Well my productive Saturday has turned into one of those days where my depression is the bear. My head is pounding and I have only left my bed once today. This is what depression can look like sometimes. Internally screaming while physically incapable of simply getting out of bed for longer than a few minutes. Before anyone asks, I don't know "what is wrong". Yesterday I was on the road to recovery, today I lost the map.

A year ago I was planning my last Christmas as a single woman.
Now I am preparing for my last as a married woman.
So many tell me that I am strong, but I have never felt so weak.
It is almost humorous how this is all unfolding.
Even more, if these thoughts were to become reality.
Losing my sanity.
Realizing that if I notice someone is failing to help rescue me, I am really good at making them believe I will be fine.
That is one promise I can never truly make.
I picture my own death more than they all would be comfortable with.

As I lie awake in bed, flipping through old memories I find myself lost in thought. I wish we had taken more pictures. I wish I had danced with you. More than anything I wish I could feel your embrace. I would give anything to hear your laugh in person and just sit in your presence. I do not need you. You made sure I never would. You always did what was best over what I desired in the moment. You loved me best. I do not need you, but I do miss you. I miss you more than it would be right for me to say. I wish you well. I wish you joy and peace. I wish you adventures and captivating moments. I wish you were here.

He loved her once, he loves her still.
She loved him then and always will.
No acts of fate, no other parties.
Just a love that would stand against the test of time, the acts of man, and the foolish heart. They fell in love not out of a need or desperation but out of a darkness that neither could withhold from the other. Out of this darkness came poetry, long nights, and the beauty and wonder of a butterfly. In sharing their darkness, they found freedom and healing. In falling for each other, they found a love truer than each had ever known.
He was the best lover he could ever be to her. He helped her break from the chrysalis and become a butterfly. When her world burst into flames, he aided her to find the strength to rise from the ashes as a phoenix would.
He loved her once, he loves her still.
She loved him then and always will.

Lying awake once more
Thoughts racing through my head
Quotes  
Memories
Pictures
Work in less than 6 hours
Still I cannot even close my eyes
That is where you are
Not you, but rather a cold and twisted imitation of you.
Where is the man that sang me to sleep?
Where is the one whose eyes always revealed his love for me?
Instead I see the pain...I see all the times that I was never good enough.
I see those that treated you like **** being chosen over me.
Where is my best friend?
Where are the pictures you deleted so quickly?
I wonder all of this as the wedding photo from our wedding cake sits perfectly on a shelf...
You told me that I loved the idea of you...but we both know that is not true. Never once did I stop loving you, all of you...but when did you love me?
Your eyes said it...your mouth too...but why was I discarded so easily?
Still, I would give anything to have you beside me now. My husband, my lover and always my best friend

I feel so alone
This bed is a desert wasteland
Constantly waiting
Watching myself as I fade away
Leaving is not the answer
While I want to run, scream, or die...
I know I will not.
I made promises, but none so binding as this
"May the Lord deal with me be it ever so severely if anything but death seperates you from me"
Let me check...
while it may feel like it,
I am not dead.
While you are hurting and losing grip,
your heart still beats strong.
Though I am not yet dead and you still live, you are asking me to leave.
Which is worse?
Do I break that solemn vow or listen helplessly as you tell me that my staying is breaking you apart?
Why is leaving this so much easier than continuing to fight for us?
How can I be alone in wanting our marriage to even make it to a year?
Who will be the father to the children that I am supposed to bring into this world?
Where am I even supposed to find the strength to keep this heart beating.
A year ago we had barely begun and now look at us...both barely breathing.
How did this happen?
I miss you and so now I lie here alone...with the light on...with the fan going...and the bedroom door wide open.
Please wake me from this nightmare as it is the worst I have ever had.

Numb
Struggling to find words
Struggling to fight the way I need to
Afraid
What would I do
Where would I go
I feel like a failure
Now the one thing I was sure of is falling apart.
Christian. Failure.
Music. Failure.
Student. Failure.
Teacher. Failure.
Wife. Failure.
Mother...I guess now we will never know.