molestation.

Though drunk in stability
she saw the bank account
and drooled.

When life turns against us,
I choose you.
When scars are all it seems we have,
I choose you.
When the easiest way is out,
I choose you.
When the easiest way out is not easy at all,
I choose you.
When the end seems like the only way,
I choose you.
And if you walk away,
I choose you.
Until my end and beyond,
I choose you.